I’ve been stressed out the last couple of days.

I was sitting down to dinner last night with one of my friends. I told her I was struggling in my results and feeling bad about it.

“I know, I’ve watched your videos. You’ve been talking about it for a few days.”

Oh. I guess I have.

Is that a problem? Am I an idiot? Should I not be?

My self torture started last night and continued into the morning. I have a list of items I’m trying to “complete” from a course I did over the weekend.

I decided to complete another one on my drive to the gym this morning at 5:00 AM. It was with my dad, who has passed away. I decided to have a conversation with him.

“Dad, the last thing you said to me was, “don’t eat that cookie.”

“I know. I was dying. Can’t you let it go?”

“I tried, I thought I did, but dad, I didn’t like it. I would have liked you to have said something loving and wonderful. My whole life has been about me wishing you could just love me as I am.”

“I do love you. And, I didn’t think you should be eating the cookie. It was automatic. And, I was dying. That day for God’s sake.”

“I know. It’s stupid, but I can’t let go of it.”

We continued to chat. He loved and loves me. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. It’s the way he was. He always wanted me to be my best self. And, he thought you could never be too thin or too rich.

Since he died I have gained 5-7 pounds. I thought I had moved on from his comment. Today I realized I did not.

I know I can forgive him. And I can forgive myself. Just give me a few minutes……………….

On the stairmaster, I looked at my thoughts some more. And my stress.

I’ve been afraid I’m a “Fat loser who no one can love.”

That’s my biggest fear. That it’s true. Every day, every result, every glance in the mirror, every bad date, every critical comment, every weird look has been whether that statement is true or not.

“I’m thin. I’m fat. She’s fatter than me. I’m thinner than her. I’m ok if I stand like this, but if I stand like that you can see my flab roles……….” and it never stops. It creates stress, back pain, headaches and obsession.

Today, still on the stairmaster, I decided to take the case that’s it’s true.

Then I don’t have to worry. I can relax. I have nothing to worry about. I can finally live.

I can be free to eat what I want. I can not worry about my results. Because not having results has seemed like a life sentence. I can enjoy being alone.

Because the worst case has happened. I’ve been proving it my whole life. And now I can stop worrying……..

Cause I know it’s all in my brain.

Not in reality. There are plenty of people who love me. I am healthy and fit and would love to lose 10 more pounds but if I don’t, I can still have a great life.

And, I’ve accomplished quite a bit in my 60 years. I’m actually a success.

Just don’t tell my brain. I’m going to just let it think it won.

I’m a FAT LOSER who no one can love. It’s a lot easier than being afraid and worrying and being stressed out.

OK, gotta go to my next client. I’m going to be relaxed, loving, have fun and joyful.

Because I have nothing to prove.

More later.

(And I hope this made sense. I have to leave and can’t read through it again – OOPSIE!!!)

I was in a great mood until our new wonderful AFLAC system kept throwing me out when I was trying to sell to a client. It was taking a long time to get to the next screen and instead of getting there, it logged me out. I was trying to stay positive.

“I’m sorry, but I am going to have to leave.”

What could I say? I couldn’t make the system work.

I packed up my stuff. I went outside.

I got in my car. I actually cried for several moments.

I decided not to resist my feelings. I let them out and keep watching my thoughts. I traced them back to an 8 year old incident.

My mother was trying to teach me how to hit the tennis ball for the first time.

I couldn’t hit it. I kept missing it and missing it. Finally I quit.

“Keep trying,” my mother said.

“NO. I CAN’T DO THIS.”

I don’t know if I threw my racket at that age, but I definitely had a temper tantrum.

I can see that I still hate not being able to do something. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I want to quit. I make it wrong. I make myself wrong. The whole world gets wrong.

Well, folks, this has been my work. I haven’t been able to sell.

And it has lasted 4 months. My sales have sucked for 4 months. The longest slump ever. I HATE IT!!!

The Law of Attraction BE DAMNED. I decided to let my negativity flow.

“I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I CAN’T DO THIS.”

My adult version of the tantrum is to numb it. Give me a beer or wine and some nachos. Let me numb the pain in my chest, neck and back. Numb the fact that when I don’t sell, I don’t make money and it doesn’t seem like I will EVER SELL ANYTHING EVER AGAIN!!!!

Today, I tried to NOT BE HAPPY on the video. You will see what happened if you watch it. I had fun but no tell anyone because I’m supposed to still be miserable.

And, you will learn who Pathetic Patty is. A very close friend. A little too close.

What I know: it definitely helps to get this stuff out. Pretending I’m fine just makes it worse.

This was actually fun. And 45 minutes ago I didn’t think that was possible.

Have a great night. Thanks for listening.

Today I started out happy. It was great. Full of life, possibility and ready to conquer the world.

All it took was three little things and BOOM!

My thoughts change to:

Everything sucks. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m broke and will never make money. These videos are stupid. I’ll never publish my book. I’ll never find a guy. I’m fat….you know, the usual shit when I am in my down swing.

It was an immediate switch. Happy one minute, resigned and pathetic the next.

Here’s the thing.

I just spent the weekend listing all my incompletions. I created wonderful ways to take on my disappointments and create life:

• forgive and move on
• let it go and move on
• put the past in the past and create life in the present
• get over myself and enjoy my life by focusing on the positive

Aren’t those wonderful thoughts? I thought so way back when I made them this morning.

I had marked complete next to a bunch of these items. And I was complete this morning.

Now, however, I don’t think I am anymore. This afternoon I am calling myself a liar. I can say they are done as long as I am in a good mood. This afternoon I am not and so I hate everyone again, including myself. I have not moved on. I am still hating and resenting. I am VERY STUCK IN THE PAST, feeling hopeless and powerless.

Well, maybe not in reality. That’s just how it feels.

And, I look totally ugly on this video when it gets me in the wind and from the side. Just saying………

OK, I’m back. Had to change into my comfy bra.

I think the reason I have the headache is because I had too much coffee this morning. I got to a meeting and was going to switch to water. But, my associate had bought me a LARGE coffee cause that’s what I like and drink in the morning. So what did I do? I DRANK IT!!!

UGH!! Big mistake.

OK, I am going to close my eyes and try to relax and BE with the headache. Maybe that will work.

This video really made me laugh out loud. I was all over the place. Let me know if you laugh too!!! (Or if you think it’s dumb!!@!)

Asta La Vista.

I’m eating dinner so not going to record right now. I’m trying to write instead.

And, start with the good stuff instead of the negative. For a change:

1. The guy who is going to help me link my websites, videos and blogs finally emailed me today with ideas. I am so excited. I’ve been waiting since June so this is really great news.
2. I did some work with my disempowering conversations this weekend. I can literally let them go and create something new. It is very freeing.
3. After my second date yesterday with Barry Manilow, I got resigned about ever meeting anyone. Today I saw that I was just disappointed. When I’m feeling negative, blaming myself, feeling hopeless and wanting to numb myself, I’ve been seeing that it tracks to a disappointment.
4. Once I recognize that, I can deal with it, and come back to creating something new powerfully.
5. This isn’t new, it’s just that I don’t always recognize what my trigger is. It occurs like things really do suck and are hopeless. Seeing the moment it started is helpful. Then I can look at what happened objectively instead of just going down the dark tunnel of powerlessness and hopelessness. It’s not a fun place to be.
6. I wrote about this for years in my first blog, Tired of Feeling Blog. It helped me get from the left/dark side to the right/happy side. I developed techniques. I tried to shorten the time on the left.
7. I haven’t looked at that stuff for years. I don’t think I will. I’d be afraid to go back to those not so fun days.

Gotta go. I’m going to go back to my jigsaw puzzle and perhaps a Hallmark or Lifetime movie. It doesn’t matter if I don’t finish the movie. I know how they end!!!! Will it be a Christmas movie or will they be royalty or talented musicians?

It doesn’t matter. Even if the guy and girl just met, they always end up happily ever after!!!

Have a great night. Thanks for listening!

I recorded another video today after my first date. I didn’t do a blog because I didn’t have time. This is my second video of the day.

This second date was “very nice.” I was thinking of another New York widow that I would love to fix him up with. He reminded me of Barry Manilow who I love. I just probably wouldn’t want to date Barry. I think he’s gay, isn’t he?

I’m finally getting who I am. And, I want to be KNOWN as that by a guy. And respected. And treated as a second human. I don’t want to be just the listening human. I want a TWO WAY conversation. Is that too much to ask?

If it is, I’m happy to remain single. Seriously.

I can do what I want when I want. I don’t have to pretend to be pleasant. I’m very good at that but it sucks for me.

I’m tired of weirdos. I’m tired of being polite. I’m tired of pretending I’m nice.

I’m just tired.

OK, I’m on my third beer. I think I better stop now.

Have a great sleep.

Thanks for listening.

I showed my waves on this video again. They were even higher than yesterday.

Tonight it is really windy. AND LOUD!!

I am going to have to try to relax so I can sleep. I don’t know why it’s so scary, but it is.

I really was fine until I started listening to the noise outside. I guess the wind is getting stronger. The water was under the house at high tide this afternoon. It could be worse tonight.

If it’s really bad, the tide could come up, flood the street and parking area, and ruin my car. I should probably move it up the street, but that involves going out in this God forsaken weather. I could get blown out to sea.

But if I don’t move it, I’ll obsess about it all night.

I’ll tell you this: if I hadn’t stopped eating at 7:00 PM for my 12 hour fast, I would definitely be having some strong drinks and comfort food to numb myself. That’s probably the biggest benefit I get from stopping eating at a certain time. I shorten the amount of eating/drinking damage I do at night.

OK, let’s look at worse case scenarios for tonight:

• my house could go out to sea with me in it
• my car could be under water and be ruined
• nothing could happen to either, but I won’t sleep tonight worrying about it
• the umbrella that I couldn’t get out of it’s stand on my deck could come shooting through my window like a deadly torpedo/sword
• the house could blow away with me in it
• the roof could blow off and I’ll go flying into the water half naked (OK, at least I’m laughing now)
• at least there’s no trees around here to fall onto the house
• High tide is 2:22 AM – The rain won’t stop until 2:AM so that’s not good
• I think I’ll go move my car – why worry – I’ll just get a little wet and have to walk a little in gale storm winds and rain
• I’ll just have to hike up to my car tomorrow

OK, gotta go. This way I’ll have one less thing to worry about.

Have a good night.

Thanks for listening.

PS:

I just went outside. It wasn’t raining. The water wasn’t very high. My neighbors’ cars are there and theirs are lower then mine.

I didn’t end up moving my car up the road after all.

I figured there was more chance of it getting stolen up there. Yes, that’s what I actually thought. (There have been some cars stolen in the area lately). I know, there’s always something to freak out about!!

I didn’t get wet and I didn’t blow away. So much for my mental hysteria. I totally freaked myself out for no reason about my car.

The wind, that’s another story. It’s still blowing VERY LOUDLY!!!

Enjoy your night.

Remembering my wonderful Fernwood. I miss you, Fran. I can’t believe you’ve been gone a year. Thank you for always making me laugh. I love you.

OK, enough sadness.

In this video, I talked about getting out of my head and into dialogue. Today I was listening to podcasts while driving up and down the roads for work. Oprah’s girls said to be specific in what you were asking for or you’d get what you didn’t want. (That made me worried instead of empowered).

Abraham Hicks talked about vibrations and attraction. I was fine this morning. Then I got confused. I guess I’ll take what empowers me and leave the rest behind. OK, good. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Just now my son called. He was driving. I could hear he was stuck in his negative brain patterns.

“What’s going on?”

“Ugh,” he said.

“Give it to me,” I said. “This will be fun.” [He said I could use his quote in my blog cause it’s funny.]

He started talking about himself in the third person.

“He’s a low vibrating Italian ass hole who treats his grandmother like shit. He cooks all day and doesn’t do what he needs to do with his life. He’s gay and fat and not doing what he needs to do.”

“That’s great,” I said, laughing. “I love it. Here’s mine…………….”

“Fat, wrinkled, old moody bitch who can’t sell for shit, is running out of money, can’t lose weight to save her life, and will NEVER find anything close to a guy she wants to have a relationship with. Losers please apply. Liars please apply. Weirdos please apply. Perverts and non-sexual beings are always welcome.”

This was fun. We got to say what was there.

And please don’t tell me to be positive. That doesn’t work for me. I need to say it, laugh about it, and create something new.

Keeping it in and pretending to be positive just makes me go down the tunnel of patheticism. (I think I made up that word).

OK, I have to go to my mother’s. I am going to expand my capacity to be with her confusion. I am going to be with it instead of wanting to run away and wish she was different.

And I’m sad. My mom is still amazing for almost 90. Her mind is just not what it was. But she’s still pretty great. She doesn’t mean any harm. She would literally give me the shirt off her back if I wanted it.

So I am going to say I am lucky and be wonderful and patient. (Drinking will definitely help. I’ll probably drink alot but I’m ok with that).

Thanks for listening. Have a great night.

OMG – at least I was down 2 pounds today. The last two weeks I was up and I was getting concerned.

I am sticking with my 12 hour fast if only because I eat less crap at night. And, after today I see that it’s working for me.

I’m not going to compare myself to the 16 hour ‘fasters’. OK? This is MY plan. It’s what I can handle right now. Gotta it?

OK, moving on………..I’ve had another emotional roller coast today. Luckily it was a false alarm and that’s all I’ll say. Phew!!!

Next: I brought the concept of self-advocating to Weight Watchers today by mistake.

Last week some WW people said that they asked for meals without butter or oil when in a restaurant. I never thought of that.

When I told some relatives who work in a restaurant about it they were horrified.

“That is wrong,” they said. “Let them splurge. You can’t ruin the recipe. They CAN NOT do that. They should just eat it as is. Let them ask for plain fish if they need to.”

They were shaming people. I was shocked.

Today I started telling my group that they shouldn’t ask for that. The cooks will get mad.

Boy was I surprised when they didn’t care. They were going to get what they wanted! Let them get mad. It wasn’t a problem for them.

Ga-dunk!!! I had another awakening.

Some people are just not nice about certain things. You might call them arrogant, self-righteous ass holes. I shouldn’t worry if they get mad. That’s just what they do. It’s not my fault.

No one should be shamed for asking for what they want or need. DUH!!!

My people pleasing not wanting to upset anyone mechanism was called into question again. Wow!!

It is great that I am seeing this at the ripe old age of 60. WTF? Well, better late than never.

I always blamed myself for getting someone mad. I shouldn’t have asked. Again, GA-DUNK!

NEXT: I am healing my little girl incident. In this video I ask my dad for forgiveness for making him into a monster. He was just angry, frustrated and triggered. He was a great dad and I miss him.

So, the healing and growing continues. There is freedom beyond them thar hills!!!! And it’s uncomfortable to get there but I will not stop.

Thanks for taking the journey with me.

More later. Gotta get back to work.

Wow!! I had a powerful sleepless night looking at my man choices. I saw some very valuable lessons in the process:

• I’ve been terrified of making a mistake – if I do, bad things will happen
• It went back to childhood – I forgot to sweep the porch one day and I was basically ripped a new ass hole – I was “a lazy good for nothing” in a very, very nasty, scary tone – it was horrible
• I vowed to be careful
• I thought if I made a mistake I deserved to be abused
• I have picked men who have been able to manipulate me by acting like a victim – I get sucked in – give and give – and then boom, if I do one thing wrong, they withhold and punish
• And I think I deserve it
• WOW!

So, being careful not to make a mistake has had me allow them to treat me that way. I didn’t recognize that they were manipulating and controlling me.

I am responsible for allowing it. I am not a victim here. I am just now aware of it.

It sort of makes me sick and sort of is a relief to see.

I thought I deserved to be treated that way. They blamed me for saying something they took the wrong way, acting friendly to men, and being a bad girlfriend, etc. So I tried to be more careful.

I guess that’s how abuse happens. And why people stick with abusers.

I would really try to be better. Try not to make the same mistake. I changed my personality to be who they wanted me to be.

This is definitely making me sick. And sad.

I literally did that: changed my personality to try to be who they wanted me to be – many times.

And didn’t realize it.

That’s what I talk about in my book. How that happened in my marriage.

I just didn’t think I was still doing it. Until last night.

It was worth the sleepless night to recognize the pattern. And STOP IT!

Who I am attracting starting RIGHT NOW: a great man who can communicate, share, listen, talk through things, allow each of us to make mistakes, have fun, and create an awesome life together – with an abundance of money, time, fun, passion and love.

I will feel free, relaxed, loved and secure. I can’t wait.

And, success is easy. And I have to get back to work.

This was a really big lesson. I have spared the details to protect the ass holes.

Thanks for listening.

That’s what I’m telling myself.

What my brain is saying is:

Shit, tomorrow is Monday. I don’t want to go to work. I hate work. If I didn’t need the money, I would never go back there. Don’t MAKE ME GO!!!!!

Really, though, it’s because I’ve decided I suck and there’s no hope or possibility.

Why? Because my past is in my future like I said on the video. Easier to be right then DO something different. Easier to wallow in self-pity and self-righteousness than ask for help and get better. Easier to have a negative attitude than generate something new.

Why?

I don’t know. I really don’t. It sucks feeling this way. And, it’s easier in some ways than creating. I don’t know why.

But, since I’ve carried on long enough about how bad I am, I’ve decided to say something new.

Success is easy. Abundance is every where. People are waiting for me to call. They can’t wait for me to call.

Even though my brain is arguing, I know I’d rather attract success than negativity.

So I’m going to keep saying success is easy. Why not? It doesn’t take much.

OK, here is the video where I try to convince myself about this. Look at what I want instead of what I don’t want. SUCCESS! ABUNDANCE!!!

OK, gotta go. I know, that’s a bad picture but I don’t know how to change the thumbnail. So,……..

Have a great night.

Thanks for listening.