Trusting My Instincts – Lots of Room to Improve

Wow!! I had a powerful sleepless night looking at my man choices. I saw some very valuable lessons in the process:

• I’ve been terrified of making a mistake – if I do, bad things will happen
• It went back to childhood – I forgot to sweep the porch one day and I was basically ripped a new ass hole – I was “a lazy good for nothing” in a very, very nasty, scary tone – it was horrible
• I vowed to be careful
• I thought if I made a mistake I deserved to be abused
• I have picked men who have been able to manipulate me by acting like a victim – I get sucked in – give and give – and then boom, if I do one thing wrong, they withhold and punish
• And I think I deserve it
• WOW!

So, being careful not to make a mistake has had me allow them to treat me that way. I didn’t recognize that they were manipulating and controlling me.

I am responsible for allowing it. I am not a victim here. I am just now aware of it.

It sort of makes me sick and sort of is a relief to see.

I thought I deserved to be treated that way. They blamed me for saying something they took the wrong way, acting friendly to men, and being a bad girlfriend, etc. So I tried to be more careful.

I guess that’s how abuse happens. And why people stick with abusers.

I would really try to be better. Try not to make the same mistake. I changed my personality to be who they wanted me to be.

This is definitely making me sick. And sad.

I literally did that: changed my personality to try to be who they wanted me to be – many times.

And didn’t realize it.

That’s what I talk about in my book. How that happened in my marriage.

I just didn’t think I was still doing it. Until last night.

It was worth the sleepless night to recognize the pattern. And STOP IT!

Who I am attracting starting RIGHT NOW: a great man who can communicate, share, listen, talk through things, allow each of us to make mistakes, have fun, and create an awesome life together – with an abundance of money, time, fun, passion and love.

I will feel free, relaxed, loved and secure. I can’t wait.

And, success is easy. And I have to get back to work.

This was a really big lesson. I have spared the details to protect the ass holes.

Thanks for listening.