Wow!! I had a powerful sleepless night looking at my man choices. I saw some very valuable lessons in the process:
- I’ve been terrified of making a mistake – if I do, bad things will happen
- It went back to childhood – I forgot to sweep the porch one day and I was basically ripped a new ass hole – I was “a lazy good for nothing” in a very, very nasty, scary tone – it was horrible
- I vowed to be careful
- I thought if I made a mistake I deserved to be abused
- I have picked men who have been able to manipulate me by acting like a victim – I get sucked in – give and give – and then boom, if I do one thing wrong, they withhold and punish
- And I think I deserve it
So, being careful not to make a mistake has had me allow them to treat me that way. I didn’t recognize that they were manipulating and controlling me.
I am responsible for allowing it. I am not a victim here. I am just now aware of it.
It sort of makes me sick and sort of is a relief to see.
I thought I deserved to be treated that way. They blamed me for saying something they took the wrong way, acting friendly to men, and being a bad girlfriend, etc. So I tried to be more careful.
I guess that’s how abuse happens. And why people stick with abusers.
I would really try to be better. Try not to make the same mistake. I changed my personality to be who they wanted me to be.
This is definitely making me sick. And sad.
I literally did that: changed my personality to try to be who they wanted me to be – many times.
And didn’t realize it.
That’s what I talk about in my book. How that happened in my marriage.
I just didn’t think I was still doing it. Until last night.
It was worth the sleepless night to recognize the pattern. And STOP IT!
Who I am attracting starting RIGHT NOW: a great man who can communicate, share, listen, talk through things, allow each of us to make mistakes, have fun, and create an awesome life together – with an abundance of money, time, fun, passion and love.
I will feel free, relaxed, loved and secure. I can’t wait.
And, success is easy. And I have to get back to work.
This was a really big lesson. I have spared the details to protect the ass holes.
Thanks for listening.