I’ve been stressed out the last couple of days.
I was sitting down to dinner last night with one of my friends. I told her I was struggling in my results and feeling bad about it.
“I know, I’ve watched your videos. You’ve been talking about it for a few days.”
Oh. I guess I have.
Is that a problem? Am I an idiot? Should I not be?
My self torture started last night and continued into the morning. I have a list of items I’m trying to “complete” from a course I did over the weekend.
I decided to complete another one on my drive to the gym this morning at 5:00 AM. It was with my dad, who has passed away. I decided to have a conversation with him.
“Dad, the last thing you said to me was, “don’t eat that cookie.”
“I know. I was dying. Can’t you let it go?”
“I tried, I thought I did, but dad, I didn’t like it. I would have liked you to have said something loving and wonderful. My whole life has been about me wishing you could just love me as I am.”
“I do love you. And, I didn’t think you should be eating the cookie. It was automatic. And, I was dying. That day for God’s sake.”
“I know. It’s stupid, but I can’t let go of it.”
We continued to chat. He loved and loves me. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. It’s the way he was. He always wanted me to be my best self. And, he thought you could never be too thin or too rich.
Since he died I have gained 5-7 pounds. I thought I had moved on from his comment. Today I realized I did not.
I know I can forgive him. And I can forgive myself. Just give me a few minutes……………….
On the stairmaster, I looked at my thoughts some more. And my stress.
I’ve been afraid I’m a “Fat loser who no one can love.”
That’s my biggest fear. That it’s true. Every day, every result, every glance in the mirror, every bad date, every critical comment, every weird look has been whether that statement is true or not.
“I’m thin. I’m fat. She’s fatter than me. I’m thinner than her. I’m ok if I stand like this, but if I stand like that you can see my flab roles……….” and it never stops. It creates stress, back pain, headaches and obsession.
Today, still on the stairmaster, I decided to take the case that’s it’s true.
Then I don’t have to worry. I can relax. I have nothing to worry about. I can finally live.
I can be free to eat what I want. I can not worry about my results. Because not having results has seemed like a life sentence. I can enjoy being alone.
Because the worst case has happened. I’ve been proving it my whole life. And now I can stop worrying……..
Cause I know it’s all in my brain.
Not in reality. There are plenty of people who love me. I am healthy and fit and would love to lose 10 more pounds but if I don’t, I can still have a great life.
And, I’ve accomplished quite a bit in my 60 years. I’m actually a success.
Just don’t tell my brain. I’m going to just let it think it won.
I’m a FAT LOSER who no one can love. It’s a lot easier than being afraid and worrying and being stressed out.
OK, gotta go to my next client. I’m going to be relaxed, loving, have fun and joyful.
Because I have nothing to prove.
(And I hope this made sense. I have to leave and can’t read through it again – OOPSIE!!!)