Another Option?

This weekend we were looking at what our lives are for.

My first take was:

  • that people are accepted exactly as they are
  • that people are free to be themselves in relationships
  • people are perfect as they are
  • people are connected
  • people interact with each other as their greatness

By Sunday, I was an emotional wreck. All I could think of was my friend, Fran, who I talk about on this video. A year ago she took her own life by jumping off a building in New York City.

If Fran had felt connected, and interacted with as her greatness, would it have made a difference? If she felt understood, would she have had options? Was that the only way to “escape her pain?”

I don’t know. I can’t answer those questions since:

  • I am not an expert in mental illness
  • I don’t know how Fran was feeling at the time
  • I can’t ask her

All I know is that sometimes I feel alone. And that no one can listen or understand. I don’t want to bother anyone by trying to communicate. I used to just stay by myself until I felt better. I didn’t want people to know I was upset.

I had the thought that ending my life might be easier, but I was never in danger of actually doing it. I never planned it or really gave it a second thought. But I did have the first thought.

I always knew that tomorrow would look different and all I had to do was go to sleep and wake up the next day. To new thoughts and a new outlook.

I don’t know how it was for Fran. I don’t think she was thinking that it would be better the next day. Or that it could get better on any day.

This video talks about my commitment to people feeling gotten and connected. I don’t know where this will go, but I felt the need to communicate my thoughts.

I miss you, Fran.

So here goes. It’s been a year since we lost our Fran. And she will always be missed.

Thanks for listening.

Almost Quit This

I was in a course all weekend. I didn’t like some comments that people made to me. Nothing important, I was just embarrassed. They weren’t a big deal.

I shouldn’t have been upset, I thought. What is wrong with me? That’s just them. That’s the way they are.

But despite my argument with myself, I had the following thoughts:

  • I just won’t talk anymore.
  • I don’t like these people.
  • I’m not doing anymore videos.
  • I’ll just stay by myself. I don’t need people. Fuck them all.

This morning, however, I tried to sort through this. I didn’t really feel that happy about how I was dealing with this.

This is what I saw:

When I don’t like what someone says, I automatically become someone who can’t be free to be myself. Because I was myself and look what happened. I stop participating, make myself wrong and everyone else I talked to wrong as well.

This is a mechanism that keeps me from risking. It keeps me from playing big. It keeps me stuck in my own little world, safe from embarrassment, disappointment and failure.

And it’s a shitty world. I’m safe, but all alone.

I’m much more alive when I am going for it.

Downward Facing *******’s And Creating Freedom

This video attempts to describe my journey to freedom after spending the weekend in this NOT FREE place.

No biggie. It’s over now.

I’m just always trying to create freedom for myself and others so that we can all create lives that we love. The lives of our dreams.

I hope it creates some freedom for you, too.

I’ve got another video coming that I just recorded……….Right now I’m on hold for work.

OK, gotta go. She’s back on the phone.

Thanks for listening.

More Miracles

I am at my hairdressers having my color done.

No, there will not be a video or a picture right now. She not only dyes my hair, but my eyebrows as well. I look like a cross between Phyllis Diller and Groucho Marx. Not an attractive look.

I feel like I can breathe again. My daughter called me this morning and we talked over everything. We completed her not doing my book cover AND, she shared about this new man that I was very concerned about. I have a different appreciation of how she feels, and I am no longer in a MASSIVE UPSET.

Tomorrow is her fundraising concert. I am going to go there with “beginner’s mind.” That means I suspend all arrogance, judgments, knowing, criticism and anything I already know. She wants me to be present and proud of what she has done.

I am going to bring tissues. She says I will be moved to tears.

I will meet her new man with an open heart and mind. (Don’t I sound mature?)

On another note: I am still emotional about the apology I got yesterday from my old flame. All my resentment, crazy storymaking negativity about his life, and blame for myself has disappeared. It’s unbelievable. When he admitted that he lied, was a coward, and played with my heart, I somehow forgave him. Plus, I asked him questions about what I had made up in my mind, and I was not correct. I asked him about certain things I was pretty sure he lied about, and he admitted that he did.

Somehow knowing the truth was freeing. I can let go of the disempowering interpretation that I had made up. It is good.

The best part: He still loves me and still thinks I am sexy. We had a connection and an energy that is still there. I don’t know if we will ever get together again, but knowing all of that makes me feel wonderful.

Here’s why: After 20 years of not being desired by my husband during my marriage, being called sexy is a great gift to me. I had felt very unattractive, unsexy, and horrible for a long time. It’s nice to know that I am still attractive to somebody at 60 years old. I am grateful to have heard those words.

It is also nice to know that he still loves me. After all, my conversation about myself is that I am lovable. That if someone REALLY knows me, they can’t love me. This man knew me. I thought I was rejected because of that – I was, in fact, truly unlovable. It’s nice to have proved my thoughts wrong, regardless of how our relationship ended.

And about us getting together, I keep thinking whether it would actually work. I don’t know.

But here’s the thing. It doesn’t matter. It’s not my problem. It’s not a possibility right now so why spend energy on it. (I have to keep reminding myself when the fantasy starts up every few minutes! And think about something else.)

And my date last night? Well, it was a fast one. He was very nice but not my type at all. When he asked if I wanted a second drink I said no thank you and stood up. We then walked out. When he asked if we would see each other again, I said, well, we’ll see.

He said, “OK, you know how to reach me.”

And that was that. He doesn’t have my number or last name and that is great. I didn’t waste more time being polite. The night before I had a few drinks and dinner. I spent an hour trying to figure out how to leave. From now on, it’s one drink and vamoose.

I’ve learned not to give these guys my number. I think it’s a really good strategy.

If I find someone I like, that’s a totally different story.

Tomorrow I leave for Maine and New Hampshire. It should be a great weekend.

More later. Thanks for listening.

A Crazy Emotional Day

I was woken up at 3:00 AM by my daughter’s text.

“I’m not going to make my deadline for your book cover. I need to extend it. And my teacher says that it’s not good to work with family.”

I couldn’t sleep so I went to the gym. I used my upset to transform my disappointment and distrust paradigm using the Untethered Soul’s recommendation. I speak about it on the video below.

But that’s nothing. The big one:

I ran into the guy I used to call Psycho. He wanted to talk to me. Uh oh, I thought.

Guess what he wanted to do?

………………………………………………Give up?

He wanted to apologize for lying to me, being a coward, and treating me badly. He’s been trying to find me for the last few weeks. I had actually seen him driving around. Weird, huh.

Of course I had the tissues out.

I thanked him. We discussed our relationship and the amazing connection and electricity we had had. It’s still there, but circumstances are not what they need to be for us to be together. I would say he’s stuck in his own paradigm.

Will they ever be right? I don’t know. It’s not my problem to worry about I keep telling myself. If they are, and he comes to find me, I’ll deal with all the associated issues then.

For now, I have another date tonight. That’s my REAL life. Not my fantasy life.

I suggested we meet at 5:00 PM. That’s my speed. In bed by 8:00.

He wants to meet at 7:30 PM. Ugh. It’s only 5:42 and I am ready for bed. I guess I’ll have to rally. (Yawn). Tick tock. Tick tock.

DATE UPDATE: The guy last night kept talking about his ex-wife and what a hoarder she was. He spent the night showing me pictures of her mess.

“Here’s another one. Can you believe that?”

“Here’s another one. Look at that.”

Yawn. And he told alot of really long jokes. Not the worst night I’ve spent, but one I don’t need to repeat. I couldn’t wait for one joke to end before the next one started to make my exit. I wanted to get home and put on my pajamas. Not a good sign.

OK, here’s the video.

Just a little piece of my day. Wait til you hear the big piece!!!

Again, it’s emotional. So if you’re not up for that, skip it. Have a great night.

Thanks for listening. I’ve gotta go get dolled up.

A Date in 19 Minutes

OK, thank you for voting in about the book title. I’m sticking with the Second Piece of French Toast. I appreciate your help in my panicked time of need.

I am literally meeting a date in 18 minutes. I don’t know him. He is from the dating site.

So while the video is publishing, I am writing this and then I have to scoot. I am going to drive even though it’s right down the block. That way he won’t know I live so close.

Today I was working on my book and the web site. Wow!! Progress, panic and pandemonium in my mind.

All in a days work I guess. It’s new so why SHOULD I know what I’m doing. It’s very exciting and terrifying.

I was listening to the guy who produced Motherless Brooklyn be interviewed by Tim Ferriss. It took him 20 years from the start of the idea to finishing it. He said it was uncomfortable and not natural to do something new like this.

I feel validated. This is uncomfortable and foreign. But I am proud that I am moving forward anyway.

Video is still uploading. OK, HURRY HURRY HURRY. I have to go. 12 minutes.

STILL NOT DONE!!!!

OK, It’s done. Have a great night.

Do you like the sunset? Pretty cool, right?

Thanks for listening.

I Need A Vote

My book is getting closer to being finished.

I had the title, The Second Piece of French Toast. It was all set. It was a go.

I was talking to a friend who is a graphic designer today.

She said: “It’s too long. You need something more snappy.”

OK – now I am doubting everything about the damn book.

I told her what the book is about. Basically: It’s me wondering what had happened to me when I was married. I forgot who I was. It’s my journey to find my real self.

We were talking. Possible titles:

Getting Real

Uncovering my real self

Cracking the Shell

Creating My Life

Getting Real with Myself

Do You Really Need That?

Speaking Up – never mind – too many of them

and the original title “What Happened to Hilary”

I need to figure this out obviously in order to publish the damn thing.

I suppose I could shorten it to the Second Anything

I kind of like that.

Thoughts? Since I’m kind of obsessing instead of working, I thought I’d put it out there.

OK, back to work. Any thoughts are welcome.

Team Awesome

I did this in between recording, a call with my boss, and trying to get out of here.

My boss asked me if I was going to stay in my position at AFLAC. I said I’m not leaving until they kick me out. (Or I replace my income another way – I didn’t tell him that part). And if he leaves, I’m gone. (Well, at least I felt that way at the moment – I hope he doesn’t read this!!!! ) I do love being part of an energetic team. He brings that feeling to our region.

Anyway, another topic: We are on Day 19 of the 21 day Abundance Meditation. All about what we love about ourselves. Yes, ourselves, folks.

I had to make a list. I am actually present to what I love about MYSELF. A miracle.

I’m not saying that my brain is not negative on the inside, but there is room for what I DO LOVE about me. That’s a freaking miracle.

I love my – wait I have to get my notes, I already forgot – my intelligence, athletic abilities, my creativity, my empathy, my ability to listen, my energy, strength, health (knock on wood), discipline, talent, generosity, curiosity, willingness to grow and develop, fun, and get this, folks, my BEAUTY. Yes, I am willing to say that (even though I am gagging a little). We all have BEAUTY.

Do I feel arrogant saying this? Conceited?

A little. But is putting myself down better? That’s what I learned to do in Junior High because I didn’t want people to be jealous of me. I got really good at putting myself down. Where does that get me? Not feeling very good about myself.

Today I love all those things about myself. What a new world to live into. Excitement. Abundance. Fun. Community. Being connected. Wow!!! (Let’s hope this lasts. Just kidding. Sort of.)

My video is still processing. I discussed the “Saggy Boob Man.” It’s pretty funny. I will not spoil the video for you. I feel better when I get these things out. When they nest in my head, they rot.

Once I start talking, and I say the rotting parts, I get free. I can laugh about them. I can relax and create something new.

When it’s in my head and I’m embarrassed or ashamed to say the thing, I just stay alone and negative.

It’s quite amazing. Sharing is like a power switch.

So, SHARE people. JOIN ME! What are you afraid to say? What are you embarrassed to say?

I promise you FREEDOM!!

Feel free to share in a comment or to text me if you have my number.

Have an awesome day. I gotta get going as usual.

Here’s the video. Best part: Saggy Boob Man.

I had a ball with this one.

Thanks for listening.