Terror On Shoreline Drive

Did the title get you? Maybe I’m exaggerating, but it sure feels like terror.

Why is there terror?

Because tonight I have a DATE.

It’s my second one in a year and a half.

I’ve been looking at why I am so terrorized. I will tell you why:

  • because I think I have to be a certain way
  • because I can’t be myself because then I will say the wrong thing
  • because my real self is not ok
  • because my real self is not always funny
  • because I might talk about something gross
  • because I don’t know what to do
  • because I don’t know how to talk to guys
  • because I am in a panic and won’t be able to talk
  • because I don’t know what to wear
  • because maybe he wants someone really thin
  • because what if he thinks I am too fat, too high maintenance, boring, anything
  • because it’s in 3.5 hours and I am starting to feel sick🛌
  • because my stomach hurts – it’s cramping
  • because it’s going to rain
  • because I don’t know what to do
  • because ……..

I think that’s the end. I’m sure there’s more but you get the point. I’m in a panic thinking I have to be a certain way and can’t be myself.

I think it’s from ALL THE YEARS of dating before I got married. My sister would tell me don’t say this, don’t say that, do this, do that. I remember being so nervous trying to remember everything she said that I was basically a wreck.

So here I go again, doing this to myself this time.👎

This is what I am going to create for tonight (assuming there is no tornado the sky is seriously getting dark and there are tornado warnings):

  • I can relax
  • I can be present👼
  • I can get to know this man
  • I can be myself

If we like each other, we will meet again. If we don’t, it will have been a nice evening. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?💥

Here’s the only thing. Can you please tell my stomach that? It is still cramping.🤦‍♀️

Thanks for listening.

PS I just found the emojis. I love them.

The Story About How A Friend’s Kiss Taught Me To Check Things Out

I had a crush on this guy for a long, long, long, long time. We worked out together. And one day, we found ourselves in an old massage room at the gym. And one thing led to another, and he kissed me!  

It was my fantasy.  I was so excited until we went outside and we started stretching. 

“That was a friend’s kiss,”  he said, 

“Okay,”  I said. 

That night I was really upset.  “After all these years of having a crush on this guy, I finally find out he only likes me as a friend. Isn’t that just great. I better just move on and get over him.”   I was SO disappointed.  I couldn’t sleep at all.  I couldn’t get “friend’s kiss” out of my mind.

The next day, I just happened to be reading a chapter in Success Principles, by Jack Canfield. It said that when you get upset about what someone says or does, “Check it out.” 

The next day, I saw him.  I went up to him and said, “Hey, can I ask you a question?” 

“Sure,” he said. 

“What did you mean by friend’s kiss?” 

“Oh, I just meant that, that was how you would kiss a friend. If we were going to really kiss, it wouldn’t be like that. It would be super special.” 

I took a deep breath, smiling.  “Oh, okay. Because I thought you meant we would only ever be friends.” 

“No, not at all.” 

“Okay. Thank you. Glad I asked.”   I couldn’t stop smiling the whole rest of that day.  I’m sure glad I “checked it out.”  Wow, I never would have come up with that interpretation. Hallelujah.

Now, when someone says something and I get upset about it, I can just ask them what they meant.  What I’ve learned is that my negative and disempowering interpretation HAS NEVER BEEN what they meant by it.  Not even once.  Not even close.  

So if you have something where you’re upset because someone said or did something, I urge you, check it out and say, “Hey, what did you mean by that comment?”

You can even say, “This is what I’m making it mean.”  You don’t HAVE to tell them what you were thinking, but it usually ends up in relief and/or a good laugh

You might find that you don’t even need to be upset at all!

And of course… If you want more educational and fun content…

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How Getting Busted Created Freedom For Me

Tonight I was on a zoom call for the people who are volunteering for a course being held this weekend. I was there on time and did my perfunctory smile and wave to everyone.

The organizer was talking and then people started sharing. I was listening, I thought, as I texted a new guy who’s a potential date. He wanted me to pick a place to meet next week. I hadn’t replied because I couldn’t think of a good restaurant.

“All I’ve been out for is margaritas and nachos, since COVID started,” I said. “They are my favorite things,” I added.

“That’s fine. I love them. That is perfect,” he said.

I sent him the address. I don’t know what time, yet, but wow, I have a date.

I was engrossed in my thoughts until I heard the organizer say, “And why don’t you pick the next person to share.”

She’ll never pick me, she doesn’t even know me, I thought.

“Hilary,” the young lady said.

“Everyone loves Hilary,” another organizer said.

Shit, I thought. I have no idea what they are sharing about. I don’t think I can fake this one.

“What are we sharing about?” I asked, trying to be cute in my delinquency.

“I’m not going to tell you,” the man said.

CRAP. “OK, then I will have to admit, I was on my phone and not paying attention,” I said. I looked around. No one was going to help me. I went for it.

“I think I know what you were talking about. About the course starting. For me, I never know why I am reviewing this course. I wonder why each year. Until, we get there on Friday at 2:00 and I see everyone I love and the course starts. And then I remember why.”

“And then what?” the organizer asked.

“I pay attention for a few minutes, and then I go back on my phone and check my emails,’ I said, wondering why I just admitted that.

He asked me who I wanted to hear from next and I picked a friend of mine. Her share was deep and meaningful and I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. Why did I admit how bad I am? Why didn’t I just pretend to be good and make up an answer?

I stewed about it for about 10 minutes. Then I remembered. I am Getting Real with Hilary. That was real. Pretending I am good is not real. In truth, I like to make trouble. It is way more fun.

I forgave myself and paid attention for most of the remainder of the call.

Towards the end, I saw my what’s app blowing up. The organizer was now sending chats to the group. He was ON HIS PHONE sending chats. Seriously? And here I had felt bad for being on my phone?

I chuckled. Isn’t life a riot?

Thanks for listening.

How Eating Too Many Chips At 12:30 AM Taught Me to Make My Life Work

Normally when I go to bed, I don’t eat anything afterwards. I’m done. I’ve brushed my teeth. I’m not doing it again. 

But this one night, I was hungry and couldn’t sleep. After debating for a while, I said “screw it.”

I got out of bed and went into my kitchen. I ate some chips, a couple of miniature Reese’s hearts, and honestly, I don’t even remember what else.

I brushed my teeth and got back into bed.  

I sat up straight.

“Oh, my God. I just used up all my weekly Weight Watcher points. What am I going to do? I’m screwed. I’m going to start gaining weight.  I’m out of control.  HELP!!!!” My mind was screaming silently. I don’t know how I fell asleep, but eventually I must have worn myself out and dozed off.

The next day when I woke up, after a moment or two of panic, I rethought the whole thing.

I had used up my Tuesday points, yes, but it was actually Wednesday when I ate the extra food.  Instead of going into my weeklies on Tuesday, I just put the points in for Wednesday.   

That day I just ate food with less points and was within my day’s point budget.  

“Wow. I didn’t blow it. I’m still within my points. I’m okay. None of that means anything,” I thought with relief at the end of the day.

The lesson is that I stopped making myself wrong. I did something different. I created freedom and empowerment for myself instead of panic, defeat and resignation.

Asking “How can I make this and my life still work?” was new for me. Before, I would have been a victim and been resigned to never losing weight EVER AGAIN. (Dramatic, yes, but that’s what my brain does.)

Here’s my question for you: Where in your life have you done something that you think, “Oh, my God. That’s wrong. That’s bad, I’m screwed?” 

Consider instead of that context, saying something different. For example:

“Huh. Okay. I did it. It’s not wrong or bad. Not good or right. It’s just what I did. Now, how can I adjust my plan, or do something new so that my life will work?” 

Just a thought so you don’t need to go down the negative tunnel like I almost did. 

Take a look. Let me know what you see. 

Thanks for listening.

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Have You Ever Felt Needy and Clingy? Read this:

Haven’t you heard the phrase, you gotta give love to get love?

I had HEARD it, but I don’t think I ever really GOT it.

I don’t think I could fathom giving love before….it just seemed so scary. What if they didn’t love me back? What if they thought I was stupid? What if they rejected me? Or the worst thing, what if they laughed at me behind my back?

This weekend I was wrestling with some circumstances:

  • one guy didn’t call me when he said he would
  • a second guy cancelled on me because he had to work, and then didn’t call me when he said he would

I went south.

Why do I pick jerks?

Why don’t they want to talk to me?

What’s wrong with me?

I’ll never have anyone.

Even though I knew that them not calling did not mean anything, my story about how I’m unlovable just kicked in as if the truth.

I was talking to my wise daughter. She has a guy friend that she was starting to like. He happens to have a girlfriend, but they have an open relationship. She watched herself getting jealous of the girlfriend. She discussed her feelings with the guy. Her jealousy disappeared.

She got to know the girl, and started hanging out with her, too. Sometimes the three of them would hang out together. It sounds weird at first, but it is working. (If you are thinking in terms of sexual things, that’s not what I’m talking about here.)

She switched “needing to have this guy to herself” to loving them both as people. If my daughter is whole and complete and perfect as she is, then she doesn’t NEED anything from the guy or the girl. She can simply enjoy her friendship with both of them.

This helped me get “unstuck” about my missed phone calls. If I’m whole and complete, it doesn’t matter when or if they call. It literally doesn’t. I can love both of them as is and just have fun. I don’t need to be validated by a phone call. I don’t need to be resentful and shitty when I talk to them next.

I can enjoy future phone calls, but not NEED to get them to be OK.

I can GIVE LOVE freely and be open to receiving whatever comes back. There is no threat. I am whole and complete either way.

This shift has been miraculous for me. I no longer feel desperate, clingy and needy with men. I don’t NEED to HAVE one in order to be ok.

I can simply enjoy them, love them, and have fun with them.

If a wonderful man shows up and wants to be exclusive, I’ll deal with that then. I am no longer afraid of every little thing.

This is a totally new perspective and I love it. For the first time, I feel free in this area.

Thanks for listening.

And of course… If you want more educational and fun content…

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What Happened To My Happiness?

Yesterday I was FIRED UP!! Everything was wonderful. I had guys texting me, I was present to the magnificence of all people, money in the bank, calls to look forward to, all was well with the world.

“I’ve never seen you so happy,” people texted.

“Wow, you have really transformed,” others said.

“Look at that smile,” someone else said.

The world was glorious and I was Queen.

I think I thought I was finally fixed. I was never going to be disempowered again. Never going to have another “down” second. What a fucking fabulous life to live!! (Picture Tarzan beating my womanly chest and making his call – AAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA)

And today started out well. I led a great call at 9:00 AM. People got a new life out of one of the woman’s shares.

I meditated. I sat still for 10 minutes. I made my calls. I got in my car to go up to have my body worked on, a technique called “rolfing.” Things were still great.

I had a call at 1:45 with a guy that I thought would go differently. I was disappointed.

Then, when I got to my rolfer, she asked me if I was vaccinated.

“No, I had a homeopathic remedy. My Dr. said that was fine,” I said confidently.

“Get vaccinated,” she said. “Just do it. Homeopathic? Never heard of it.” She speaks very confidently like she knows everything. The whole session I was distracted.

“Is she right? Should I give up trusting my instincts and just make life easier and get the damn vaccine? Why doesn’t anyone believe in homeopathy? Why are the drug companies dictating how we should live?”

What about the people who say it’s bad for you? That it will cause problems later?

Or the people who have bad reactions? I was SO CONFUSED. What should I do? Somebody HELP ME!!!!

I went on the web site when I got home to try to schedule an appointment but I couldn’t figure it out so I didn’t do it. I moved on.

I checked my phone. My “happy causing” guys didn’t text me.

All of a sudden life sucked again. No more Happy Hilary. Pathetic Patty was BACK.

Here’s where I went:

I can’t keep everyone happy.

I’ll be alone forever.

I think one of the guys is a scammer. How will I know? I can’t tell. Someone needs to help me. I can’t trust my own instincts. HELP!!!!!!!

Then I had my live call tonight for my course.

Only 7 out of 24 people showed up. I’m obviously a loser. My own daughter got the time wrong and missed it. That is fucking pathetic.

This will never work. I’m stupid for trying. And on and on and on…………………..

So here’s what I know:

When things don’t happen the way I want them to or when I think they should, I go south.

Today they did. And I had an hour or so of fuckedness.

The difference today is that I allowed it. I wrote what I was experiencing. I didn’t make it wrong. I watched it.

Do I need a guy to feel better about myself? I’d like to say no, but I can see that when the possible scammer texted me tonight, I was happy again. For 5 minutes.

I guess what’s new is that I am allowing myself to have my funks.

(Confession: OK, so I am numbing myself a little with red wine and mixed nuts. I am tracking them so I am NOT out of control. Just enjoying the salt, crunch and alcohol. I actually put some of the nuts back so it was less points.)

Here’s what I forgot today. I am whole and complete. I don’t need someone to call me or text me to have me be ok. I am a child of God. Who am I not to be gorgeous, fabulous, wonderful, etc. (it’s a quote from Marianne Williamson in case you were wondering…..I heard it on my Oprah/Deepak meditation yesterday).

I just forgot and thought I needed some external validation for a few hours. Oopsie.

(Just dropped a nut in my wine!)

So here’s my new take:

My course is really great. Those who are ready will show up. The ones that do get their life out of it. They realize they are not alone. That they are not the only ones struggling. Three are from my work. They are purging the negative and we will then create a plan that empowers them. There will be HOPE AGAIN.

One just retired and is figuring out her life. Another two are struggling with child issues.

They are ALL getting unstuck.

As for me, I am not giving up on my dream of having a great relationship and having a show. I am putting out my intention and being aware of what gets in my way. I am tearing apart the vines that block my path. (Don’t you love that, it fits in with the Tarzan theme). I am getting faster at it and not staying stuck as long.

This stuff works. And it is my purpose in life. It is really fun to explore and discover new ways to get free.

Thanks for listening.

How Being In a Basement With A Creepy Guy Led Me To Finding My Dream House

When I got divorced, I started looking for places to live.  One of my friends was helping me and kept sending me places from Craigslist. None of them were even close to what I could picture myself living in.  

Not wanting to give up, I created a dream list of what I wanted using a pretend magic wand and spinning around with my eyes close.  My list included:

  • Being on the water
  • A Deck
  • A Washer/dryer
  • A Grill
  • $1500/month rent

People told me I was crazy.  That I would never find something like that.  I kept looking, not wanting to believe them, but nothing was close.  The one place that would have been ok, didn’t have a washer/dryer.  I didn’t want to have to go to the laundromat.

I was down to two more places.  At the next one, the guy who was showing me around was scary looking.  He wanted to take me down to his basement to show me the washer/dryer.  I remember thinking this is where I am going to die.  No one will ever know where my body is buried.  I can’t do this anymore.  

Luckily that didn’t happen, it was just my fear, but I decided I was done looking.  I had seen so many places and none were even close.  My friends were right.  I was dreaming.

“I’ll just go live with my parents.  I can’t do this,”  I told myself.

There was just one more place that my friend had sent me.  I was supposed to have a meeting that afternoon for work so I wasn’t going to see it, but the meeting got cancelled.  I called up the realtor and she said I could go right over.  

I couldn’t believe it.  I was driving closer and closer to the water.  I walked in and I could see the water at the other end of the cottage.  It had not one, but two decks, a huge 5 burner grill, and a washer dryer.

“How much did you say this was?”  I asked the realtor.

“$1500/month,”  he said.  

I looked up at the sky and thanked God.  My magic wand had truly brought me my dream home.

I was glad I didn’t quit one home too soon.  

I’ve been living on the water for the last 5 years.  That was one of the things I thought I had to give up when I got divorced.  

Because I didn’t give up I got to live my dream.  

Is there some place you are giving up?  Some dream you want but don’t think you could have?  What if you take it just a little bit further than normal?  You might also just get what you want. Try it.

I’m sure glad I did.  

And of course… If you want more educational and fun content…

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Creating Intentions

OK, so I’ve been negative about what I expect.

I start out very excited. I have the best expectations. I’ll be a best seller, Oprah will call me, I’ll have my own show. I am full of vim and vigor as my mom likes to say.

Sometime later, I don’t even remember what I said.

I published a book? Really?

Oprah? She’ll never call.

My own show? Nah? Too much work. Why try if I’m going to fail?

So what happens that I tank?

Well, what I’ve seen is that when things don’t go according to my plans, I revert back into my negative protective mode:

  • don’t get your hopes up
  • it won’t work out
  • you’re stupid for thinking it would

Sadly to say, these conversations were made up when I was 2. I don’t know if I made them up or inherited them. Needless to say they are survival mechanisms to prevent me from getting disappointed again like I was at 2.

Now what?

Well, now that I am AWARE of this, I can recognize my survival mechanism and create something new. The last two days I have set intentions. They interrupt my negative thinking and expectations. I will make 50 calls, make 3 appointments and talk to 10 decision makers. My focus shifts from being right about how I suck and can’t get it right to a positive expectation.

I have made appointments the last two days. So far I haven’t closed one, but I am EXPECTING TO. I am hopeful (sort of). OK, the negative kicks right back in when they don’t close immediately, but I am AWARE of that now.

This is all practice, folks. I am taking on blowing out my success, not worrying about what people think, and setting positive intentions in my next Getting Unstuck with Hilary course. I am excited to keep blowing through where I am stuck in my life.

Who knows what will happen? The first course showed me where I get stuck – as I said, when my expectations don’t equal what happens – I go down the negative tunnel to protect myself.

Staying in a positive expectation will be new. To keep my original expectations despite what happens will be a new way to play.

Stay tuned and thanks for listening.

Rather Than Numb Myself…..

Rather than numb myself with food I am going to write. I want to eat and I’m not hungry. Also, I only have 6 daily points left for Weight Watchers and it’s only 4:34.

What’s going on?

Thanks for asking.

I made alot of calls today for work and set up some appointments which was good. The bad part was that a few of the people I was following up with said no, we are not interested. After the 4th bad thing, I just felt resigned. Why bother wasting my time with this shit? I never wanted to be in sales anyway.

I went for a walk since I was feeling like “poop on a stick” as my kids used to say. My overwhelming little girl conversation is “I can’t get it right.” In that conversation, I am going through the motions and I guess, being right about how nothing will work. Everything seems like evidence and right now, eating seems like at least it would dull the pain temporarily.

Also, I guess I miss my guy “friend”. For the past year, I enjoyed talking to him on the phone and seeing him. It was something to look forward to. We were close and I liked being able to tell him what was going on in my day and hearing about his. I miss that. Pretending that I don’t is bullshit. There is nothing wrong with missing it. I am going to allow those feelings to come up.

Also, with my course. I filled it with 17 people in the last two days which is amazing. The part that is embarrassing is that I didn’t charge anyone for the course. I made $0 with this second course. I am admitting that I AM STUCK HERE. I am going to use this stuckness in the next course which launches today.

Why would I not charge people? Good question:

  • some people said they had no money – so I was nice and let them in anyway
  • I wanted to fill my course more than I wanted to wait for people who were willing to pay
  • some were my daughters friends
  • many are reviewers from the last time and do not have to pay again

I am going to accept that I did that and stop making myself wrong.

I am going to grow and develop in the area of asking to be paid. That’s all I can do right now.

The good news is I have 17 people. My goal was 20 like last time. (It doesn’t mean anything that I didn’t charge them.)

I am looking to the future when I am free to ask to be paid, Oprah calls me to be on her show, and my show is a roaring success. This is just the journey I am on.

All is well.

Thanks for listening.

PS The changes in type size has no meaning. I couldn’t figure out how to make it all bigger. WordPress changed and it defaults to tiny which is really annoying

A New Realm: Great-fulness

I was leading a call today and the woman sharing talked about being grateful.

When I looked at my notes, I had written down GREATFUL. I shared that “spelling mistake” and everyone got excited. I think I’m onto something.

  • Creating a new realm: Great-fulness.

Not only will this new word presence being grateful, but the spelling can also presence our greatness and the greatness of those around us. As a reminder that that’s who we are.

I have seen how different thoughts, contexts, and intentions can create either very powerful NEGATIVE energy or very powerful CREATIVE, UPLIFTING energy.

I believe that the term Greatfulness will help propel me into the second type. Lately I have been shedding attachments and anchors and feeling a tad like a victim. Today I transformed the end of my relationship (which I shared yesterday) to one of gratitude to this person instead of making him wrong and wanting him to suffer and get him back. This is a true shift for me on the path of healing. Here is what I am communicating to this person instead:

  • thank you for the experience of being loved
  • thank you for playing full out and jumping into a potential lifelong love affair
  • thank you for having me get clear that we do not want the same things – it is that simple
  • I don’t need to make either of us wrong – we simply want different things
  • I am greatful that I am free to pursue a relationship that honors me exactly as I am
  • I am greatful that I am clear that my neediness was not an indictment, but an indicator that I wasn’t getting what I wanted – and although I was trying to make it work anyway, my instincts were telling me it wasn’t right
  • I am greatful that I listened to my instincts and removed the attachment so we can both be free to pursue lives we love
  • thank you for helping me through COVID. it was wonderful to have someone to talk to during this past year
  • thank you for supporting me in many things most importantly, drinking more water, pursuing my dreams, and believing in myself
  • I love you

That is a real shift from yesterday and as I go through the spaces of mourning and grief of what I thought I had, I will continue to share. Jumping into dialogue (even though this is a one way monologue), helps me heal and move on.

I love you all.