Do I Want to Be Right?

Great question!

One of my techniques for creating freedom is not resisting my experience. Last night I woke up at 3:00 AM. My mother had unplugged a part of the alarm system my nephew had installed. I had no idea if it would summon the police or fire. Thankfully, my sister had also woken up, and knew what to do.

Crisis avoided, I got back into bed, heart pounding. It was a familiar feeling of something’s wrong and there’s danger.

I decided to not resist it. My mind kept returning to something that had happened earlier in the day. I had helped someone out and had expected to get accolades, acknowledgements, and praise. Instead I got nothing. I was surprised and I could see I got a little stuck after this.

My brain was telling me “you do stupid things and everyone is going to leave you.”

I recognized this as a familiar rant of my mind. Rather than resist and try to talk myself out of it, I decided to dial it up. I repeated “YOU DO STUPID THINGS AND EVERYONE IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU!” over and over loudly inside my head.

This is my automatic programming from a 2 year old incident. I didn’t get to go to a concert and was left in the driveway. (The truth, I think, was that there was never a ticket for me and I was never going. I just assumed I was.) I was disappointed and made up a story that I had done something stupid and that’s why they left me.

Yesterday I was disappointed too, I could see. I expected a different reaction from this person and didn’t get it. All of a sudden, the fear kicked in. “You can’t be your REAL self. You have to be good. Keep your mouth shut. And definitely don’t expect anything. You’ll just be disappointed. They will leave you again.”

All that was going through my mind. The difference was that this time, I just got to watch it like a ticker tape instead of thinking it was the truth.

I DON’T want to be right about that I want to be able to be my REAL SELF and be free. I chose not to listen and not to be right.

And today I am fine and fully self-expressed.

Do YOU want to be right? I challenge you to take a look.

Thanks for listening.

Are they stupid or just different?

In working with the quote this week – Are you waiting for someone else to change so you can be happy? – I have noticed a bunch of stuff.

I don’t necessarily think other people should change, but I DO THINK think they are stupid.

Usually because their way is different than MY WAY. It’s been very interesting to see.

Very interesting to see all these new things

For example, a friend of mine was saying he didn’t deserve certain things and I thought that was terrible. How could a person think that way?

But then, when he was stuck in traffic on his way home after coming to see me, I felt bad. A lightbulb went off – I didn’t think I deserved someone having to be in traffic just for coming to see me. Like I wasn’t worth it!!! Like I didn’t deserve someone to be inconvenienced. Wow!!! Who knew?

I guess we all think we deserve some things but not others. Very interesting.

Also, I saw that when people spend money on things that I wouldn’t spend it on, I judge them. And, they probably judge me if I spend differently than them. Also very interesting.

But here’s my question:

Why should I think they are stupid just because they have their own set of values? Why is “stupid” so automatic?

I think growing up we were taught that “right” was a certain way.

  • Don’t waste money
  • Don’t use credit cards
  • Save your money
  • Don’t be extravagant
  • Don’t waste time
  • Don’t drive the speed limit – it’s for idiots
  • Don’t hang around with losers or you’ll end up like one
  • Guys don’t make passes at girls with fat asses
  • Don’t be fat
  • It’s ok to stand up a girlfriend if you get asked out by a guy

I naturally assumed these were “world rules” that everyone followed and if you didn’t you were STUPID.

Until something happened:

I stood up a girlfriend for a guy which, according to my mother was a universal rule for women, and my friend GOT MAD. I was confused and explained my mother’s rule. My friend was horrified. She thought my behavior was RUDE and INCONSIDERATE. OOPSIE!

That’s when I learned that not everyone shared my set of rules. Everyone has their own set.

As a people pleaser, since then I have spent a lot of time trying to learn other people’s rules so I can keep them happy. It’s a lot of work, a thankless job, and not easy to do.

Since I am now 61, I am thinking that I can stop working so hard trying to please everyone else. I could enjoy my life instead and just be interested in what makes other people tick. I can be fascinated in how different we all are. Instead of the good/bad, stupid/smart, right/wrong paradigm that I’ve been living in . It might make for a more enjoyable and inclusive way to live.

What do YOU think?

If you haven’t subscribed to my new newsletter, please let me know and we will get you on. The weekly theme is really fun and thought provoking.

Thanks for listening.

Annoyed about Being Annoyed

I had to stop resisting my annoyance with my mom. I felt like a terrible person, daughter and human.

This video talks about how I got free from that. (Also, see tips below)

Seriously?

I use this week’s quote: “Are you waiting for someone else to change so you can be happy?”

I’ve heard the little voice in my head many times:

“If he/she didn’t say stuff like that I could be happy,”

Any time I take something the wrong way, it affects my mood/happiness. Instead of wishing people were different, I am now looking at how I can react instead. Here are my tips for when you are waiting for someone to change so you can be happy:

  • Notice if you are upset with someone else’s behavior/comments
  • Notice if you are wishing they would change
  • If so, consider the fact that they will probably never change
  • Given that, you have some choices to make
    • accept them as they are
    • or alter your reaction
    • or accept your reaction
  • Example from the video:
  • I get annoyed when my mother asks a lot of questions, especially when I’ve already told her the answers or that I don’t know them
  • I don’t think I should be annoyed so I try to be pretend nice which just makes me feel like I want to explode or run away
  • I wish she would change so I could be happy
  • I realize she’s NEVER going to change or be different
  • I accept her and accept that it annoys me
  • Once I allow my annoyance, magically I feel free.
  • I can answer her questions, joke around and have a good time with my mother instead of feeling of wanting to avoid her and spend as little time with her as possible   

It’s quite remarkable since for a Long Long time I really didn’t enjoy being around my mom for this reason. I felt terrible knowing that I was being so nasty, not appreciating her, not being grateful that she is still here, wondering what’s wrong with me since some people have lost their mothers, etc.

All that just made me feel worse for feeling that way.

Allowing my annoyance and finally not resisting it gave me freedom.

I hope this makes sense. It’s a little tricky, but it works.

Thanks for listening and have a great day.

Are You Waiting For Someone Else to Change?

The quote of this week is so exciting. Guess why? It’s mine.

In my video I talk about where it came from. You’ll never guess……. from when I was married. I was literally waiting for my husband to change so I could be happy.

Yes I was waiting for him to change so I could be happy – not a fun life!!

Once I realized this I was on the road to happiness.

“Why should he have to change? Why should anyone have to change? They should be able to be exactly the way they are.”

“And so should I. I wouldn’t want to have to change for someone else to be happy. I want to be able to be exactly as I am too.”

And here’s the great thing. Once I realize that I was no longer waiting for him to change.

AND, …….THE BIG ONE HERE, FOLKS……..He didn’t have to change, AND, I didn’t have to stay in a marriage that was not working for me. Given the way he was, I was choosing to save my soul.

  • I didn’t like the way he did money
  • I didn’t like the way he treated me
  • I didn’t like being disrespected
  • I didn’t like not being heard
  • I didn’t like being blamed for “always being upset” and never being able to have a conversation about what was really going on
  • I didn’t like being told promises that weren’t kept and then told he “never said them” so I literally felt like I was the crazy one. I know I heard it, I know he said, why is he saying he didn’t?

I literally felt like I was going insane. I needed to get out to save myself.

I grabbed back my power, stopped being dependent on his behavior for my happines, and started designing my life to work for me.

And I have. I now have a life I really love. It is awesome.

And YOU CAN TOO!!!!

Thanks for listening.

PS I am launching a new newsletter. First one to send tomorrow. It discusses my newly defined “Getting Real: a collection of tools and techniques to help people get unstuck and create freedom in their lives.”

PPS. I’m really excited to be working with a new social media strategist. 6th one’s a charm. YAY!!

PPSS If you have subscribed to this blog, you should receive a copy. And, you are free to unsubscribe if would like. (But I hope you won’t).

Wishing I Was WAY BETTER!

To keep the quote going, I was feeling like “poop on a stick,” as my kids used to say, instead of how I “wished I was” when I recorded this video. I worked through being stuck in order to get to freedom.

Getting Unstuck

I’ve also been seeing how immature I am when someone makes a comment I don’t like.

  • I talk badly about them
  • I think “fuck you”
  • I think of ways to get them back
  • I talk about how I was wronged and how BAD the person is that said it

I’ve been thinking I shouldn’t be that way.

But, what if I just accept myself as is. I could play with it instead of thinking I’m just BAD.

Life would be alot more fun. I can accept my evil side and just roll with it.

Also, in the video, is exploring something new. It involves not only “saying what can’t be said,” but also “hearing what can’t be heard.” I’m not sure I am mature enough for that one right now. But I will think about it.

Food for thought as always.

Thanks for listening and have a great day.

Bad Person – Take 2

I use the quote again in my video to create freedom for myself. “To dream of the person you wish to be is to waste the person you are.”

Working through my own stuck-ness using the quote of the week

“Getting Real” is a collection of tools and techniques that work if you are stuck, struggling or suffering. They create freedom and help you get into action creating a life you love.

We are redoing my web site so that it supports this newly defined direction. I am confident in my one on one work with people. I know this makes a huge difference in people’s lives.

Where I was struggling and thinking I should be more like other people is with these blogs and videos. I was afraid that they suck, I’m an idiot, and the rest of the world knows and is waiting for me to just GET THAT.

“Shut up already”

“Get real and stop being stupid”

“OMG are you for real?”

“You are an idiot”

These are the things I was afraid that people were silently thinking. I traced my fear back to an incident in college where a girl was really confident, friendly and loud. My story was that no one liked her and she looked like a fool. She didn’t know that they didn’t like her and thought they were all her friends. In my story, they couldn’t wait for her to leave.

I was afraid that would happen to me if I was confident and approached people like they liked me. I never wanted to be that girl so I got quiet, assumed they didn’t like me, put myself down, acted like what I was doing was weird or I knew it wasn’t good. I saw yesterday that it was a defense mechanism. If I put myself down then if they did, it wasn’t a big issue. I “already knew it.” Somehow it wouldn’t hurt as much. If I assumed they didn’t like me, then I couldn’t be hurt if they didn’t.

It didn’t really work in actually, but it was an automatic strategy I created. All so that I wouldn’t be “like her.” It became my worst fear. That story and strategy has limited me for so many years. I’m glad I saw it today so I can create some freedom around it.

I am declaring that I make a difference AND not everyone has to like what I’m doing or even understand it. It’s ok. It doesn’t devalue it AT ALL.

And, that I can assume that people DO LIKE me instead of that they don’t. And if they don’t, it’s ok. They don’t HAVE TO!!!!!

That’s a new world for me to stand in. Wow!!!

So, please subscribe, follow, and contact me at http://www.gettingrealwithhilary.com if you would like freedom in an area where YOU are stuck, suffering or struggling. I’d love to create freedom for you in your life as I do in mine and many other people’s. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks for listening.

The Person You Wish To Be

This week’s quote is about wishing you were someone else and how that wastes who you are.

This video tells some stories from my life where I thought I should be more like other people.

Why aren’t I more like my sister?

Luckily my mother told me that not everyone has the same talents and that I had other talents that my sister doesn’t have.

I couldn’t think of any so again, luckily, she told me some of mine.

Why are we so clear on our weaknesses and not focused on our positives?

Good question.

Some of my lack of talents:

  • wrapping a pretty gift
  • throwing a perfect party
  • buying feminine clothes
  • being a girly girl

Some of my strengths:

  • I don’t judge
  • I can listen
  • I am fun
  • I am smart

It’s funny even as I list my strengths I want to put a but like, well not all the time, or sometimes I don’t ……. interesting I don’t have those caveats on the weaknesses.

Anyway, food for thought. I have to get ready for a phone call.

Thanks for listening.

Am I Stupid? Wrong Question

I spent the morning trying to get rid of the question “Am I Stupid?”

Here’s my trying to work out my stupidity

I didn’t realize that was the wrong question to be asking even though I spent to much time on it.

You see, I have this thing that happens when I’m disappointed which makes it 1000 times worse than what actually happened. My thinking goes like this:

Well, you’re stupid. What did you expect? It’s your fault for being so dumb. Why did you think that you would ever:

  • get treated well
  • get what you want
  • accomplish anything worthwhile
  • be ok
  • ever REALLY be loved
  • ever be happy
  • ever be able to trust yourself
  • etc.

It could go on forever. AND, it gets worse. When I get like this I think I am all alone and can’t talk to anyone because everything bad that’s happening is my fault, I’m the idiot, and who wants to listen to me complain because, as I said, IT’S ALL MY FAULT!!!! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!!!!!

It’s a vicious circle, trap, hell, horrible place. And I was living there all morning.

The antidote for me is to get into dialogue and distinguish what is going on. Today when I finally started talking, I realized that I am not stupid at all. The right question was “what happened?”

And the answer was that I was just disappointed. I just didn’t know it. So instead I got on my “STUPID TRAINWRECK CYCLE.” I would have stopped if I had recognized it, but I didn’t. I really thought I WAS STUPID and then became a confused, powerless, hopeless victim.

Dramatic? Yes.

True that it seemed that way? Yes.

After spending 6 miserable hours “dealing” with my stupidity, I could finally see that it wasn’t that at all.

I was just disappointed. It wasn’t even that big of a thing. Just a few expectations that weren’t met. Just like my 2 year old incident. That’s all.

Here’s what happened:

I thought I was seeing a friend and it wasn’t working out. Then we fought about it. Then people showed up in my office unexpectedly, invading my safe haven. Then, my prescription wasn’t ready after I waited over an hour for it. It all fueled how fucked up my life seemed.

I had a good cry from the frustration of it all. Thankfully I had a nice new box of tissues for the unhappy occasion. I sorted through it, and, voila, I am back.

I’m not stupid at all. I don’t have to waste any more time on that one.

I just didn’t get things the way I thought they would be. That’s really all that happened.

I can take a deep breath. I’m not alone. People do love me.

I can get get back to work.

Thanks for listening.

Tips For A Confused Victim

Yes, the confused victim was me. It took me 3 tries on the video to get to the bottom of it. Wow!! Getting into dialogue is brutal, but effective.

I won’t give it away but these are my 6 steps:

  • Get into dialogue
  • What are you being right about?
  • Are you willing to not be right?
  • Can you forgive?
  • If not, what are you choosing to suffer over?
  • What can you see now?

What I got to was:

  • Don’t tell me to believe in myself

I’ll do it when I’m gosh darn ready.

And,

  • it’s easier to pick a fight than to GET REAL sometimes when the getting real is painful and sad

That’s all she wrote, folks. It’s in the video.

Working it out “out loud”

Have a great day.

Thanks for listening.

PS If these blogs and videos are making a difference and you think I SHOULD believe in myself, please let me know. I’m having one of those days and it would make a difference for me.

Why Am I Always in a Hurry?

I did a video this morning with only 20 minutes before I had to lead a call. My heart was racing and I was rushed, but I did it anyway.

What’s the damn hurry? Why do I cause myself so much stress? If I just did the video later when I had more time, I’d be relaxed and calm.

Laughing at myself

As I’m typing this, I realize it’s kind of a game. I like to be productive. I like to get things done. I try to squeeze just one more thing in………..because it’s fun!!!

So even though my adrenalin is racing and I’m feeling stressed, it’s like an internal contest to see how many things I can do. Can I finish this blog before my next call in 13 minutes? Maybe?

Will I have time to edit it? I don’t know. But I will try.

It’s exciting to get things done. It’s exciting to cross things off my list.

When I get everything done, I can THEN relax. My schedule is, get my work done, and then I can go to the beach for an hour. It’s my reward for doing what I’m supposed to do. I can THEN sit and breathe and read and probably not REALLY relax, but for me the closest thing to it.

Nothing will happen if I don’t get things done, I just like to.

So why do I think hurrying is a bad thing? I guess when the underlying mode is that something bad will happen if I don’t get the thing done, then I’m not CHOOSING productivity, I’m being run by it. Like I HAVE to do it with no freedom. And this blog is about CREATING FREEDOM.

So…………if I can breathe a little more in between tasks, take a minute to look around, be present, and enjoy life, maybe I won’t be so frazzled and manic. Maybe I will think clearer. I don’t know.

I’m just looking at this, and up to now, I thought being in a hurry was all bad and wrong. At least I did this morning when making my video. (See above)

Now I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s a way to just get things done AND there can be a little balance thrown in.

Let me know your feelings about this.

Thanks for listening.