This Is Not New

I’ve got 12 minutes to write this.

I have to get on the road for work, but I’m in a familiar funk.

So here goes – let’s see if I can create some freedom………….

I was away, had a great time, was my new possibility of being happy, connected, loving life, patient and even flexible for the first time in my life.

I wasn’t a rigid, uptight, planned to the minute person. It was very enjoyable.

Even when I got back at 2:00 AM and got up at 5:30 to get to the gym before work. I was taking it all in stride Monday morning.

Somewhere along the day when my internet took two hours to get fixed, I couldn’t get to sleep that night, and I had the major fight yesterday with my family, I got fucked up.

I’m not feeling the joy, flexibility or patience anymore. I’m back in being scheduled every minute and don’t mess up my plan. This is serious and I HAVE TO WORK!!! SOMEONE HAS TO!!!

Like I have to suffer. I have to be righteous. I have to make certain members of my family wrong for NOT being scheduled, for enjoying their life, for NOT WORKING!!!

I can’t help my opinion that enjoying their life not working is WRONG.

But maybe it’s me. Maybe I don’t have to be so uptight (ya think?).

Maybe I don’t have to be on vacation to enjoy myself, be patient, and be flexible.

It’s just the way I have done things in the past. I don’t have to continue that way.

My daughter is passing through on her way from New York to New Hampshire. Could I be flexible enough to get to see her even though I have a full day of work planned?

What would that take for me to be pleasant instead of already put upon?

Could I forgive myself for how I’ve been? Could I forgive myself for not being as relaxed as I was on vacation? Not ready to blurt out I’m HAPPY at any second? Resigned about relationships and things ever being different?

Good questions. I wish I had more time to dwell in this. But it’s been helpful to get it out. I was just miserably making myself wrong and it sucked. So, getting it out here helps me.

What can you say that would free you? Just wondering………..

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I Know I’m Being A Victim

I know I’m being a victim.

I’m not enjoying my life and I’m not having fun.

Why?

Funny you should ask. I know I’m taking everything personally. And I really just need a good cry. But in the meantime, I’ll just VENT. No advice, please. No coaching. No comments. I already know I’m being a jerk.

Situation 1:

My daughter’s boyfriend flew in from Australia last night. My daughter, Haley, and her father (my ex) went to pick him up this morning. I was at the gym.

“We are ten minutes away from the Edge,” Haley said. I texted her where my car was. I had her clean laundry in my car.

“OK. I’ll see you soon.”

I hung up the phone excited to meet Mav and see Haley. I skipped stretching and stood by the front door after ten minutes had passed. I watched for their car.

After a few minutes I called her. “Where are you?”

“We are at Stew Leonard’s buying bagels.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I guess I won’t wait here anymore.” I grabbed my bag and stomped to my car. “What the fuck? I’ve been standing here like an ass hole waiting for you. Guess I’m an ass hole for thinking you were coming. I thought you got off the highway to see me. Fuck me………”

I haven’t stopped ranting since. And that was 5 hours ago.

Unlike my ex-husband, son and daughter, I work. I don’t have time to hang out and lollygag around wondering how the wind is going to blow. Maybe I’m a little self-righteous about it and victimized by my work schedule, but I also like to be able to pay my bills. I don’t live for free at my mother’s house like my ex-husband does. I feel better about myself when I am paying my own way. (Just an aside since I’m on a roll).

Apparently my ex told Haley that I’d be available at 7:30 instead of the time we picked which was 7:15. That was not the case. I had to run to weight watchers, get weighed, take a shower back at the gym, go to the meeting, and then get to Waterbury for a client meeting. That was my only free window of time since I cut short my stretching.

How the fuck would Mark know when I was available when I didn’t even speak to him? Why would she say ten minutes and then just blow me off?

Why is this even a big deal? Why am I still so mad hours later? It was just a miscommunication.

True.

But for me, it’s my life. It’s my two year old incident.

Being lied to.

Being left in the driveway.

Not mattering.

Being blown off.

And then, when I’m upset, being told it was JUST A MISCOMMUNICATION!!!

And to make it worse, my mother tells me “you really need to meet Mav.”

I REALLY lost any remaining sanity and started screaming at her.

So let’s add it all up:

I’m a screaming lunatic victim who is not accepting apologies. Who’s making a big deal out of a mere miscommunication. And I know I’m being a jerk and I’m wrong for being one.

I could be gracious and admit it was just a mistake. But I am not.

I WANT THEM TO SUFFER!!

I WANT TO BE RIGHT ABOUT HOW I DON’T MATTER!! I’M IRRELEVANT!! IT’S ALWAYS LIKE THIS WITH MARK!!! I’M THE LAST ONE TO KNOW THAT HE HAS CHANGED THE PLANS!! I’M STANDING THERE WAITING LIKE A FUCKING ASS HOLE ONCE AGAIN!!! And then he acts all innocent so I look like the FUCKING BITCH!!!!!

Situation 2:

One of my weight watcher friends asked me why I was surprised that they were treating me this way. “This is not a new thing,” she said.

Made me feel worse.

Situation 3:

One client told me she’d call me right back. She hasn’t and never does. Two other potential clients told me they are not interested and to delete them. One said he only told me to follow up to get rid of me. What a DICK!!!!!! I wrote his restaurant a really bad review. And I stared at it.

But I didn’t press post. Because I knew it would look bad on me.

I know intellectually that he’s not responding to me.

Instead of wanting to punish people for an incident that happened when I was two, I could be a little more mature. I could forgive instead of suffer.

And I will. Just give me a few more minutes to feel stupid and angry. To be a victim.

And then I will apologize for my childish behavior……..

OK, not right now, but real soon……..

The miraculous thing is that just being able to vent this has released it’s grip on me. A little bit. I might be able to let it go………………soon.

I’ll let you know when.

“Enjoy Every Moment”

This weekend I was at a conference.  One of the guest speakers was Robin Quivers who has starred on the Howard Stern show for over 3o years.

She talked about setting goals, her life and her success.

I was interested because I have been a very good goal setter and goal achiever. But I have never reached the kind of success that Robin spoke about. Her story intrigued me.

“I could never have set goals to achieve what Howard and I have accomplished,”  Robin said.  “I just enjoyed every day.  We went where no one has been, simply by doing what we loved and having fun.   We could never have predicted the kind of success that we have created.  It didn’t exist when we started.” (The quote is what I remember, not word for word verbatim…….)

This contrasted to earlier in her life when Robin was a nurse, serving in the air force, and struggling to find what would make her happy.

Stumbling upon broadcasting, meeting a mentor who opened some doors, and meeting Howard set her on her life’s path.  I found her message fascinating and thought provoking.

I was taught that goals were what there was to do.  I went to business school and had coaches.  Specific measurable results was “doing it right.”  Yet for me, something was missing.

Enjoying every day?  Following my joy?  Letting go and letting it happen?  Being in the flow?  Not easy for a task oriented person like myself.

What is my calling?  I ask myself most days.  I struggle to define it.

Maybe it’s empowering people to create lives that they love.  Being their REAL self, free from the limits that our brains put on us.  Following our passions, being loved just as we are, being connected.

For me, sharing authentically and really listening gives me a sense of purpose. Writing and making people laugh gives me joy.

I don’t know where this will lead me, but I feel that when I am listening in a certain way, discovering new ways to create freedom, and inspiring people with my authentic sharing and humor, that I am in the flow. When I am not afraid to be my true, outrageous self. Not worrying about being annoying or obnoxious. Being loud and a little crazy.

I can feel when I am in it.  I can tell when I am not.

As we learned this week, everything takes practice.  We are not a certain stuck way.  All we can do is practice every day being how we are called to be.  And create lives that we love.

I thank Robin for an inspiring and empowering talk.

PS I wrote this yesterday and today, I was not in the flow. I was tired and irritated. I guess that’s why it takes practice. Because I’m not very good at enjoying every moment – YET!!!!!!

“Don’t I Look Fat, Though?”

I showed my daughter,Haley, an old picture of the two of us that I had found on my phone.

“Don’t I look fat, though?” I asked after she said she liked the picture.

“Mom, if you keep thinking like that you will keep attracting what you don’t want.”

“I know that, but……..” I tried to say defensively. I already know that, don’t I?

She told me a story of two of her friends. One lost weight because she was speaking about what she wanted to attract. One “got ugly” because she was always afraid she was. Whatever that means, I get the point.

Why don’t I remember this? My brain is so “to the negative” and it seems so true.

“You look good,” some of my weight watchers friends told me last week. It was the end of our meeting. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror.

“I can’t look good at this weight,” my mind automatically told me. “They’re just being nice.”

I went back out. “Do you REALLY think so?” I asked Maria. “Are you just saying it because you’re a nice person?”

“No. I really mean it. You look great. I haven’t been around for a while and I was noticing how good you looked from across the room.”

Another friend wrote me a note: “You are extremely fit. You are amazingly fit.” And it doesn’t say FAT, it says FIT, she said.

Today at the gym a guy I know suggested I row.

“You can get a really high metabolic work out.”

I heard it as “you really need to lose weight and this will help.”

Yesterday, after Haley’s positive lecture, I still walked around Hollywood where we are staying as if I was fat and ugly. I just was.

At dinner, I went into the ladies room. I looked at myself.

I did look good. My legs did look fit and muscular and not the huge tree trunks I always imagine. My face looked pretty and not the round too fat face I thought would be looking back at me. The pink of my shirt gave me a healthy nice look. It didn’t make me look obese as I had thought while we were walking.

I came back to the table. “I actually look pretty good.” I said.

Haley’s friend Laurence agreed. “I was going to tell you how good you look,” he said. “Better than you looked when I saw you last year.”

“Did I look terrible last year?” I asked. I couldn’t help myself.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying you look good now.”

“Oh, ok.” See how automatic it is.

I guess if I’ve spent my many years thinking negatively, it’s not going to change immediately.

My brain will keep telling me I’m fat, but I can SAY something different.

“I AM HAPPY AND I LOOK FUCKING AMAZING!!!” I can say.

“I AM HAPPY, LIVE IN ABUNDANCE, LOOK FABULOUS, and HAVE A GREAT LIFE!!”

“I AM HAPPY, LIVE IN ABUNDANCE, LOOK FABULOUS, HAVE A GREAT LIFE, AND I AM ATTRACTING AN AMAZING MAN TO BE MY LIFE PARTNER AND LIVE MY DREAM LIFE ADVENTURE”

Well, it’s going to take some work. Not to be negative, but I’ve said this kind of thing before, just a couple of blogs ago. I guess I just forgot. It’s not bad, I just forget.

Because I’m a human being. And I’m perfect just as I am.

And so are you.

Being Happy

In our wisdom weekend, I raised my hand to demonstrate my relationship resignation.

“I’ve given up. I don’t even try anymore.”

“Well, what’s your possibility for relationships?” Joyce asked.

“Having an empowering partnership.”

“That’s in the world of having,” Joyce explained. She pointed to the board. There were 3 circles. Having was the circle on the right.

“Well, I don’t know what to do, so I stopped doing anything,” I said. “I thought that was my problem.”

“That’s in the circle of doing,” She pointed to the middle circle.

The circle on the left was called Being.

“How are you being when you are resigned?” Joyce asked.

I didn’t know. I was blank. Joyce asked the other participants the same question. They shouted out their answers. Angry. Sad. Annoyed. Bossy. Right.

What was my answer? In relationships, I am always upset about something.

“Dissatisfied,” I said. “I am BEING dissatisfied.”

“What’s a new possibility you’d like to invent?” Joyce asked me.

Hmmmmm. What did I always want in relationships?

“To be HAPPY!” I yelled. Where did that come from? I wondered.

I felt different. I felt alive. My molecules had realigned just by my speaking.

Joyce walked over to me. She looked me in the eyes. “How are you?” Joyce asked.

“HAPPY!” I yelled. We repeated this several times.

“Who’s enrolled in this possibility?” she asked the rest of the people.

I couldn’t believe it. Almost everyone had their hand up.

“Are they enrolled in my possibility or their own for being happy?” I asked.

“Possibility is not any one person’s,” Joyce explained. “It’s universal. They are enrolled in the possibility itself.”

Wow. It was so easy.

I went around saying “I’m HAPPY” the rest of the day. People smiled.

I have to admit, though, that I fully expected someone to tell me to shut up and go back to being miserable. Wasn’t I being annoying being so HAPPY?

It’s really kind of funny. And a little sad. That I think people would prefer me to be miserable over being happy.

The truth is that no one got annoyed. Instead they smiled back and gave me the thumbs up.

Throughout the day I sometimes forgot. I’d be muttering about something and thinking there was something wrong.

“How are you?” Someone would ask.

“Oh, right, I forgot. I’m HAPPY,” I’d say. And I would smile and stop complaining.

It was as simple as saying it.

Try it. See what happens for you. You might just get HAPPY.

Have a happy freaking day!!!!!!

Silent or Free

I just had a Wisdom Weekend in NYC.

We looked at resignation and the different phases of it.

We looked at where in our life resignation occurs as normal.

How we can just kill off possibility – our own and others.

And where we wait for someday, one day, and don’t take action on our dreams.

I shared about how I am resigned about relationships.  I thought I was doing well going from victim to complacent.

Normal is “I’m alone and I’m ok with that.”

Really?

My dream has always been to be in a wonderful, romantic loving relationship with a passionate, empowered, loyal man.

Well, that dream was buried under high levels of guck:

  • Don’t want to get hurt again
  • I pick the wrong guys
  • Look what happened in my marriage
  • The last guy (and several before) lied about being married/available
  • It starts off great and then something happens and it’s different
  • I get pathetic and needy and I hate that
  • It’s just easier to be alone.

One of the women shared about her childhood.  Her mom was busy and she didn’t want to “bother her.” 

She learned to be independent and self-sufficient.  Didn’t need anyone else.  “I got this.”  Kind of life. Worked hard.

My eyes leaked for the next hour.

That was me.  I don’t want to bother anyone.  I was very busy doing a lot of stuff. No time for people.

“What you can’t be with, you avoid………”

And there was more.  I hated that I was upset as a child.  “Don’t be upset” I was told.

I avoid upsetting other people. 

Instead of speaking up, I leave.  I just get rid of people.  I don’t tell them why.  I just go away.

We were having lunch yesterday and a guy at our table made an obnoxious comment. 

I didn’t like it.  I decided I didn’t like this table or him.  After a couple of minutes of misery, I got up and left. I sat with some different people on the other side of the restaurant.

I liked it better over there.

I saw him later that day. “Why did you leave? Dona said you were mad at me about something.”

Hmmm, I thought. I guess Dona told him. What to do? Guess I can go for it……..

“Well…………..I didn’t like when you said X…….  But I didn’t say anything.  I just decided I didn’t like you or that group.  No one was talking to me. So I left.”

“OK, anything else?”  I looked at him.  He really got it.  He wasn’t upset.  He was smiling at me.

I thought about it. “No…….Thanks. I feel much better now. ”  I gave him a big hug. 

Wow. I felt free.  He wasn’t upset.  I was no longer upset.  I felt love for myself and others return.  It wasn’t a big deal anymore. It was quite simple. I felt connected to other humans.

When I’m upset, I think I shouldn’t be.  I try to talk myself out of it which makes it worse.  I tell myself there’s something wrong with me. I’m better off being alone so no one can see how miserable I am. I leave.

I jam myself into being silent. And it sucks.

I have a choice now.  I can “say what can’t be said.”  I can communicate.  I can feel alive and connected.

I can keep practicing this.  Even if I do it poorly, it’s better than being silent, disconnected and resigned that this is as good as it gets. I knew this before and I just forgot.

All I have to do is open my mouth and share what’s really there.  No one has gotten upset and left me for doing it. 

YET my brain is screaming.  They haven’t left you YET!!!!!

Thank you for sharing, brain.

I’d much rather be free than listen to your resigned advice.

I choose FREEDOM.

Abundance

I’ve had some unexpected expenses the past few weeks.

And before that I bought some new clothes.

Rather than keeping my credit card balance at 0, it has now crept up again.

And my mind wants to jump to:

  • something is wrong
  • I’m going to die
  • I’m out of control
  • I’m going in the wrong direction
  • HELP ME!!!
  • My balance is going to keep going up and there’s NOTHING I CAN DO!!
  • I’m helpless and powerless
  • I had it perfect and I blew it
  • PANIC AND FEAR AND FULL BLOWN BODY SENSATIONS OF TIGHT CHEST, HEADACHE, CAN’T BREATHE

It’s really amazing. And it’s just like when I think I’m gaining weight. Or when I wake up in a panic. It’s the similar thoughts and body sensations.

This week I’ve had the following expenses:

  • new brakes
  • new tires
  • more money to my boss for rent, contests and recruiting
  • taxes
  • and next week the upcoming trip to Los Angeles

Being afraid isn’t going to help me. Each time I’ve been aware of my discomfort, I’ve changed my thoughts from fear to:

  • ABUNDANCE
  • I am living in ABUNDANCE

And I take a deep breath. And my whole body relaxes.

I guess I’ve had this ongoing thing……when I feel out of control, I get afraid. And then I try to control things. And it seems then that things get worse. I spend more, or eat more, or worry more.

It doesn’t help AT ALL.

So if I think I’m a thin person or I’m living in abundance or I am successful, my being and energy changes.

I’ve been listening to the Oprah Super Soul Sunday podcasts. They talk about being a channel for universal energy (probably not what they called it but I can’t remember their exact words right now). I actually feel different when I stop trying to control things and let them happen.

And wonder why I’ve always focused on what I’m afraid of? I guess it doesn’t matter, it’s just being human.

Well now, I am feeling calm. And imagining what I REALLY WANT:

  • a fit healthy trim body
  • abundance
  • a great partnership with a loving, faithful man
  • a fulfilled, happy, prospering family
  • spreading love and acceptance around the world
  • creating a connecting, loving world community

And that feels much calmer and much more peaceful. Instead of worrying about whether I am packing the right clothes for my trip, I can calmly sort through the piles of potential clothes and just be calm. (Well, I’m not sure if I can do that yet, but I’ll certainly work on it tomorrow. Packing is not my best thing right now.)

Oops – I’ll use the new technique. I am a smart and wonderful packer. That takes off the pressure of trying to “get it right”.

See how easy it is…….ok, more later.