Pushing the Envelope

He’s back and I am practicing asking for what I want. This is a soap opera of my real life. I am using it in case it can help someone else.

Probably only those women who have been in bad relationships will relate. It would seem idiotic to an observor, but for me, the whole thing still has a grip on me.

I am breaking through the grip. I am feeling shame, fear, and vulnerability.

But I’m also eperiencing pride. I am proud of myself for challenging everything I have put together as my identity:

  • Being quiet
  • Not being high maintenance
  • Being good
  • Not asking for what I want
  • Putting up with whatever is given in the name of “being someone that can be kept around”
  • Because I have speaking up equal to “being left”

I am sure this guy will NOT call me because of what I asked him to think about. (Watch the video to find out).

So even though I may look ridiculous and ignorant to the outside eye, this is REAL FOR ME.

Thanks for listening. If you don’t like these episodes, hopefully there will be a new topic soon.

Right now I am using whatever I am struggling with and this is it.

Here it is – shame and pushing the envelope:

Part of me can’t believe I’m publishing this – oh well I am!

How To Be Treated – Seriously?

Quoting Reese Witherspoon and Oprah

Well, this was a long one. I am still wondering how I got sucked in to an A plus talker with an F in action. My past pattern still in play.

All I can do is learn from it. (If you’re not up on this saga, look at the last two days blogs and videos – I go into excruciating and painful detail).

The part that gets me is that I was “SO HAPPY.” So freaking happy when I wasn’t berating myself.

Indicators I ignored:

  • knowing that I couldn’t tell anyone what I was doing because they would disapprove
  • rather than hearing I’m an idiot, I’ll just keep quiet

“It’s my life,” I told myself. “If I’m happy, that’s all that I need to care about.”

I also looked at what would have me behave this way:

  • I’m 60. Men aren’t interested in 60 year olds. I was thrilled to be noticed and complimented
  • It was a two sided amazing attraction. How often does that happen?
  • How many guys are really out there that I like at all, let alone LOVE?
  • He’s changed I told myself.
  • He really means it this time.
  • We are meant to be together.

And do you really want to throw up?

  • God gave us this attraction so that we could do great things together

OK, don’t laugh. Maybe you have done things that you are questioning now.

Maybe you have wanted unavailable men that talked a good game.

Maybe you believed someone that you shouldn’t have.

Why am I still talking about this?

Because I am sharing, saying what I definitely don’t think I should still be talking about, and not resisting my experience.

The sad part is: part of me is sad that it didn’t work. That’s the part I am allowing myself to feel. The disappointment and the infuriation and the frustration.

So I can move to the next space. And grow from my experience.

I’m not really beating myself up for this, believe it or not.

I’m just sad that it wasn’t real life. It was just a wonderful fantasy.

Back to real life – AGAIN.

It’s not so bad. It’s pretty good, in fact.

I have a lot to be grateful for.

Thanks for listening. (Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be over this and have something new to talk about)!

The Universe Rescuing Me

I am at my mom’s so not recording a video. I feel self-conscious talking here, plus, she is on the phone talking loud so it wouldn’t really work.

I am not complaining, (or am I?), I am merely stating the facts.

My mom just turned 90 and is a remarkable woman as I have said before. She still plays tennis, does pilates, plays in the symphony, and is an elected official.

And lately her memory is getting worse. And her judgement. So we have a woman who now stays with her. I am here tonight because the woman was off and is coming tomorrow. My sister was here but needed to get home tonight so asked me to stay.

In my mind I was calling it babysitting until I realized is not a complimentary term for such a vital woman.

BACK TO YESTERDAY’s TOPIC:

I keep thinking about what happened on Sunday. My phone literally stopped receiving calls for about 4 hours.

After not receiving a call at the agreed upon time from my “friend,” (I will call him Larry), I got anxious. By the next morning, having not heard from him, I was in a state.

I called Larry on Monday morning at his other job.

“What happened? Why didn’t you all?”

“I tried you 4 times. I figured you were having fun with your family.”

“I left early so I wouldn’t miss your call. I was really looking forward to talking to you.”

“Well, I tried you.”

At that time I didn’t know my phone was not working.

The weird thing was that I had called him at his other job that day when I didn’t get his call. The message literally said it was not taking calls from MY NUMBER. I called it twice with the same message. That was strange in retrospect. It’s a public number.

Some background:

Larry is not available. That’s why I couldn’t call his cell phone. He had returned to me after 4 years calling me the love of his life.

I fell for his wonderful words. I believed his promises.

Sort of. My instincts knew this wasn’t good. My instincts knew once again I was falling for a “GREAT TALKER” who’s actions did not match his words.

I hated not being able to call him, see him or talk to him freely.

But a part of me felt that we were “meant to be, soul mates, and had a special connection, ” so I told myself I could be patient, that this could work, etc.

Monday morning, however, I realized that I hated the way I was feeling. I was anxious, feeling like I was the crazy one, and not able to focus on being productive.

“I CAN’T LIVE THIS WAY,” came screaming out of my mouth. “I know you tried, but I was checking the news and seeing if there were fires and I spent the night crazy and awake because I couldn’t just call you to see if you were ok and find out what happened. It doesn’t matter that you tried. I CAN’T DO THIS.”

“OK, then that’s it. I’ll call you when I’m free and see if you’re available. I don’t want you to have to get like this.”

And that was it.

I keep thinking that the universe orchestrated all this. So I would get myself into that crazy state. I hate feeling that way. I feel out of control, desperate, pathetic, and horrible.

I know that I am healthier, more peaceful, more productive, and freer without him in my life.

It’s quite amazing.

I do miss the fantasy. But I don’t miss the anxiety. The waiting. The stress of missing his calls or being late for our meetings. I hated not being able to call. I hated that I had said I would not spend time with unavailable men. And then I did, kidding myself once again.

I know I shared about this yesterday as well, but I’ve had more time to sort it through.

“I thought I was the love of your life?” I asked him before hanging up.

“You are,” he said without hesitating.

My brain says that he should have fought for me. He should have then worked it out so it worked.

My gut says that somehow in his mind this is all fine. He doesn’t mind the wait.

And that’s the problem. It’s not fine with me.

And that’s a fact.

I am sharing, saying what I don’t think I should say, and not resisting my sadness and disappointment.

That’s the game, folks. Exploring freedom.

Thanks for listening.

I'm Not Good at Waiting

Still waiting for the cable people – can you hear me screaming?

I am not good at waiting……..

I am trying to accept myself for my lack of patience.

As I said in the video, I am trying to have Mindful Self-Compassion. Speaking of which, this was a blog that was included in an eletter sent out by the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. Their website is: https://centerformsc.org/ in case you want to check them out. It is a wonderful non-profit organization.

The Second Piece of French Toast: a book about a personal self-compassion journey
By: Hilary Burns

For 16 years, I blamed myself for not having the kind of marriage I had dreamed of. I knew that if I just lost the weight I had gained, everything would be fine.
The problem was, when I finally lost the weight, I still wasn’t happy. Over the next couple of years I used self-compassion to create a new life. I stopped thinking like a victim, and honestly identified the issues in my marriage. I saw which issues I could control, and which ones I couldn’t. I stopped feeling hopeless and looked at what I could take actions on. I forgave myself for how things had turned out. I stopped waiting for my husband to change so I could be happy.

I started being kinder to myself, remembering my strengths and past accomplishments. I took control of my finances. I started doing things that brought me joy: Zumba, step class, reading, and seeing friends again. I did a triathlon and joined communities where I was loved and respected.
I returned to a life I loved by remembering who I was.
I am proud of what I have accomplished, and it inspired me to share my self-compassionate journey in a book, “The Second Piece of French Toast: If marriage was my dream, why was I numbing myself? ” It is available on Amazon. You can also find links to my blog and YouTube channel on my web site, where I share my continuing exploration into how to have self-compassion and create powerful lives that we love.

BACK TO ME:

When I don’t think I should be a certain way or think a certain way or look a certain way, I can sometimes get into a downward spiral of thinking into the “left” side of life. I have discovered many ways to get back to the “right” side again. That’s what I write and blog and record about.

Sometimes it’s easy to get out and sometimes it’s hard.

My newest thing is to not resist what I am feeling. I am going to try to not resist how I am feeling right now – I feel like I’m going to explode and my body hurts……….be right back……….

OK, I just allowed myself to cry. Really loud with body wracking sobs. It felt good. I feel exhausted, but much freer. I am using my negativity to hopefully inspire others. Share, say what can’t be said, and don’t resist your experience. These are my tools for my exploration into creating a life you love – out here in conversation.

BACK TO ME – MORE THOUGHTS:

I really loved the fantasy I was living for the last 4 weeks. You’ll have to watch the video to hear more about it.

My instincts were screaming and I was completely feeling nutso. As you can see if you read my book, fantasies are one of the ways I numb myself. Enter a fantasy and live there for a while, even if it’s not real. I can really experience happiness that way. It’s fun, but eventually, I crash back into the real world when I see I am kidding myself. Like I did this morning.

It’s been a frustrating and emotional day. Hope yours was more peaceful.

Thanks for listening.

How I Turned Confusion into Fun!

I had the best time doing this!

I can’t believe what I did!! You’ll have to watch to find out.

By the way, my boss said he would do the presentation tomorrow after I begged him via text and PLEASE emojis. I was afraid I wouldn’t sleep again tonight if I knew I had to do it.

This really worked, folks!!! You’ve got to try it.

That’s all I’ll say.

Have a good night.

Thanks for listening.

Maybe We are All Great

Bad eye bags and wrinkles but a good recording

I got to something really profound by sharing and saying what I’ve never said before.

Very cool

Gotta go. I’m looking at a house. My landlord’s nephew is now in charge. My landlord is 92 and was very very nice to me. The niece and nephew have raised the rent and said I have to leave for two months in the summer instead of one. Not as good even though I love this place.

My friend found a house for sale in her neighborhood. I’m going to look at it. Why the f—k not? Good to hedge my bets.

Thanks for listening. Have a great Sunday.

Using the Tools and Breaking Through

It wasn’t about the book, but the other two choices of pictures were heinous!!!

Well, it was hell going through it, but I finally broke through.

The video describes the process.

I literally thought I would never get out of my funk.

I was ashamed of the way I was feeling. It was “just the way I get” that no one needed to see or know about. The thing I hide. I really thought there was something wrong with me. And I didn’t want anyone to know.

But I couldn’t take it anymore.

I finally started talking on a call with my coach.

He was great. I told him “what happens” to me.

“I think there is really something wrong with me………” I describe it in the video so I won’t repeat the rest.

“What do you see now?”

I got through it, got it out, cried, and now I AM FREE!!!!!

It wasn’t fun, but …… finally not resisting it, sharing about it, and saying what I was ashamed to say brought me through the electronic fence to the other side. I’m using my exploration on myself. I have to say it REALLY WORKS to create freedom!!!!

It only took me 58 years to talk about this. Maybe next time it will take a few years less!!!!

Hallelujah!!!

I am drinking my wine and enjoying my life!!!

Have a great night.

Thanks for listening.