A Long Fun – Momentous Day

I just uploaded my book to be published. Hallelujah!! It’s taken SEVEN YEARS!!!!

Can you say it’s done? you might ask.

That would be a NO!!! It takes 1-2 days to check the files.

OMG. Will this ever ACTUALLY HAPPEN?

I don’t know, honestly.

I am certainly stretching my non-existence patience on this one.

BUT I DO have a cover (file). AND I have a book (file). WOWOWOWOW!!!

Finally uploaded files for book to be published – WOWOWOWOW!!

This is a long video. I got sad about my mom. We have a woman who has moved in today (at least for this week) to take care of her.

“I didn’t think she was coming today,” my mom said. “I’m not ready.”

My mom looked so sad when I left there. It is breaking my heart. I guess I will just keep crying until I am done.

Sometimes my mom seems fine. And sometimes she forgets stuff.

On another note: Tomorrow I leave for Mexico. If the snow stops by then.

Trying not to worry about it. AND, I have to get packed and go back down to Westport so I can leave at 3:00 AM to catch my 7:00 AM flight.

I dislike the stress and I dislike flying and packing, etc.

When I get there, however, I will be at the pool reading my book. With a drink. So don’t feel too sorry for me.

OK, gotta get packing. Have a great week if I don’t talk to ya’all.

Thanks, as always, for listening.

Empowering Context?

Sometimes it’s hard for me to create an empowering context.

Sometimes I just need to be miserable.

I’m admitting it.

Today I cried all the way home after gaining two pounds this week. I was heaving. I could barely see as I drove. I could barely breathe.

And then I was done. It was a miracle. I was fine after allowing myself to FEEL MY FEELINGS!!!!

AND THEN I could create an empowering context.

NOT BEFORE.

A good lesson for me. I was making myself wrong for being upset which is NOT NEW!! I did it. And then I was done.

Here’s another crazy video. If these are stupid, please let me know. I’m in one of those insecure modes where I think I should stop EVERYTHING I AM DOING!!

I’m also ready to pick my book cover. VERY EXCITING AND SCARY!

OK, here’s the video. I come out of the closet with an admission. You won’t believe it.

MY CONFESSION – UNBELIEVABLE!!! HOPE YOU FIND IT AMUSING – IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY!!!

OK, gotta go get back to work.

Thanks for your feedback. Have a great day!!!

Not in the Mood

I’m not in the mood to do a video.

So I’m not.

I’m disturbed by something……..I know, not new, is it? I seem to always be disturbed.

Well,………………..I’m just going to accept that part of me, ok?

OK. then.

Today’s disturbance:

I was feeling very resigned today. So I called my seminar leader. Our homework for this week is to notice empty and meaningless in an area of our lives where we don’t experience freedom.

That was easy – relationships, especially men. Lots of meaning and body sensations with that one.

After yesterday, I was just……how do you call it?

FUCKED UP!!!

I don’t know how much you know from yesterday:

  • I went to meet a guy who said he’d be in New Haven at 2:00 at a restaurant
  • He wasn’t there.
  • I drove a half hour there and back in the pouring rain for nothing, nada………..
  • And I was MAD!!!
  • On the way home, I noticed a message from the guy who disappeared after supposedly meeting – he left and that was the last I heard of him
  • “Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family”
  • Are you kidding me?
  • As if nothing had happened
  • I felt like I was insane. Maybe I’m the crazy one? IS IT ME?

NOTE: the one that wasn’t there apologized. I had thanked him for wasting my time.

He was very sorry. He didn’t show because it wasn’t “confirmed.”

“Well, why did you say you would be there? I thought you were going anyway!!!!!! I was disturbed and disappointed.” I told him.

He said that this time he will drive all the way down to see me. It’s supposed to be tomorrow. We will see. I’m not going unless “he confirms.” I am willing to go the 100 yards.

The other one I am ignoring.

But anyway, my seminar leader, I will call him Amos, started asking me questions when we finally connected on the phone.

“Do you know what kind of person you are looking for?”

“Yes.” I described him.

“Do you think you can actually find him and have a relationship?”

I thought about it. “I’d like to, but NO, not really.”

I listed the reasons why. No need to go down that tunnel here.

What we determined was that I am defensive. They will just fuck me over so I’ll get rid of them first. Easier that way. No disappointment or pain. Adios, sucker!!!!

I am defensive, ok? And I can tell you why I am. I AM JUSTIFIED!

But that’s not our homework. Justifying is not it.

My homework is to own it, notice it, be with it, and possibly, create a new way of being.

We will see. I don’t like this.

I really don’t want to get vulnerable and hurt again. Who would?

Shouldn’t I protect myself? Shouldn’t I guard against pain, disappointment and hurt?

OK – don’t answer that.

If I want to stay safe and alone it’s a great way to be. No one can hurt me if I stay home – ALONE!

But is that what I really want? NO, NOT REALLY!!

And I hate that.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

I think I need a nap.

……………………………………………………………………………..

OK, I shouldn’t even press publish on this one. I hate this whole thing. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I have a stomach ache just thinking about it.

I will sleep on it.

Thanks and goodnight.

——————————————————

OK – LATER – I am modifying this –

What can I create instead of something is wrong and I am fucked?

Let’s see: Life is an adventure. This is the way it looks when life is working.

Freedom and peace. Focusing on what I like.

I am perfect the way I am.

————————————————————


For starters. Thanks for listening AGAIN.

Crazy But Having Fun

I just recorded a ten minute video. It was fun to just let ‘er loose!!

I may have a date today. Not sure. He wanted to meet me at 2:00 and I suggested 3:00 and haven’t heard back. We will see. I had to go and confuse things so now I don’t know what to do. I guess I could show at 2:00. I will see.

I am developing patience (in theory) with these book covers. I can see that I get a little crazy/wishywashy.

When I don’t hear back immediately, I create plan B. Then I create plan C. So I have a bunch of people working on it. Then I feel bad and they are confused.

But in actuality, I think it’s better than waiting four months for the two people who never came through and I end up with nothing. Or is it?

That is the crazy part. Doubting every freaking thing I do. Here are the facts:

  • I have Steve, my formatting guy from Australia, who bowed out when he found out I had contacted the other people. Honestly, his designs were nice, but not what I was looking for.
  • I have the 99Design people. There is one who is responding quickly and I hope I like what she sends me next. There are about 9 others who submitted stuff but it was not what I was asking for.
  • Then I have the guy in Texas who I had asked if he could do the cover a month ago. Then my daughter was going to do it so I didn’t need him. Then she didn’t do it, or my next friend, so Friday I needed him. Then I told him I didn’t. Then, all night when I couldn’t sleep I decided to email him to see if he is willing to do it today and can we talk? I haven’t heard anything back.
  • I don’t blame him for not responding. I would have had enough of my indecision/craziness quite frankly. Push and pull, etc.
  • So, at this point, I am going to hope that the one active 99Design person can create what I am looking for in the shape I need and the right specs. I am praying about it because I hate not knowing.
  • I DON’T LIKE WAITING!!!! I LIKE TO GET THINGS DONE!!!! THIS IS TORTURE!!!

OK, I said it. I think my mother has all the patience for the next 5 generations of us and I HAVE NONE. (Yes, I’m yelling).

The other thing: I’ve been letting loose with is how I feel instead of being nice. It is cathartic I have to say. It creates a mess but then I let them talk and we end up connected. It’s scary but way more fun than keeping it all in. And we end up closer because the resentment and distance disappears.

I’m going to submit my poster now for the conference for global transformation. Get that done.

I also need to manifest a bunch of money this next month. I am putting that out there instead of worrying, being stressed, and thinking I am a total ass hole for not hitting my numbers and getting my bonuses. Having more money is way more fun than having less. Just saying………

And, now that I think about it, even when I had it, I was still stressed about something or other so I guess the grass is always greener in my mind. There is always something. If it’s not money, it’s my weight. If my weight is good (hasn’t been in a few years), then I can always bemoan that I don’t have a relationship. There is always something I can be upset about. It’s automatic, unfortunately. Good to see this (again).

Fran, (my late friend), and I used to have contests unknowingly. We would talk about our days. The one with the worst day was the unofficial winner. The thing was that we had fun doing it. We would make the stories funny. It was whining with humor. That would be a good name for a show, wouldn’t it? Whining with Humor. I kind of like that.

We’ll call this – sharing with humor – the path to freedom

NOTE: The computer gives you three “thumbnails” to pick from. This picture is the best of the three believe it or not. Sad, but true.

Oh, here’s another thing. On my 99Design book cover contest I said the book would be featured on Oprah. I am manifesting that. I hope I can’t get sued for saying that. It has gotten a bunch of responses so I guess it worked. I will have to manifest her calling me to be on her show. You heard it here, folks!!!

OK, better get in the shower in case I have a date.

Enjoy your Sunday. Thanks for listening.

What a Shift from Yesterday

Miracles!

After suffering over this damn cover, I now have 8 cover designs to choose from. Unbelievable.

There are two that are in the running. I asked for a couple of changes so I am waiting to see those. It may be done by tomorrow. WOW! Unreal!

I am really enjoying my 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It is so relaxing. Listening to the waves and working on my puzzle. Who needs tv? I know I’m weird, but I rarely think of putting on the tv. Unless I’m home alone on a Friday or Saturday. Then I’m all about the Hallmark channel.

I recorded video #50. I thought when I reached #50 that I would post it in a public place – Facebook or something, but I’m a little fwightened. (Intentional misspelling). A little gunshy.

Maybe I’ll wait until my book is out. Then I will go live with a video about that. That’s a great idea!! (And a way to postpone.)

Just got a call from my daughter. She wants to go to Montreal with this new guy that I’m having trouble adjusting to.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. So much for being real. I just said, “ok,” in a fake voice. She is over 18 so she can do what she wants, right? What am I supposed to say?

OK, I have to go be with this. Thanks for listening and have a great night.

[OMG – I just went to copy the video to here and I realized I posted an old video. It had no sound. And two people had clicked on it. OOPSIE!! Well, here is the one I actually recorded today.

It’s good to make mistakes, right? Or not…………..]

This is the right video. Now I have to choose a design. A great problem!!!

Straight Works

I’m still listening to my work call.

I went first. I said I was embarrassed, but these were the facts. I gave them my numbers.

My boss’s boss said it’s way more fun when I am on the FAME train. I told him I agreed. But he wasn’t bad and didn’t make me feel worse for my lack of success. So that is good.

He said, do a third of my number in FAME in December, and I will be trending in the right direction.

I feel much better than I have since June about work. I probably should have talked to him earlier so I didn’t have to be this:

  • embarrassed
  • defeated
  • depressed
  • resigned
  • frustrated

for the last 4 months. It wasn’t fun.

OK, some one who is talking now just quoted me. I told them on the call that I am passionate about our cancer insurance since so many of my inner circle (8 people) have been diagnosed in the past few years. Young and old alike.

When my very good friend (after being diagnosed), asked me how she was going to pay her bills if she couldn’t work, I wanted to kick myself.

I never made sure that I educated her and her boss on our products. Our cancer plan’s average claim is $50,000. That would have given her peace and the ability to pay her bills in that event. And our disability would have replaced her income.

I was ashamed at my lack of courage and how I let my fear of “bothering her” hold me back from sharing what I do.

Since then, I tell accounts I need to educate their people. I need to let them know about our cancer and disability plans.

If they say no after being educated, then it’s on them. If I don’t educate them, it’s on us (me and the account). And shame on us.

So when Mike (one of my peers), just said he was going to steal what I said because he loved the idea, I felt validated.

Wow! I have some value. I have a brain. I have good ideas. My whole body is relaxing. I am sitting up straighter.

Unreal. It’s such a difference in how I feel about my capabilities and future. From one little comment. Unreal.

And I was dreading this call…. Who knew?

OK, gotta go as usual.

Have a great night.

Thanks for listening.