Haven’t Written In A While

I have not written a blog entry in a while because I now focus my efforts on my newsletter. If you haven’t subscribed to that, you can do so at http://www.gettingrealwithhilary.com.

I am writing today since it’s the middle of the week and I find myself in a terrible, whiny bitchy mood.

My new thing is to allow myself to be however I am. But it still seems wrong. After all:

  • things could be worse
  • I should be grateful to have the life I had
  • I am healthy
  • I am alive
  • I have a wonderful family
  • blah, blah, blah

So why am I in a bad mood? OK, here goes:

  • I hurt my back and it’s uncomfortable
  • It’s really hot out and I’m sweating even inside in the air conditioner
  • I had an appointment with my book angel and she wasn’t available at that time, didn’t let me know, said she’d be available in an hour, and that was 2 hours ago. I AM ANNOYED!
  • I looked in the mirror and I look disgusting (not a new thing)
  • I was at my 45th high school reunion and there was a cute guy that acted like he liked me for about an hour and then disappeared – Friday and Saturday nights – WTF?
  • I was so happy for those hours – now I feel like the world sucks again
  • I know I am on the left side of life – that’s what I am writing my second book about
  • But my techniques are not working – I am STILL ON THE LEFT!!
  • I just took vitamin B and it’s not working!!
  • OK, technique #503 – just be 1000 times more miserable – I forgot that one
  • OK – thanks, I’ll do that one. I’m going to go curl up in a ball and whine.

Oh, the book angel is ready. Gotta go. Thanks for listening.

Brain Scramble

My son sent me a podcast by text with the message:

“This is amazing.”

It’s called 11 Steps to Better Brain Health and Success in Life with Dr. Daniel Amen.

“This is amazing” my son said. Given my Mom’s dementia, I decided to listen.”

I started listening in my car. It was amazing. I look forward to finishing it.

I am now sitting in my home, drinking my cup of coffee, and feeling the need to write so I can get some freedom.

What’s the problem?

I’ve only been through a few of the 11 steps on his podcast and I don’t like what I’m hearing:

  • caffeine – drinking a cup of Java right now – there’s a big pot of coffee creaking on the warmer right now, reminding me there is more to drink
  • alcohol – right now I’m not drinking because I’m following a 90 day program so I don’t feel bad currently about this one but I’m concerned about when I do go back to drinking
  • exercise – I’m good with this one – I do it every day

I know I have the incredible ability to turn education/comments/anything into a way to feel bad. Isn’t that a wonderful talent?

A big screaming “NO!!!”

I am writing this blog so that I can use the information I heard today in a more useful way.

My grandmother had dementia and my mom has dementia. My mom drinks coffee. My dad also drank coffee. He did not have dementia. He died with his faculties intact. So it’s not a direct causal relationship. Conclusion: Not everyone who drinks coffee gets dementia.

Here’s where the fear came in: In the past few months I have not been able to think of a word. Maybe about 3 times. But it scared the crap out of me.

Tom Ferry, the interviewer, had 4 major concussions and also noticed that he couldn’t come up with words. Daniel Amen fixed his brain. He is now fine.

I will continue to listen. I will pass on the podcast to my siblings since we all have the same mother.

I also learned that brain cells don’t age. What causes the problem is the blood flow. When the blood flow decreases, it can cause problems.

I can taper off my coffee. I don’t know if decaf is any better, but I can research it.

I can keep learning, not panic, and enjoy my freaking cup of coffee.

Please pass this podcast on to anyone you know who is concerned about their brain health.

Thanks for listening.

Pre-Vacation Jitters

I know I SHOULD be excited to go away, and I am, but it’s underneath a bunch of worries. For me, if I get them out, I can laugh about them and then get on with the FUN.

So here they are:

  • I seem extra heavy in the body/weight – what happened was I saw a picture of myself yesterday and my brain went crazy telling me that I’m kidding myself to think I look good – YOU ARE A BEAST! It tells me. I will have to eventually let that go. I am only 1.4 pounds higher than 2 weeks ago. If I am a beast now, I was a beast then so I might as well enjoy my BEASTHOOD in all it’s glory.
  • My hairdresser had COVID and so I have roots that are almost the size of COVID roots. Nothing I can do about it. Maybe I will only talk to short people so they can’t see the top of my head. Good plan.
  • My teeth are bothering me. The 3 bottom ones turned brown and my teeth feel disgusting. A miracle: in an hour they are squeezing me in at the dentist for a cleaning. I begged. If I didn’t get one today, they don’t have anything until the end of March which was WAY TOO LONG.
  • I finally got my nails done this week. I said it didn’t matter if I did them, but I was wrong. They are very short since I cut the crap out of them when I didn’t have a manicure, but at least they are not an EXTRA source of shame.
  • Clothes – why do I get crazy about clothes when I go away? I know what I like to wear. Just bring THOSE. Also, my daughter, who I’m visiting, says I don’t have to impress anyone. So that’s good. Like I can just let my stomach hang out and know one will care? We will see about that one.
  • Liquids – 3 ounces? that’s the size of a regular suntan lotion. I’m going to see if I can get it through security. It also said in a clear bag so I think I have to take them out of my black one and put them in a plastic clear bag. OY VAY!! Who made up these rules?
  • Mask – UGH! For 5 hours? I guess other people do it so I can too.
  • Books – I need books. I have been auditioning them so I don’t bring a dud. That’s just the way it is. I love to read good stuff.
  • Work – already I am doing less today. I think that’s wrong. But it’s vacation. So, learn to relax, dear, that’s what it’s all about.
  • My 2nd Book – I paid money to this guy who runs the WOW book club. I really wasn’t going to write another book. He said the first didn’t work since it was a memoir. People only want to read about famous people. Thanks alot, dude. So, I’m writing another one that’s not a memoir (sort of) because I do love to write. I will do it on the plane. That is not technically work.
  • My podcast – I will let that alone for now. If I want to interview someone while I’m away, fine. If not, I won’t. I’ll revisit when I’m back. I am putting it on my list. And, I can be aware of inspirational people that I can ask to be on my podcast at all times.
  • Completions – I was upset with 3 people. One called yesterday. One I talked to Tuesday. One I sent an email to this morning. So, yay for freedom.
  • FUN and CONTRIBUTION – Once I get there, I will be there for my daughter. If I have to communicate to get out of my head, I will. Then I will return to taking care of her. I even took out extra cash which is a miracle for tight wadded me so we can just be crazy.

OK, I think that’s it. I have to go brush and floss for my dentist appointment. I am pretty much packed except for my carry on/purse. I think it is so big it will count as a second carry on, but that is something I will sort out at the airport with my MASK ON.

Thanks for listening and I will HAVE A GREAT TRIP!!! Whether I like it or not!!!

First Podcast Released Today

My very first Podcast: So Exciting!

Above is my very first podcast. I recorded it and then it was produced by some other people. I’m not wild about how it looks, but I listened to it and was blown away by our conversation.

John Stack, my guest, has an amazing, riveting story. Grab your tissues and take a listen.

That being said, I am excited and nervous about podcasting. It’s new so:

  • I don’t know how
  • I want it to be great without having to be bad
  • I don’t know how much money I have to invest in order to get it back
  • Producing more will cost money if I want them to be good
  • I am in the inquiry and don’t have to know the right answer yet
  • I love having conversations with people that make a difference

OK, that’s all for now. Time to get back to/start working and it’s 3:08 PM in the afternoon. Oh well, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. (I actually have done ‘some’ work so don’t tell anyone I haven’t done ANY – they are already accusing me of having other things I am working on – OOPS!)

Thanks for listening. Let me know what you think of the podcast. It’s about awareness and this is a topic that is the difference between life and death. Seriously.

Feeling Fat! A New Path to Freedom!

This morning I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror while I was about to walk outside.

“OMG – I AM SO FAT!” I thought. “Holy shit. What happened to me? Is that my profile? It’s enormous! Look at my fat face!!! OMG!!! HELP!!”

I tried to calm myself down but I couldn’t. “No wonder why I’m alone. No wonder my life looks like hell right now. I should be put out of my misery……” and on and on. My brain went crazy.

I was listening to a call at the same time. A woman was grieving the death of her mother last week. A light bulb went off and tears came to my eyes.

I am just sad. It’s easier to call myself fat than to deal with the reality of certain situations.

My mom has dementia. She is 91. And, sometimes I am sad that life looks this way. This week, her caregiver of 2 years quit with 1 day’s notice. It was a shock and my sister is scrambling to find someone new to take care of my mother.

Trying to tell myself to be grateful that we still have my mom, getting mad at the caregiver, and getting mad at myself for being fat just don’t create any freedom.

The only thing that works is to allow my sadness. To use my “fat hijack” as an indicator that something is going on. To tune into the sadness and just cry. It only lasts a few seconds when it is the pure emotion. It is followed by calmness and peace. And I can love myself again.

Who knew that feeling fat could be a new pathway to freedom? I certainly didn’t.

Thanks for listening.

Having Life Work – Sorting Through the Crap

Sometimes I have a hard time making decisions.

I think I need to keep everyone happy.

If there’s something I want to do that I think will:

  • upset someone
  • make me feel like a “bad girl”
  • have me have to justify my actions
  • have me have to defend my actions
  • inconvenience someone
  • etc.

I torture myself with the decision.

Here’s my latest:

For 2 hours on Saturday I have a conflict. I am supposed to be in two courses at the same time.

I can make up the two hours for both in different ways: one I can make up by watching a recording and the other I can make up at another live weekend.

I am choosing to go to the first one instead of having to watch a recording. I will make up the two hours of the second one during another live weekend.

Why?

I don’t like to listen to recordings. I like to be in live courses where I can share and speak. This way I can be in two live courses instead of one live and one recording.

So that’s what I am going to do. Because I can make my life work the way I want it to.

Thank you. I was torn and having trouble sorting out WHY I chose that one and vacillating for 5 days over which way to do it.

I am just going to CHOOSE and stick with my decision.

And, I’m not a bad girl, getting anyone upset, having to defend or justify my actions, or inconveniencing anyone. Phew!

Thanks for listening.

Looking for Freedom from the Crazy Travelling Nut Case

I am going on a vacation. I already wrote a newsletter about this and yet…

Still not free…

Talked to my son about the packing.

“Just bring what you love.”

“I’m afraid I won’t have what I need. That somehow if I bring everything I own I will be ok down there. I get nervous travelling. I don’t know why. HELP!!!!”

“I understand. I used to do the same thing. Now, I don’t. I have a great bag and everything fits and life is easier. I travel a lot and my life works.”

“OK, I will take everything out and only put back in what I wear here.”

I tried on some work out pants in case I could wear them on the plane. They were uncomfortable. I took them out and put them back in the closet. I took out a bunch of stuff that I really don’t need – extra work out pants, bras, underwear, shirts and shoes.

I undid the second bag and incorporated everything into the first. Instead of a whole bag of nuts, I took 3 little bags. I checked and they are 9 points. Way too much. Now they are just for emergencies.

I talked to my daughter. “You only need one pair of sneakers.”

“NOOOOOOO.” I screamed.

“You can only wear one pair at a time.”

“You’re killing me,” I said.

“And wear those on the plane with your jacket.”

“FINE.” I said, pouting.

I’ve been telling myself for years that I have “Packers’s Disease.” There’s nothing I can do about it. I just keep filling the bag until I run out of time.

Well, what if I listen to my kids and just say: “I’m a smart packer. I know how to dress. I know how to pack. I love myself. I love my life. I am calm and looking forward to my vacation.”

That would replace: “HELP. They are going to know I’m crazy. I don’t know what I’m doing. My mother told me I have no taste and my daughter tells me I dress like a dyke.) I can’t trust myself. No one can ever love me because I have ISSUES!” (No offense to dykes, it’s just that it wasn’t the look I was going for.”

OK, I am down to one bag. I do wear MOST of what it is in there. I don’t need 7 bras. I will make do with flip flops, sandals and sneakers.

I am feeling calmer.

Thanks for listening.

From Stupid to Courageous in Seconds

I was definitely stuck. And frustrated and mad.

I thought my course was going to have generated enough income to cover my investment in the year since we started, and as of last week, it HAD NOT.

I was pissed.

And was told I had a negative attitude which got me even madder.

I wrote about this last week. Instead of calling myself stupid, I decided I would replace stupid with “smart, courageous and brave.”

Since that day the world has opened up. Instead of putting out energy for being right about how stupid I am, I started putting out a vibrant energy of creativity and freedom.

Here are the miracles:

  • my paper and workshop were accepted for the conference for global transformation
  • I am speaking at a conference on the Gift of Healing next week
  • I am writing an article for a company that has 19,000 subscribers to their newsletter
  • I am being interviewed for 2 podcasts

I can barely keep up with it all. It is very exciting.

In looking at the steps that created my freedom, I see the following:

  • Uncover – I had to first uncover what had me be stuck – until I saw I was calling myself stupid and being right about it, nothing was going to change
  • Forgiveness – I had to forgive myself for doing that – I had to accept myself exactly how I am and stop making myself and the situation wrong in order to move forward
  • Create a new context – I decided to call myself, smart, courageous and brave for taking on the course, my commitment for the world, podcasting, YouTube, instagram, etc. “Most people would not be doing this,” I was told. “You are courageous.” That put me in a new energy and vibration

I think there are other factors, as well, but these are the ones I’m looking at right now.

Anything you see? I am open for suggestions. These will become the pillars for my podcast:

Podcast Name (right now): “Get Real and Get Free.”

Mission Statement: All people are free to create lives they love

Problem: People get stuck in their thoughts, paradigms, and contexts

Solutions: Uncover, Forgive, and Create a New Context

That’s it for now. Let me know what you think and if I’m missing something.

Thanks for listening.

PS I almost called the podcast: From the Loser Left to the Light Right but decided that was a little too negative. I was in a bad mood when I thought that one up!! Can you tell?

It Won’t Work If You’re Negative

“This will not work if you’re negative,” my marketing guy, I will call him Stan, said.

“Well, I’m just disappointed,” I said. “I paid you alot of money and this isn’t working.”

“We have not given up helping you,” Stan said. “And we are not charging you additional money.”

I stopped listening while he kept talking………

“We’ve gone over this before. If you are negative, this won’t work, ……..I told you what to do the last 3 weeks and you haven’t done it…this takes work……being an entrepreneur doesn’t happen over night……….”

I felt like a 5 year old. He wasn’t HEARING ME!! All he was doing was lecturing me. He had the audacity to say they were helping me for FREE. I PAID THEM A LOT OF MONEY LAST YEAR AND THIS HASN’T WORKED!!!

“We told you we would help you be successful. That’s why we work on this every day. We haven’t given up, but if you are going to be negative, we should all stop right now.” He finally finished.

My face was frozen in a scowl. I wanted to tell him to just fucking give the whole thing up and fuck you very much. I just stared into the zoom camera, not willing or able to speak.

I could just say ok. Let’s stop the nonsense. He was calling my bluff. Did I really want to do that? Maybe not.

“You know what it is,” I finally said, voice breaking. “I feel stupid. I really thought this was going to work. I had an unfulfilled expectation that I would be successful, make back my investment, and be making money by now. I’m just REALLY disappointed.”

“We are too. But we are not giving up unless you do. And you need to have a positive attitude,….”

“Can you PLEASE stop telling me to be positive? This is as good as it’s getting right now. I may be different in 5 minutes, but right now this is ALL YOU’RE GETTING!! And please stop saying you are working for free – I PAID YOU A LOT OF MONEY AND I’M DISAPPOINTED.”

Silence on both our parts.

“OK,” I said. “I will give up that I am stupid. It’s familiar. I am telling myself I was stupid for thinking I could do this and now I am being right about how I am stupid. I can give that up.”

“You are actually courageous,” he said.

“Thank you. OK, I will say I am smart, brave and courageous instead of stupid. And I will be positive. I can do this. I will contact 20 of these people a week.”

“How about 25 a week? 5 a day?”

“UGH. OK. I will force myself.”

“Positive…….”

“Fine. I will be positive. Thank you.”

“Sometimes I just need to kick you in the butt.”

“Yes, you do.”

That was that. Now I have to contact 5 potential referral sources a day. My brain is telling me I don’t know how, etc. And, I don’t have to listen to it.

Have a great day and thanks for listening. I am smart, brave and courageous. How are you?

From Blah to Freedom

That’s what I do. Create freedom when I am stuck in the dark place.

I need to create some now.

There is nothing wrong. And yet, my thoughts tell me there is.

  • my back hurts
  • I have a not very attractive cyst on my face
  • my hip hurts
  • I have a call at 6:00 (in 6 minutes)
  • and then a seminar from 7:00-9:30
  • someone told me I should try being gluten free for 3 weeks to see if I stop getting cysts and feel better.

I don’t want to do ANYTHING, especially not eat the delicious bread I bought yesterday.

Here’s what it is:

I think when I don’t want to do something, I’m wrong. I think I “should” want to. It’s that ugly word should again.

Damn it. I thought I got rid of that one.

Well, I think that’s all it is. I should be perky and peppy and pain free and want to do EVERYTHING that’s good for me.

And I don’t.

What I’d like to do is:

  • go to sleep after reading a delightful book
  • numb myself with something like GLUTEN, chips, CHEESE, or alcohol. I was even thinking of taking some tylenol so I could be less in pain.

Here’s my access to freedom instead of sleeping or numbing:

  • stop resisting the discomfort
  • GET INTO IT
  • be 10 times more uncomfortable
  • WHINE
  • FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF
  • MOAN
  • GROAN
  • COMPLAIN
  • experience my experience

OK, that’s good. I am no longer resisting the blahs, and they’ve actually disappeared. It’s a miracle.

OK, just got my call.

I am free.

Thanks for listening.