Not Listening

There are limits to my listening.

I am currently on a work webinar where they are showing us our new improved on-line system. Honestly, it seems more complicated than the one they are “IMPROVING,” so I find myself annoyed.

I stopped following what the girl was showing so I am now officially NOT LISTENING.

On a different and positive note, I have started re-reading two books that I am really excited about:

  • Success Principles by Jack Canfield
  • Artists Way by Julia Cameron

I read them both in the past and they made a profound difference in my life.

I can see that I can’t put them down.

I compare that to the sales books I bought at the beginning of the pandemic. I can’t pick them up. You’d have to PAY me to pick them up and start reading them again. I just DON’T WANT TO.

I find this interesting. I’ve been in sales for 12.5 years. This career has helped me turn my finances around after my divorce, develop a steady renewal income, give me my confidence back in myself, and create a lifestyle that I love.

And, I can’t stand the thought of reading about sales. I love the other books. They are about creating life, unblocking your artistic genius, setting goals, visualizing your dream life, and seeing your success in whatever you’d like to accomplish.

That I find exciting.

I think the universe is telling me something. It’s showing me what my natural interests are and what I enjoy. The pandemic has been a time to reflect. I am taking actions in those areas, that I wouldn’t have had time to take during regular busy, stressed out life.

My vision is that we ALL get to get paid doing what we love and are interested in. And pay people to do the rest. I have started going in that direction.

I haven’t arrived anywhere yet, but I feel like I’m following the flow. While I’d like to KNOW where I’m going, I keep letting that go and TRY to enjoy the exploration and discovery instead. Sometimes I forget that, but when I remember, life is way more fun and pleasurable.

Well, I better get back to my webinar.

Thanks for listening.

I CAN’T STAND IT!

I recorded today’s video trying to work through feeling like I’m about to explode and wanting to numb myself.

Today’s saga:

My mother came home last night. I was “in charge” of her. She didn’t know why Manana, her caregiver, was coming today. (Manana has been with us since December and it’s now July, so it was difficult trying to explain it to her.)

“Do you think I NEED someone to watch me?” she asked me, looking like a confused little girl. “Why can’t YOU stay with me? Why do I need HER? Do you REALLY think I can’t stay home by myself?”

I didn’t know what to say. It broke my heart, but I played the coward instead of answering because I want to:

  • be the good one
  • not say anything to hurt her
  • not tell her that she’s losing it
  • not tell her that it’s not going to get better
  • not wanting to face the facts that she really DOES need someone
  • not want to get her upset

By staying quiet and getting my sister on the phone instead of being honest, I allowed myself to skirt the issue. I RESISTED my experience, wasn’t honest, didn’t speak up, and wasn’t willing to BE REAL. Instead, I tried to tell myself I had no right to be upset:

  • why should I be upset, other people have it worse
  • I’m just being a victim, get a grip and strap some balls on
  • stop being a baby
  • be transformed for God’s sake, GET OVER YOURSELF
  • don’t be upset – there are things to do
  • I’m always upset – T was right – I’m an idiot and there’s something wrong with me
  • why can’t I just be happy like the rest of the world?

It felt like I couldn’t take it anymore, was going to explode, needed to run away, and wanted to numb myself.

When her caregiver FINALLY came this morning and I was able to escape, I fled to my office. On the way, Julius called.

“I FEEL TERRIBLE. I hated looking at that little sad girl’s eyes. How do I tell her?……….” I told him what happened………

“It’s got to be hard,” he said.

“It is,” I said, crying harder.

I had a few good heaving cries, but, miraculously, then I felt ok. The impending explosion was gone. I felt real. I got it out. And then, I could move on. I could focus on creating life instead of just trying to survive and be ok. It was a HUGE lesson for me to learn AGAIN.

Because I know I AM practicing SPEAKING UP. I AM practicing SAYING NO. I AM standing up for myself. And it feels good. Uncomfortable, but good.

And way better than letting people treat me badly or feeling like I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Speaking up is way better than THAT discomfort.

All I can say is it’s progress, folks.

Thanks for listening and have a great day.

Don’t Tell Me To Be Happy

Today I was on a call where we were supposed to say why it was a “Happy Day.”

“Don’t tell me to be happy,” I thought to myself.

I listened to all these pollyanna’s talk about why they were happy. I was getting more and more annoyed. My back hurt, my mother’s coming back today, my kids are fighting with me, and I just couldn’t see anything to be happy about.

“I’m not happy, I’m grouchy,” one of the guys said. “I woke up grouchy and I’m still grouchy.”

THANK YOU, I thought. I’m not the only ass hole, I mean negative one. It actually made me happy to hear that.

I think there are people who are naturally positive and some, like me, who aren’t. I have always thought this was a problem. A silent shame. I didn’t want to admit it.

And here was this guy saying it out loud. Admitting it. Wow!!

Once I allowed myself to NOT be happy, I could actually BE happy. It was a miracle. I noticed the flowers, I felt good about taking the garbage to the dump, and I could see that I could have a great day.

But only because I didn’t make my negativity wrong.

I think I’ve known this, but I forget it. Some lessons I guess I have to learn many times.

So have a great or un-great day.

And don’t tell ME TO BE HAPPY!!!!

Thanks for listening.

Happy Birthday Dad and America

Last Friday I went to the gym for the first time. I have to say it was very UNPLEASANT working out in a mask. I was sweating, couldn’t breathe and concerned every time I pulled my mask up to breathe or take a sip of water that I would get yelled at.

Then, my sister sent me a graph of where it’s worse to get COVID – the gym is one of the worst places. Since I am staying with my 90 year old mother, I decided to just keep working out at home. A friend told me about some equipment I could get that would take the place of the heavy weights and machines I was missing by not going to the gym.

Yesterday I bought some “training cables” to work out with. I was in the zone, using them, feeling my back muscles, imagining the muscles I was building and pleased with myself. Then I put them around my feet to do my lower back. I pulled as hard as I could. WHACK. The hard plastic handles hit me at full force right in the mouth.

“What an ass hole I am,” I thought.

A light bulb went off. I’ve been proving that I’m an ass hole.

“Why?” I wondered. “I guess so I can be right about that there’s something wrong with me.”

And nothing’s wrong, really, besides the usual COVID, mom, children, money, weight concerns that are always ready to torture me at any moment.

I turned around in my mother’s family room. I saw my dad’s happy, smiling face in the photo on the piano.

“What a great photo,” I thought, and burst into tears. Today my dad would have been 96 years old. Happy Birthday Dad. We used to always have a party for him on July 4th. He loved being the center of attention.

“Dad, I miss you. It’s not the same without you. DADDEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

I had a great convulsing cry for about 5 seconds and then I was done. (By the way, I never called him Daddy so I don’t know where that came from).

I guess it’s easier to feel like an ass hole than to realize that my dad is gone forever and my mother is getting worse. By allowing myself to cry, I got present and now I am able to create my life instead of listening to my brain prove how stupid I am.

So, onward and upward. Yesterday I hired someone to help me launch my getting real with Hilary movement. I can use her expertise to answer the questions that I haven’t known the answers to.

It is a step in a positive direction, building a team, and letting someone else with experience do the parts that I don’t know or want to do.

Progress, folks.

Gotta get back to work. Have a great day.

Thanks for listening.

Here’s the video where I talk more about “Being an Ass Hole” in case you are bored. Thumbnail will be developed later:

Hair is better, not a good smile!!!

Just Tired

I am just tired. All I want is to be horizontal in my bed. My body hurts. It’s only 6:27 PM and I think it’s too early to go to sleep.

Or is it? Last night I was in bed by 7:30 PM. And I slept.

I think I am just recovering from the last few weeks. I had stressed myself out about the move – what to bring, would I yell at my mom, what will it be like, can I go to the gym and not get sick, etc.

So many worries…..

And here I am, two days into my two month stay at my mother’s, and it’s been fine. I only brought two pairs of sneakers. That’s my biggest mistake. And I can’t find the sheet that says how many of each vitamin I take.

That’s really it. Pretty amazing. All that energy and exhaustion spent……..

I forgive myself. I did the best I could do. Let it go…………………

I am actually alone at my mother’s this weekend. I took her to New Jersey yesterday to meet my Pennsylvania sister who took her to her house for a few days.

So I’m alone for the first time in a while. I had been enjoying my nice time alone in my beach cottage, but then two months ago, my kids decided to move into my tiny place with me. It was nice, but not the same as having my own space.

I love this. I don’t have to worry about how much noise I make working out in the morning or who’s counting the number of times I pee at night. Am I waking them up? Do they think I’ve got a problem? Did I move the razor in the bathroom? Will anyone know? Will they think I messed with their stuff? And on and on and on……..I know it’s me, but it doesn’t seem like I can help it.

And here’s the big one: I woke up with a sore throat the first morning here. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I was ashamed that I was going to “kill” my mother since someone said it was a symptom of corona. Also my back and neck hurt which apparently were all signs that I WAS INFECTED. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want anyone to know.

The funny thing is (or not so funny), is that as soon as I confessed my sin and pain, it all went away. All of it stopped hurting. When I was hiding the fact that I was “a killer,” I was in pain and it was getting worse. Very interesting.

And now I sit in pain again. I went back to the gym yesterday to try it. I HATED sweating in my mask. I felt like I had on a “zit maker” like when I used to ski. We had these things that went around our mouths and when we were done skiing, our entire chins were broken out. It was not a good look.

Frankly, I’m too old to break out, aren’t I?

And then I played tennis with my son yesterday and today. I haven’t done that in years. I felt like I was walking on knives that were going through my legs. Am I just too old? Too stressed? Or maybe just haven’t played in a while.

So here I sit waiting for it to get late enough to get into bed. Should I make that wrong? Am I too boring? Is this a problem?

Or am I just tired after some stressful and busy weeks. I can allow myself some self-compassion and love and let my body tell me how to take care of ME.

It sounds very la-dee-dah and self-indulgent, but maybe it’s just smart. Where do I think I’m going anyway during Corona? To the bars? I’d probably not be much fun anyway. I’d just be waiting until I could leave and go to sleep. So why bother?

Anyway, enough complaining/venting/musing.

I am still contemplating moving this blog to my web site. But that just doesn’t feel right. I want to start a newsletter with my blogs highlighted, but I feel that the ones I write here are just too personal. Who knows? Food for thought.

Anyway, thanks for listening and have a great 4th of July!!!

Being a Blob

Saturday I was in a course. We were discussing dreams. I got to share.

I was SO EXCITED. I was in the moment and creating life out here. There were no limitations to what is possible. My energy was amazing. Life was my oyster.

Then I got a private chat:

“Hilary, it’s enough. Let someone else share.”

I was stunned. It took the wind out of my sails.

That was on Saturday. Ever since then I’ve been low energy, quiet, and keeping to myself. I’ve been getting things done, but in a “life is fucked” kind of way.

And I internally know that there is something wrong with me.

This is familiar. It’s a reminder of a very young incident when I was excited and things didn’t work out the way I wanted.

I flat-lined. Got quiet. Made myself wrong. Stayed to myself.

And this is my underlying theme;

“You’re stupid for thinking you could have what you wanted. Don’t expect anything anymore. You’ll only be disappointed. You CAN’T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT.”

Here’s the thing. I don’t even know I’m thinking this. I’m just being it. I’m resigned.

Julius asked me what was wrong yesterday.

“Nothing,” I said. “Why?”

“You’re not yourself.”

I didn’t even know. The world just occured as sad. This is it. Nothing good will ever happen. And it’s ok. Not a problem.

But here’s the thing. I tell myself I’m fine, but all I want to do is go eat or drink something. So I know I’m actually NOT fine.

I guess it’s easier to be a blob than to:

  • get that my mom’s not going to get better
  • one day I won’t have her at all
  • I have to move out of my beach cottage
  • I don’t know how it will be staying at my mom’s house
  • what will the caretaker think when I pee multiple times at night?
  • where will I go all day when I need to get out of the house?
  • how will the gym be? will I get corona and infect my mother?
  • is it irresponsible to go to the gym?
  • what shoes should I bring?
  • how many pairs of underwear should I bring?
  • will my mother still tell me I can’t wash whites with colors?
  • will I lose my temper all the time?
  • Am I feeling fat because I’m in a bad mood, or have I gained alot of weight?
  • Why does my back hurt? Is it my fault?

These are just worries. This is just my internal dialogue. I know it’s supposed to torture me and it is. I know I have many choices:

  • I can get off it
  • I can get present
  • I can trust the universe
  • I can just accept myself as is and not think I should be different
  • I can have compassion for my mood

Or, better yet, I can go get myself a drink and just numb myself. I think I’ll CHOOSE THAT!!!

Nothing is wrong. All is well.

Bottoms up!!!!

Thanks for listening.

PS I just talked to a friend. I realize there were 4 things that happened that through me over to the left side. When that happens I flat line and it takes me a while to figure out what happened. We pieced it together and I am BACK. YAY!!

Sometimes it takes a little looking. I’ve reached out to those I need to communicate with and all is WELL. Again, thanks for listening.

Launching a Contest Tomorrow

Tomorrow we are launching a contest on my web site: http://www.gettingrealwithhilary.com.

One of my clients suggested it as a marketing/social media campaign on Monday and boom, 5 days later we are launching it. We got into action and making it happen.

It is very exciting. It is new. I am not stopping to think. I’m not worrying if I’m doing it right. I’m just feeling great about being in action instead of worrying about whether anyone will actually enter the contest.

That is a miracle.

Today I had a miracle as well. I was tired, achey, exhausted, and lethargic. All I wanted to do was lie down. So I did. For about a minute.

Then I got up. There were things I said I would do, and I didn’t feel like doing them. I was going to do them tomorrow.

It was amazing. Once I allowed myself to NOT do them, I was free to do them.

I contacted 20 clients for my work. I just recorded 6 videos and this is my second blog entry.

Guess what?

I feel great. I feel energized, happy and amazing.

I can see that when I am not in action, AND, making myself wrong, it manifests itself in physical ailments. It happened twice during Corona. I really thought I was sick. I felt physically ill until I realized I was making myself wrong for something I had done.

Once I forgave myself, it was a miracle. The symptoms disappeared. It was truly amazing.

I wonder if there are sick people around who don’t have the distinction of making themselves wrong. In their mind they might just BE wrong. I wonder if this tool/technique could help others.

Any thoughts? Have you ever seen this in your own life? I’d love to know.

Thanks for listening and have a great day.

I Miss This Blog – Funky Freedom

Even though I moved my blog to my web site, http://www.gettingrealwithhilary.com, I am writing on this one anyway.

For some reason I feel safer over here.

We are doing a social media blitz for my book and YouTube channel, and there are links to my web site where the new blog is. Typing over there just feels like it’s public and more exposed.

While that doesn’t really make sense, that’s the way it feels. Over here, I feel like I can still kind of hide out, so I can BE REALLY REAL. And that’s funny since my web site and YouTube channel are called “Getting Real with Hilary.” Very ironic.

Also, since I’ve been working with my interns, I think I’ve been trying to “get it right.” I have been more self-conscious and inhibited. Which is totally NOT WHY I LIKE TO DO THESE THINGS.

I like doing them because I can be myself. But, I know that, from time to time, I get some well-meaning advice, pull in, get careful, and eventually stop recording and writing. Because it stops being fun and free.

Tonight I am outing myself. Now I’m BACK!!!

I’m tired of trying to get it right. Today I had one of those days. I was just in a fucked up funk. And, I was making myself wrong for ALL OF IT.

I got into bed early and just lied there feeling pathetic, alone, hopeless and stuck. Here’s what was repeating in my brain very loudly:

“I can’t stand this.” I just wanted to leave the area. Run away. Get away from everything, especially the person I will today call Julius.

Julius was visiting and he didn’t feel well. He said he was leaving.

“I hate when you go,” I said.

“If YOU didn’t feel well, I would tell you to go home and take care of yourself,” he said.

“Well, it’s different for you. That’s not how I feel.”

That conversation stuck in my craw.

I couldn’t stand it. All day I couldn’t stand the way I felt. Finally, tossing and turning I decided to re-enact whatever incident came to me.

“Don’t be upset,” my mother said when I was little.

“Something is wrong with me,” my little brain said. “And I can’t be loved the way I am.”

Tonight in bed, I got to see that I made up the meaning of “don’t be upset.” I really collapsed it. I said it to myself over and over until I could see that all my mom said was “don’t be upset.” She didn’t say the rest, but I’ve been living like it was true. When Julius said what he would do, it triggered the thoughts and I couldn’t stand it. I literally couldn’t stand feeling that way.

I was also suffering over “I can’t have what I want.” I traced that one back to another incident.

I wanted to go to the concert and I didn’t go to the concert – I made that mean “I can’t have what I want.” I suffered over that one today, too. Tonight I could see it didn’t mean anything. I just didn’t go to the concert.

This was amazing to see. I was in such a FUNK because of the meaning I had attached to these events. When I finally just allowed my funk and got to see what I was telling myself and where it originated, I could create freedom.

I wish I had done it 8 hours earlier, but I didn’t. I guess the suffering made it more powerful.

Well, hopefully now I can go to sleep.

Thanks for listening and don’t forget to subscribe to my new location at http://www.gettingrealwithhilary.com.

PROGRESS – PLEASE READ

I am consolidating this blog into my new web site. From now on I will be publishing on “GettingRealwithHilary.com.”

To continue getting notifications, please subscribe on http://www.gettingrealwithhilary.com.

This is in the name of progress. I just posted my first blog there which is pasted below.

Consolidation – Why is That Hard?

Today I am going to move my WordPress blog, CreatingLifeOutHere.com over to my NEW WEB SITE (this one): GettingRealwithHilary.com.

My advisors have told me it’s good to have everything in one place. That’s a good thing. It will be automatically updated, there will be less confusion, and I will be known as Getting Real with Hilary.

And yet, I am sad. I am sad saying goodbye to my WordPress Blog.

Yesterday I made a promise to a friend that if I say the words crazy, insane or weird, I have to pay her a dollar. While my first instinct is to call myself one of those words (the C one), I am not going to. I will share myself instead.

I remember being sad when I got a new car. I didn’t like saying goodbye to my old one. I don’t like saying goodbye to people. Instead I say, “see you later.” I don’t like getting off the phone. Sometimes I prolong the conversation just to avoid it.

I guess I just don’t like saying goodbye. I don’t like the moment of letting go and I avoid it. It kind of hurts. Like someone is peeling my fingers off of something that I don’t want to let go of. Like a little kid holding onto something for dear life while his mother makes him let go.

In my mind, I hear myself screaming, “NO, MOMMY NO. I DON’T WANT TO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” I have no idea where that comes from, but I will inquire in my next private moment. (I’m not going to use the W word here even though I think it is).

It’s really just that moment. Once I’m gone or the person is gone, I’m absolutely fine. I move on without a thought. It’s just that one moment I dislike and try to avoid.

I am going to be curious about it. That’s all.

Also, to acknowledge that my blog has been a comfort and great help to me. I’ve been able to work out feeling stuck, uncomfortable, confused, sad, frustrated, or overwhelmed. I’ve been able to share my journey – publishing my book, Corona, my children, my mom and many other life events. It has helped me create freedom where there hasn’t been any. I don’t know where I would be without it. (Almost like having a great friend that I can say anything to – it doesn’t interrupt, judge or give advice.)

All of that being said, welcome to my new blog home: Getting Real with Hilary. Thank you for following me and, as always, thanks for listening.

BACK TO THIS BLOG:

So, I will post a couple of more times to make sure people know.

Thanks for following me and I hope you will come to my new web site:

http://www.gettingrealwithhilary.com