How I Went From Feeling Bad to Enjoying My Life

So what I saw this week was that I have this list of things📝 that I need to be or have in order to feel okay. 

Here’s what happened:

I had broken up with a gentleman when I saw that the relationship wasn’t serving my best self.  I was so happy🤗,  I felt powerful.  I was standing for my life and what I wanted.  YAY ME!!  I am woman hear me roar, and all that great stuff.

But a couple of seconds later, I heard this little voice saying, “Well, how are you going to find another guy?🤷‍♀️ How are you going to get someone else?” 

“Why do I need someone else?🤷‍♀️ I was just feeling good two seconds ago.” I wondered.  “What the hell happened?”

And I realized I have a list. Because  all of a sudden, all my concerns and considerations were shouting in my head:  “Well, your body’s not okay.❌ You need to lose those five pounds. And look at those wrinkles.👵  You’ll never get another guy.  You’re just not ok.”  My voice said. 

I realized, “Wow, I have a list of how I need to be, to be okay. To not go over to the left side, where nothing’s good, I suck, the world sucks,  and I have no power. I’ve got to look a certain way, my bank account has to be a certain way,💵 I can’t have any credit card balances,💳 or I go down the tubes.”

It was amazing.  I started wondering about it. 

“Who made this list up? I don’t know. Maybe I inherited it. Maybe I made it up. Who knows, but it’s not true. What’s the difference if I have a balance on my credit card in terms of my inherent value? If I gain five pounds, does that mean I should hate myself?😕 What if it’s possible to just love life right now, exactly as it is, and not have to fix myself?😬 Wow!”

That’s what I’ve taken on in the last few days after seeing that little conversation.

 And I’ll tell you what, I don’t always remember it, but I’m practicing it.💯

The list can get triggered by almost anything:  a glimpse in the mirror, or at my bank account, or not seeing a text on my phone.  But now, when I start feeling bad again, I can just remember:

“Wait. That’s the list. Let it go.”👍

So my question to you is, do you have a list❓

Are there certain things that you need to do or have to feel like you’re something? A success,📈 or that you’ve made it, or that you look good? 

Well, just check it out and see, is that really true?👍 Is that really a universal law that these things have to happen before you feel good about yourself? 

I’d be fascinated to find out. Let me know, and tell me if you get any freedom, because I sure did!🙋‍♀️

Check out my course: http://www.gettingunstuckwithhilary.com to learn more tools and techniques for getting free and creating a life you love.

This Is How Not Getting What I Wanted Gave Me A New Life!

The other night, something was supposed to happen that didn’t.  A woman I knew was going to join me on a call and she didn’t. 

In an instant I saw myself get immediately depressed. Even though it wasn’t a huge deal in reality, I went south.  Onto the “other side” as I call it.  I had been happy one moment, got her text, and all of a sudden life sucked and I didn’t know why.  My energy changed, my attitude changed, my body started hurting, and I just wanted to go to sleep or break out the wine, chips and hummus.

I decided, rather than start drinking or escaping to bed, to look at what happened by using the tools in my course, the Getting Unstuck With Hilary program. And this week’s homework was to tell your story. 

I was telling a very familiar story and I kept hearing myself say, very sadly and with a lot of suffering, I can’t have what I want over and over and over again.

I went back to the little incident from when I was two, knowing that’s where it came from. Even though knowing that had never given me any freedom and made no sense, it still kept happening.

Today, using my course technique,  I saw it in a different way for the first time. 

When I was two, I just didn’t get what I wanted.  My brain made up that I can’t EVER have what I want to protect me from being disappointed. That’s the brain’s job. It thinks we’re still in survival from the jungles, but we’re not. 

Today I finally saw it differently.  I just didn’t get what I wanted THAT DAY. Two year olds aren’t supposed to get everything they want.  That’s just life. It doesn’t mean I can’t have what I want for the rest of MY ENTIRE LIFE.

And in that moment, my whole life opened up.   I don’t have to suffer over that anymore. It’s just not TRUE.  It’s just a place I was stuck. 

And now, I’m free to create the life I love, which is my commitment, that we all get to create lives we love. 

Is there a place where you silently suffer and you don’t know why? Well, take a look at it and see if you can create some freedom. 

And if not, you can always go to http://www.GettingUnstuckWithHilary.com and we can get you free together, because it’s really fun.

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What’s The Stigma With Not Being Happy?

Why am I asking?

Because I have a stigma with not being happy.

When I’m not happy, I think there is something REALLY wrong with me. Once I make it wrong, I get stuck in the downward spiral and it really, really sucks. Here’s what I tell myself:

  • No one can love me like this
  • Something is wrong with me that I’m like this
  • I shouldn’t be like this
  • etc.

And then it gets worse by people’s comments:

  • you can’t have this negative energy
  • you need to have positive energy
  • what’s wrong with you.
  • you talk monotone
  • you’re a downer
  • you’re always complaining
  • you’re attracting the negative – it’s your own fault
  • you’re creating your own reality
  • etc.

(OK honestly, I don’t even know if it’s other people saying all this, or if I’m saying it to myself).

Needless to say, it all gets me more stuck. And when I’m stuck, I’m REALLY, REALLY STUCK.

What I can see is that I can be however I am: happy, unhappy, moody, tearful, frustrated and the only stigma is what I AM ADDING. Anyone else can have their opinions and who cares?

There is no ONE WAY to be in the world and if you’re not that way, YOU ARE WRONG. There is no BOOK OF RIGHT WAY TO BE.

The only person I need to be ok with is me. And I can be any way I damn well please.

YAY!

Thank you for listening.

What Do We Want To Prove?

I can see lately that I have been thinking very negatively about myself. And my thoughts have seemed very true until yesterday. Here is an exercise that I did with myself to create something NEW AND EMPOWERING. It has given me a new life instead of the old, poor me context.

I am using 3 arenas of life. These are personal so no judging, please.

WORK ARENA

  • Chronic Thinking: I am bad at sales. I’m not like everyone else. I can’t close. I can’t do it. Something is wrong with me. It’s hopeless and I feel powerless. My sales haven’t been very good lately so they will never be good again. I’m wasting my time. I can’t learn the scripts or improvise like the good sales people.
  • Chronic Evidence: Some days I don’t book an appointment when I’m calling. Some appointments don’t happen. I don’t close every appointment. People are rude when I call. One woman called me a “little abrasive.” (NOTE: I have been using these facts to prove I suck even though this is normal for sales).
  • Interruption: I got a bonus for the first quarter for my performance. I won money in last week’s contest for coming in number 4 in the market. I am the longest standing sales manager in the market.
  • Something new to tell myself: I am doing fine. I don’t give up. If I just keep collecting more no’s, I’ll get more yes’s. I am great at listening and taking care of people. I love a challenge. I am a hero.

MEN/RELATIONSHIPS/DATING

Chronic Thinking: Men are full of shit. Relationships start out good (some of them) and then turn bad and I can either stay and suffer or get out. The good doesn’t last and I’m an idiot and a dreamer for thinking it could and I can have what I want.

Chronic Evidence: Men have made promises at the beginning that they don’t keep. I am powerless to have what I want because it doesn’t matter what I say. I am happier when I am alone. If I speak up they act like I am high maintenance. Some have lied about being available.

Interruption: I just got out of a relationship where we didn’t want the same things. I am asking men what they want and if they are single. I have more men responding to my profile than I know what to do with. I can keep creating what I want.

Something new to tell myself: Dating and men are fun. I love this. (OK, I have to work on this one). There are an abundance of great men out there and I can enjoy getting to know them. I am excited about finding the one that wants the same things, is willing to work things out, and is up for a great adventure for life.

Note: I want to throw up right now AND, I am looking at what I am trying to prove. Give me a little time on that one.

MY COMITMENT TO THE WORLD – That all people are free to create lives they love.

Chronic Thinking: I can’t do it right. I don’t know what I am doing. I’m an idiot for thinking I can REALLY make a difference.

Chronic Evidence: I am having a hard time registering people into my course. I led an inquiry over the weekend and 2 people didn’t like my second question. Sometimes I feel stupid after sharing.

Interruption: I have led almost two whole courses of my “Getting Unstuck with Hilary” program. People have new lives and are creating what they want. They are unrecognizable. When I coach people, they see something new that creates freedom for them. I make a difference when I share. I say what other people are thinking and it frees them.

Something new to tell myself: I make a difference. The results don’t determine my self worth. I am a courageous pioneer. My exploration transforms people. I am a successful and brilliant creator.

You can try this little exercise at home.

Where do you see that you are proving something negative about yourself? It is easy to gather evidence for that because it’s habitual. What could you gather evidence for that could be empowering? Fill out the 4 sections above in any area where you feel disempowered. Let me know what happens.

NOTE: I’m not saying I don’t have resistance to the new thoughts, especially around men. I can PROVE that I’m right given my past. I just don’t want to prove that anymore.

Please comment about what opens up for you.

Thanks for listening.

And of course… If you want more educational and fun content…

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Want To Get Unstuck In Your Relationship? Finances? Health? Energy? Or Anything Else?

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Didn’t Think I Needed To Ask That

“How was your date?” my friend asked me this morning.

“Well, his wife moved her stuff out last August and he …….”

“What do you mean his wife?” she asked.

“Well, he is not divorced. He gave her a bunch of money but since she still wants her medical benefits, they are separated, not divorced. And since he has no intention of getting married again, he has no plan to get divorced. Plus there was a whole other bunch of weird stuff like he has no place to live, some physical fights he got in, some bouts with the law, and……..”

“That’s incredible,” she interrupted me.

“What?” I asked.

“You always attract the married guys. I attract the guys with kid problems and my other friend attracts alcoholics,” she said.

“Hmmmm…..you’re right. I keep thinking I’m done with that. I wonder why we do that. I don’t like this anymore,” I said.

When we hung up I went on my dating apps. I started texting all of the guys I am currently in dialogue with.

“Are you single? Please be honest.,” I asked them.

Out of about 5, only 1 responded that he has been divorced since 2017.

I don’t know why I am a “clearing” for married and unavailable men or that my friend and her friend are clearings for their type.

All I know is that I am tired of it. And I am going to ask the question that I never thought to ask.

“ARE YOU SINGLE?”

And I’m asking them what they are looking for, too.

Because if we are not looking for the same thing, I don’t want to continue the dialogue.

That is something new that I am saying. And I’m not afraid to say it anymore.

I am GETTING UNSTUCK. And creating the life I want.

Thanks for listening.

To check out my course, click on: http://www.gettingunstuckwithhilary.com

Terror On Shoreline Drive

Did the title get you? Maybe I’m exaggerating, but it sure feels like terror.

Why is there terror?

Because tonight I have a DATE.

It’s my second one in a year and a half.

I’ve been looking at why I am so terrorized. I will tell you why:

  • because I think I have to be a certain way
  • because I can’t be myself because then I will say the wrong thing
  • because my real self is not ok
  • because my real self is not always funny
  • because I might talk about something gross
  • because I don’t know what to do
  • because I don’t know how to talk to guys
  • because I am in a panic and won’t be able to talk
  • because I don’t know what to wear
  • because maybe he wants someone really thin
  • because what if he thinks I am too fat, too high maintenance, boring, anything
  • because it’s in 3.5 hours and I am starting to feel sick🛌
  • because my stomach hurts – it’s cramping
  • because it’s going to rain
  • because I don’t know what to do
  • because ……..

I think that’s the end. I’m sure there’s more but you get the point. I’m in a panic thinking I have to be a certain way and can’t be myself.

I think it’s from ALL THE YEARS of dating before I got married. My sister would tell me don’t say this, don’t say that, do this, do that. I remember being so nervous trying to remember everything she said that I was basically a wreck.

So here I go again, doing this to myself this time.👎

This is what I am going to create for tonight (assuming there is no tornado the sky is seriously getting dark and there are tornado warnings):

  • I can relax
  • I can be present👼
  • I can get to know this man
  • I can be myself

If we like each other, we will meet again. If we don’t, it will have been a nice evening. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?💥

Here’s the only thing. Can you please tell my stomach that? It is still cramping.🤦‍♀️

Thanks for listening.

PS I just found the emojis. I love them.

The Story About How A Friend’s Kiss Taught Me To Check Things Out

I had a crush on this guy for a long, long, long, long time. We worked out together. And one day, we found ourselves in an old massage room at the gym. And one thing led to another, and he kissed me!  

It was my fantasy.  I was so excited until we went outside and we started stretching. 

“That was a friend’s kiss,”  he said, 

“Okay,”  I said. 

That night I was really upset.  “After all these years of having a crush on this guy, I finally find out he only likes me as a friend. Isn’t that just great. I better just move on and get over him.”   I was SO disappointed.  I couldn’t sleep at all.  I couldn’t get “friend’s kiss” out of my mind.

The next day, I just happened to be reading a chapter in Success Principles, by Jack Canfield. It said that when you get upset about what someone says or does, “Check it out.” 

The next day, I saw him.  I went up to him and said, “Hey, can I ask you a question?” 

“Sure,” he said. 

“What did you mean by friend’s kiss?” 

“Oh, I just meant that, that was how you would kiss a friend. If we were going to really kiss, it wouldn’t be like that. It would be super special.” 

I took a deep breath, smiling.  “Oh, okay. Because I thought you meant we would only ever be friends.” 

“No, not at all.” 

“Okay. Thank you. Glad I asked.”   I couldn’t stop smiling the whole rest of that day.  I’m sure glad I “checked it out.”  Wow, I never would have come up with that interpretation. Hallelujah.

Now, when someone says something and I get upset about it, I can just ask them what they meant.  What I’ve learned is that my negative and disempowering interpretation HAS NEVER BEEN what they meant by it.  Not even once.  Not even close.  

So if you have something where you’re upset because someone said or did something, I urge you, check it out and say, “Hey, what did you mean by that comment?”

You can even say, “This is what I’m making it mean.”  You don’t HAVE to tell them what you were thinking, but it usually ends up in relief and/or a good laugh

You might find that you don’t even need to be upset at all!

And of course… If you want more educational and fun content…

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Want To Get Unstuck In Your Relationship? Finances? Health? Energy? Or Anything Else?

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How Getting Busted Created Freedom For Me

Tonight I was on a zoom call for the people who are volunteering for a course being held this weekend. I was there on time and did my perfunctory smile and wave to everyone.

The organizer was talking and then people started sharing. I was listening, I thought, as I texted a new guy who’s a potential date. He wanted me to pick a place to meet next week. I hadn’t replied because I couldn’t think of a good restaurant.

“All I’ve been out for is margaritas and nachos, since COVID started,” I said. “They are my favorite things,” I added.

“That’s fine. I love them. That is perfect,” he said.

I sent him the address. I don’t know what time, yet, but wow, I have a date.

I was engrossed in my thoughts until I heard the organizer say, “And why don’t you pick the next person to share.”

She’ll never pick me, she doesn’t even know me, I thought.

“Hilary,” the young lady said.

“Everyone loves Hilary,” another organizer said.

Shit, I thought. I have no idea what they are sharing about. I don’t think I can fake this one.

“What are we sharing about?” I asked, trying to be cute in my delinquency.

“I’m not going to tell you,” the man said.

CRAP. “OK, then I will have to admit, I was on my phone and not paying attention,” I said. I looked around. No one was going to help me. I went for it.

“I think I know what you were talking about. About the course starting. For me, I never know why I am reviewing this course. I wonder why each year. Until, we get there on Friday at 2:00 and I see everyone I love and the course starts. And then I remember why.”

“And then what?” the organizer asked.

“I pay attention for a few minutes, and then I go back on my phone and check my emails,’ I said, wondering why I just admitted that.

He asked me who I wanted to hear from next and I picked a friend of mine. Her share was deep and meaningful and I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. Why did I admit how bad I am? Why didn’t I just pretend to be good and make up an answer?

I stewed about it for about 10 minutes. Then I remembered. I am Getting Real with Hilary. That was real. Pretending I am good is not real. In truth, I like to make trouble. It is way more fun.

I forgave myself and paid attention for most of the remainder of the call.

Towards the end, I saw my what’s app blowing up. The organizer was now sending chats to the group. He was ON HIS PHONE sending chats. Seriously? And here I had felt bad for being on my phone?

I chuckled. Isn’t life a riot?

Thanks for listening.

How Eating Too Many Chips At 12:30 AM Taught Me to Make My Life Work

Normally when I go to bed, I don’t eat anything afterwards. I’m done. I’ve brushed my teeth. I’m not doing it again. 

But this one night, I was hungry and couldn’t sleep. After debating for a while, I said “screw it.”

I got out of bed and went into my kitchen. I ate some chips, a couple of miniature Reese’s hearts, and honestly, I don’t even remember what else.

I brushed my teeth and got back into bed.  

I sat up straight.

“Oh, my God. I just used up all my weekly Weight Watcher points. What am I going to do? I’m screwed. I’m going to start gaining weight.  I’m out of control.  HELP!!!!” My mind was screaming silently. I don’t know how I fell asleep, but eventually I must have worn myself out and dozed off.

The next day when I woke up, after a moment or two of panic, I rethought the whole thing.

I had used up my Tuesday points, yes, but it was actually Wednesday when I ate the extra food.  Instead of going into my weeklies on Tuesday, I just put the points in for Wednesday.   

That day I just ate food with less points and was within my day’s point budget.  

“Wow. I didn’t blow it. I’m still within my points. I’m okay. None of that means anything,” I thought with relief at the end of the day.

The lesson is that I stopped making myself wrong. I did something different. I created freedom and empowerment for myself instead of panic, defeat and resignation.

Asking “How can I make this and my life still work?” was new for me. Before, I would have been a victim and been resigned to never losing weight EVER AGAIN. (Dramatic, yes, but that’s what my brain does.)

Here’s my question for you: Where in your life have you done something that you think, “Oh, my God. That’s wrong. That’s bad, I’m screwed?” 

Consider instead of that context, saying something different. For example:

“Huh. Okay. I did it. It’s not wrong or bad. Not good or right. It’s just what I did. Now, how can I adjust my plan, or do something new so that my life will work?” 

Just a thought so you don’t need to go down the negative tunnel like I almost did. 

Take a look. Let me know what you see. 

Thanks for listening.

And of course… If you want more educational and fun content…

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Have You Ever Felt Needy and Clingy? Read this:

Haven’t you heard the phrase, you gotta give love to get love?

I had HEARD it, but I don’t think I ever really GOT it.

I don’t think I could fathom giving love before….it just seemed so scary. What if they didn’t love me back? What if they thought I was stupid? What if they rejected me? Or the worst thing, what if they laughed at me behind my back?

This weekend I was wrestling with some circumstances:

  • one guy didn’t call me when he said he would
  • a second guy cancelled on me because he had to work, and then didn’t call me when he said he would

I went south.

Why do I pick jerks?

Why don’t they want to talk to me?

What’s wrong with me?

I’ll never have anyone.

Even though I knew that them not calling did not mean anything, my story about how I’m unlovable just kicked in as if the truth.

I was talking to my wise daughter. She has a guy friend that she was starting to like. He happens to have a girlfriend, but they have an open relationship. She watched herself getting jealous of the girlfriend. She discussed her feelings with the guy. Her jealousy disappeared.

She got to know the girl, and started hanging out with her, too. Sometimes the three of them would hang out together. It sounds weird at first, but it is working. (If you are thinking in terms of sexual things, that’s not what I’m talking about here.)

She switched “needing to have this guy to herself” to loving them both as people. If my daughter is whole and complete and perfect as she is, then she doesn’t NEED anything from the guy or the girl. She can simply enjoy her friendship with both of them.

This helped me get “unstuck” about my missed phone calls. If I’m whole and complete, it doesn’t matter when or if they call. It literally doesn’t. I can love both of them as is and just have fun. I don’t need to be validated by a phone call. I don’t need to be resentful and shitty when I talk to them next.

I can enjoy future phone calls, but not NEED to get them to be OK.

I can GIVE LOVE freely and be open to receiving whatever comes back. There is no threat. I am whole and complete either way.

This shift has been miraculous for me. I no longer feel desperate, clingy and needy with men. I don’t NEED to HAVE one in order to be ok.

I can simply enjoy them, love them, and have fun with them.

If a wonderful man shows up and wants to be exclusive, I’ll deal with that then. I am no longer afraid of every little thing.

This is a totally new perspective and I love it. For the first time, I feel free in this area.

Thanks for listening.

And of course… If you want more educational and fun content…

Follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/GettingRealwithHilary

Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/gettingrealwithhilary/

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_33JtLoZM3WkQx85OgeP3A

Want To Get Unstuck In Your Relationship? Finances? Health? Energy? Or Anything Else?

Check Out My New 8 Week Getting Unstuck With Hilary Program:

https://www.gettingunstuckwithhilary.com