Party Day!!

Why is having a party so freaking stressful?

For the last few weeks I’ve been a crazy nut case!

Not present.

Worrying about what else I need!

Going to the store at the last minute to buy more.

I don’t know what the fuck that is, but it’s a major adrenaline, head pounding, frenzied way to spend the day. IT’S STRESSFUL AND PHYSICALLY UNCOMFORTABLE!!!

And this is a party. I will be surrounded by people I love, who are coming to celebrate me, cooking for me, doing something nice for me!! Just like I asked. I’ve created the birthday I’ve always wanted. Why aren’t I celebrating instead of being so freaking stressed out?

I think, rather than get present to how great everything is, I get busy. Stay in my head. Worry.

Because if I really could get that people like and love me, I don’t know if I could handle it. It goes against my story, my identity, my bullshit.

What would I do?

Relax? Enjoy my life? Be my possibility of connection and peace? Wow!! What a freaking concept!

I could have fun today. I could let the whatever it is fall (can’t think of the word right now) and just enjoy people and this beautiful day. [I just googled it on my second pass through – let the CHIPS fall!!!!]

I think another of my things is to stay busy so I don’t have to think.

It’s exhausting!!

So, thanks for this. People will start coming to help in a half hour. I think it’s time to get ready!!!

Then, I’ll enjoy the day. I’ll ask for help putting up my beautiful balloons and decorations and whatever else I need. And accept people contributing to me.

I’m 60. Wow!! And so far, it’s a fun decade. Lots of growth opportunities. Lots of love. Lots of creating life to look forward to.

Thanks for listening. I wish ya’all could come.

Oh – here’s a birthday wish. I’m not sure if I asked you before. If you like this, share your favorite blog entry with at least one person. Let’s see if we can spread the creative word……..

Love you………….

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Back Up Plan Required

I had been counting on my two veteran agents putting in a certain amount of premium this quarter. I have known what the rest of the team needs to do for me to hit FAME (an AFLAC achievement for people in my position).

Up until this week I was very confident.

Unfortunately, in our business, planned sales do not always materialize. It is a mistake to count on anything. Today, I found out that one of my agents had a cancellation to the tune of $15,000 and my confidence has been replaced with STRESS and PANIC.

That means, for me to hit my numbers, I have to make it up with the rest of the team. One is not picking up her phone, another has a second job she is working, and the rest are busy with their own stuff. No one is responding.

The good news is that I know ahead of time. I have hit my FAME bonus 15 out of the last 16 quarters. I can do this. The one that I missed was when I was counting on this same agent and didn’t have a backup plan when she got sick and then went to her vacation home in December. It wasn’t a happy time. But I learned my lesson. Don’t count on anyone and do what you have to do.

The bad news is that I am panicking because I don’t know where the rest of the business will come from and there are only two weeks to go after today.

Today we are sitting at a client and literally no one is coming to see us. It is a slow and painful way to spend 8 hours. Every time the door opens we get excited, but it’s just someone going through this room to the ladies room. A real tease.

What can I do? I can reach out again to my agents, get in touch with my clients, and see how many last minute meetings we can set up. I refuse to miss this. Too much money is at stake.

I am visualizing success. And, having faith.

(And freaking out when I forget the two prior sentences.)

I am uncomfortable when I don’t have a plan. So I will make one even if it ends up changing. The not knowing is very difficult for me today and I don’t want to spend the weekend in a state of flux.

Gotta go make my plan. Thanks for listening.

Trying to Think of Everything

This morning I woke up in my usual state – panicked and stressed.

What the fuck? I asked myself. The day hasn’t even started.

“I’m trying to think of everything” I realized. “Everything that could go wrong, everything I need to do,….

It’s so that I won’t have to get upset if I forget something, get something wrong, people don’t know something the way I think they should, things aren’t the way I want them to be, etc. Cause when something like that happens, I’m a goner.

I am right, victimized, I knew I couldn’t have what I wanted, I knew I couldn’t count on anybody, ………the whole 9 yards.

This party on Saturday has been kicking this mechanism into HIGH GEAR.

My son and ex have been working on this party. In my mind, I can’t have it the way I want, they’re not listening to me, they keep telling me not to suffer, la dee la dee dah…………..I’m already upset and the party hasn’t even happened yet.

Yesterday I realized something. They are trying to do something nice for me. They are working hard and trying to make me feel happy and special.

So then what is my fucking problem? Why can’t I just accept that they are doing something nice, stop trying to control things, and stop thinking it’s going to be a disaster?

Good question.

Maybe because I’ve been trying to ask for what I want. It’s new for me. And I’ve been thinking it’s not working. Wanting to be right about how I can’t.

But if I really stop and look, I think I’m wrong:

  • Yesterday was a stressful day of miscommunications. My daughter was supposed to be helping me with the decorations. I trust her design and aesthetic skills WAY more than mine, and I REALLY wanted her input. At 5:00 PM, we had not connected and she was on the road to go home. I was, of course, victimized.
  • I thought about it. I’m just disappointed. I don’t have to go down the tubes.
  • I called her: “I was looking forward to seeing you and for you to help me make the place look good.”
  • She stopped at my house on her way home and we went to the party store together. We had a ball.
  • We got bright pink “60” napkins, with a black and gold accent. Pink plates, bowls, and assorted decorations, with some black and gold accent items. I love it. It cost more than I thought, but as she said, “how many times will you turn 60?” I wouldn’t have had the confidence to do it myself.
  • It almost got ugly when she was in her car ready to leave. “I would rather have left earlier. I don’t like to drive the New Hampshire roads in the dark.”
  • I got defensive and sarcastic. Then I stopped, realizing she was just like me. She had a preference and she was just venting. She wasn’t saying she was sorry she helped me, she was simply acknowledging how she felt about driving so late.
  • I was really happy that she stayed and I told her so many times.

Then there’s the men. Busy doing their own thing. Not including me in the decisions. Just doing what THEY want to do.

My son told me that men want to think they don’t need help. So the fact that they aren’t including me is part of that. Also, they didn’t want me to HAVE to hire someone to help clean and organize. It made them think I didn’t trust them.

I kind of don’t trust them to clean, and I told my son that. Why not hire someone to do that? Why set myself up for an upset? Why not take the pressure off of them?

We talked it through. I hugged him and told him I was the luckiest mother in the whole world to have a son like him. And even my ex, who I often want to complain about, is doing a really great thing for me.

It’s hard for me to accept. But I will.

And instead of waiting to be disappointed and expecting a disaster this Saturday, I am feeling blessed to have people who are working so hard to do something nice for me. I think it’s the first time I have allowed myself to feel that way.

And it’s wonderful. Thanks for listening. Gotta go get my roots dyed so I look gorgeous for my party – SEXY SIXTY!!!!!! MY NEW MOTTO!!!!!

Can’t Please Everyone

I am a people pleaser. If someone’s upset, I can’t stand it.

I like people to think I’m good. So if they think I’m an ass hole, I don’t like it at all.

Today I told my ex that I would take my mom to meet my nephew. My son was supposed to do it, apparently, but my ex was complaining so I offered to do it.

I was being a martyr/victim about it, realizing I was going to spend 2.5 hours driving my mom to save my nephew 45 minutes. I complained and moaned as a good victim would.

In the end, I didn’t do it. That is not my normal way. I’m usually “good” and do what I say I will do. But it was either go the wrong direction for my daughter or keep my sister happy. I chose my daughter. We went to the party store and bought the paper goods for my party. And “f—–d” over my sister’s plans.

My sister is really mad. She said some nasty things about how she can’t count on us after all she does for my son, etc. She went on for a while and I just listened.

I totally get it from her point of view. I let her down. I let my son off the hook.

I didn’t come through.

I apologized.

I find myself wanting to make excuses for myself and rationalizing my behavior. Trying to make her the bad guy. Trying to get myself off the hook.

Going over and over it in my head. Wanting to get agreement for how I wasn’t the bad one.

What if this is not a moral issue? I said I would do it and I didn’t. All the rest is a story.

But I still want to make excuses. So what can I do that’s different? Hmmmmmm.

OK. I just texted her:

“I’m sorry I let you down. It was a crazy day and I shouldn’t have said I could do it. Please forgive me. I don’t want you to think you can’t count on me. I think I’m usually pretty reliable. Thank you in advance.”

And now she is typing…………Oops she stopped………………….

I messed up. That’s one of the things I’m practicing. Being bad. Messing up. Getting people upset. Not being good. Making mistakes.

To see if I can stay steady in the face of them. And not go down a negative tunnel. Not feeling like I will die if someone’s upset with me. It’s not easy. It’s not comfortable.

I need a lot more practice.

Trying Not to Be Right

I know I am a victim when people don’t do what they say.

It kicks in my shit:

  • I can’t have what I want
  • I don’t matter
  • I can’t fucking count on anyone
  • I’m all alone
  • I thought this time would be different
  • Life sucks and then you die

I can see how I want to be right about it.

Here’s what happened: my daughter said she would help decorate my house for my party before she leaves for New Hampshire. But today, instead of helping me, she decided she has to get on the road. My son says he is going to do it now. The same son who is cooking all the food. The same son who says he will clean up. (He doesn’t clean up his own plate after dinner). The same son who is working the next two nights and in my opinion doesn’t have time for any of this.

“Relax,” my son says when I get upset about this.

“Don’t fucking tell me to relax,” I just told him.

It’s my house. It’s my party. I KNOW I am not good at certain things so I was asking others to help. I am NOT GOOD at trusting people or the universe. I KNOW I will be fucked over as I was at 2 freaking years of age.

So I always am.

I don’t know how to change this. I don’t know how to trust people. I don’t know how to relax and accept things.

I am trying to ask for what I want. That is a new thing for me. And it doesn’t seem like it’s working.

I asked my daughter to help. She is now offloading her work.

I am simply disappointed that she isn’t helping me decorate because she is really good at it. I was looking forward to it.

I am not good at being disappointed. I become victimized and sarcastic and blame myself for looking forward to anything. So it’s all my fault.

AND THE REST OF THE LIST:

My f——-g son keeps telling me I don’t have to suffer. I’m not, I’m just upset. That really pisses me off.

And a saleslady told me I “need to” lose my belly fat. “Go to a nutritionist – go to someone so they can help you. You’re probably eating too many carbs.”

We are sitting at a client today and only one person came to see us. What a waste of time.

I’m tired and thirsty and have to drive my mother late tonight to meet my nephew.

I’m making myself wrong for not being fucking happy right now.

So, ………………………can I just allow myself to be upset? I think so…….

Instead of resisting it……….

I always think I am not letting people’s nasty comments get into my thoughts, but I can see that they have. They are sitting there festering. Every time I look at a carb I think of the saleslady. Every time I feel upset I think of my son telling me I’m suffering. Every time I am disappointed I think I shouldn’t be.

I had a fabulous birthday yesterday. I really did.

And then boom – today I am upset. And I don’t think I should be…………..

I am going to allow myself some misery right now. Self pity, the whole works.

Fuck everyone. I can be how I am. Accept it instead of resist it.

I am mad, sad, and resentful. Annoyed and disappointed. How many times do I have to stop remember to accept how I am?

I guess a lot more. Alot alot alot alot…………..I guess I just need to keep practicing.

Thanks for listening……

Is It Old or Just Another Reason?

Today I was on the spinning bike at the gym and I had a thought that might make an interesting blog discussion.

Before I go into it, an aside: It’s National Donut Day!!

“If I get my daughter a Boston Cream today, will it still be fresh on Sunday when she arrives?” I asked the driveway through voice.

“No. It won’t be any good.” the voice answered.

“OK, I’ll get the one that I like then. A chocolate glazed.”

FYI, it’s still sitting in the bag. I’m just thinking about eating it. Personally if I’m going to eat a donut it’s going to be from the Orgasmic Donut Shop (not it’s real name) in Westport. That’s how I swore off Dunkin Donuts. If I’m going to eat a donut, it’s going to be Orgasmic.

Back to my thought. I was on the individual spinning bike. Not in a spinning class. Another aside: I have an app called Aaptiv. I can pick the type of workout, the length of time, the level, and the kind of music. It has everything from running to meditation and stretching. It’s great because they tell you what to do, pick the music, and you can do it anytime you want for as long as you want. I love it. It’s fun and always different and I don’t have to figure my workouts out myself which is fabulous.

Anyway, today it was a 30 minute intermediate Rock routine. I was pedalling along to music from my youth, having fun, when a young guy walked by. I smiled. He barely registered my presence.

“That’s because I’m old,” I immediately thought. “I’m sure it’s because of my wrinkles. If I was young with smooth skin, he would have smiled back.”

That was automatic thinking. I looked around for some older men to see if they would smile at me. There weren’t any close enough. The ones at the other end probably couldn’t see me anyway since there vision is probably bad. (That’s supposed to be funny).

First of all, I don’t know why the guy didn’t smile back. He might have had gas, been thinking about something, or just not paying attention.

Second of all, before the reason was my age (since I’m turning freaking 60 on Tuesday), it was because I was FAT. And when I was at my thinner weight, it was because I didn’t wear make-up, hadn’t brushed my hair, had varicose veins or something else.

There’s always been a negative explanation about myself. Since I was small.

I just remembered a time when I was in about third grade. A policeman smiled at me when I was crossing the street.

“That’s because my pea coat is long and covers the fat part of my legs. He couldn’t see the rest of me. He didn’t know who I REALLY WAS and that I was unworthy of his smile. If he only knew.”

That was at 8 or 9. Isn’t that amazing? These thoughts are not new. “Being too Old” is just a NEW REASON.

I thought that was interesting. It’s the same smile or no smile, just 50 freaking years later.

As if they are actually responding to me. As if they are actually aware of me.

I am going to play a game. (If I remember this!) I am going to smile at as many people as I can in a natural way. Not forced. I am going to talk to as many people as I can in a natural way. I am going to make their day by taking notice of them as a human.

I am getting moved. This will be MY birthday present to ME. To make other people’s days. To not worry about what they think of me, but to go on the offense in terms of treating them specially. Why not spread love and happiness instead of worry and doubt? Why not?

This is actually very cool. I never know what my fingers will type in this blog. I kind of just let them go. It’s fun and freeing for me to get to the other side of my thinking. And create a possibility that didn’t exist at the top of the page.

So thanks for listening and have a HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!

Doubt is Not Good

I was on a roll.

I planned my 60th birthday party. I invited people.

I was excited for the first time to design my birthday so I can get “exactly what I want” for the first time in my life. I was speaking up and asking. I was feeling proud.

All it took was one comment to ruin my mojo.

“You can’t do that.”

The person was referring to the part on the invite that my daughter designed that says bring a snack and a drink. At the time I thought it was fine.

The commenting person who shall be nameless told me his/her opinion about that.

  • you don’t know what people will bring
  • what are you going to do with it all
  • you have no room to do this
  • YOU CAN’T DO THIS

I told said person to stop saying can’t. I was very calm about it. I thought I handled it well. Held my own.

But, since then, I can see that I have started wanting to numb myself with food and alcohol. Tonight I found myself staring at a huge magnum bottle of white wine in my fridge. I was thinking it would be a good idea to drink a major part of it. I wondered why.

I actually made a conscious choice not to. That is a miracle. It made me ask myself what was going on.

Since the comment I’ve been doubting myself.

My style of party is to have fun. Don’t be uptight. It will work out. People will be great.

Said person’s style is different obviously.

I let this comment take over my brain, my ability to trust myself, and send me into a world of doubt, insecurity, and worry. I’ve gotten “crazy.” Why?

Good question.

It’s an old pattern from childhood: other people know better than me. I can’t trust myself. I need to ask everyone else for their opinions since I don’t know.

Well, I’m giving that up. My party will be great. People will bring what they bring. I will find someone competent to work that night and I and everyone will have a great time.

I think this happens when I am going out of my comfort zone. For the party it is asking for what I want.

The same thing is happening with a book proposal that I submitted yesterday. I impulsively filled out a book proposal online and submitted it to a potential agent. I didn’t take the time to make sure it was great since I couldn’t save it and needed to leave for a meeting. I just hit SEND.

Today I got a form email back saying how busy they are and that they probably won’t even acknowledge my submission. That unless I am famous or have a REALLY great reason why they should read my book, forget it.

Of course I am paraphrasing but it also made me start doubting EVERYTHING.

But now, after writing this blog, I am feeling better and getting back my power. How dare they lump me in with every other Tom, Dick or Harry submitting a book?

Fuck them. They are arrogant book people.

AND THEY ARE NOT GOING TO STOP ME!!! THEY ARE GOING TO REGRET THEIR QUICK RESPONSE WHEN I AM A BEST SELLING AUTHOR!!

(Did I just say that? Yes, I think I YELLED IT!! Well, why not? It’s better than doubt, timidity and GOING CRAZY!!)

Well, isn’t it?

Have a great night!