What I Learned On Vacation

On vacation, my first two days were difficult. I was watching other people and making up all sorts of negative stories about them. I decided they were all pretending to have fun. I was getting myself depressed.

Because that’s what I was doing. I was trying to keep my daughter happy by doing whatever she wanted even though I was tired, in pain, and just wanting to relax.

I was sacrificing myself, thinking it was the right thing to do.

I discuss it in this video. I laugh and cry as usual.

Even so, I will say the vacation was great, because I learned some valuable lessons:

I don’t have to pretend to be pleasant.

I don’t have to try to please others by sacrificing myself.

I don’t have to always be fun.

Everyone can do what they want. It’s ok.

I can acknowledge when something isn’t working for me.

I can open my mouth.

I can be free.

Pretending to be fine when I’m not doesn’t work for me. Maybe others, but definitely not me. I go down and down into a negative cycle.

The only way out is to start sharing. Not to complain, but to acknowledge where I am. Get it all out, and then I can create freedom and a new trajectory for life. Out of the shitter and into something new.

This morning, when I was making myself wrong for not being happy, I remembered another vacation.

I was sitting with my travelling companions at breakfast.

“All you do is complain. Just stop it. I can’t take it anymore,” my “friend” blurted out suddenly.

I was stunned. I felt attacked and don’t think I spoke for the rest of the vacation. It was a miserable few days in Florida, waiting for the trip to be over.

Looking back, I remembered I had gotten some very bad news before I left for Florida. My friend didn’t believe me. I was upset, nervous and scared and didn’t know how to handle it. No solution was a happy one and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I felt miserable and alone.

Today I got to cry for my much younger self. Because I never did back then. I toughed my way through, pretending I was fine. It is actually healing for me to feel the pain, even though it’s many years later. By feeling it, it can get complete. I can also have compassion for my younger self, something I rarely do.

That’s what works for me. Maybe other people can power through tough times being positive. For me that doesn’t work. I make myself wrong for being upset, turn on myself, and then get upset for being upset. I don’t know if this makes sense, but it’s a vicious circle. I have a hard time getting myself out of it.

In contrast, allowing myself to feel the emotions has me move through them in a matter of minutes if not seconds. I’m just not very adept at it, having not allowed them most of my life. Sometimes I don’t even know that I’m upset.

But I am practicing. And getting better every day.

As Michael Singer says in the Untethered Soul, which I am loving, by feeling the emotions, discomfort and even panic and fear, and allowing it, we can be free. We can move beyond our self-imposed, but invisible boundaries. It’s uncomfortable, but then it’s not.

Like a dog in an electric fence, we have to move towards the painful jolt and allow it, to get to the other side. I don’t know if I’m doing justice to what he says, but I’ve been experimenting with it the past couple of weeks. It is quite amazing. And quite freeing.

Come join me on the other side.

Thanks for listening.

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How Can I Be Miserable on Vacation?

I’m ashamed to admit that I am. But at this moment it’s true. [I’m here in Jamaica on a trip I won from work. I was going to take the money instead of the vacation. But, my daughter wanted to come so I came and brought her as my guest. This is our third day. We leave tomorrow.]

So I decided I better start sharing. Or I will ruin the rest of the vacation.

Here’s what I need to say:

  • Yesterday I was in pain – and it made me feel old, cranky and tired
  • People pleasing doesn’t work – it just makes me feel resentful and stupid
  • I feel fucking unlovable
  • Sometimes I just need to be alone and I think there’s something wrong with that
  • I tried to be fucking fun and I can’t fake it when I don’t want to – why the fuck do I think I need to?
  • Yesterday I didn’t stretch after my workout because I didn’t want to make my daughter wait and that did not work – my legs were tight, I could barely walk up stairs, and they were cramping – today I took my extra 12 minutes to stretch – I am way better off – it’s amazing that 12 minutes of caring for myself could make such a difference
  • I like to just sit and read and I think that makes me not fun but today I don’t care – that’s what I want to do and that’s what I’m going to do – it’s fun for me
  • I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone (a guy) – EVER FOR INFINITY – that’s just the way it seems – if that’s negative than I’m just a negative, hopeless bitch
  • I am not eating in a way that I think is healthy – I’m feeling like a hopeless fat blob – than I saw someone with a skin disease that is really not attractive – I felt grateful that I don’t have that – and I want to eat in a healthier way today so I feel better
  • I hate to admit I was jealous of my daughter’s “new” friends last night – they were dancing late, had energy, weren’t miserable, and she was really happy with them – I felt like the old fat cow who just sucked up the world’s air and doesn’t deserve to live
  • [OK, I’m laughing now, I think the negative self-pitying fog is starting to lift – one or two more and I think I can have fun again – FO’ REAL!!!]
  • Am I supposed to pretend to love something that I don’t so other people will be happy?
  • Am I supposed to not be REAL thinking that I am supposed to be another way?
  • It seems like the rest of my work people are happy and loving each other and fun-filled every second of every day – I am the miserable slug who is pretending to have fun – they are all FO’ REAL – and that just makes me wrong wrong wrong

NEW THINKING POSSIBLY:

  • Why do I think I have to be like everyone else? Why can’t I just be how I am? I heard a recording I don’t remember from who that says that being present is being however you are – mad, angry, sad, happy, impatient etc. That’s being present – not always having to be happy!!!!
  • There is no real thing that we have to be happy all the time!!! Not a real rule for the world. It’s just something I think is true that is totally disempowering for me
  • The Untethered Soul says that we can go beyond our self-imposed boundaries – we have constructed ourselves to feel safe – but it is artificial and limiting – so I am going to be with that and expand it – why the fuck do I care about what other people think – so much so that I think I am wrong if they make me wrong
  • I am going to expand that today because it sucks

I am going to be however I am today – even if it’s miserable. I’m going to not resist anything (as much as I can). I’m going to do what I want!!! I’m going to speak up!!

Well, this all seems like a stretch but why not? Why resist how I am? I am going to share and say what I don’t think I SHOULD say and create my life!!!!

And that’s what this is. I am expanding my boundaries as I type.

Wish me luck.

Real honest greetings from Jamaica, mon!!!!

Thanks for listening.

(And you are supposed to say YA MON!!!)

Memory – A Little Scary

I just did a video on memory. It was scary. I was trying to give the statistics for my blog that I received yesterday and couldn’t remember most of them. So here they are:

Getting Real with Hilary  Creator
OMG!
You had 1,133 minutes watched this month.
That’s 18.883 whole hours!
Here’s how your channel did this month+20SUBSCRIBERS +456VIEWS +1,133MINUTES WATCHED
And here is how your community responded+54LIKES +10COMMENTS +10POSTS +18SHARES

Isn’t that amazing? I don’t even know what I am doing!!! Since I had no expectations, I’m very pleased!!

OK – here’s the video where I can’t remember a fucking thing. (Yes, I swear).

And, one of the things that one of the Fabulous Babes remembered over the weekend is that we were the Fat Ass hole club.

I had been looking for years for who else was in that club with me and I offended many people I asked.

“Were you in the Fat Ass hole club?”

“No. Why would I have been in that club? Why are you asking me? Do you think I’m a fat ass hole?”

Whoops!!! Never mind. It wasn’t you!!!

I couldn’t figure out who had laughed with me about it. Definitely none of the people I asked. They were horrified.

Finally, I found the rest of my club. (I’m not mentioning names because some people get upset if I name people.) But, thankfully the mystery was solved. We cracked up remembering.

If we didn’t work out one day, we said we were in the Fat Ass hole club. Yes, we were fun, young, energetic and had NO FEAR!!! And we swore and it was great!!!

OK, gotta run. I’m already running late but since this is so much fun I couldn’t resist.

Thanks for listening and have a great fucking day!!

Complaining vs Venting

What’s the difference?

I don’t know. I know I need to share and vent the real me. Otherwise I stay quiet and stuck and don’t want to talk to anyone.

Sharing has been come back to the world and feel connected. That’s just me!!!!

Some people can’t hear complaining. I suppose it depends on who it is, etc.

I’m going to record another one. That reminds me of something.

Here’s where I share what “someone” was complaining about someone complaining. I’m thinking if it’s someone close to us it’s harder to hear.

Just thinking………

Gotta get to work. I’ve been so distracted by this I haven’t really started my calls yet.

OOPSIE!!!

Monday – Hopeless Again – Really?

How does this happen?

I had an awesome weekend with the Fabulous Babes. We were a group of 5 amazing women who had worked at Drexel Burnham Lambert on Wall Street in the late 1980’s. We were named by one of the many men who worked at Drexel. And we loved that name!

4 of us got together near Albany this weekend. We what’s app’d in our 5th Babe from London on Sunday.

We hadn’t been together in over 25 years as a group. We had always said we would get together, but it just hadn’t happened until now.

It was wonderful. It was as if we had seen each other last week except for the fact that we had 25 years to catch up on. It took a while to let everyone tell their story. We laughed, we cried, we walked, we ate and we drank.

We looked at old photo albums.

I had forgotten a bunch of things:

  • how much fun we had
  • how great we all looked – yes, even me
  • how confident we all were
  • how many people we knew
  • the awesome things we did
  • how much fun we had – I know, it’s a repeat – we REALLY DID!!
  • how wild and crazy we were
  • and most importantly – how much I love these ladies!!!

I’m amazed.

Because in my 20 year marriage funk, I had felt all alone.

And my automatic thought is that people don’t like me. It’s not rational, just automatic. I kind of live in fear, hoping that they don’t find out the real me. I’m just too annoying for many reasons for people to stick around. After all, in my driveway incident, at 2, they left me there. There must have been a reason.

And even though it makes no sense, (I was 2 for God’s sake), it still runs my show. It seems real. I have to be on guard so people don’t find out how I REALLY AM!!!

It seems crazy, but I really saw this weekend that I live that way.

On my drive home I could see those thoughts for what they are – just thoughts. Actually not real. These girls really like me. And they’ve known me for 25 years.

When did I get this fucked up in my thoughts? Was I always this way and just hid it? Did I lose all my confidence after Drexel went bankrupt? When I got married? When my marriage wasn’t what I thought it was and I blamed myself?

And does it really matter WHEN? Or does it matter that I ground myself as often as I can in love, connection and living in the in between now and moving forward?

Easier said than done.

It’s so easy to wake up into the shitter:

  • fat
  • miserable
  • unlovable
  • powerless
  • hopeless
  • unmotivated

This morning, driving to my office, I was trying to wrestle off my hopelessness and powerlessness. I couldn’t. It just got worse and my back and neck were in pain. I felt tired and just wanted to go back to bed.

I argued with myself and made it wrong that I wasn’t all excited and passionate about work like the people running our Monday calls. I was wrong, wrong wrong.

When that didn’t work I decided I’d stop resisting it. I would just BE hopeless and powerless. Bask in it. And ask God to show me what I couldn’t see.

After all, whether I want to do this job or not, I still have bills to pay and retirement to save for.

Like other times I’ve stopped resisting “the blob,” all of a sudden, I felt alive again. I started generating ideas. I got in touch with the love I felt this weekend for my amazing Babes. And how lucky I am to have them. And to have the renewal income from my job. And that I have my family.

I couldn’t get in touch with this when I was resisting how I was. All I could see was how wrong I was.

You’d think I’d know this by now. You’d think this would be automatic by now – to know this.

I guess I need more practice – in accepting myself as I am just a little faster.

I don’t know if I will ever automatically wake up into a world where I am loved just as I am. Automatically remembering that people love me; that I am connected to wonderful loving people all over the world; and that we are one big loving community.

But I can get quicker at remembering it. Because it’s a much more fun way to live.

It took me 4 hours today. Tomorrow maybe it can be 3!!!

I can only hope!!!

Thanks for listening. I can’t do a video this morning since I’m at my office.

Stay tuned for later. I can’t wait.

Have a great day!!

The Tongue and Speaking Up

Just recorded two videos. You’ll have to go to YouTube “Getting Real with Hilary” to listen.

Aren’t you curious about the Tongue?

About my date last night?

Well, go see if you can find those videos and you’ll hear all about them.

If you can’t find them, …………oh, never mind.

OK, I’ll make it easy on you.

Enjoy. Comments are welcome.

Have a great day!!!!

Not Sure This Works

https://youtu.be/OSXWSGeHJ7c

I’m not sure I should post this one. I was feeling frustrated and disappointed and decided to try to see if I could talk my way out of it.

I hate when people tell me to be positive. It annoys the fuck out of me. I think it’s my shtick.

DON’T TELL ME HOW TO BE!! I want to scream. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

It kicks in my I shouldn’t be the way I am thing.

But, really, show me the rule that says that a person HAS TO BE POSITIVE!!!

There isn’t one!

Am I on a rampage? Yes I am.

And it feels good to blow off my frustration. I hate pretending to be happy when I’m not.

Wanna hear the list?

Couldn’t fall asleep until 3:00 AM. It’s just hitting me now.

It’s raining and cold and I have a date and I have no idea what to wear. I haven’t worn winter clothes in a long time. I forgot what I have. I don’t feel like having to be peppy.

I’m getting my hair colored and cut and see above – it’s raining so it will look like shit.

I just ate more multigrain guiltless chips than I had intended to.

My back hurts

OK – work – a category unto itself:

  • the last 4 months have been the worst in years in terms of sales
  • my last new agent quit today
  • the other new one quit after one day this week
  • my old agents aren’t working
  • basically I have NO TEAM
  • I have lost any confidence I ever had
  • I can’t see how things could ever get good again
  • I’m tired
  • My back hurts – I know that’s a repeat
  • I’m tired – repeat
  • Back/tired/back/tired etc.

And, as always, I feel like I should be happy anyway. Just to join the rest of humanity. Be positive. Law of Attraction. Be grateful. Loser for feeling this way.

I’m very wrong for feeling this way. Just shoot me and put me out of my misery.

So you can vote on if I should take this negative, venting video off the public site.

I couldn’t decide. Maybe someone else will feel better about themselves.

Or, they will wish they hadn’t press play.

I’ll take feedback.

Have a great fucking day.

Actually, just allowing myself to feel negative is taking some of the edge off. Try it. It’s better than making it wrong.

Adios.

Thanks for listening.