I’m Back

I had an awesome vacation. I created FREEDOM and PEACE!!

And it’s been really great.

Even though I’m behind on my numbers, I’ve been free and peaceful. Today I was optimistic. I created a plan to generate some cash and bonuses regardless……..I was happy happy happy positive positive positive……..and then……….(music from Jaws)……

I went to a 2:00 appointment with an existing client. I brought a young agent who had attended two funerals this week. I was going to show her something positive.

We literally sat there, ignored, until 2:53. I got up to see what was going on for the second time.

The woman looked at us. “I’m sorry everyone left. There’s no one here to see you.”

“Well, it would have been nice if you had told us that at 2:00,” I said, not being able to contain my annoyance.

“We are understaffed and I couldn’t break away to tell you.”

“OK,” I said and left with my new associate.

We each got into our respective cars. I called her and had a tantrum. “I’m sorry that every time I bring you to something it is horrible. I am not showing you that AFLAC can work. I am sorry. This really sucks. That was rude.”

And she tried to cheer me up and tell me to think positive.

I wanted to scream at her. “Don’t fucking try to cheer me up.” But I didn’t. Instead, I bit my tounge.

I am present to the following:

  • body sensations – headache, backache, achey, head pounding
  • shitty attitude – THIS SUCKS!
  • the thought that something is VERY WRONG HERE

It’s basically that my body actually hurts right now and my head is pounding. I’m wondering if I hurt myself at the gym this morning doing back and biceps. It’s not normal.

Honestly, my vacation was great. I didn’t miss this AFLAC bullshit – having to set appointments, being treated like an ass hole by clients and prospects, people cancelling, missing my numbers, being dependent on agents and other people, and feeling like a FUCKING LOSER!!! I didn’t miss it one bit.

An aside: Two people I know were diagnosed with cancer while I was gone. That is really sad. That could be what’s underlying this. Trying to be fucking positive when it’s scary as hell.

I’m done trying to be good. I’m not. I talk about people and I have a bad attitude sometimes and I like to have a few drinks and I should be thinner.

I have no patience and I’m moody.

And that’s all ok. I don’t need to fix myself. I’m allowed to be frustrated and disappointed. I don’t need to be fucking Pollyanna. That’s just not my style. And I’m going to tell my agent that the next time she starts lecturing me. I’ll send her to my mother and they an be PERKY together. Just leave me the fuck alone.

This actually feels better. I’m not a good pretender anymore.

I’m FRUSTRATED AND DISAPPOINTED, got that? And it’s fine. DO NOT TELL ME TO BE ANOTHER WAY, PLEASE!!!!

If you do, I’ll start screaming at you and you wouldn’t like that.

Oh, second aside: My ex husband couldn’t believe one of our clients was afraid to talk to his wife about covering his daughter on a policy.

That reminded me of a MARITAL INCIDENT. The one that ended our marriage.

INCIDENT: My ex enrolled our son in a private school knowing I was FULLY and UTTERLY against it. He didn’t talk to me about it because he knew I was against it. He just did it behind my back.

“If it cost me our marriage, I am ok with it,” he had said. “I would do it again if I had to.”

And it did cost him our marriage. So don’t ever feel sorry for that bastard. He didn’t want to discuss it.

“I wasn’t afraid to,” he said this morning. “I just figured why should I when I knew how you felt?”

So he did what he wanted without discussing it with me. I found out from my mother that my son had enrolled in that school. I couldn’t believe he did it. He still thinks it was the right thing to do.

Sorry, the memory just frosts me. And makes me sad. That I was SO not included in my ex’s decision making. That I felt irrelevant and that I didn’t matter. That marriage was supposed to be my dream. GUESS IT WASN’T!!!

“So don’t be surprised that the guy doesn’t want to talk to his wife. Look what you did,” I screamed at him this morning. “YOU WERE HORRIBLE!” I screamed.

“I’ve always loved your passion,” he said.

I wanted to strangle him. I’m still pissed off about it 6 hours later. FUCK HIM.

I don’t know if I should publish this. But IT IS THE REAL ME.

And, what I gave up last week was not wanting to risk being my real self. And risking being disappointed or rejected for it. And left in the driveway.

So, I’m going to publish it. Why not?

Maybe someone else will get free to be real. I’m tired of pretending I’m nice.

It certainly doesn’t get me anywhere.

Thanks for LISTENING!!!!

(Yes, the caps are me yelling!!!!! Hope you enjoy it!!!!)

And, miraculously my back feels better!!!! Have a great fucking day!!

PS I did apologize to the client for losing my shit. The woman said I was fine. Maybe I wasn’t as bad as I thought. Who knows?

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Leaving on a Jet Plane Tomorrow!

Tomorrow I am leaving for North Carolina for my nephew’s Bar Mitsvah. My whole family will be there.

My commitment is: everyone is perfect as they are, AND to listen from people’s greatness. I have shared this with my immediate family and they are all on board.

Then, Sunday, I leave for Costa Rica. I am on a Consultant’s Vacation Course. I asked one of the consultant’s if it was their vacation and we were just included in it.

“No,” he said. They are working and taking care of us. I like that better. It’s actually pretty cool. I think there’s about 50 of us. At the Four Seasons.

I was still in a funk. Still from the other night. Instead of allowing myself to be sad, I’ve wanted to run away. Really run away. From everyone.

I told this person that I thought I would just stay home. No one to run away from at home. I’ll just tell people I’m gone and hide for a week.

“Well, I’ve heard the Four Seasons has pretty nice rooms. You might as well hide there,” he said.

I started laughing. “I guess you’re right. It’s already paid for. I might as well go.”

At the end of our conversation I said I was fine.

“Are you sure?”

“Why?” I asked.

“You know, it’s ok to just be sad.”

How did he know I was still stuck? Amazing.

“I don’t know if I can. I feel like it’s too hard. I feel like I’ll fall apart if I do,” I said.

I thought about it. I know that being sad only takes seconds. Trying not to be sad takes years of feeling stuck inside my head and body. I gave him a list of things that had gotten to me and I didn’t think should be this way.

Then I allowed myself to be sad for about two seconds. I started laughing.

“OK, you’re right,” I said. “It wasn’t that hard. Thank you.”

And now I’m excited for my trip. To get away. To not have to listen to other people’s problems all day. To just be able to BE ME. And relax.

I don’t know if I’ll write when I’m away. We will see.

Have a great week.

Thanks for listening.

Is Running Better Than Numbing?

Yesterday I went to my mom’s house. I hadn’t seen her in a week or two. I told her that I wanted to be finished with dinner by 7:00. I told her at least 5 times.

It was Labor Day. A nice relaxing day. I got a lot done and showed up at my mom’s house at 5:30 with plenty of food and plenty of time.

She wasn’t there. I called her. No answer.

She finally got home at 6:30. She had lost her phone and didn’t know where it is.

“I got salmon,” she said happily.

“Well, I brought chicken. You didn’t need to go shopping. I want to be done by 7:00.”

“You’ll be fine,” she said. “It’s only 6:30.”

She starts unloading lots of vegetables and two beautiful pieces of salmon. Chattering away.

I wanted to run away. I couldn’t be with my feelings. I didn’t want to be ungrateful. I didn’t want to be a bitch.

She had been visiting my aunt who is not doing well. Then she decided to go to Trader Joe’s, her favorite store. Even though, in my opinion, there was plenty of food.

I had gone there to see HER. Not to sit in an empty house waiting for her. I was UPSET. I didn’t even know what to say. I was sad, but didn’t want her to see.

Even though I didn’t want to ruin the night, I ruined it for me. I was in an incident. Here’s how my internal thoughts went:

  • it doesn’t matter what I say – I can’t have what I want – AND, if I complain, I’m just a high maintenance, complaining bitch
  • my mother is going to do what she wants no matter what – if I say anything, I am a cruel ungrateful daughter – after all, she’s 89 and I should be lucky to have her
  • it’s sad watching her – she doesn’t seem to REALLY be in touch – her refrigerator and shelves seem stocked with unneeded redundancies – she will eat old food rather than throw it out
  • I don’t want to be sad in front of her so I’ll hold it – and all I feel is anger – I want to run out of there and be some place where I can explode into body wrenching sobs – but I don’t – I just hold it all in, seething
  • I went up to bed early like I usually do but my mind was so fucked up that I didn’t fall asleep for about four hours – not a good way to spend my night when I had to get up early

And, after all that, I did stop eating at 7:00. We cooked the salmon fast and I was finished when I wanted to be.

Why by 7:00? It’s my new thing. Sort of a beginner’s intermittent fasting.

I was down .8 of a pound today. I’m lower than I have been in a year. So, I’ll keep doing it until it stops working. Why not?

Today I just feel shame. How could I be such a terrible person? My mom went and bought salmon and I had an internal shit fit that on the outside was like a mad, unfun, dissatisfied bitch. I wouldn’t want to be around me. YUCK!!!

And the amazing thing is that my mom loves me anyway. And I don’t know how she could. I hate that part of me.

Next time I could just speak up. I could responsibly say how I feel.

It’s ok that I couldn’t last night. I can forgive myself (I think).

I’ll just keep practicing speaking up and saying what I don’t think I can say. That’s my plan.

OK, gotta go get the sleep I missed last night.

Thanks for listening.

I Got Nothing To Say

I have nothing to say. So, let’s see what my fingers start typing.

I’ve been reading some great stuff. Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly, and continuing to read Speaking Being and the Michael Singer book (blanking on name).

Not much time for fiction. I’m going on a trip and I’m thinking I will load up on some brainless happy ending books. We will see. Sometimes I just can’t find any that call to me.

Brene’s book talks about shame, shame resilience and vulnerability. It says women’s biggest thing is how they look. For men, they can’t look weak.

What I’m committed to is people being their “real” selves. Not the self with the mask that wants to look good and do everything perfectly.

That’s why I like Brene Brown. She admits when she makes a mistake or feels embarassed or ashamed.

I was also listening to Amanda Palmer be interviewed by Tim Ferriss. She also talked about being vulnerable and discussed things like miscarriages, death and struggles. I think it is personally refreshing to hear people be real.

For me, personally, what’s in the way of being real is being liked, not getting people upset, and thinking I’m just crazy. Lately I’ve been putting myself first instead of placating others, and I have to be honest, it’s uncomfortable. But it’s also liberating.

I am currently struggling with names for my book, the tag line, and what to do for my next speaking gig. I’m not suffering, mind you, I’m struggling or grappling. So don’t be giving me advice on how not to suffer (a pet peeve). I’m not suffering.

I’m in the inquiry. And enjoying being in the not knowing and discovery. When I can let go of that I have to know, it’s quite enjoyable.

I’m also late to meet a friend so I have to go. And hope that my chicken on the grill is ready by the time I have to leave.

It’s a beautiful day on my deck. I am truly blessed to have found this beach cottage. I thank God for the peace and tranquility it brings to my life.

Hope you are having a wonderful Labor Day.

Thanks for listening.

Speaking Up

I’ve been doing it. I’ve been saying things that I really thought I should not say.

And it’s been awesome.

Here’s one category:

There are quite a few people I have a negative feeling about.

When I looked at why, I realize it’s because they said something and I took it as a slight, advice or criticism. I never told them. I just internally dismissed them without knowing it.

I’ve had a few of these people ask me why I don’t hang out with them/don’t like them. It gave me the opportunity to SAY SOMETHING/SPEAK UP. These were my three responses to the different people:

  1. “Well, let’s see,” I said. ” I guess when you gave me unsolicited advice, I decided I didn’t like that. I’m sorry. I should have said something. I wasn’t conscious of my decision.”
  2. “Oh,”………..I thought. “Remember when you judged me about my married man. You didn’t even listen to what I was saying. You were mean and condemned me. I decided since you didn’t like me, I didn’t want to be around you.”
  3. “I don’t like when you comment on what I’m saying. It bothers me.”

All three of these people listened to me. They didn’t get upset. They saw that I wasn’t the only person they were doing these things to. They actually thanked me.

I was shocked. I expected them to get defensive or mad. Instead, I had a new affinity for them. I could love them and feel close to them. A stark contrast to how I felt before speaking up. It was really incredible.

I wouldn’t have thought telling them these things would go well.

I have also spoken up with some young girls from work.

“I can either interact with you like you are weak, not capable and troubled, or I can interact with you like you are strong, smart and capable. Which would you prefer?”

Both picked strong, smart and capable. It was pretty cool. I was silently condemning them and not saying anything. I thought if I said something they’d be insulted or upset.

Instead, speaking up had them see themselves as their greater self. And, they appreciated my honesty.

Just some examples from the field. My friend is about to come over. I haven’t seen her since June. I’m ready to have some fun.

Thanks for listening. Have a great Labor Day weekend.

The Little Voice

I’m reading the Untethered Soul, by Michael Singer. Oprah talked about it on her Super Soul Sunday podcast. She loved it. So I took it out of the library. I’ve only read the first two chapters so far.

For the first time, I can sort of understand “the little voice in our heads.”

The voice does not make sense. It’s always talking. It never shuts up. And, it argues both sides of an argument.

I knew we had a voice, but I didn’t really get it.

I still thought that some of my thoughts were real. I didn’t distinguish them as just noise. I’d get upset by them. And need reassurance that they weren’t real. Don’t ask me why. But I did.

Now, after reading the book, I compare the voice to a person sitting on a park bench talking to themselves. Babbling on and on. Never stopping. Not making any sense.

I’d look at them and think they were crazy.

But that’s like what happens inside our heads.

That voice just keeps talking. Arguing both sides of the argument. On and on and on. It reminds me of Archie Bunker yelling at Edith. “Do you ever stop talking?” (I’m making that up – don’t know if it was actually Archie!)

No wonder I feel crazy sometimes. It’s a constant monologue that I’ve been listening to. It would drive anyone crazy.

The trick, Michael Singer says, is to be an observer of it. Not a participant.

My friend used to say, “Don’t Engage,” when referring to someone who could get me crazy and I won’t name names. “Don’t respond. Ignore them.”

Well, that’s true for us and our brains. Don’t engage. Just watch it.

So when I’m wondering about a certain person and what they are doing, it’s just my brain doing it’s thing. It doesn’t really matter.

Or worrying about my kids, my work, the future, money, etc.

I can just watch my voice talking. Like I’d watch the person on the park bench.

We will see. It sounds easy. I’m just not sure that it is.

Or is that my little voice saying that?

Whining Time – Or Is It?

I’m in a bad mood.

I’m thinking I should be looking for fucking miracles and being happy and I’m JUST NOT!!

So, if I accept myself as I am instead of trying to be fucking Pollyanna, I can say I am just in a pissy, lousy, self-pitying mood.

And, I don’t think I should be.

So, let’s look. What is actually going on?

Today I asked my friend how his wife was. I knew she was sick.

“She’s dead. She died two weeks ago.”

“What? I didn’t know. Oh, I’m so sorry.” I gave him a hug.

“How are you doing?” I asked, looking him in the eyes.

“Everything will be fine. Everything will work out,” he said smiling. He did some chest press while I stared at him.

I don’t freaking get it. His wife just died. His wife who he loved and said was perfect for him. Since the day he met her they were together.

Maybe that’s his coping mechanism. Or, maybe he really is a very positive guy.

I just find it sad that she died so young and her two daughters now have no mother. And, that the love of his life is gone.

But that’s just me. That’s how I FEEL. I don’t REALLY know how he feels.

And my mom. She started another SMALL fire in the kitchen. She doesn’t remember that the coffee pot can not go on the stove.

“I just wanted to heat up the coffee a little bit,” she said. “I’ll never do it again. I promise.”

But it’s the third time. And that’s what she said the last time.

My sister came to pick her up and take her to her house so she won’t start another fire. My sister is having surgery so she told my mom that she needed her. My mom went to “help her.”

I guess I’m just sad about it. And, pretending that it’s FINE. And, afraid she will burn the house down and really hurt herself.

It’s not FINE. It’s the way life goes, but that doesn’t have to mean I like it.

Tonight I was at a friend’s house. We were having a “homework practice party” for Wisdom. I didn’t like some comments people made to me. Instead of saying something, (saying what can’t be said), I just stayed quiet, and as soon as it was over, I left.

In retrospect, what could I have said? “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me,” I guess. Or, “I don’t like what you just said.”

Until now, I thought it was my fault for being a bitch. I just didn’t speak up. I got quiet instead and couldn’t wait to leave.

I’m looking to see what pissed me off. “You weren’t listening,” one of the girls said. I hate when people say that.

Another said, “that’s not what I was saying, but ok.” I took that as “you’re really stupid and off.”

I guess I felt like a bad girl. I didn’t listen or get it right. It made me want to run away like I did as a kid. Get the hell out of there. And I did.

I guess I can just communicate tomorrow. And tell them how I felt.

To get back into affinity and friendship. Cause right now I hate both of them. “Fuck ’em” as my father would say.

OK, that feels better. I was blaming myself thinking I’m the bitch. I’m the wrong one. It’s all my fault.

Fuck that. I’m done with that. I’ll just say what I don’t think I should say. Until we are friends again.

I’m sad about my mom and my friend’s wife. And another guy who dropped dead this week. I know it’s all a part of life, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it!!!!!

Thanks for listening. I’m finally letting the tears out. And that’s a good thing for me!!!

Getting Real!!! Have a good night!!!