One day a woman at work texted me to tell me she was taking over one of my big accounts.  

I was pissed.  How dare she?  This was not hers to take.   This was not right.

I didn’t respond right away because I didn’t have anything nice to say and didn’t want to start a fight. One of us was losing and it looked like it was me.

I happened to be in a course that weekend and we were looking at what if instead of a win-lose situation, we could create a win-win? 

It made me think.  I wondered if we could create a win/win situation here.  

I texted her and asked if she could talk.   

She told me she was mad that I hadn’t responded right away.  I apologized and told her that I hadn’t known what to say because I was mad that she was doing this.

In my company, we don’t just take away accounts.  She had gone around protocol and in my opinion, been very sneaky.  But I didn’t say any of this. Instead, I said, “Look, what would you need to make this a win for you? And I’ll tell you what I need to make it a win for me.” 

We talked and we worked it out so that we both got what we wanted.

It was amazing. I didn’t have to bad mouth her. I didn’t have to feel like I lost something.  We both ended up getting what we wanted. I couldn’t believe it.

Take a look in your life. Is there any place where if you got to win, then the other person has to lose? Or if you lose, they win? Or you’re right and they’re wrong or vice versa? 

It’s a limiting context.  Another example where I used this was with my sister. In the past, before I understood this, I would get a text from my sister and automatically be upset. It would involve something she was telling me to do, an opinion about me or my kids, or something else that would set me off.

If she was right, then I was wrong. And that was bad.    

Now, I have a different context. I look at our common commitment instead of who’s right or who’s wrong.

Most of the time the issue involves my mom. We’re both committed to my mom having the best life she can for as long as she can have it. We share that commitment.

So if my sister has an opinion, or if she’s telling me to do something and I don’t agree with it, I can say, “Hey, how can we make this work”, knowing it will benefit my mom if we work it out.

We can have a win-win instead of me just ignoring her, bad mouthing her and resenting her, and no one feels like they’re losing. 

So my question again to you, is there any place where you want to win so someone else can lose? Or someone’s right and you’re wrong? Or vice versa? 

What if you could make it a win, win scenario? 

I’ll tell you what, it’s a way better life. There’s a lot more love, a lot more peace and a lot more connectedness. 

So let me know what happens for you!

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One of the participants in my course is living in Costa Rica.  She doesn’t like to plan and part of the course is developing a plan. 

“I don’t want to plan, I like to surf and I don’t want to be limited,” she said.  ” I don’t want to have to do this work. I don’t want to do it.”

“OK,’  I said.  I knew this was simply her resistance. That’s one of the things we look at in my course. 

I said, “Well, what if the plan was to just double your income which is what you said you wanted to do?  And do it the way you like.”

“Well, how do you do that?” she asked.

“Just share what you’re doing,”  was my answer. 

She’s an artist.  She thought about it.   “Okay, I could do that.”

She started sharing while she was surfing, while she was on the beach, when she met new people and when she was hanging in the cafe with her friends.  All she did was share what she did. 

Before the course, she was living hand to mouth, running out of money, struggling, whining, suffering, and it was just the way it had to be in her mind. 

 “What if it doesn’t have to be that way?” I had asked her during week 3.  “This course is about getting unstuck.”

I don’t know if she believed me, but here’s what happened.  While she was sharing, people became interested in what she was doing. They hired her to paint murals.  One guy had her develop a logo. Another one’s having her develop a logo and is sharing in the profits of his business with her. 

She went from scarcity to abundance without suffering for one second.  She wasn’t having “to do work.” She was just enjoying her life on the beach and manifesting her dream.

Where do you think you can’t do something?  There’s something you want to do, but you just haven’t, like this is just the way it is. 

Well, dust off your dreams and call me if you want, because this stuff works. 

If not, ask a friend, get into dialogue and just start talking about it.  What would be possible if, or what if I could do that? 

I Promise you, your life will take a different turn.

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Back in the 80’s, I was in Germany working on a consulting engagement with the US Army.  I was in charge of designing the manpower sub-system of a resource management system for all of Europe.  

I was proud of my subsystem and honored to be able to present it to the officers in command.  I knew what I was going to say.  I knew my subsystem.  After all, I had designed it.

I wasn’t even nervous.  But for some reason, when I got up to speak, I took one look at the generals sitting in front of me and froze.  The only thing I could move was  my eyes. 

I looked at my my manager across the room, wide-eyed, trying not to panic. Thankfully, he got the message and started talking.  Within a few words I got my wits back and took over from him.  I was perfectly fine after that. 

What I learned was to make sure I write down the first paragraph of any talk I am giving so I don’t have to rely on my memory.   By having those first words in my hand, I don’t have to worry if I freeze again.

It works.  I never go to a speech or workshop or call that I am leading without having my notes.  It has removed the fear of having my brain temporarily stop working.  It has dramatically lessened my stress and anxiety about speaking.

So what is something where things didn’t go as planned before in your life, or some mistake that happens repeatedly? 

What’s an action that you can take that would make sure even if it does happen, you are ready for it and have planned for it?   

I don’t know what it would be. Cooking, speaking, calling someone on the phone. Whatever it is. If you’re prepared, you won’t have to be afraid, and can keep going without missing a beat.  

I’d love to hear from you.  Let me know what actions you took and how they made a difference for you. 

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So what I saw this week was that I have this list of things📝 that I need to be or have in order to feel okay. 

Here’s what happened:

I had broken up with a gentleman when I saw that the relationship wasn’t serving my best self.  I was so happy🤗,  I felt powerful.  I was standing for my life and what I wanted.  YAY ME!!  I am woman hear me roar, and all that great stuff.

But a couple of seconds later, I heard this little voice saying, “Well, how are you going to find another guy?🤷‍♀️ How are you going to get someone else?” 

“Why do I need someone else?🤷‍♀️ I was just feeling good two seconds ago.” I wondered.  “What the hell happened?”

And I realized I have a list. Because  all of a sudden, all my concerns and considerations were shouting in my head:  “Well, your body’s not okay.❌ You need to lose those five pounds. And look at those wrinkles.👵  You’ll never get another guy.  You’re just not ok.”  My voice said. 

I realized, “Wow, I have a list of how I need to be, to be okay. To not go over to the left side, where nothing’s good, I suck, the world sucks,  and I have no power. I’ve got to look a certain way, my bank account has to be a certain way,💵 I can’t have any credit card balances,💳 or I go down the tubes.”

It was amazing.  I started wondering about it. 

“Who made this list up? I don’t know. Maybe I inherited it. Maybe I made it up. Who knows, but it’s not true. What’s the difference if I have a balance on my credit card in terms of my inherent value? If I gain five pounds, does that mean I should hate myself?😕 What if it’s possible to just love life right now, exactly as it is, and not have to fix myself?😬 Wow!”

That’s what I’ve taken on in the last few days after seeing that little conversation.

 And I’ll tell you what, I don’t always remember it, but I’m practicing it.💯

The list can get triggered by almost anything:  a glimpse in the mirror, or at my bank account, or not seeing a text on my phone.  But now, when I start feeling bad again, I can just remember:

“Wait. That’s the list. Let it go.”👍

So my question to you is, do you have a list❓

Are there certain things that you need to do or have to feel like you’re something? A success,📈 or that you’ve made it, or that you look good? 

Well, just check it out and see, is that really true?👍 Is that really a universal law that these things have to happen before you feel good about yourself? 

I’d be fascinated to find out. Let me know, and tell me if you get any freedom, because I sure did!🙋‍♀️

Check out my course: http://www.gettingunstuckwithhilary.com to learn more tools and techniques for getting free and creating a life you love.

The other night, something was supposed to happen that didn’t.  A woman I knew was going to join me on a call and she didn’t. 

In an instant I saw myself get immediately depressed. Even though it wasn’t a huge deal in reality, I went south.  Onto the “other side” as I call it.  I had been happy one moment, got her text, and all of a sudden life sucked and I didn’t know why.  My energy changed, my attitude changed, my body started hurting, and I just wanted to go to sleep or break out the wine, chips and hummus.

I decided, rather than start drinking or escaping to bed, to look at what happened by using the tools in my course, the Getting Unstuck With Hilary program. And this week’s homework was to tell your story. 

I was telling a very familiar story and I kept hearing myself say, very sadly and with a lot of suffering, I can’t have what I want over and over and over again.

I went back to the little incident from when I was two, knowing that’s where it came from. Even though knowing that had never given me any freedom and made no sense, it still kept happening.

Today, using my course technique,  I saw it in a different way for the first time. 

When I was two, I just didn’t get what I wanted.  My brain made up that I can’t EVER have what I want to protect me from being disappointed. That’s the brain’s job. It thinks we’re still in survival from the jungles, but we’re not. 

Today I finally saw it differently.  I just didn’t get what I wanted THAT DAY. Two year olds aren’t supposed to get everything they want.  That’s just life. It doesn’t mean I can’t have what I want for the rest of MY ENTIRE LIFE.

And in that moment, my whole life opened up.   I don’t have to suffer over that anymore. It’s just not TRUE.  It’s just a place I was stuck. 

And now, I’m free to create the life I love, which is my commitment, that we all get to create lives we love. 

Is there a place where you silently suffer and you don’t know why? Well, take a look at it and see if you can create some freedom. 

And if not, you can always go to http://www.GettingUnstuckWithHilary.com and we can get you free together, because it’s really fun.

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Why am I asking?

Because I have a stigma with not being happy.

When I’m not happy, I think there is something REALLY wrong with me. Once I make it wrong, I get stuck in the downward spiral and it really, really sucks. Here’s what I tell myself:

• No one can love me like this
• Something is wrong with me that I’m like this
• I shouldn’t be like this
• etc.

And then it gets worse by people’s comments:

• you can’t have this negative energy
• you need to have positive energy
• what’s wrong with you.
• you talk monotone
• you’re a downer
• you’re always complaining
• you’re attracting the negative – it’s your own fault
• you’re creating your own reality
• etc.

(OK honestly, I don’t even know if it’s other people saying all this, or if I’m saying it to myself).

Needless to say, it all gets me more stuck. And when I’m stuck, I’m REALLY, REALLY STUCK.

What I can see is that I can be however I am: happy, unhappy, moody, tearful, frustrated and the only stigma is what I AM ADDING. Anyone else can have their opinions and who cares?

There is no ONE WAY to be in the world and if you’re not that way, YOU ARE WRONG. There is no BOOK OF RIGHT WAY TO BE.

The only person I need to be ok with is me. And I can be any way I damn well please.

YAY!

Thank you for listening.

I can see lately that I have been thinking very negatively about myself. And my thoughts have seemed very true until yesterday. Here is an exercise that I did with myself to create something NEW AND EMPOWERING. It has given me a new life instead of the old, poor me context.

I am using 3 arenas of life. These are personal so no judging, please.

WORK ARENA

• Chronic Thinking: I am bad at sales. I’m not like everyone else. I can’t close. I can’t do it. Something is wrong with me. It’s hopeless and I feel powerless. My sales haven’t been very good lately so they will never be good again. I’m wasting my time. I can’t learn the scripts or improvise like the good sales people.
• Chronic Evidence: Some days I don’t book an appointment when I’m calling. Some appointments don’t happen. I don’t close every appointment. People are rude when I call. One woman called me a “little abrasive.” (NOTE: I have been using these facts to prove I suck even though this is normal for sales).
• Interruption: I got a bonus for the first quarter for my performance. I won money in last week’s contest for coming in number 4 in the market. I am the longest standing sales manager in the market.
• Something new to tell myself: I am doing fine. I don’t give up. If I just keep collecting more no’s, I’ll get more yes’s. I am great at listening and taking care of people. I love a challenge. I am a hero.

MEN/RELATIONSHIPS/DATING

Chronic Thinking: Men are full of shit. Relationships start out good (some of them) and then turn bad and I can either stay and suffer or get out. The good doesn’t last and I’m an idiot and a dreamer for thinking it could and I can have what I want.

Chronic Evidence: Men have made promises at the beginning that they don’t keep. I am powerless to have what I want because it doesn’t matter what I say. I am happier when I am alone. If I speak up they act like I am high maintenance. Some have lied about being available.

Interruption: I just got out of a relationship where we didn’t want the same things. I am asking men what they want and if they are single. I have more men responding to my profile than I know what to do with. I can keep creating what I want.

Something new to tell myself: Dating and men are fun. I love this. (OK, I have to work on this one). There are an abundance of great men out there and I can enjoy getting to know them. I am excited about finding the one that wants the same things, is willing to work things out, and is up for a great adventure for life.

Note: I want to throw up right now AND, I am looking at what I am trying to prove. Give me a little time on that one.

MY COMITMENT TO THE WORLD – That all people are free to create lives they love.

Chronic Thinking: I can’t do it right. I don’t know what I am doing. I’m an idiot for thinking I can REALLY make a difference.

Chronic Evidence: I am having a hard time registering people into my course. I led an inquiry over the weekend and 2 people didn’t like my second question. Sometimes I feel stupid after sharing.

Interruption: I have led almost two whole courses of my “Getting Unstuck with Hilary” program. People have new lives and are creating what they want. They are unrecognizable. When I coach people, they see something new that creates freedom for them. I make a difference when I share. I say what other people are thinking and it frees them.

Something new to tell myself: I make a difference. The results don’t determine my self worth. I am a courageous pioneer. My exploration transforms people. I am a successful and brilliant creator.

You can try this little exercise at home.

Where do you see that you are proving something negative about yourself? It is easy to gather evidence for that because it’s habitual. What could you gather evidence for that could be empowering? Fill out the 4 sections above in any area where you feel disempowered. Let me know what happens.

NOTE: I’m not saying I don’t have resistance to the new thoughts, especially around men. I can PROVE that I’m right given my past. I just don’t want to prove that anymore.

Please comment about what opens up for you.

Thanks for listening.

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“How was your date?” my friend asked me this morning.

“Well, his wife moved her stuff out last August and he …….”

“What do you mean his wife?” she asked.

“Well, he is not divorced. He gave her a bunch of money but since she still wants her medical benefits, they are separated, not divorced. And since he has no intention of getting married again, he has no plan to get divorced. Plus there was a whole other bunch of weird stuff like he has no place to live, some physical fights he got in, some bouts with the law, and……..”

“That’s incredible,” she interrupted me.

“What?” I asked.

“You always attract the married guys. I attract the guys with kid problems and my other friend attracts alcoholics,” she said.

“Hmmmm…..you’re right. I keep thinking I’m done with that. I wonder why we do that. I don’t like this anymore,” I said.

When we hung up I went on my dating apps. I started texting all of the guys I am currently in dialogue with.

“Are you single? Please be honest.,” I asked them.

Out of about 5, only 1 responded that he has been divorced since 2017.

I don’t know why I am a “clearing” for married and unavailable men or that my friend and her friend are clearings for their type.

All I know is that I am tired of it. And I am going to ask the question that I never thought to ask.

“ARE YOU SINGLE?”

And I’m asking them what they are looking for, too.

Because if we are not looking for the same thing, I don’t want to continue the dialogue.

That is something new that I am saying. And I’m not afraid to say it anymore.

I am GETTING UNSTUCK. And creating the life I want.

Thanks for listening.

To check out my course, click on: http://www.gettingunstuckwithhilary.com

Did the title get you? Maybe I’m exaggerating, but it sure feels like terror.

Why is there terror?

Because tonight I have a DATE.

It’s my second one in a year and a half.

I’ve been looking at why I am so terrorized. I will tell you why:

• because I think I have to be a certain way
• because I can’t be myself because then I will say the wrong thing
• because my real self is not ok
• because my real self is not always funny
• because I might talk about something gross
• because I don’t know what to do
• because I don’t know how to talk to guys
• because I am in a panic and won’t be able to talk
• because I don’t know what to wear
• because maybe he wants someone really thin
• because what if he thinks I am too fat, too high maintenance, boring, anything
• because it’s in 3.5 hours and I am starting to feel sick🛌
• because my stomach hurts – it’s cramping
• because it’s going to rain
• because I don’t know what to do
• because ……..

I think that’s the end. I’m sure there’s more but you get the point. I’m in a panic thinking I have to be a certain way and can’t be myself.

I think it’s from ALL THE YEARS of dating before I got married. My sister would tell me don’t say this, don’t say that, do this, do that. I remember being so nervous trying to remember everything she said that I was basically a wreck.

So here I go again, doing this to myself this time.👎

This is what I am going to create for tonight (assuming there is no tornado the sky is seriously getting dark and there are tornado warnings):

• I can relax
• I can be present👼
• I can get to know this man
• I can be myself

If we like each other, we will meet again. If we don’t, it will have been a nice evening. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?💥

Here’s the only thing. Can you please tell my stomach that? It is still cramping.🤦‍♀️

Thanks for listening.

PS I just found the emojis. I love them.

I had a crush on this guy for a long, long, long, long time. We worked out together. And one day, we found ourselves in an old massage room at the gym. And one thing led to another, and he kissed me!  

It was my fantasy.  I was so excited until we went outside and we started stretching. 

“That was a friend’s kiss,”  he said, 

“Okay,”  I said. 

That night I was really upset.  “After all these years of having a crush on this guy, I finally find out he only likes me as a friend. Isn’t that just great. I better just move on and get over him.”   I was SO disappointed.  I couldn’t sleep at all.  I couldn’t get “friend’s kiss” out of my mind.

The next day, I just happened to be reading a chapter in Success Principles, by Jack Canfield. It said that when you get upset about what someone says or does, “Check it out.” 

The next day, I saw him.  I went up to him and said, “Hey, can I ask you a question?” 

“Sure,” he said. 

“What did you mean by friend’s kiss?” 

“Oh, I just meant that, that was how you would kiss a friend. If we were going to really kiss, it wouldn’t be like that. It would be super special.” 

I took a deep breath, smiling.  “Oh, okay. Because I thought you meant we would only ever be friends.” 

“No, not at all.” 

“Okay. Thank you. Glad I asked.”   I couldn’t stop smiling the whole rest of that day.  I’m sure glad I “checked it out.”  Wow, I never would have come up with that interpretation. Hallelujah.

Now, when someone says something and I get upset about it, I can just ask them what they meant.  What I’ve learned is that my negative and disempowering interpretation HAS NEVER BEEN what they meant by it.  Not even once.  Not even close.  

So if you have something where you’re upset because someone said or did something, I urge you, check it out and say, “Hey, what did you mean by that comment?”

You can even say, “This is what I’m making it mean.”  You don’t HAVE to tell them what you were thinking, but it usually ends up in relief and/or a good laugh

You might find that you don’t even need to be upset at all!

And of course… If you want more educational and fun content…

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Want To Get Unstuck In Your Relationship? Finances? Health? Energy? Or Anything Else?

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