“Do you see what the fix should be?” Sam asked.
“No,” I answered honestly. I really didn’t.
We were reviewing a transcript of one of my video’s that was supposed to be today’s blog post. Sam is my marketing guy.
“You are talking about what happened,” he lectured me. “That doesn’t grab the reader. You need to tell the story as if it’s happening and make it vivid, emotional, entertaining and valuable.”
I watched him, thinking, “fuck you.” I sat with my arms crossed, on zoom, while he kept changing what had been transcribed from the video.
“Here’s the thing,” I told him for the 5th time. “These are transcripts of a video I made. These are not blog posts. They take me longer to edit and rewrite than if I wrote them in the first place.”
“I know,” he said. “You’ve told me that before.”
SO WHAT? I wanted to yell. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. THIS DOESN’T WORK FOR ME. I DON’T HAVE THE TIME TO REWRITE EVERYTHING.
Instead, I just shut down thinking, I don’t give a flying fuck anymore. Do whatever you want to it. I don’t care anymore. “Whatever,” I thought, crossing my arms even tighter.
He didn’t continued to edit. Finally, after about a half hour, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I have to go,” I said a few times..
“OK,” he finally answered
Before I could blink the screen said, “Meeting ended by host.”
“Wow, that was abrupt,” I thought.
That was earlier today. I tried to rewrite the blog post but it really sucked so I stopped.
I took a walk, allowing myself to have my thoughts and not resist them:
- fuck him
- I don’t want to do this
- I don’t know how to do this
- I’m not making money like I was supposed to but that was ok, because I was having fun recording videos and writing blogs
- This is no longer fun
- I’m done
- I’m quitting
- Fuck him
- If I was so bad, why didn’t he tell me months ago?
- Why have I wasted my time up until now?
- I paid money for this
- I’m quitting
Here’s the problem. This is where I’m supposed to turn this blog into an empowering inspirational lesson. AND I STILL DON’T WANT TO STOP MAKING HIM AND MYSELF WRONG!!!
OK, fine. I’ll do it anyway. Here’s what I’ll say.
- maybe I’m not good at doing it this new way
- maybe I can just practice and allow myself to learn
- instead of interpreting Sam’s help as “I suck,” I can interpret it as “he’s helping me get better”
- it’s ok that I don’t know how to rewrite that other blog
- it’s ok to be bad before you can be good
- I don’t have to make it mean that EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DONE SUCKS AND I have no value as a person whatsover
- and, it doesn’t help that I drank too much wine yesterday and feel like crap
Tomorrow is another day. THIS blog post is for me. I use these posts to create freedom so I can get out of my funk and stop making all of this wrong. I’m not posting it to FACEBOOK or anything. SO THERE, SAM!!! It’s just for me.
And if you happen to relate to any of it, great.
Thanks for listening.