Today I was on the spinning bike at the gym and I had a thought that might make an interesting blog discussion.

Before I go into it, an aside: It’s National Donut Day!!

“If I get my daughter a Boston Cream today, will it still be fresh on Sunday when she arrives?” I asked the driveway through voice.

“No. It won’t be any good.” the voice answered.

“OK, I’ll get the one that I like then. A chocolate glazed.”

FYI, it’s still sitting in the bag. I’m just thinking about eating it. Personally if I’m going to eat a donut it’s going to be from the Orgasmic Donut Shop (not it’s real name) in Westport. That’s how I swore off Dunkin Donuts. If I’m going to eat a donut, it’s going to be Orgasmic.

Back to my thought. I was on the individual spinning bike. Not in a spinning class. Another aside: I have an app called Aaptiv. I can pick the type of workout, the length of time, the level, and the kind of music. It has everything from running to meditation and stretching. It’s great because they tell you what to do, pick the music, and you can do it anytime you want for as long as you want. I love it. It’s fun and always different and I don’t have to figure my workouts out myself which is fabulous.

Anyway, today it was a 30 minute intermediate Rock routine. I was pedalling along to music from my youth, having fun, when a young guy walked by. I smiled. He barely registered my presence.

“That’s because I’m old,” I immediately thought. “I’m sure it’s because of my wrinkles. If I was young with smooth skin, he would have smiled back.”

That was automatic thinking. I looked around for some older men to see if they would smile at me. There weren’t any close enough. The ones at the other end probably couldn’t see me anyway since there vision is probably bad. (That’s supposed to be funny).

First of all, I don’t know why the guy didn’t smile back. He might have had gas, been thinking about something, or just not paying attention.

Second of all, before the reason was my age (since I’m turning freaking 60 on Tuesday), it was because I was FAT. And when I was at my thinner weight, it was because I didn’t wear make-up, hadn’t brushed my hair, had varicose veins or something else.

There’s always been a negative explanation about myself. Since I was small.

I just remembered a time when I was in about third grade. A policeman smiled at me when I was crossing the street.

“That’s because my pea coat is long and covers the fat part of my legs. He couldn’t see the rest of me. He didn’t know who I REALLY WAS and that I was unworthy of his smile. If he only knew.”

That was at 8 or 9. Isn’t that amazing? These thoughts are not new. “Being too Old” is just a NEW REASON.

I thought that was interesting. It’s the same smile or no smile, just 50 freaking years later.

As if they are actually responding to me. As if they are actually aware of me.

I am going to play a game. (If I remember this!) I am going to smile at as many people as I can in a natural way. Not forced. I am going to talk to as many people as I can in a natural way. I am going to make their day by taking notice of them as a human.

I am getting moved. This will be MY birthday present to ME. To make other people’s days. To not worry about what they think of me, but to go on the offense in terms of treating them specially. Why not spread love and happiness instead of worry and doubt? Why not?

This is actually very cool. I never know what my fingers will type in this blog. I kind of just let them go. It’s fun and freeing for me to get to the other side of my thinking. And create a possibility that didn’t exist at the top of the page.

So thanks for listening and have a HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!

I was on a roll.

I planned my 60th birthday party. I invited people.

I was excited for the first time to design my birthday so I can get “exactly what I want” for the first time in my life. I was speaking up and asking. I was feeling proud.

All it took was one comment to ruin my mojo.

“You can’t do that.”

The person was referring to the part on the invite that my daughter designed that says bring a snack and a drink. At the time I thought it was fine.

The commenting person who shall be nameless told me his/her opinion about that.

• you don’t know what people will bring
• what are you going to do with it all
• you have no room to do this
• YOU CAN’T DO THIS

I told said person to stop saying can’t. I was very calm about it. I thought I handled it well. Held my own.

But, since then, I can see that I have started wanting to numb myself with food and alcohol. Tonight I found myself staring at a huge magnum bottle of white wine in my fridge. I was thinking it would be a good idea to drink a major part of it. I wondered why.

I actually made a conscious choice not to. That is a miracle. It made me ask myself what was going on.

Since the comment I’ve been doubting myself.

My style of party is to have fun. Don’t be uptight. It will work out. People will be great.

Said person’s style is different obviously.

I let this comment take over my brain, my ability to trust myself, and send me into a world of doubt, insecurity, and worry. I’ve gotten “crazy.” Why?

Good question.

It’s an old pattern from childhood: other people know better than me. I can’t trust myself. I need to ask everyone else for their opinions since I don’t know.

Well, I’m giving that up. My party will be great. People will bring what they bring. I will find someone competent to work that night and I and everyone will have a great time.

I think this happens when I am going out of my comfort zone. For the party it is asking for what I want.

The same thing is happening with a book proposal that I submitted yesterday. I impulsively filled out a book proposal online and submitted it to a potential agent. I didn’t take the time to make sure it was great since I couldn’t save it and needed to leave for a meeting. I just hit SEND.

Today I got a form email back saying how busy they are and that they probably won’t even acknowledge my submission. That unless I am famous or have a REALLY great reason why they should read my book, forget it.

Of course I am paraphrasing but it also made me start doubting EVERYTHING.

But now, after writing this blog, I am feeling better and getting back my power. How dare they lump me in with every other Tom, Dick or Harry submitting a book?

Fuck them. They are arrogant book people.

AND THEY ARE NOT GOING TO STOP ME!!! THEY ARE GOING TO REGRET THEIR QUICK RESPONSE WHEN I AM A BEST SELLING AUTHOR!!

(Did I just say that? Yes, I think I YELLED IT!! Well, why not? It’s better than doubt, timidity and GOING CRAZY!!)

Well, isn’t it?

Have a great night!

Disclaimer: this is an attempt to make a stressful evening funny!

Yesterday I created the possibility of peace. I had a wonderful evening on my deck with my mom. I listened, I was patient. I was calm. I loved it. I was filled with love and appreciation.

She left to go home. I was getting ready for bed. I was happy to be getting a nice relaxing night of sleep. I got into bed and turned on my meditation.

“BZZZZZZZ!” I swatted frantically at the noise. I sat up, swatting like crazy. I turned on the light. I looked. I found a mosquito and squashed it on the wall. It was disgusting, but I got it.

Just so you know, I HATE BUGS!!! I like the winter because there are none around. Once summer comes, I go crazy, shutting the screens like a maniac so the bugs can’t come in. Once they get in, I can’t relax. I don’t know why, but it’s true. But I got the guy, so I figured the coast was clear.

I put my meditation back on, even though I was now in anxiety mode instead of calm and peace. Breathe in through the nose, breathe out through the mouth. My heart was returning to normal. My body was starting to relax.

“BZZZZZZZZ.” “DAMN IT!” I yelled, swatting like crazy.

I jumped out of bed and turned on the lights. I couldn’t find the second little fucker. THIS WAS NOW WAR. Then I saw him. I slashed at the wall but he was too fast for me. My heart was beating out of my chest. I was now too wired for sleep.

I thought back to the Abraham Hicks/Law of Attraction Emotional chart that we had been discussing last night.

I was down at the bottom of the negative spiral. FEAR MIXED WITH REVENGE.

The advice is to accept the emotion instead of resisting it.

“OK, I’m in fear. It’s ok. Relax.” I visualized a happy moment attempting to go straight to the top of the upward spiral. Joy. I’m feeling joyful.

It didn’t work. I put the lights back on and decided I needed to kill the damn mosquito.

I just couldn’t catch him.

Finally I decided to sleep on the couch outside of my little bedroom cubicle. I left the light on in my bedroom so that he would think I was coming back and stay there. I brought my pillow and blankets to the couch. I covered myself in pants, socks and blankets even though it was warm and I was sweating. I didn’t care. I didn’t want any skin exposed. I pulled the blanket over my head.

I was ready. I waited for the buzzing. None. I needed to go on the offensive.

I went back to my bedroom. There he was. I swatted but he was too fast for me. Finally I went back to the couch.

I lied there. My heart was still racing. My whole body was rigid.

“Why was I so afraid?” It felt like I had to be on HIGH ALERT. I WAS READY. I looked into my past to see if there was an incident that caused this brain pattern. The only one I could think of was that I had to be on high alert when my kids were little. I was told scary stories about bad men stealing kids. The mothers never saw them again. That was enough to make me VIGILANT.

But a bug? It didn’t make sense. I tried to calm down but I couldn’t.

I tried my worry techniques. “What’s the worst thing that could happen? He buzzes by my head and then bites me. It wasn’t fatal, just annoying. So what was the big deal?

I still don’t now. It went WAY beyond that. I just had to be ready. I had to stay ALERT. I couldn’t ALLOW myself to relax. Maybe it was from another lifetime. I don’t really know.

I figured eventually I would exhaust myself and fall asleep. Hours later I did. I did not wake up rested as you can imagine. In the morning, I decided to be daring and went back to my bed to try to sleep for a few minutes. I didn’t see the bastard, but I still pulled the sheet over my head. There was no buzzing. I slept for a few minutes.

It does seem a little ridiculous. A grown woman afraid of a little mosquito. But it’s true. I hate that BZZZZZZ SOUND. It makes me violent. I’m going to accept that instead of resist it.

I don’t know what I will do tonight. Maybe I will go to my mom’s.

Oh – there’s the little bastard now by the sink. Gotta go try to get him!!!! See ya!!!!

OMG

In the last 45 minutes, I was yawning and watching the clock.

We went into breakout sessions to practice sharing what we got out of the Course on Sharing. It consisted of two weekends a couple of months apart, and an hour each Saturday in between. I didn’t think I had anything to say.

Until a few people shared what they got. My eyes started misting.

“I’ll go,” I said. “What I got is the possibility of peace. My whole life has been running after my to do list. I haven’t had time to talk to people. If someone talked too long or too slow they were an idiot that I didn’t have time for. Now I am so relaxed that I am yawning. I can finally just sit and listen without trying to control everything and make sure we “get the jog done.”

A few other people shared.

“I have some more,” I said. “I also can create the possibility of love. My mother has been one of those people that I didn’t have time for. I hated that that’s how it was for me, but I didn’t know how to change it. Now, I can hear everything she says as a contribution. And also hear everything as love. For the first time, I am really looking forward to seeing her. I am not going to be in a rush. I am going to just sit and listen. Or share with her. She is 89, and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to say that for.”

Of course I was crying. As I wiped my eyes and nose I felt the difference in my whole body. The stress was gone. The anxiety was gone. The need to control things and be upset if someone was talking too long was gone. The need for it to “be fair” was gone.

All that was left was peace and love. I don’t think I’ve ever been so relaxed and connected to the human race.

Other interesting notes:

One woman shared that she created the possibility of being loved completely and hearing everything as an expression of love. This resonated with me.

Another comment was that “we are being our listening.” So I interpret that as if I listen from something is wrong, then I am being that. If I listen from I’m afraid I’m annoying, I’m being annoying. Not sure about this one, just gave me food for thought.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring in this new state? The opportunity to create a possibility is when we are threatened by our usual stuff, and living in our familiar survival mode. For me it’s when I think I am being criticized or disapproved of. Now this will be an opportunity to listen to everything as a contribution and expression of love. Could be easy if I say so. Everything can be easy and fun if I say so.

Life is going to be fun and easy!!!!!! Why the f—k not?

I wanted to write a blog called “Switchboard of Importance,” but I didn’t have time this week.

Hence this blog instead.

Today is Friday and I was so excited that it’s the weekend. It’s been a really busy week. I couldn’t wait to have some time to:

• take a breath
• relax
• read
• pay bills
• get organized
• plan my week
• catch up on my numbers for next week
• ……..

And really just let my hair down. Sounds great, right?

Then I realized that this weekend AND the next weekend I am completely booked up. Now, mind you, I chose these activities. I enjoy these activities.

And yet, here I am, in my mind, wondering how I’m going to “survive” the weekend, “survive” the next week, “survive the next weekend, etc……….

Like I’m rowing a boat across the Atlantic and there is no end in sight. I will ENDURE the next two weeks because I don’t have a block of time for myself. Victimized by my own schedule that I put together. Suffering through it as if it has been DONE to me.

Interesting, right?

I’ll be in my beach house, listening to the waves and watching the water, doing something I find fascinating, with people I love to spend time with, AND YET…….it seems like I can’t be happy because I can’t see a two hour block of time to do what I need to do.

The reason I’m writing this is to see how I can Create My Life the way I want it, instead of suffering through it unconsciously.

• I can enjoy my morning time that I DO have before things get started
• I can make a list of what will make me feel productive to do even though I’m busy
• I can talk to my friends about what I’m up to and see if they know resources that I can network with to further my projects along
• I can listen to them and create more connection and love
• I can CONSIDER signing up for a dating site (I’m not saying I will, but a guy friend told me about a free one that he is enjoying – again, no promises)
• I can stop worrying about my messy home or whether I bought the right food
• I can sit outside when I want to
• I can work on my puzzle when I want to
• I can ask for help with my party that’s coming up in two weeks
• I can freak out about my upcoming BIG birthday if I damn well need to and I don’t have to listen to people say it’s no big deal, be happy, etc. – FUCK THAT
• I can BE FREE – which to me means be any which way I am at the moment – and NOT LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE WHO TELL ME TO BE ANOTHER WAY (yes, I am yelling) – BEING FREE to me is being how I am, not how I think I should be, how someone else thinks I should be, how I think I should be so no one gets mad, annoyed, upset, etc. Worrying about this stuff has caused me a lot of stress for no apparent reason, plus it’s impossible to keep other people happy. I know, I’ve tried and it doesn’t EVEN work…………ok, I’ll stop. Let’s try it again.
• I can BE FREE. Trust myself. Accept how I am as perfect.

Well, this has been helpful. A new way to look at my BUSY weekend. Free, fun, connected, discovering……….

And, I can always go back to victim, suffering, worried, enduring, and surviving if I want to. Or if I just forget I have a choice.

Have a great weekend. Or not.

Ever have one of those days when it seemed that every thing you did was a problem? Well, today I did.

First I missed two of my boss’s calls conference calls that were moved to today since we didn’t work yesterday. OOOPS!

Then I tried to help someone and instead of helping, I got her upset. She screamed at my boss who then screamed at me. Then she voiced her upset at me again. It sucked. Then, my boss called me this afternoon just to make sure to tell me about how what I did was SO WRONG!!!!!

Then something I did was also semi-criticized which just added to my pile of stuff.

Then my daughter’s car needed $1000 of work and guess who gets to pay?

Should I add more to this list? Why not?

I was up 2.2 pounds at Weight Watchers – so much for having that under control!!!

My credit cards are higher than they’ve been in a while – so glad to add the car repair!!

I didn’t make any new appointments for work and about 5 got cancelled for this week so that’s a net negative in productivity.

My mother, bless her heart, was asking me all sorts of questions that I just didn’t have any coping mechanism left to deal with so I jumped all over her. Now I feel like a major bitch who screams at 89 year old women. What a peach I am!!!

Actually, if I think about it, I was in a crazy mode last Tuesday as well. It must be a Tuesday thing. Great, I’ll blame it on Tuesdays and just stay in bed next week. That will help, right?

WRONG!!!! Right now nothing will help. I just want to whine and complain and get all this poisonous spewing out.

My son is coming over with pizza. He did ask if it was ok. I said yes even though it’s the last thing I should be eating.

But since I don’t care since nothing is good, I might as well eat it. Why not get fatter? (I’m actually laughing now as I reread this).

This is actually fun. All the things I don’t say are coming out. This is “Saying What Can’t Be Said.” This is really bad stuff. I’m a complaining negative bitch who made lots of mistakes today.

Maybe that means I’m PLAYING BIG!!! I’ve got lots of stuff going on. I can’t handle all the balls in the air. That’s a positive spin, isn’t it!!!

And, a miracle. My son’s friend wants to ask the Dean of her College (at Yale) if I can speak to the students. That was unsolicited. And what I want to do is speak.

How amazing is that!!!

So I guess the whole day wasn’t for shit, it just SEEMS that way. Easier to see it it as ALL BAD when I’m into my negative nastiness.

I used to get very negative when I had PMS. I used to actually say all the nasty things I usually only thought. Now I think that maybe the PMS me was the REAL ME. The rest of the time I was pretending to be a nice, good person.

The REAL me actually has opinions and nastiness. It’s actually way more fun than being the PRETENDER.

So,……….has this been helpful? It has for me. Hope I haven’t brought you down!!!!!

I’m getting ready for the pizza!!!!! Have a great f——g TUESDAY!!!!!

“Tell everyone you finished your book,” Willa said.

“But I finished it December 31, 2012. This isn’t really new. It’s been going on for SEVEN years.”

“I don’t care. It’s important to tell people you finished it. Dwell in the accomplishment. You really did just finish it. It’s a different book now.”

I guess. It’s hard. I want to just fluff it off by saying well, I finished it before and I’ve just been rewriting it. What’s the big deal?

But Willa was adamant. (I hope she doesn’t mind me using her real name.)

I had been looking for someone to read through my book for a long time. I had others help me with it. I took writing classes, hired editors, and had Maryann, who worked with me for over a year get to a certain point.

Maryann was the one who asked me: “Why didn’t you speak up?” in my marriage which has jettisoned me into a fascinating inquiry about why people don’t speak up. I appreciate all she did for me.

But I still wasn’t satisfied. When I read through it after Maryann’s final edit, there were parts that I was unsure of. I really wanted someone to go through it with me word for word. I asked a bunch of people and Willa was the one who said yes for the right price and the right intention.

We just finished going through it today. Willa blew belief in me through out the process and told me it was good. “Really good.”

It was hard to read through it. I cried when I needed to cry. Had my tissues with me and a garbage can. There were parts I could barely read without sobbing. But I got through it. And I liked it.

“And it’s not a memoir. It’s something else. It’s inspiring. It’s motivating. It’s real,” Willa kept saying.

And it is. And I can actually say that. And I’m proud and tickled and excited.

I don’t know the next steps yet. But I am in the inquiry. I am leaning into the unknown.

I just wanted you all to know. Even though I’m not even sure of the final title.

I’ll keep you posted. If you know any literary agents or publishers looking for inspiring stories, please let me know.

More to come………..

PS For anyone looking for someone to help you with your writing, please let me know. I will pass on Willa’s information to you. She is awesome.

OK, I came home from the gym feeling like a failure.

I had told myself I would flirt today.

I did my workout and was leaving the gym realizing I had not done it. I had said hi to two guys I knew, and half smiled at another, but I didn’t think those counted. Desperate, I said goodbye to one of the employees who was sitting at a desk right by the door.

“Does that count?” I wondered. “Do the hi’s and goodbye’s count?”

I saw myself starting my negative monologue:

• I’m a failure
• I’ll never have a relationship
• I don’t even know how to flirt
• There’s 7 billion people in the world and I’m the only pathetic creature who can’t even say hi in a flirting way or start a conversation with a man I think is attractive
• Not only do I not flirt, I can barely look at them
• Well, why should I? They’ll think an old lady is hitting on them
• They’ll think I’m fat (of course)
• There’s thousands of younger, thinner females there, why would I THINK I SHOULD flirt with them
• I should just give up – I’m fine by myself
• This is too much stress

I went to the gas station to fill up. There was a man holding a tank of something. Here’s my chance I thought.

“Hi” I said.

“Hi” he said.

It was as if I was speaking a foreign language trying to put together the next sentence. By the time I thought of “what’s in the can?,” his car had disappeared down the road.

I drove home feeling hopeless.

Wait a second, I thought. This isn’t my last day to try this. I just have to practice. Next time I can add a smile to my hi. And maybe even a wink.

No, I’m not ready for the wink. Tomorrow I will just try smiling. I know I can flirt and wink and do crazy stuff when I know the guy and he is not available. The hard part is with strangers I find attractive.

Maybe I can just pretend they are like my married friends and be myself. That would be a novel concept.

I can see I get all serious and try to get it right. I freeze and become a serious working out zombie. It’s not fun, not really me and I’m just trying to complete the task instead of making a connection.

Tomorrow I will add fun. FUN and FLIRTING. The thought of it makes me nervous. That’s very interesting. I guess my whole identity, driveway incident, life is on the line. What if they don’t respond? What if they give me a dirty look? What if they go tell their friends that this FOUL (Fat old ugly loser) is hitting on them? They will have a great laugh at my expense.

And what if they do? Or what if I meet a great guy? Neither one will kill me, and the second is what I’m looking for.

OK, glad I distinguished my fear. Tomorrow is a new day TO PRACTICE!!!!!!

FUN AND FLIRTING!!

Enjoy your Memorial Day!!!

OK, my initiative is Saying What Can’t Be Said. So even though the following seems true for me at this moment, I am 1000% sure I shouldn’t write it.

I’m afraid of the comment/criticisms I will get. So I will say them to get them out of the way:

• Well if it bothers you, why don’t you do something about it?
• It’s your own fault. No one else has done this to you.
• You’re right. You’re an old ugly fat loser (FOUL)
• Save your breath, there’s nothing you will ever do about this. You’ve been talking about it for 40 plus years.
• It’s true. So what. Get over it.
• And the best: This too will pass – this was an actual comment on my newly initiated instagram. It sounds like this person didn’t know I was being funny. Her comment stuck in my craw. “You just doesn’t understand/fuck you” is what I wanted to say. Instead I said “thank you, it’s great to hear from you.” Am I phony or what? Am I still not speaking up? I’d say a GIANT YES.

But that’s not what this is about. Or is it? We shall see.

My preamble done, this is what I want to talk about:

I looked in the mirror this morning and didn’t like what I saw. It’s all in my mind, I told myself, don’t get crazy.

But then, this afternoon, I got into my bathing suit so I could sit outside on my deck. Again, I caught my reflection in the mirror. OMG, I thought. I am totally unequivocably disgusting. Totally gross. Shouldn’t live. How did this happen? How did I kid myself all this time? Last week I was in my bathing suit in public. How could I have done that? I was thinking I didn’t look so bad. Even my daughter said I looked good and she doesn’t lie. Was I just kidding myself? Why wasn’t I harpooned?

I wanted to throw up. I went outside. (No one was outside to see me.)

I closed my eyes. I wanted to get to the bottom of this.

When I was born, there was no such thing as a disgusting body. When did I learn that fat was disgusting?

An image appeared in my mind – at my parents annual dental fourth of July party when we were little. There was a little boy running. It wasn’t even me. His belly fat folded over on itself. I think he was chasing the big kids and they were ignoring him.

I think I made a decision about fat. If you have enough fat that it folds over itself, you are disgusting and people will run from you. No one wants you around. You might as well die. You shouldn’t exist.

That’s it. So when I saw the fat fold on my back, I put that one on myself. I’m disgusting, no one can want me, and I might as well die. It’s real loathing for me. Since I gained my last 5 pounds I’ve noticed it. And I’ve hated it.

I got smart, though. I bought dresses and shirts that are loose around my back and belly. So no one knows. I could pretend that I wasn’t TOTALLY gross as long as no one could see. But I knew. I knew I was hiding it. And it’s been a private shame that I got good at hiding. And now I’m going public. So I can have some freedom. And I don’t think I should say this, that’s why I am. To maybe free someone else.

Now that I’ve shared this awful secret, I can create something new. What can it be?

I have heard lately on my podcasts that we are NOT our bodies. We are souls inhabiting a body.

So if I am not my body, I am perfect as I am. I am merely borrowing this shell for this lifetime.

What do I get by hiding, suffering and being ashamed?

I get to be right that there is something wrong with me and I am unlovable.

---

I had to take a break after seeing that. And I just put shorts on which cover up the rolls so I feel better.

Oops, that’s not the point. I am creating freedom here. I get to be right and the cost is that I stay separate from people and don’t get to create a life I love.

Can I accept other people who have fat rolls? Sure.

Can I accept that fat rolls have no inherent meaning. That I’ve collapsed fat with disgust, shame, and not being ok or accepted?

Can I give up my story about it? That my parents didn’t love me when I was fat? That I had to earn their love and a bicycle in third grade by losing ten pounds? That I am unworthy as I am? Can I actually give this up?

Or do I want to hang on to it? So I can suffer.

Hold on…….I need to have a good little cry right now. To think what I have been doing to myself all these years, thinking that fat REALLY is disgusting and worthy of self-hatred. I distinguished it in my book, but obviously have held onto it anyway.

No wonder I’ve been happy to stay on my own. I’m safe here. No one can see it and know how shameful I am for these five pounds. It has been real for me, despite how I pretended to be happy and wonderful and great.

I know this is a long blog, but I needed to work through this. I have 7-8 followers. I don’t know why the number is sometimes 7 and sometimes 8, but I thank you all for reading my stuff. I hope it makes a difference for you. It certainly makes a difference for me to be able to “say what I definitely don’t think I should say.”

Thank you for accompanying me on my journey to freedom and beyond.

What I am creating is freedom – no matter what I see in the mirror. And even though I can see I’m not quite free yet, I am at least aware. And that is the first step.

One step at a time.

I’ve got 12 minutes to write this.

I have to get on the road for work, but I’m in a familiar funk.

So here goes – let’s see if I can create some freedom………….

I was away, had a great time, was my new possibility of being happy, connected, loving life, patient and even flexible for the first time in my life.

I wasn’t a rigid, uptight, planned to the minute person. It was very enjoyable.

Even when I got back at 2:00 AM and got up at 5:30 to get to the gym before work. I was taking it all in stride Monday morning.

Somewhere along the day when my internet took two hours to get fixed, I couldn’t get to sleep that night, and I had the major fight yesterday with my family, I got fucked up.

I’m not feeling the joy, flexibility or patience anymore. I’m back in being scheduled every minute and don’t mess up my plan. This is serious and I HAVE TO WORK!!! SOMEONE HAS TO!!!

Like I have to suffer. I have to be righteous. I have to make certain members of my family wrong for NOT being scheduled, for enjoying their life, for NOT WORKING!!!

I can’t help my opinion that enjoying their life not working is WRONG.

But maybe it’s me. Maybe I don’t have to be so uptight (ya think?).

Maybe I don’t have to be on vacation to enjoy myself, be patient, and be flexible.

It’s just the way I have done things in the past. I don’t have to continue that way.

My daughter is passing through on her way from New York to New Hampshire. Could I be flexible enough to get to see her even though I have a full day of work planned?

What would that take for me to be pleasant instead of already put upon?

Could I forgive myself for how I’ve been? Could I forgive myself for not being as relaxed as I was on vacation? Not ready to blurt out I’m HAPPY at any second? Resigned about relationships and things ever being different?

Good questions. I wish I had more time to dwell in this. But it’s been helpful to get it out. I was just miserably making myself wrong and it sucked. So, getting it out here helps me.

What can you say that would free you? Just wondering………..