OK, I came home from the gym feeling like a failure.
I had told myself I would flirt today.
I did my workout and was leaving the gym realizing I had not done it. I had said hi to two guys I knew, and half smiled at another, but I didn’t think those counted. Desperate, I said goodbye to one of the employees who was sitting at a desk right by the door.
“Does that count?” I wondered. “Do the hi’s and goodbye’s count?”
I saw myself starting my negative monologue:
- I’m a failure
- I’ll never have a relationship
- I don’t even know how to flirt
- There’s 7 billion people in the world and I’m the only pathetic creature who can’t even say hi in a flirting way or start a conversation with a man I think is attractive
- Not only do I not flirt, I can barely look at them
- Well, why should I? They’ll think an old lady is hitting on them
- They’ll think I’m fat (of course)
- There’s thousands of younger, thinner females there, why would I THINK I SHOULD flirt with them
- I should just give up – I’m fine by myself
- This is too much stress
I went to the gas station to fill up. There was a man holding a tank of something. Here’s my chance I thought.
“Hi” I said.
“Hi” he said.
It was as if I was speaking a foreign language trying to put together the next sentence. By the time I thought of “what’s in the can?,” his car had disappeared down the road.
I drove home feeling hopeless.
Wait a second, I thought. This isn’t my last day to try this. I just have to practice. Next time I can add a smile to my hi. And maybe even a wink.
No, I’m not ready for the wink. Tomorrow I will just try smiling. I know I can flirt and wink and do crazy stuff when I know the guy and he is not available. The hard part is with strangers I find attractive.
Maybe I can just pretend they are like my married friends and be myself. That would be a novel concept.
I can see I get all serious and try to get it right. I freeze and become a serious working out zombie. It’s not fun, not really me and I’m just trying to complete the task instead of making a connection.
Tomorrow I will add fun. FUN and FLIRTING. The thought of it makes me nervous. That’s very interesting. I guess my whole identity, driveway incident, life is on the line. What if they don’t respond? What if they give me a dirty look? What if they go tell their friends that this FOUL (Fat old ugly loser) is hitting on them? They will have a great laugh at my expense.
And what if they do? Or what if I meet a great guy? Neither one will kill me, and the second is what I’m looking for.
OK, glad I distinguished my fear. Tomorrow is a new day TO PRACTICE!!!!!!
FUN AND FLIRTING!!
Enjoy your Memorial Day!!!
Creating Life Out Here 