Disclaimer: this is an attempt to make a stressful evening funny!
Yesterday I created the possibility of peace. I had a wonderful evening on my deck with my mom. I listened, I was patient. I was calm. I loved it. I was filled with love and appreciation.
She left to go home. I was getting ready for bed. I was happy to be getting a nice relaxing night of sleep. I got into bed and turned on my meditation.
“BZZZZZZZ!” I swatted frantically at the noise. I sat up, swatting like crazy. I turned on the light. I looked. I found a mosquito and squashed it on the wall. It was disgusting, but I got it.
Just so you know, I HATE BUGS!!! I like the winter because there are none around. Once summer comes, I go crazy, shutting the screens like a maniac so the bugs can’t come in. Once they get in, I can’t relax. I don’t know why, but it’s true. But I got the guy, so I figured the coast was clear.
I put my meditation back on, even though I was now in anxiety mode instead of calm and peace. Breathe in through the nose, breathe out through the mouth. My heart was returning to normal. My body was starting to relax.
“BZZZZZZZZ.” “DAMN IT!” I yelled, swatting like crazy.
I jumped out of bed and turned on the lights. I couldn’t find the second little fucker. THIS WAS NOW WAR. Then I saw him. I slashed at the wall but he was too fast for me. My heart was beating out of my chest. I was now too wired for sleep.
I thought back to the Abraham Hicks/Law of Attraction Emotional chart that we had been discussing last night.
I was down at the bottom of the negative spiral. FEAR MIXED WITH REVENGE.
The advice is to accept the emotion instead of resisting it.
“OK, I’m in fear. It’s ok. Relax.” I visualized a happy moment attempting to go straight to the top of the upward spiral. Joy. I’m feeling joyful.
It didn’t work. I put the lights back on and decided I needed to kill the damn mosquito.
I just couldn’t catch him.
Finally I decided to sleep on the couch outside of my little bedroom cubicle. I left the light on in my bedroom so that he would think I was coming back and stay there. I brought my pillow and blankets to the couch. I covered myself in pants, socks and blankets even though it was warm and I was sweating. I didn’t care. I didn’t want any skin exposed. I pulled the blanket over my head.
I was ready. I waited for the buzzing. None. I needed to go on the offensive.
I went back to my bedroom. There he was. I swatted but he was too fast for me. Finally I went back to the couch.
I lied there. My heart was still racing. My whole body was rigid.
“Why was I so afraid?” It felt like I had to be on HIGH ALERT. I WAS READY. I looked into my past to see if there was an incident that caused this brain pattern. The only one I could think of was that I had to be on high alert when my kids were little. I was told scary stories about bad men stealing kids. The mothers never saw them again. That was enough to make me VIGILANT.
But a bug? It didn’t make sense. I tried to calm down but I couldn’t.
I tried my worry techniques. “What’s the worst thing that could happen? He buzzes by my head and then bites me. It wasn’t fatal, just annoying. So what was the big deal?
I still don’t now. It went WAY beyond that. I just had to be ready. I had to stay ALERT. I couldn’t ALLOW myself to relax. Maybe it was from another lifetime. I don’t really know.
I figured eventually I would exhaust myself and fall asleep. Hours later I did. I did not wake up rested as you can imagine. In the morning, I decided to be daring and went back to my bed to try to sleep for a few minutes. I didn’t see the bastard, but I still pulled the sheet over my head. There was no buzzing. I slept for a few minutes.
It does seem a little ridiculous. A grown woman afraid of a little mosquito. But it’s true. I hate that BZZZZZZ SOUND. It makes me violent. I’m going to accept that instead of resist it.
I don’t know what I will do tonight. Maybe I will go to my mom’s.
Oh – there’s the little bastard now by the sink. Gotta go try to get him!!!! See ya!!!!