I was on a roll.
I planned my 60th birthday party. I invited people.
I was excited for the first time to design my birthday so I can get “exactly what I want” for the first time in my life. I was speaking up and asking. I was feeling proud.
All it took was one comment to ruin my mojo.
“You can’t do that.”
The person was referring to the part on the invite that my daughter designed that says bring a snack and a drink. At the time I thought it was fine.
The commenting person who shall be nameless told me his/her opinion about that.
- you don’t know what people will bring
- what are you going to do with it all
- you have no room to do this
- YOU CAN’T DO THIS
I told said person to stop saying can’t. I was very calm about it. I thought I handled it well. Held my own.
But, since then, I can see that I have started wanting to numb myself with food and alcohol. Tonight I found myself staring at a huge magnum bottle of white wine in my fridge. I was thinking it would be a good idea to drink a major part of it. I wondered why.
I actually made a conscious choice not to. That is a miracle. It made me ask myself what was going on.
Since the comment I’ve been doubting myself.
My style of party is to have fun. Don’t be uptight. It will work out. People will be great.
Said person’s style is different obviously.
I let this comment take over my brain, my ability to trust myself, and send me into a world of doubt, insecurity, and worry. I’ve gotten “crazy.” Why?
It’s an old pattern from childhood: other people know better than me. I can’t trust myself. I need to ask everyone else for their opinions since I don’t know.
Well, I’m giving that up. My party will be great. People will bring what they bring. I will find someone competent to work that night and I and everyone will have a great time.
I think this happens when I am going out of my comfort zone. For the party it is asking for what I want.
The same thing is happening with a book proposal that I submitted yesterday. I impulsively filled out a book proposal online and submitted it to a potential agent. I didn’t take the time to make sure it was great since I couldn’t save it and needed to leave for a meeting. I just hit SEND.
Today I got a form email back saying how busy they are and that they probably won’t even acknowledge my submission. That unless I am famous or have a REALLY great reason why they should read my book, forget it.
Of course I am paraphrasing but it also made me start doubting EVERYTHING.
But now, after writing this blog, I am feeling better and getting back my power. How dare they lump me in with every other Tom, Dick or Harry submitting a book?
Fuck them. They are arrogant book people.
AND THEY ARE NOT GOING TO STOP ME!!! THEY ARE GOING TO REGRET THEIR QUICK RESPONSE WHEN I AM A BEST SELLING AUTHOR!!
(Did I just say that? Yes, I think I YELLED IT!! Well, why not? It’s better than doubt, timidity and GOING CRAZY!!)
Well, isn’t it?
Have a great night!