This Is Not New

I’ve got 12 minutes to write this.

I have to get on the road for work, but I’m in a familiar funk.

So here goes – let’s see if I can create some freedom………….

I was away, had a great time, was my new possibility of being happy, connected, loving life, patient and even flexible for the first time in my life.

I wasn’t a rigid, uptight, planned to the minute person. It was very enjoyable.

Even when I got back at 2:00 AM and got up at 5:30 to get to the gym before work. I was taking it all in stride Monday morning.

Somewhere along the day when my internet took two hours to get fixed, I couldn’t get to sleep that night, and I had the major fight yesterday with my family, I got fucked up.

I’m not feeling the joy, flexibility or patience anymore. I’m back in being scheduled every minute and don’t mess up my plan. This is serious and I HAVE TO WORK!!! SOMEONE HAS TO!!!

Like I have to suffer. I have to be righteous. I have to make certain members of my family wrong for NOT being scheduled, for enjoying their life, for NOT WORKING!!!

I can’t help my opinion that enjoying their life not working is WRONG.

But maybe it’s me. Maybe I don’t have to be so uptight (ya think?).

Maybe I don’t have to be on vacation to enjoy myself, be patient, and be flexible.

It’s just the way I have done things in the past. I don’t have to continue that way.

My daughter is passing through on her way from New York to New Hampshire. Could I be flexible enough to get to see her even though I have a full day of work planned?

What would that take for me to be pleasant instead of already put upon?

Could I forgive myself for how I’ve been? Could I forgive myself for not being as relaxed as I was on vacation? Not ready to blurt out I’m HAPPY at any second? Resigned about relationships and things ever being different?

Good questions. I wish I had more time to dwell in this. But it’s been helpful to get it out. I was just miserably making myself wrong and it sucked. So, getting it out here helps me.

What can you say that would free you? Just wondering………..