In a conversation today, we were talking about being Happy. Could we take on that happiness is not a function of our circumstances?

Good question. It certainly SEEMS like it’s a function of our circumstances. When things don’t go the way I want them to, (there are times when) I get frustrated and then act out like I’m a 3 year old having a tantrum. I am not fun to be around. It SEEMS like:

• I can’t have what I want
• Life sucks
• There’s nothing I can do about it
• I might as well just give up and either eat or go to sleep
• Life sucks
• I suck
• The world sucks
• I am powerless

Oh, did I say that I am not very pleasant? I think so. I don’t like being around me, so I can only imagine that it’s not very much fun for others, either. I really hate being that way.

In the question of today, could I be Happy when that happens? I’ll give you a great example that I am experiencing right now. I am in Rhode Island at a client.

Background: I am very worried about my quota for the quarter since my main, biggest, and best producer is not currently working due to family circumstances. Today was going to be the BIG DAY!!! I was going to make up EVERY DOLLAR that I am behind and SURGE AHEAD TO SUCCESS!

Well, we’ve been here for 3.5 hours and haven’t sold a dollar. I literally want to quit.

Quit what?

Everything. I want to eat everything that I shouldn’t. I want to crawl under the table in a fetal position and not come back out. (Actually no, the carpet is pretty dirty so I take that back).

I think pretty much I want to sleep or eat whatever I feel like.

That won’t help.

How could I grow instead of suffering or numbing myself?

Hmmmmmm……………I could look at the situation. It would have been nice to write the $16,000 goal I had set instead of $0.

It would have helped my quota go from @$129,000 to $116,000. But I’d still have a pretty big quota remaining either way.

I guess I was just looking for SOMETHING GOOD TO HAPPEN. I wanted a SIGN that hitting my quota is possible without my main person. I guess I NEEDED something positive to keep me going. The last couple of weeks have really sucked and I have lost all confidence in my ability to write business. That’s what happens sometimes.

And so far, there’s NO SIGN. So everything else seems hopeless. Let’s see if I can take this apart in order TO GROW instead of being a freaking suffering victim.

THING 1: It seems like I might as well just eat because life sucks and I’m fat anyway and I can’t lose weight so why the fuck should I torture myself?

It seems eating multiple slices of pizza would be justified right now. However, Tuesday when I get on the scale, I might rethink what I did and NOT think it was such a good idea.

OK, action I can take instead:

• Eat the pineapple (I had forgotten I had in the car). Drink the XS energy drink I had brought. It has B vitamins which help negative mood swings
• VERY GOOD – I can eat healthy, reduce my hunger, and help my negativity.
• I’m growing instead of suffering – YAY – check

THING 2: It seems like I should just give up trying to hit my quota and relax and enjoy my life. Just stop trying and stop being stressed.

• It won’t work. I will suffer anyway knowing I gave up.
• I can just keep setting appointments. Some will go well and some won’t. I can motivate my people to keep setting appointments. All I can do is what I can do RIGHT NOW!!!
• Focus on the NOW and TAKE ACTIONS! Keep going!!!

THING 3: No one can love me anyway. Why bother pretending I want a relationship? It will never happen. Who could love me when I get like this? With my stomach? With my varicose veins? With my moodiness? I pee all night. Who could deal with that? I mean, really?

• I don’t know what to say about this one. It seems SO REAL that I want to cry.
• Plus, there’s no one I would even WANT to go out with right now. I look around, and I don’t see anyone I would even want to talk to let alone date.
• I guess I can just keep looking.
• I guess I can accept myself as I am (ya think?). No one is perfect. I do have some good qualifies. I just can’t think of any right now.

THING 4: I can’t think of one – ok, my speaking/writing/blogging – why am I bothering? If something was going to happen with this, it would have. Who am I trying to kid?

• ok, this one is fairly easy – I can enjoy the discovery. Enjoy the process. I guess I can apply that tip to everything. I’m not trying to get anywhere. I’m IN THE FREAKING MOMENT!!!!
• An aside: My elbow is sticking to the table from the pineapple juice. Above my head is a sign that says “THERE IS NO FOOD OR DRINKS ALLOWED IN THIS ROOM!”
• OOPS!

SUMMARY OF GROWTH OPPORTUNITY:

• stick to my plan
• enjoy the process
• visualize success
• do the best I can and accept that!!
• It’s not MY FAULT!
• I am how I am. I can be how I am.
• There’s no where to get to
• There’s no getting it right.
• 95% of my life is great, just this 5% is not how I want it to be RIGHT NOW!!!

I am breathing again. I am relaxing into my vitamin B drink. I am not so hungry anymore. I stuck to healthy food. I am waiting for the rush of people who get off their shift at 2:00. (It’s 2:01).

More later. Thanks for listening. I feel a little better.

PS – 2:10 – I’m still waiting for the people………………

Last week a guy at the gym was talking to me. He asked me for my number. He is married.

I got a text later in the day: “The cat’s away, you wanna get a beer?”

I wrote back: “Not a good idea.”

He wrote: “Why?”

I wrote: “You have a cat.”

He wrote: “But she’s away.”

These exchanges took a while for me to respond to. After all, we are gym friends. What’s wrong with getting a beer?

But my instincts knew better. How would I feel if I was his wife? It could only cause trouble. I’m not interested in falling for another married guy. For WHAT? And for once, I listened.

So I wrote back: “Dude, if I gave you the impression that I hang out with married men, I apologize. My policy is: I don’t. Thank you for understanding.”

And I felt free.

I was also sad:

Why is it ok for him to pursue me when he’s married?

Why do I seem like someone who only deserves a married man?

Why has that been ok with me?

Why did I attract so many lying, married or taken men in the past?

I had a good cry. My whole past was there in the moment. I mourned. I grieved. I wondered.

And then I got proud. Good for me. I am someone who deserves an available, amazing man. Not a sleazy, lying married one.

This was the first time I stood for myself. This was a big moment for me. I feel different.

When I saw the guy this morning, it wasn’t even awkward. And when he said, “the invitation is still open,” I just said, “thank you, that’s very flattering.”

And that was that. Thanks for listening. Gotta get to work.

Have a great day!!!

Yesterday I wrote about some of the things I want to create. I felt kind of dumb doing it. I was embarrassed.

But overnight I remembered that it works.

In 2012, when I was reading the Success Principles by Jack Canfield, I took it on. I rekindled my purposed. I wrote out goals. This was not new for me. The difference was that I also brought visualization and affirmations to it. I got emotionally connected. Saw it in my mind as already happened. It worked.

I wrote about this in my book because it made such a profound impact on my life. I took on being responsible for my life instead of blaming my then husband. I saw my part in what went wrong.

And by doing that, I climbed out of my confused, powerless, resigned, cynical victimhood. I got my power back. I hit my weight goal for the first time in my life. I did a mini-triathlon. I started a women’s empowerment group. I hit my work goals.

These were things that weren’t going to happen. Not at all. Not one bit.

I created several communities where I am known, loved and belong.

I have to admit, that I had forgotten about my little note cards with my goals. Even though they were still in my car. When I was turning in my car a couple of weeks ago, I saw them. I read them. I was shocked. I’d say at least half had come true. I couldn’t believe it.

I still don’t have the amazing guy or the $5 million in the bank, but I’m living on the water, have been successful at work, have money to pay bills, taxes and for fun living. I have great clothes, good hair, friends, and communities.

I was amazed that so much of it had come true. I read those cards religiously every day at the gym back then. I put the emotion in and visualized them coming true. My brain then went to work figuring how to get it done. It’s very cool. I just focused on the outcome, and my subconscious mind figured it out.

So, dumb as I felt yesterday, this stuff works. And, I’m glad I remembered that.

Success Principles by Jack Canfield. Changed my life. And I have to credit, Jonny Burgess, from AFLAC for introducing me to the book back in 2011 or 2012.

Thanks, Jonny.

Now I gotta go visualize my success and new man. Thanks for listening. Have a great day!

So I’ll just start.

I read through my book. Again. I cried. It’s very inspiring to me. And I know the story since I lived it.

And I don’t know if I want to keep reading it. I want to get it published and move on. I’m tired of living that part of my life.

I’m ready for the next thing with this book.

The weather has been amazing this week. Cool, breezy, sunny. It’s been really enjoyable to live at the beach. A part of me can’t believe I get to live here at this price. Don’t tell my landlord, though. He may increase my rent.

I’m trying to stay in the moment. Live in the present. Allow my life to unfold. It lasts a couple of minutes and then I go back to worry. Then I come back to peace. It’s easier to do that here: the sound of the waves and the view of the Long Island Sound make it easier than in most places.

I’m reading a book, Speaking Being. It discusses the ontological nature of the Forum and compares it to the philosopher, Heidegger’s work. It’s very interesting to see the difference between our normal thinking and ontology. I’m reading a few pages at a time because it’s so intense. It talks about Saying the Unsaid which is what I have been in an inquiry about. So it’s very pertinent to what I’m exploring. And it’s a big heavy book to cart around. I feel like I’m in college again.

I have a big number to crack for work. Last week I was a ball of disempowered resignation, confused and ineffective. Then I realized I was focusing on what I DON’T WANT!!! So I’m going to tell you what I DO want instead!!!

I’m going to hit FAME (the name for our Management Target) a week early.

I am going to find an amazing agent and publisher for my book.

I am going to launch a fabulous speaking and writing career that doubles and triples my current income.

My body is healthy, fit and strong. I will happily weigh X by the vacation in September, effortlessly and healthily.

I am enjoying my new man. We have amazing conversations, travel fabulously together, and are both looking for the same things. I am happy.

I am thrilled that Oprah and Tim Ferriss called me to be on their shows. It is a dream come true.

OK, so I feel a little dumb saying all that stuff, but I am trying to focus on what I WANT, not what I don’t want. Why not ask for more? How can that hurt?

I gotta go get my chair off the beach. The tide is coming in. Have a great day!!!

Thanks for listening.

I was communicating with someone today and I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing this. I won’t mention any names.

She has been reading this blog and suggested I go to therapy to “slay my dragons.”

I appreciate her concern for my well being. I really do.

And, I don’t think I have been clear about the purpose of my blog.

It’s not to air my problems or dragons.

This blog creates freedom for me to get out of my disempowering thoughts. By getting into communication, I can transform these issues. In my brain, they just fester and keep me stuck.

I have learned through my studies of humans, brains and ontology, that our brains are very well-meaning. They want to protect us from getting hurt. Centuries ago, when we were in imminent danger from wild animals, the elements, warring enemies, etc., this was very useful. We needed the amygdyla’s function to stay alive. It’s the fight or flight impulse that kept many an ancestor alive when they were in danger.

In modern day, and this is my interpretation of science, and not necessarily factual, we are not in imminent danger as we were when our ancestors roamed the jungles and prairies. Our brains protect us as if we still are.

My brain tries to protect me from being disappointed. When I was two years old, I had my first “break in belonging.” At that time, it was painful. I thought I was going to a concert and I was “left behind.” As a two year old, I didn’t know what I had done wrong. The truth was I was probably never going and just thought I was. At the time, however, as a two year old, it was traumatic.

My “brain, in trying to protect me from reliving that experience, developed a strategy: be good, stay quiet, and try not to get “left behind.”

Even though I am now fully grown, and have survived many disappointments, my brain still tries to protect me. If I want to speak up, my brain goes crazy. If I want to stick up for myself, my brain argues against it.

If I listen to my brain, I’ll never have the life I really want. I’ll have a “safe” life, but not the powerful, fulfilled one I dream about. And, I still get disappointed sometimes anyway. So the safety mechanism doesn’t even work.

Speaking up is “dangerous” according to my brain. Someone might get mad or upset and “leave me.” Does it actually happen that way? No.

I have been experimenting lately with speaking up. What have I learned? It’s not as big a deal to the other person. They are not that concerned about me. They are concerned about themselves. And if I do get them upset, they don’t leave me. We have the capacity to talk it out.

And, the important point. Nothing bad has happened. If I listened to my brain, I’d still be a victim of almost everything.

Even though I have fear-like body sensations, I am speaking up more and more. And it has created freedom for me. This blog allows me to work through stuck thoughts. It literally creates freedom and power for me. It is not “dragons” or permanent issues I need to discuss with a therapist. I have tools and techniques that I know work. This blog is one of them.

So, please don’t feel sorry for me or think I am having issues. I am literally having a great life. And, I want to be a successful writer and speaker so I am pushing beyond my limits of comfort. It’s exhilarating and scary to go into the unknown and risk criticism and judgement. But I am doing it anyway. So I can live my dreams.

NOTE FOR THOSE WAITING FOR UPDATES ON MY GOING OUT:

I have not really gone behind my comfort with the dating scene YET!!! That’s my next avenue for freedom and having my dream of having an amazing life partner to travel first class with around the world. I envision staying in world class spas and having all expenses paid by the people hiring me. Why not dream? Who’s to say I CAN’T have it?

Thanks again for listening. It always makes a difference for ME!!!!!!

I’m writing quickly because my kids and mom are coming over and it’s not good for anyone if I’m in a bad mood.

I can’t even see anything bad immediately. But let me look. OK, they are starting to surface:

• I drove an hour and a half today to an appointment that was cancelled.
• Originally I had an all day appointment for today that was cancelled yesterday. That was a big one with the potential for a lot of premium. This week is not looking good business wise. I’m feeling resigned.
• My main producer is not working due to family circumstances. I feel terrible for her, AND, that puts a big whole in my quota. I don’t know how to make up that business. Again, I’m feeling resigned.
• I’m just feeling overall like I don’t know what to do that can make a difference anywhere.
• I scheduled another speaking event and quite frankly, I don’t know if my idea is EVER going to work. I feel like I should just give up. Why bother?
• I am facilitating a course that starts in a week and I have no people enrolled. And, the guy that is supposed to be helping me has not been able to take my calls. I feel alone in this mess and just want to quit.
• I didn’t make a promise to make calls for my seminar, but one of the guys asked me to make a promise by yesterday which I didn’t do. Fuck him, I thought. Intead of being straight about what I will and won’t do, I am making him wrong, hiding, and not being in communication.
• My bra is really uncomfortable. It got a little mushed in the wash and it’s just not working right now. Ugh!

OK, that’s enough. I can take each one and figure out an action step. The first being to change my freaking bra. Why is that so hard to figure out?

Oh one more. Today I caught my favorite dress on a nail and now it’s got a big pull on the right boob. I don’t know if I can wear it anymore. Why didn’t it happen to the ones I don’t really like?

OK, that’s enough again.

I will make a list and do them. I’ll stop being a victim and reach out to these people like a grown up. Stop feeling sorry for myself and stop being an internal pill.

Gotta go finish making the salad. As always, thanks for listening.

Have a good night.

I have so many things that I think are wrong. Over the weekend, in a course, of course, I saw that being wrong is the thing I try to avoid at all costs.

It’s impossible when there are so many things I’ve decided are wrong.

Just for fun, I’ll list a few:

• being upset
• having flab
• telling someone something that might get them upset
• speaking up when you don’t like something
• being messy
• being unorganized
• weighing more than I think I should
• having unread emails
• having too many emails
• eating something that tastes good that’s not what I think is “good”
• not working out hard enough
• being tired
• being frustrated, annoyed, etc.

You could see it’s a list that is endless. And I have tried to avoid these things. And I’m obviously failing at avoiding them.

I’ve been trying desperately to “GET IT RIGHT.”

And it’s been tiring, frustrating, exhausting, and disturbing. Because there is no end to this struggle. There is NO RIGHT to get to. There is no cheese down this tunnel.

What’s the alternative?

Being present. All is well. Everyone is perfect just as they are. We are all connected. No one needs to do anything to be ok. We are fine.

I can breathe. I can listen to people with no agenda. I can ask for what I want and say what I need to say. Their response is not my responsibility. Their upset is not my responsibility. I don’t have to fix me or anybody else.

I can speak in a way that doesn’t make anyone or anything wrong. I can practice that. I can say something new.

And I can enjoy my life. The things I like and the things I don’t. It’s all good.

Easier said than done, right? Or, is this way easier than being tired and frustrated all the time? Who knows?

We will see. I can try it for a few days and see if it’s more enjoyable.

Why not? There’s nothing to lose.

Thanks for listening and have a great day!!!!

Yesterday in a course we were looking at the edges of our participation.

I didn’t see it right away, but one of my edges is when I can’t be with what the person is saying. I want to fix their problem rather than just get it. A couple of examples:

#1 Situation:

My friend’s parents are both not in good shape and could possibly both pass away soon – it’s unknown what can be done for either one right now

• She’s an only child and this is really difficult for her – my main concern has been not to say the wrong thing to upset her – I’ve been being careful.
• Since seeing that, I’ve been looking at how to support her better and I don’t know how. I can’t imagine what it’s like for her. I don’t know what to say. I wish I could make it better for her. I guess that’s what I can say.
• I can’t fix this for her and remove her pain and grief. I want to.
• And even though those thoughts are actually about me, that’s the best I can see right now. Letting her know I’m thinking of her and sending her strength.

#2 Situation:

• I have a couple of new young associates that are working with me. They are awesome.
• Here’s the part I can’t be with. They both say they have PTSD. They are medicated for it and at times can not get out of bed or function. One also has anxiety and one has depression. They compare medications like it’s soda flavors.
• Personally I think this is fucked up. They weren’t in a war. They had bad things happen, I guess. I just feel that the medical profession is labelling them with these diagnoses, medicating them, and then excusing this dysfunctional behavior.
• I don’t agree with what is happening.
• And, I don’t really know what it’s like for them. I don’t have any facts for my opinions. I just feel like medicating and labelling is so limiting. This prevents me from recreating them or being in their world.
• And, it’s not my problem to fix. I just want to be able to support and empower both of them to become highly functioning productive members of society since I see how much they have to offer. I don’t like them hiding behind these diagnoses, but that’s just me wanting something different for them.
• I guess I can just say that. That what I see for them is being empowered and free. They have a lot to offer. Let them know what greatness I see in them and leaving the rest to them. Something like that.

OK, 5 more minutes until my power hour is up. Got to go shower and get on my computer for the final day of this weekend’s course.

As usual, thanks for listening. It’s always helpful to work this out outside of my thoughts.

Have a great Sunday.

100% vs 5%

Two weeks ago I was really sick. My throat was so sore I couldn’t even swallow my saliva. I was moaning and groaning and didn’t know if I would survive. (Yes, dramatic, but it’s true). The only good thing was I didn’t want to eat which has probably never happened before in my life.

I listened to a Headspace meditation on Pain Management. It was very helpful.

Here’s what I got:

When we have pain, we focus on that pain. It FEELS like it’s 100% of our body. We resist it and it gets worse and worse. It SHOULDN’T BE!!! POOR ME!! HOW WILL I SURVIVE?

What the meditation said was that if you really calculate the percentage of the body that is in pain, it’s probably 3-5%. Maybe 10% if it’s a BIG LEG or something. The rest of the body does NOT have pain.

The exercisee had us breathe of course and notice the rest of the body. The pain lessened. I also realized that my throat only really hurt when I swallowed so the rest of the time I was actually NOT in pain. Prior to the meditation I would have sworn it was my WHOLE BODY and 100% of the time. It was helpful to get aware.

This knowledge helped me get through those couple of days where the ibuprofen was not working for some reason and it felt like there was a knife in my throat. It wasn’t fun!!

Since then I’ve used that technique in other areas:

• If I eat something I think is “off plan.” I now realize I didn’t blow the whole thing. Maybe just 5% of my eating was not as planned It alleviates the whole negative swirl that EVERYTHING is now ruined, I’ll be fat forever, there’s no hope and on and on………
• I gained 10 pounds back BUT I’m still down 20. I can look at that either way – I’m a FAT LOSER or I’m VERY SUCCESSFUL. All in the context. I have a choice!!
• I love writing my blog. Good for me for doing it OR I don’t take enough time to really edit each blog entry and I should just be shot. (yes, dramatic again but that’s how I actually think). Again, all in the context when I can be aware.

I’m sure there are more.

I’m almost done with my power hour outside on my beautiful deck. I need to shower, clean up my house and welcome my guests in 45 minutes.

Thank you always for listening. It makes a HUGE difference for me and I hope at least a small difference for you.

Have a great day!!!

One is how I find the negative in everything.

Another is 100% vs 5%.

OK – more later. I have to go on a call.

I’m back. Ok, this will be short.I’ve noticd that I can’t just be happy about something. I always look for what’s wrong. I’m participating in a course and in my mind, I was cheating and being sleazy in the assignments.

“That’s interesting,” the instructor said. “There’s no rules. So how can you be cheating?”

“Wow, that’s crazy,” I said. “Look how I’ve invalidated my participation. Instead of being proud, I’m thinking I’m a person who’s not honest. That’s incredible.”

And since then I’ve noticed it everywhere:

• I worked out but didn’t push hard enough
• I hit my numbers, but I took shortcuts to do it.
• I look good but could be thinner
• I love my beach cottage but it should be neater and less cluttered
• etc.

I’m going to keep noticing it.

#2: I’m going to write about it next time. I have to get some stuff done before my guests show up.

Have a great day.