I’ve been doing it. I’ve been saying things that I really thought I should not say.

And it’s been awesome.

Here’s one category:

There are quite a few people I have a negative feeling about.

When I looked at why, I realize it’s because they said something and I took it as a slight, advice or criticism. I never told them. I just internally dismissed them without knowing it.

I’ve had a few of these people ask me why I don’t hang out with them/don’t like them. It gave me the opportunity to SAY SOMETHING/SPEAK UP. These were my three responses to the different people:

1. “Well, let’s see,” I said. ” I guess when you gave me unsolicited advice, I decided I didn’t like that. I’m sorry. I should have said something. I wasn’t conscious of my decision.”
2. “Oh,”………..I thought. “Remember when you judged me about my married man. You didn’t even listen to what I was saying. You were mean and condemned me. I decided since you didn’t like me, I didn’t want to be around you.”
3. “I don’t like when you comment on what I’m saying. It bothers me.”

All three of these people listened to me. They didn’t get upset. They saw that I wasn’t the only person they were doing these things to. They actually thanked me.

I was shocked. I expected them to get defensive or mad. Instead, I had a new affinity for them. I could love them and feel close to them. A stark contrast to how I felt before speaking up. It was really incredible.

I wouldn’t have thought telling them these things would go well.

I have also spoken up with some young girls from work.

“I can either interact with you like you are weak, not capable and troubled, or I can interact with you like you are strong, smart and capable. Which would you prefer?”

Both picked strong, smart and capable. It was pretty cool. I was silently condemning them and not saying anything. I thought if I said something they’d be insulted or upset.

Instead, speaking up had them see themselves as their greater self. And, they appreciated my honesty.

Just some examples from the field. My friend is about to come over. I haven’t seen her since June. I’m ready to have some fun.

Thanks for listening. Have a great Labor Day weekend.

I’m reading the Untethered Soul, by Michael Singer. Oprah talked about it on her Super Soul Sunday podcast. She loved it. So I took it out of the library. I’ve only read the first two chapters so far.

For the first time, I can sort of understand “the little voice in our heads.”

The voice does not make sense. It’s always talking. It never shuts up. And, it argues both sides of an argument.

I knew we had a voice, but I didn’t really get it.

I still thought that some of my thoughts were real. I didn’t distinguish them as just noise. I’d get upset by them. And need reassurance that they weren’t real. Don’t ask me why. But I did.

Now, after reading the book, I compare the voice to a person sitting on a park bench talking to themselves. Babbling on and on. Never stopping. Not making any sense.

I’d look at them and think they were crazy.

But that’s like what happens inside our heads.

That voice just keeps talking. Arguing both sides of the argument. On and on and on. It reminds me of Archie Bunker yelling at Edith. “Do you ever stop talking?” (I’m making that up – don’t know if it was actually Archie!)

No wonder I feel crazy sometimes. It’s a constant monologue that I’ve been listening to. It would drive anyone crazy.

The trick, Michael Singer says, is to be an observer of it. Not a participant.

My friend used to say, “Don’t Engage,” when referring to someone who could get me crazy and I won’t name names. “Don’t respond. Ignore them.”

Well, that’s true for us and our brains. Don’t engage. Just watch it.

So when I’m wondering about a certain person and what they are doing, it’s just my brain doing it’s thing. It doesn’t really matter.

Or worrying about my kids, my work, the future, money, etc.

I can just watch my voice talking. Like I’d watch the person on the park bench.

We will see. It sounds easy. I’m just not sure that it is.

Or is that my little voice saying that?

I’m in a bad mood.

I’m thinking I should be looking for fucking miracles and being happy and I’m JUST NOT!!

So, if I accept myself as I am instead of trying to be fucking Pollyanna, I can say I am just in a pissy, lousy, self-pitying mood.

And, I don’t think I should be.

So, let’s look. What is actually going on?

Today I asked my friend how his wife was. I knew she was sick.

“She’s dead. She died two weeks ago.”

“What? I didn’t know. Oh, I’m so sorry.” I gave him a hug.

“How are you doing?” I asked, looking him in the eyes.

“Everything will be fine. Everything will work out,” he said smiling. He did some chest press while I stared at him.

I don’t freaking get it. His wife just died. His wife who he loved and said was perfect for him. Since the day he met her they were together.

Maybe that’s his coping mechanism. Or, maybe he really is a very positive guy.

I just find it sad that she died so young and her two daughters now have no mother. And, that the love of his life is gone.

But that’s just me. That’s how I FEEL. I don’t REALLY know how he feels.

And my mom. She started another SMALL fire in the kitchen. She doesn’t remember that the coffee pot can not go on the stove.

“I just wanted to heat up the coffee a little bit,” she said. “I’ll never do it again. I promise.”

But it’s the third time. And that’s what she said the last time.

My sister came to pick her up and take her to her house so she won’t start another fire. My sister is having surgery so she told my mom that she needed her. My mom went to “help her.”

I guess I’m just sad about it. And, pretending that it’s FINE. And, afraid she will burn the house down and really hurt herself.

It’s not FINE. It’s the way life goes, but that doesn’t have to mean I like it.

Tonight I was at a friend’s house. We were having a “homework practice party” for Wisdom. I didn’t like some comments people made to me. Instead of saying something, (saying what can’t be said), I just stayed quiet, and as soon as it was over, I left.

In retrospect, what could I have said? “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me,” I guess. Or, “I don’t like what you just said.”

Until now, I thought it was my fault for being a bitch. I just didn’t speak up. I got quiet instead and couldn’t wait to leave.

I’m looking to see what pissed me off. “You weren’t listening,” one of the girls said. I hate when people say that.

Another said, “that’s not what I was saying, but ok.” I took that as “you’re really stupid and off.”

I guess I felt like a bad girl. I didn’t listen or get it right. It made me want to run away like I did as a kid. Get the hell out of there. And I did.

I guess I can just communicate tomorrow. And tell them how I felt.

To get back into affinity and friendship. Cause right now I hate both of them. “Fuck ’em” as my father would say.

OK, that feels better. I was blaming myself thinking I’m the bitch. I’m the wrong one. It’s all my fault.

Fuck that. I’m done with that. I’ll just say what I don’t think I should say. Until we are friends again.

I’m sad about my mom and my friend’s wife. And another guy who dropped dead this week. I know it’s all a part of life, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it!!!!!

Thanks for listening. I’m finally letting the tears out. And that’s a good thing for me!!!

Getting Real!!! Have a good night!!!

Yesterday I said I was going to say that “SUCCESS IS EASY.”

I was empowered, positive and HOPEFUL!!!

Even this morning I was envisioning success, on the phones, making calls, and expecting fucking miracles.

Driving home from my last appointment, I was thinking not only is SUCCESS HARD, it’s VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE AND NOT WORTH GOING AFTER.

If I count the number of “dings”, I probably won’t be surprised that I am now FRUSTRATED, RESIGNED and PATHETIC (Willa likes me to call it powerless but I prefer PATHETIC – Willa is the person helping me with my book and she hates when I call myself pathetic)!!! Yes, I said PATHETIC.

Here’s what happened:

1. DING 1: A client told me their board decided not to offer AFLAC to any of their employees. The one person who has something can keep it. But don’t come in or call them anymore basically.
2. DING 2: Another client told me they had 4 new people, no one was interested, and no need to make a visit this year.
3. My client, who was about to buy a cancer plan, told me he needed to think about it and to call him next week.
4. My new agent scheduled a new client that I HAD FOUND on a day that I can’t go. WTF?

The last one pisses me off. It’s MY client. I worked hard for it. She was helping and says she can’t get her to change the date. WTF? It’s on a Saturday when the account opening office is closed. And then she wouldn’t pick up the phone so I could explain this.

I guess it’s 4 dings and I flat line. Done. I’m done. I’m FUCKING DONE!!

Let’s add that my daughter’s expensive insurance isn’t covering her physical and lab test for the tune of $1100. Who the FUCK do you think is going to have to pay for that?

You got it!!! ME!!!

And before that, I was having a great day!! Sold a dental plan, lost 2 pounds, great cardio workout, making calls, visualizing my success, thin body, great man, and best selling book as well as getting paid lots of money for my inspiring, life changing speaking.

BOOM!!! 4 dings and I’m out. (I had always thought it was 3).

Frustration is a childlike response. OK, I get it. I want people to do what I WANT THEM TO DO!!! What’s wrong with that?

I guess nothing if you’re 3 years old.

So what can I do?

I can keep making calls to new places.

I can call the woman myself and reschedule it for when I can be there.

I can grow up the conversation to say that I’d prefer people to do what I want them to, but since I can’t control what they do, I can accept their actions. (A little too mature, frankly, but isn’t that the idea?)

ANOTHER NOTE:

I am trying to finish eating by 5:00 so I can have 14 hours of fasting. It’s my new thing. I’ve done it 3 days and lost 2 pounds. 5:00 is a little early and I’m a little nervous so I’m shoveling food in my mouth because I have to leave in a few minutes.

I don’t know if this is a good strategy. We will see. At least it’s something new.

OK, gotta go.

Thanks for listening. As almost always, I feel better acknowledging my childish expectations and reactions. It feels better than just silently thinking I’m an idiot. Better to do it publicly!!!!!

ADIOS!!!!

That’s what I’m going to say today. All day.

Because this weekend I was all in a funk. I know, what’s new?

Powerless, negative, and just plain nasty in my own little head.

I realize that I’ve been listening from a filter of “I can’t. I don’t know how. I suck. There’s nothing I can do.”

And, since April when I had to put a bunch in an IRA to save on my taxes, I’ve been back living in scarcity.

And, since then, I’ve stopped making money and doing well.

So why not change what I’m telling myself and saying?

SUCCESS IS EASY. WEALTH CREATION IS EASY. I’m living in abundance. I know what to do. I got this.

Time for some fucking miracles. Why not?

(I’m not really believing this, but I don’t have to).

I’m going to HIT FAME!!!! MIRACLES!!!

I’m losing weight!!!!

I’m happy!!!

My wonderful guy is awesome and loves to take care of me!!! I’m in love!!

Life is awesome!!!

Gotta go to a meeting!!

I’m mad. I don’t think I should be.

Or maybe I’m sad. OK, I’m sad.

I’ve given up on my numbers for the quarter.

[I’ve hit 6 times in a row, more than any other district sales coordinator. I’ve only missed one “FAME” in the past 4 years. It makes me “good.” I feel “special” when this happens. And I live for that, I guess. More about this later.]

Last March, I also gave up for a few days. I did end up hitting them, but during the time I “gave up”, I felt the same as I do now:

• Feeling dead
• Not wanting to do anything – why should I, it won’t make a difference
• Tired
• Achy
• Mad
• Sad
• Defeated
• Not talking to anyone
• Powerless
• Only wanting to sit in the sun or sleep or eat or drink to numb myself from this apathy and horrible feeling

Because if I don’t hit my numbers, I cease to exist.

I’m not special. I won’t get the bonus. I’ll be JUST LIKE everyone else.

And, I’m not that good at sales, so I’ll actually be much worse than everyone else.

It feels like I should just die. (Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, I’m just following the thoughts to see where I end up so I can get to freedom. No worries about me, please. This is my process.)

I guess if I’m not special, than I don’t matter. So I NEED to be special. That’s why my conversation with PSYCHO the other day made me feel good. I felt SPECIAL.

Special doesn’t really exist, though, if I come back to the present. Everyone is special and no one is special. Everyone matters. I matter anyway. Even if someone leaves me in the driveway or forgets to show up. Even if they don’t want to play with me. Even if I don’t get my bonus or hit my numbers. Even if I’m alone. And, even if I feel like this.

I think I’ve picked the men I did because they were good talkers and made me feel special. When they disappointed me later, if fit my story. “See, I knew it. I:

• can’t have what I want
• something’s wrong with me
• I’m unlovable
• I’ll always be disappointed
• people lie – I can’t count on anyone”

I got to be right. I picked people who told me what I wanted to hear. Without actions to match the words. And, always was waiting. Waiting and waiting…..for the good part to return.

Just like in the driveway. I was still hopeful, waiting for them to come back and take me. But they didn’t.

And I’m still waiting……….for the good part.

WOW!!!! And I’m sad about it. And mad that this keeps happening to me.

I’m a powerless victim, at the effect of others. And picking people that are SURE to disappoint because that’s how they are. And, even though I see the signs, I still wait and hope for things to change. And they don’t.

[I was going to type this privately because I didn’t know where it would go, but oh well, it will be out there. It’s being vulnerable, Brene, ok?]

So how to get my power back?

I will apologize to my daughter for being a jerk.

I will get to work and keep booking appointments even though I don’ feel like it.

I will get ready for tonight and be vulnerable and real.

My handouts will be fine no matter what.

I can trust people even though sometimes they forget.

I will attract people who want to connect, communicate, and create. The 3 C’s. I’m looking for partners in creating dreams.

Anyone interested?

OK, I’m still feeling drained, but at least I can see why my default is sad and mad. I’m still freaking waiting like a confused victim.

I CAN create my life even feeling this way. I am NOT my feelings. OK, better get to work…………

Thanks for listening…………

Yesterday, I finally got mad and asked my daughter, “HOW the fuck could you forget to let me know that you weren’t coming? I don’t get it. How does that happen? Please tell me.”

She tried to tell me.

“I still don’t get it. You were on the way. I was waiting. How do you just not call?”

And again, it didn’t matter what she said.

The good part was I finally got mad. I finally spoke up.

I stopped being a silent victim.

That’s the growth. I CAN be mad, sad, disappointed. AND, the new part, I can let people know how I feel.

I don’t have to sit back, being the “good, understanding one.”

I CAN SPEAK UP!!!

Instead of being insulting, sarcastic, and never forgiving which I was just now.

OOPS!!

She’s supposed to come over later. I’m now afraid she’ll FUCKING FORGET like yesterday!!!

The worst part is that I need her help on some handouts that she worked on. I am dependent on her help and I HATE IT!!!! I can’t even fucking bold them since they were done on her computer. They are unreadable because they are on a pink background and the black is showing that well.

I hate being dependent on someone. My speaking gig is tonight. I would like these handouts DONE!!!!!! I’m nervous and want to be prepared.

Game plan: If she is not here by 1:15 I will do them myself. I will trust her, but have a back up plan.

How does that sound? Until then, I am going to do other things. Just put all this aside. I’ll see if that works!!!

Thanks for listening. (Can you tell I still want to scream? I better start BREATHING!!!!)

“I’ll be there at 4:00,” my daughter texted. “I’m on my way.”

So I wait. And wait. And wait.

At 4:30 I texted her. Where are you?

Nothing.

I called.

“Oh, I’m at Bar Taco talking to the bartender.”

“What?”

“I came here to meet Jesse.”

“What? You texted me that you were coming here. You were on the way. WTF?”

I hung up. I sent some very nasty texts and emojis. Then I blocked her.

I stared at my phone. Very immature.

I unblocked her. After all, she’s my daughter.

She wanted to know if she should come here now.

Nope.

I’m too livid.

And, I know I’m being immature, unforgiving, and she probably just forgot.

It’s just that it’s my fucking incident. Forgotten, left behind, irrelevant, not important.

Fuck this. I’m just going to allow myself to be disappointed. I was looking forward to seeing her. She’s fucking leaving tomorrow.

She wants to know if I want to see her after she gets her computer. I really want to get her back and punish her. I know, I’m immature, spiteful and malicious. I’m evil and on it.

I’m just going to stay mad for a little while longer and not respond. I’m not over it yet.

dum dee dum dee dum dee dum………….

still mad

dum dee dum dee dum dee dum

still mad – and I know I’m supposed to be the parent, here, folks!!! I’m just being how I am………….more later………………………………………..I need to calm down

OK, more immaturity. My text: “I’ll say I’m coming to see you but I won’t really come. I’ll just have you wait all night wondering what happened to me. That’s a good plan.”

Can you believe what a jerk I am? It’s kind of fun. Let’s see what she says……….

She wants to know what I want to do. I guess I’m not growing. I’m still mad. I don’t want to go there and see her, my mom, and Mark.

Maybe growing is staying here and taking care of me. Not going when I don’t want to. Being how I am.

I don’t know.

I guess the problem is I think I shouldn’t be mad. That I should get over it. That when someone tells me they are coming and doesn’t, and doesn’t bother to let me know, that it’s ok. It’s my fault for being upset.

And, she probably forgot. Does that make it ok? Does that mean I should just forgive and move on?

I’m just not up for that right now. I need to just BE with my disappointment. I’m listening to the waves. I’m breathing. I’m allowing myself to BE.

OK – still haven’t responded. I figured out my problem in the shower. Here is the conversation I had with myself:

• you’re being an idiot
• she probably just forgot
• get over it
• be the adult
• you’re being a jerk
• and my favorite: YOU SHOULDN’T BE UPSET

But, like when I was two, I AM UPSET!!! She was on her fucking way, Jesse called, she went to him instead, and I’m left fucking waiting with no phone call that the plans changed.

Of course I’m upset. I can understand that she forgot, but that doesn’t alleviate my feelings. I’m allowed to have my feelings. They are legit. I don’t have to get over it until I’m over it.

I think that’s the growth. To ALLOW myself to have my feelings. I am NOT my feelings, but I can allow them.

I’ve also been thinking about the conversation with my ex-boyfriend. And, realizing that I got my hopes up again. And, that nothing will happen with him.

And that’s ok. It’s ok to dream. And to accept the facts. And to be disappointed. And to allow myself the fantasy.

And I can create a fantastic relationship with someone else. He’s not the only one on the planet. And, his good behavior doesn’t last that long. And I’ve seen his bad. It’s REALLY BAD. Mean, heartless, and cruel. So, the fantasy is truly that. I dodged a bullet, as my friend says.

A girl can dream.

And then move on.

Thanks for listening.

Note: I’m reading Daring Greatly, a book by Brene Brown who is a Shame Researcher.

Allowing myself to be ashamed creates vulnerability. That is the path to “Wholeheartedness” according to Brene. I ashamed of my behavior.

This blog is letting it all hang out. Should I really press PUBLISH?

Why not?

I’ve been gaining weight. It’s a sign that I’m still numbing, even though I thought I was over doing that. Guess I’m not.

Yesterday I was up yet another pound. It just so happened that before 7:30 AM, I’d had a fight with my ex husband, and ran into my ex boyfriend.

At 7:40 AM, after I got weighed at Weight Watchers, I got in my car to get my coffee before the meeting started. I called my coach’s voicemail, thinking I’d be matter of fact. I started talking and started sobbing. I was crying so hard that I could barely breathe. The floodgates of my emotions had opened. I recorded and deleted 3 messages, never actually leaving him one.

I walked into the WW meeting with my sun glasses on. I looked and felt like a wreck. I didn’t speak for a while. Zach, our leader, kept looking at me since I was obviously upset and usually one of the talkers. I stayed quiet, not knowing what I could say.

He looked at me again.

“OK, I’ll talk,” I said, removing the sunglasses. “This morning, my ex told me that he borrowed more money from the bank. Unfortunately, he did it in an account that still has my name on it. We had used it as a pass-through account for the kids. I should have closed it, but I didn’t. I told him I wanted my name off the account. He got belligerent. He said horrible things about me and acted like he was a hero, and I was a terrible person.”

(Of course) I was crying again. “I didn’t even know I was upset for an hour. I worked out and thought everything was fine. Even though I wasn’t eating this morning, I can see how disconnected I was to my emotions. I’ve been wondering why I’ve been eating. Now I can see it’s because the food is the first place I go when I’m uncomfortable. I’m not even aware. Being around my ex is stressful. I try to be nice and not upset him, and I’m sacrificing myself in the process. I’m protecting him and hurting myself.”

My vulnerability opened the whole meeting up. People started sharing. It was good to finally start talking about it.

The rest of the day, I talked. I am confessed that I had had a conversation with my ex boyfriend. I had been vulnerable and told him how I felt and how hurt I was. I got some questions answered that had been plaguing me. He told me he thinks about me every day and how special our relationship had been. Unfortunately, his own life got in the way and he was sorry that he hurt me.

Having this conversation somehow made me see that I CAN trust myself. We did have something very special. It just wasn’t good timing. He wasn’t responding to anything I did. He was taking care of his own life and didn’t have space for our relationship anymore. I finally felt at peace.

I was a mess all day. Quiet and pensive. I let myself just BE that way for once in my life. I didn’t fight it. I was exhausted and went to sleep early.

Today I have my power back. I’m ready to be back in action. Even though yesterday was difficult, I needed to go through that to be stronger.

I can make decisions for me. I don’t have to worry or take care of others if that means sacrificing myself. That is a huge thing.

I am a Keltic Warrior!!!!!!! (That’s what one of the WW women had suggested.)

We are KELTIC WARRIOR WOMEN – maybe we have moved on from Helen Reddy?

Who knows?

OK, I’m still here. No one. 2:19.

I can see I am going down the tunnel of “scarcity.”

My current thoughts: Since no one enrolled today, I won’t hit my bonus. I won’t be able to pay my bills. I won’t be able to do anything.

EVER AGAIN!

My new thoughts: Instead, I can participate in ABUNDANCE!!

There is plenty of people that want to buy AFLAC. They are just not here today.

There is plenty of money to go around. I can have whatever I can stand for having.

I can’t see how right now, but I don’t have to.

I am enjoying generating an extra $20,000 this year from unknown sources. My life is free, my expenses are paid off, I am taking amazing vacations, and enjoy living in abundance.

I love knowing I have enough money to do whatever I want to do. Life is fun!!!

(My brain is arguing, but I’m going to just include the noise).

I love being discovered for my inspiring writing and speaking.

I love knowing I am making a difference for thousands of women across the world.

I love knowing my body is slim, healthy and strong.

I love knowing my bills are paid, my retirement accounts are fully stocked and I have an abundance of cash for FUN LIVING!!!!

I love knowing people are paying lots of money for my books, speaking and poems.

My song has been put to music and is a big hit.

My relationship with my amazing man is enjoyable, secure, relaxing, passionate AND Fun.

OK, I think that’s enough.

I’m still waiting for the people to come. But, I’m no longer upset about it. I’m looking forward to getting a nice healthy meal and driving back home.

PS: Someone just came and bought a life insurance policy. Things are turning around. YAY!