Not Knowing

I’ve been gaining weight. It’s a sign that I’m still numbing, even though I thought I was over doing that. Guess I’m not.

Yesterday I was up yet another pound. It just so happened that before 7:30 AM, I’d had a fight with my ex husband, and ran into my ex boyfriend.

At 7:40 AM, after I got weighed at Weight Watchers, I got in my car to get my coffee before the meeting started. I called my coach’s voicemail, thinking I’d be matter of fact. I started talking and started sobbing. I was crying so hard that I could barely breathe. The floodgates of my emotions had opened. I recorded and deleted 3 messages, never actually leaving him one.

I walked into the WW meeting with my sun glasses on. I looked and felt like a wreck. I didn’t speak for a while. Zach, our leader, kept looking at me since I was obviously upset and usually one of the talkers. I stayed quiet, not knowing what I could say.

He looked at me again.

“OK, I’ll talk,” I said, removing the sunglasses. “This morning, my ex told me that he borrowed more money from the bank. Unfortunately, he did it in an account that still has my name on it. We had used it as a pass-through account for the kids. I should have closed it, but I didn’t. I told him I wanted my name off the account. He got belligerent. He said horrible things about me and acted like he was a hero, and I was a terrible person.”

(Of course) I was crying again. “I didn’t even know I was upset for an hour. I worked out and thought everything was fine. Even though I wasn’t eating this morning, I can see how disconnected I was to my emotions. I’ve been wondering why I’ve been eating. Now I can see it’s because the food is the first place I go when I’m uncomfortable. I’m not even aware. Being around my ex is stressful. I try to be nice and not upset him, and I’m sacrificing myself in the process. I’m protecting him and hurting myself.”

My vulnerability opened the whole meeting up. People started sharing. It was good to finally start talking about it.

The rest of the day, I talked. I am confessed that I had had a conversation with my ex boyfriend. I had been vulnerable and told him how I felt and how hurt I was. I got some questions answered that had been plaguing me. He told me he thinks about me every day and how special our relationship had been. Unfortunately, his own life got in the way and he was sorry that he hurt me.

Having this conversation somehow made me see that I CAN trust myself. We did have something very special. It just wasn’t good timing. He wasn’t responding to anything I did. He was taking care of his own life and didn’t have space for our relationship anymore. I finally felt at peace.

I was a mess all day. Quiet and pensive. I let myself just BE that way for once in my life. I didn’t fight it. I was exhausted and went to sleep early.

Today I have my power back. I’m ready to be back in action. Even though yesterday was difficult, I needed to go through that to be stronger.

I can make decisions for me. I don’t have to worry or take care of others if that means sacrificing myself. That is a huge thing.

I am a Keltic Warrior!!!!!!! (That’s what one of the WW women had suggested.)

We are KELTIC WARRIOR WOMEN – maybe we have moved on from Helen Reddy?

Who knows?

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