Be How I Am

I’m mad. I don’t think I should be.

Or maybe I’m sad. OK, I’m sad.

I’ve given up on my numbers for the quarter.

[I’ve hit 6 times in a row, more than any other district sales coordinator. I’ve only missed one “FAME” in the past 4 years. It makes me “good.” I feel “special” when this happens. And I live for that, I guess. More about this later.]

Last March, I also gave up for a few days. I did end up hitting them, but during the time I “gave up”, I felt the same as I do now:

  • Feeling dead
  • Not wanting to do anything – why should I, it won’t make a difference
  • Tired
  • Achy
  • Mad
  • Sad
  • Defeated
  • Not talking to anyone
  • Powerless
  • Only wanting to sit in the sun or sleep or eat or drink to numb myself from this apathy and horrible feeling

Because if I don’t hit my numbers, I cease to exist.

I’m not special. I won’t get the bonus. I’ll be JUST LIKE everyone else.

And, I’m not that good at sales, so I’ll actually be much worse than everyone else.

It feels like I should just die. (Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, I’m just following the thoughts to see where I end up so I can get to freedom. No worries about me, please. This is my process.)

I guess if I’m not special, than I don’t matter. So I NEED to be special. That’s why my conversation with PSYCHO the other day made me feel good. I felt SPECIAL.

Special doesn’t really exist, though, if I come back to the present. Everyone is special and no one is special. Everyone matters. I matter anyway. Even if someone leaves me in the driveway or forgets to show up. Even if they don’t want to play with me. Even if I don’t get my bonus or hit my numbers. Even if I’m alone. And, even if I feel like this.

I think I’ve picked the men I did because they were good talkers and made me feel special. When they disappointed me later, if fit my story. “See, I knew it. I:

  • can’t have what I want
  • something’s wrong with me
  • I’m unlovable
  • I’ll always be disappointed
  • people lie – I can’t count on anyone”

I got to be right. I picked people who told me what I wanted to hear. Without actions to match the words. And, always was waiting. Waiting and waiting…..for the good part to return.

Just like in the driveway. I was still hopeful, waiting for them to come back and take me. But they didn’t.

And I’m still waiting……….for the good part.

WOW!!!! And I’m sad about it. And mad that this keeps happening to me.

I’m a powerless victim, at the effect of others. And picking people that are SURE to disappoint because that’s how they are. And, even though I see the signs, I still wait and hope for things to change. And they don’t.

[I was going to type this privately because I didn’t know where it would go, but oh well, it will be out there. It’s being vulnerable, Brene, ok?]

So how to get my power back?

I will apologize to my daughter for being a jerk.

I will get to work and keep booking appointments even though I don’ feel like it.

I will get ready for tonight and be vulnerable and real.

My handouts will be fine no matter what.

I can trust people even though sometimes they forget.

I will attract people who want to connect, communicate, and create. The 3 C’s. I’m looking for partners in creating dreams.

Anyone interested?

OK, I’m still feeling drained, but at least I can see why my default is sad and mad. I’m still freaking waiting like a confused victim.

I CAN create my life even feeling this way. I am NOT my feelings. OK, better get to work…………

Thanks for listening…………

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