I’m in a bad mood.
I’m thinking I should be looking for fucking miracles and being happy and I’m JUST NOT!!
So, if I accept myself as I am instead of trying to be fucking Pollyanna, I can say I am just in a pissy, lousy, self-pitying mood.
And, I don’t think I should be.
So, let’s look. What is actually going on?
Today I asked my friend how his wife was. I knew she was sick.
“She’s dead. She died two weeks ago.”
“What? I didn’t know. Oh, I’m so sorry.” I gave him a hug.
“How are you doing?” I asked, looking him in the eyes.
“Everything will be fine. Everything will work out,” he said smiling. He did some chest press while I stared at him.
I don’t freaking get it. His wife just died. His wife who he loved and said was perfect for him. Since the day he met her they were together.
Maybe that’s his coping mechanism. Or, maybe he really is a very positive guy.
I just find it sad that she died so young and her two daughters now have no mother. And, that the love of his life is gone.
But that’s just me. That’s how I FEEL. I don’t REALLY know how he feels.
And my mom. She started another SMALL fire in the kitchen. She doesn’t remember that the coffee pot can not go on the stove.
“I just wanted to heat up the coffee a little bit,” she said. “I’ll never do it again. I promise.”
But it’s the third time. And that’s what she said the last time.
My sister came to pick her up and take her to her house so she won’t start another fire. My sister is having surgery so she told my mom that she needed her. My mom went to “help her.”
I guess I’m just sad about it. And, pretending that it’s FINE. And, afraid she will burn the house down and really hurt herself.
It’s not FINE. It’s the way life goes, but that doesn’t have to mean I like it.
Tonight I was at a friend’s house. We were having a “homework practice party” for Wisdom. I didn’t like some comments people made to me. Instead of saying something, (saying what can’t be said), I just stayed quiet, and as soon as it was over, I left.
In retrospect, what could I have said? “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me,” I guess. Or, “I don’t like what you just said.”
Until now, I thought it was my fault for being a bitch. I just didn’t speak up. I got quiet instead and couldn’t wait to leave.
I’m looking to see what pissed me off. “You weren’t listening,” one of the girls said. I hate when people say that.
Another said, “that’s not what I was saying, but ok.” I took that as “you’re really stupid and off.”
I guess I felt like a bad girl. I didn’t listen or get it right. It made me want to run away like I did as a kid. Get the hell out of there. And I did.
I guess I can just communicate tomorrow. And tell them how I felt.
To get back into affinity and friendship. Cause right now I hate both of them. “Fuck ’em” as my father would say.
OK, that feels better. I was blaming myself thinking I’m the bitch. I’m the wrong one. It’s all my fault.
Fuck that. I’m done with that. I’ll just say what I don’t think I should say. Until we are friends again.
I’m sad about my mom and my friend’s wife. And another guy who dropped dead this week. I know it’s all a part of life, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it!!!!!
Thanks for listening. I’m finally letting the tears out. And that’s a good thing for me!!!
Getting Real!!! Have a good night!!!