Opportunity for Growth and SHAME

“I’ll be there at 4:00,” my daughter texted. “I’m on my way.”

So I wait. And wait. And wait.

At 4:30 I texted her. Where are you?

Nothing.

I called.

“Oh, I’m at Bar Taco talking to the bartender.”

“What?”

“I came here to meet Jesse.”

“What? You texted me that you were coming here. You were on the way. WTF?”

I hung up. I sent some very nasty texts and emojis. Then I blocked her.

I stared at my phone. Very immature.

I unblocked her. After all, she’s my daughter.

She wanted to know if she should come here now.

Nope.

I’m too livid.

And, I know I’m being immature, unforgiving, and she probably just forgot.

It’s just that it’s my fucking incident. Forgotten, left behind, irrelevant, not important.

Fuck this. I’m just going to allow myself to be disappointed. I was looking forward to seeing her. She’s fucking leaving tomorrow.

She wants to know if I want to see her after she gets her computer. I really want to get her back and punish her. I know, I’m immature, spiteful and malicious. I’m evil and on it.

I’m just going to stay mad for a little while longer and not respond. I’m not over it yet.

dum dee dum dee dum dee dum………….

still mad

dum dee dum dee dum dee dum

still mad – and I know I’m supposed to be the parent, here, folks!!! I’m just being how I am………….more later………………………………………..I need to calm down

OK, more immaturity. My text: “I’ll say I’m coming to see you but I won’t really come. I’ll just have you wait all night wondering what happened to me. That’s a good plan.”

Can you believe what a jerk I am? It’s kind of fun. Let’s see what she says……….

She wants to know what I want to do. I guess I’m not growing. I’m still mad. I don’t want to go there and see her, my mom, and Mark.

Maybe growing is staying here and taking care of me. Not going when I don’t want to. Being how I am.

I don’t know.

I guess the problem is I think I shouldn’t be mad. That I should get over it. That when someone tells me they are coming and doesn’t, and doesn’t bother to let me know, that it’s ok. It’s my fault for being upset.

And, she probably forgot. Does that make it ok? Does that mean I should just forgive and move on?

I’m just not up for that right now. I need to just BE with my disappointment. I’m listening to the waves. I’m breathing. I’m allowing myself to BE.

OK – still haven’t responded. I figured out my problem in the shower. Here is the conversation I had with myself:

  • you’re being an idiot
  • she probably just forgot
  • get over it
  • be the adult
  • you’re being a jerk
  • and my favorite: YOU SHOULDN’T BE UPSET

But, like when I was two, I AM UPSET!!! She was on her fucking way, Jesse called, she went to him instead, and I’m left fucking waiting with no phone call that the plans changed.

Of course I’m upset. I can understand that she forgot, but that doesn’t alleviate my feelings. I’m allowed to have my feelings. They are legit. I don’t have to get over it until I’m over it.

I think that’s the growth. To ALLOW myself to have my feelings. I am NOT my feelings, but I can allow them.

I’ve also been thinking about the conversation with my ex-boyfriend. And, realizing that I got my hopes up again. And, that nothing will happen with him.

And that’s ok. It’s ok to dream. And to accept the facts. And to be disappointed. And to allow myself the fantasy.

And I can create a fantastic relationship with someone else. He’s not the only one on the planet. And, his good behavior doesn’t last that long. And I’ve seen his bad. It’s REALLY BAD. Mean, heartless, and cruel. So, the fantasy is truly that. I dodged a bullet, as my friend says.

A girl can dream.

And then move on.

Thanks for listening.

Note: I’m reading Daring Greatly, a book by Brene Brown who is a Shame Researcher.

Allowing myself to be ashamed creates vulnerability. That is the path to “Wholeheartedness” according to Brene. I ashamed of my behavior.

This blog is letting it all hang out. Should I really press PUBLISH?

Why not?

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