I Skipped a Couple, this is 6 A

OK, this one was difficult and I had to record twice.

The whole night I was just feeling uncomfortable about these videos, my book, reliving the past by rereading my book, and I can’t remember the other thing. Sad!!!

I tried to be with the body sensations but they didn’t go away. So I made this video. Twice.

The first was over 6 minutes and I thought that was too long. I hated my hair and thought I rambled. So I made it again.

It was still 6 minutes. So I made it public. You can tell me if it’s too long.

Oh yeah, the other thing was the on-line dating. I have so many emails and messages that I was freaking out. How can I get to them all? I don’t have TIME!!! I don’t know how to have a relationship. I wanted to hide. Escape from all of it.

This morning I was still a little calmer. Until I got to work, got embarrassed, and read that horrible email telling me how horrible I am.

Then, I got all messed up again.

Resolutions: I don’t have to respond to the on-line dating emails immediately. I can take my time. Go through them slowly and when it works for my schedule. And be calm. I don’t have to know what I’m doing. I’m practicing and willing to make mistakes. I don’t have to hide.

Being embarrassed – it’s uncomfortable but not fatal

Being disapproved of – it’s just their opinion, not the truth

Being told I’m bad – being bad is fun – I’m tired of pretending I’m good when I’m not

I lived through all of them. And here I am. After talking about it on the video, I am calmer and still breathing.

You can watch the video if you want to hear more details, especially about the book. Shush, it’s a secret.

OK, I have to get back to work.

Thanks for listening.

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Here’s my last for today

I’m just having too much fun.

Also, this on-line dating site has kept me very busy. I know it’s very early on and I’m a newbie, but I had 4 pages of messages to go through.

If nothing else, I can practice being my REAL self with these guys. Some are far away but “willing to relocate.” Whatever!!!

They are all very complimentary and it’s actually quite nice at this point in my life. I know my professional picture is very good and that’s the only one I posted.

Thanks for your comments and cheering me on. This video takes you outside on my deck. The first attempt shut my computer down so this is my second.

I’m actually going to a party tonight. I’m getting out of my house. Bringing wine and dessert. Yay me.

Have a great night.

And, as always, thanks for listening.

Third One – Feeling Exposed

Hey guys:

I am totally on a roll. I can’t stop thinking about what I want to say in my next videos. I am really excited AND also feeling exposed. That’s what I discuss in this video so I won’t repeat it here.

I’ve been trying to speak publicly the last few months. My next and last attempt is this Thursday. It’s hard and so much more work and aggravation than these videos. This is fun, easy and quick and requires no one to show up.

My worry (of course – I couldn’t just enjoy something) is that this will be something I start and then forget about. And, so what if it is. I’ll do it until I don’t. It won’t mean anything.

Also, I am tempted to critique the hell out of these videos. I’m sniffing, my wrinkles, etc., but why? What good is that going to do except shut me down?

So I will resist the urge. I am really excited.

Another thing: I signed up for an on-line dating site that is free. My masseur yesterday is on it and met someone he’s been seeing. Also, because what I am trying to “change” is that I’m constrained around men. I could justify why I am, but I won’t bother to go there.

I figured why not sign up? I am not investing hundreds like last time. This way if I don’t like it, it’s no loss.

I am not going to try to change that I am constrained anymore. I am just going to be how ever I am. If I’m gun shy, maybe that’s a good thing. Trust my instincts a little more. Don’t ignore the signs THIS TIME!!!

So I’ve learned and I’m in the game. I’m embarrassed to say all that. Again, feeling exposed. That’s what I decided I am willing to risk. Being the “real me” and possibly being rejected, disappointed, or criticized. It’s scary but it’s also very exciting.

And that’s all good. Hope you’re having a great day. More to come.

Thanks for listening.

I Did Another One! And I’m Crazy@@

I had this one marked private so no one could find it. Oops! I just fixed it. I have so much to learn.

And, I can’t remember what I said so now I’m worrying about repeating myself. I don’t want to have to watch them to figure it out!!! Scary that I can’t remember.

Update on my book:

We did not finish editing it. Today was the deadline and we missed it.

Tomorrow I was supposed to work on the cover with my daughter but “she wants to go to the beach.” OK, pleasant me says. That’s fine.

Well, what can I say? Don’t enjoy your life? Help me instead?

So, I’m missing an artificial deadline that I set.

Can I let it go? Experience freedom and peace?

Or, stay mad that the world is not working the way I WANT IT TO!!!!! I guess that’s about 3 years old.

I will merely set a new goal!! And set a new time that works for both of us.

Why lose sight of all the good I did the last two days!

The GOOD: I figured out how to do a video, how to save it (took 24 hours), that I had a youtube channel whatever that is, and how to upload TWO videos. Then I shared it and got lots of amazing feedback.

It was incredible. Better than I ever thought possible. Beyond my wildest dreams. Seriously!!!

And now I am lost in the muck. Even after such a wonderful day. Here’s my muck:

  • My sister is telling me about something my mother did. This is more evidence for why “she can’t be trusted and can’t be alone.” After hearing my sister’s version of things I get a little crazy. Is it the truth? Am I in denial? Is she right? Then I see my mother and I think everything is fine.
  • I can’t remember what I said on the first video. So I’m still worried about saying the same thing twice. Like that’s a freaking cardinal sin that I should get shot over. OY!
  • And, crazy enough, I’m afraid that I marked my second video private by accident because the universe think it’s sucks and is trying to prevent me from being embarrassed. (As if the universe has nothing better to do, right?)
  • I had to lend my son money AGAIN even though I said I would NEVER GIVE HIM MONEY EVER AGAIN. Well, what was I supposed to do, let him run out of gas on the way to work?
  • And, he hasn’t paid the car loan that is IN MY NAME, too because he ran out of money. (I should have known better, right? Why did I cosign the loan? Because he’s my kid!!!) OY OY
  • So, I’m missing my book deadline. I wanted to have my book ready for my next speaking engagement on Thursday. Oh well. Since I may not have anyone there it really doesn’t matter. Well that’s negative thinking. Yes it is. OK, fine. I’ll invite more people tomorrow.
  • I’m arguing with myself in public on this blog. Now I really think I’m crazy. Probably am. Better just accept it.

OK, I’m done. I hope it was amusing for you. It’s stuff like this that I think is over the edge and I should just delete, but who knows? Maybe this is the good stuff.

And, I don’t have to look at myself while writing like when I am doing the videos. That’s nerve racking for sure.

OK, thanks for letting me vent as always. I feel a little better now. I had a massage tonight and instead of relaxing all I did was talk the whole time. Well, I guess I needed to. It’s better than snoring.

Have a great night. Thanks for your listening, as usual.

OMG – I did it

Here is my first video!!!

My daughter gave me the go ahead. I know I was looking at my notes and I couldn’t help staring at the wrinkles above my lip.

But I did it. I don’t know how to rename this but that’s something new to learn.

I’m so happy I am moving forward.

More to come. Thanks for supporting me in this scary (I know, just body sensations) endeavor!!!

YouTube Channel

Hey guys, I actually have my own YouTube channel. Who knew that I created it in 2014. I certainly didn’t know I did.

I have decided in the last week that I will create my own channel and record short videos where I am being real. I’ve been told that I am funny. Let’s see if I am. And, who knows if this will work?

So far I have uploaded two videos. I had no makeup on and I was just ad-libbing to see if I could do it. It took me 24 hours to figure out how to save the first one. But I finally did. And then I figured out how to upload them to YouTube. Small victories. I am very proud of this.

My goal for the day is to do a video that I can use as my first public one. I am nervous and that’s ok.

If I wait to get it perfect, I’ll never do it. I will post the link when I figure out how to do it. And if I listen to my brain, I’m sunk before I start.

Here are some of the things my brain is saying:

  • you suck
  • you look like hell
  • you don’t know what you’re doing
  • you’re too old
  • you’re not funny
  • you’re an idiot
  • who the fuck are you to think you can do this?
  • no one will watch
  • you don’t know what you’re doing (again)
  • you’re too ugly, old and wrinkled for anyone to watch
  • get a grip on yourself
  • get real
  • etc,

I think you get the point.

And, I will do it anyway. You’ve got to be bad to be good.

One thing is sure. This will be the REAL ME. My purpose is to allow my people pleasing, not getting people upset, and having to be pleasant past to entertain, inspire, and empower other women. To use what I’ve learned to make a difference.

And, to have fun doing it. What I’m creating for my future is to get paid for:

  • listening
  • creating
  • entertaining
  • inspiring
  • empowering
  • acknowledging

And to create an expansion in the area of time and money.

NOTES:

Not looking good will be extremely obvious as the camera picks up all wrinkles, lines etc.

And, I am not going to get professionally made up for these, folks. It will never happen if I wait for that. Plus, I don’t have the patience.

So, wish me luck. I guess I can use the blog to say all the stuff I’m afraid to say on the video. That may work.

I am nervous to do a public one but so what? It’s just body sensations and I can keep a throw up bucket next to me just in case.

Have a great day. And, as always, thanks for listening.

Quickie

I have ten minutes. I’ll see what I can spit out in that time.

Then I’m going to see a potential new client.

I almost got on a webinar, but since they would have been able to see me and I had no shirt on, I didn’t think it was a good idea. Plus I had too much to do: get dressed, and clean up my dishes. Also, the underwear that was hanging on my chair drying would have been in full view of my camera. So I skipped it.

I’m writing to you instead.

I am thinking of doing a youtube channel whatever that means. And using my unusually honest and a tad sarcastic style as humor. A new Mrs. Maisel type thing.

My brain is saying “Really? I don’t think you’re that funny.”

And I answer, “I don’t either, it’s just that people tell me I am. So shut up.”

And that’s how my brain drives me crazy. In an ongoing argument with itself.

I thought I’d share it with you. See if it creates any FREEDOM AND PEACE.

Da dee dum. Still waiting for it……….da dee dum. No freedom yet.

Since I’m running out of time, I’m hoping I get some freedom and peace when I get to my car. Right now my brain is too busy figuring out what I should do, say, and be. And it’s not coming up with ANYTHING GOOD!!!

My goals:

  • Be free and peaceful – Grade D/F
  • Publish my book by next week – TBD
  • Figure out what I’m going to speak about next Thursday – ongoing torture
  • Invite more people – TBD
  • Keep my not eating hours to at least 12 – that seems to be as uncomfortable as I want to get for right now

OK, gotta go. More later. Have a GREAT F——–G DAY!!!!!