This Is How To Turn Into An Ex-Wife in Seconds

This is How To Turn Into An Ex-Wife in Seconds

If you want to turn into an ex-spouse, read this…

I had gotten divorced, and my ex-husband kept calling me his wife, which really, really annoyed me.

For two years, he would say it, and I would just cringe. I couldn’t stand it. I resented him. I was pissed off, but I never told anyone.

Finally, I told one of my friends.  

“God, I hate when he calls me that,” I said.

“Well, why don’t you say something?” they asked.

I thought about it.  I realized I was afraid. 

Even though we were not married anymore, we still had the kids. I was afraid if I told him, he would leave. He would just disappear, and then what would I do? I would have to be with my kids alone and handle everything myself.  As selfish as that sounds, that was my real thought.  

I know some people do that, but it was an irrational fear that if I told him, something bad would happen.

But one day I gathered up some courage.

“Look, I’m really afraid to tell you this, but something is really bothering me,”  I put my head in my hands and burst into tears. 

“What is it?  You can tell me…….” he said gently.

Between sobs I said, “It really bothers me when you call me your wife. I’m not your wife. We’re divorced.”

“Oh, okay. So I won’t call you that,”  he said matter-of-factly.

And that’s how I became an ex-wife in seconds.

So here’s my question to you. Is there something that really bothers you, and you resent someone, and it pisses you off, but you don’t think you can tell them because you’re afraid? 

Where is something like that in your life, where you’ve lost affinity and you’ve lost connection?  If you don’t like it, you just have to say it and your life will change in a few seconds.

Really the way I did it, he didn’t get mad. I just said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but it’s something that really bothers me.” And then I said it and it was fine. In the next few seconds, I had such freedom, the affinity was back, and we started getting along. 

Now, when something bothers me, I can just say, “Hey, I really don’t like that,” and it’s okay, and your life can change in a couple of seconds.

So that’s my story about how I turned into an ex-wife in seconds, just by saying what I didn’t think I could say. 

Hope you find your way to saying what you don’t think you can say, because I’m telling you, it’s awesome.

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How What I Thought Was Mean Turned into The Biggest Gift!

This Is How To Change Your Children’s Lives for The Better!

When I was in high school, I used to do a lot of things. 

✔️I was a cheerleader. 

✔️I was in the orchestra. 

✔️I was in the band. 

✔️I was in the chorus. 

✔️I played tennis. 

And I was a top student.. 

I would show up at my piano lessons in my cheerleading uniform, holding my flute, school books and tennis racket.

“You are a jack of all trades and a master of none,”  my teacher told me one day.  

I didn’t know what he meant but it didn’t sound good.  

I showed up to my lessons without ever practicing. I thought I was a pretty good sight-reader and I was getting away with it.

One day my piano teacher taped me.  He played back the recording.

“Stop it,” I said.  “Please turn that off.”  

I was shocked at how horrible it sounded.  I mean, here I thought I’d been getting away with it and he knew the whole time that I was not practicing. 

He taped me several weeks in a row and made me listen.  It was horrible.  Finally I cried to my mother about how mean this guy was. 

Being a music teacher herself, she couldn’t understand what was going on .  She went in to talk to him.

“Why do you make Hilary cry? What’s happening here?” 

His answer changed my life. He said, “Well, because she has talent.”

When my mother told me that, I couldn’t believe it.  

No one has EVER told me I had talent. All these years of piano, flute and harp lessons and I never once heard that I had talent.  I just went.  It’s what there was to do.   

After that, I started practicing. I practiced and practiced and practiced and had a senior recital that I’m very proud of. Taking lessons became something very different after that.  It became  something I was good at instead of just going because it’s what I was supposed to do.

I also figured out that that’s why he said I was the master of none.  I flitted from one thing to the next without really working hard at any of them.  In college, I became more focused on just a few activities.  I was elected captain of my squash team and the president of my sorority.  I was happy to finally be a leader.

What this lesson taught me was that Encouragement, compliments, acknowledgement, and telling somebody they’re good at something can change their lives. It’s way more effective than insulting them or being mean.

That’s what I started doing with my kids. And that’s what I try to do with everybody – tell them what’s good about them instead of what’s wrong or focusing on their mistakes. 

Is there anyone in your life that you could give a compliment to?

Is there someone to whom you could say:  “Wow, you’re really great at that. Keep going?

Or what about yourself?  Can you encourage yourself instead of what I was doing, which was tearing myself down and telling myself I was no good.

The encouragement and the compliment changed my life.  Could it change yours?  

Please let me know what happens.

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Annoyance – Ticket to Growth?

I am annoyed a lot of the time.

And it stops me.

When I’m annoyed, I want to eliminate the person, thing, group or task that is causing the discomfort.

This limits me from connecting with people, pursuing things, and being alive.

When I really look at the annoyance, it is a function of my relationship with myself.

I am annoyed because:

  • I’m comparing myself to others – they are happy, more accomplished, more skilled, look better, etc.
  • I don’t want to do something – familiar thoughts such as: I can’t, I don’t know how, I don’t want to because I’ve failed at it before, I don’t have time, etc. – it’s an internal whine that just has me reject the idea
  • I’m not where I think I should be – sales, relationships, weight, body, pain levels, etc.
  • I’m alone and everyone else has fun plans – and I know I didn’t try to schedule anything so it’s my fault so what am I even complaining about?
  • There’s things I feel like I should do – like see my mother more – and I just haven’t because I’ve been busy
  • I had some expectations that didn’t happen

So what does all this mean?

I don’t know. I guess I can just use being annoyed as a GATEWAY to freedom.

I can just be aware that being annoyed is where I stop. I can recognize it, and then see how what actions I can take.

Possible actions:

  • accept being annoyed
  • accept myself as is – annoyed and all
  • be present to what I am grateful for
  • go see my mother or see her tomorrow
  • keep tracking my food even though all I want to eat is chips (I’m cooking broccoli cause I like volume so that’s a step)
  • meditate, sit, be present, take a nap

I’m not quite out of the annoyance, but, I’m allowing myself to just be annoyed. Let me see what shows up…


Yesterday I was listening to a podcast. The guy who started Bullet proof coffee was being interviewed by Maria Schriver.

This guy lost 100 pounds and got really healthy. He does intermittent fasting, and only has one meal a day which includes organic vegetables and a small portion of grass fed meat. He says this way of eating can cure Alzheimer’s.

Since dementia seems to be hereditary and runs in my family, I got interested.

Here’s what got me stuck: I don’t want to only eat one meal a day. I like my chips and carbs and burnt chicken.

I DON’T WANT TO EAT LIKE HIM. I made that mean I will get dementia. Hence the suffering. Either eat like him or get dementia.

This reminds me of a story:

Back in the 90’s, I went to a spa. All we ate was vegetables, beans, and more vegetables. It was very strict but since that’s all there was and it was all cooked and served to us, it was fairly easy to do it there.

At home, no one was making me this healthy food. I knew I couldn’t maintain that strict healthy way of eating. Rather than do my best, I gave up. I revolted and started eating burgers and fries every day. The crazy thing was I NEVER ate burgers and fries or even thought of eating them before I went to the spa. It was weird.

I think when I don’t think I can do something perfectly, I give up. I am just BAD AND WRONG and nothing matters. Might as well just eat the damn fries. (Make sure they are crispy, though!)

Back to Mr. Bullet. I wish I had never heard him. And I did. So what can I do?

I can turn this from right/wrong, good/bad, into what can be workable. I can work in some of what he says if I want to and see if it works. I can try organic vegetables and grass fed meat after I eat what’s already in my refrigerator.

I can try bullet proof coffee again with the weird butter for breakfast and see if I feel better this time. I can even buy his book and try it gradually.

Or, I can just keep doing what I’m doing and be fine with it. I was happy before I heard him and I can be happy even though I heard his podcast.

Well, this is long. It’s been valuable for me. I hope it makes a difference for you in some small way.

Thanks for listening.

This Is How Being Suspicious Can Open Your Heart!

I connected with Ed on an online dating app.  We were texting back and forth and I (sort of!)  started interrogating him.

“Are you really local?”

“Where do you live?”

“What’s your address?”

I didn’t say “are you lying”, but I was being suspicious…

“Can I ask you a question?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said.   

 “Why are you suspicious of me?” 🤔 

“Hmmmm…..good question…..I guess because I know there are scammers out there,” I answered as if that made perfect sense. 😬 

“Well, have you had a bad experience?”

I looked and saw that I really haven’t. There’s been some annoying people 😏 that I’ve had to block, but I really haven’t had such a terrible experience. 

I proceeded to tell him about a couple of my friends who did have bad experiences. But through the telling of it, I realized, wow, I have two bad stories and that has made me a suspicious and fearful person.🙊 

“I’ve been acting like I’ve been terrorized or hurt or something. I’ve just been very suspicious and fearful,”  I said.  

“Look, live your life, open yourself up, go for it. Don’t be so closed,” he added.

I did some thinking about this.  What I realized is that I’ve had some disappointing relationships.  I’m afraid of making another mistake, that I don’t know how to pick people, that I can’t trust my instincts 😮‍ 💨.

I was reading a book called, ‘You Are Awesome’ 📘 It’s about failure. Thes guy who wrote the book had ten failed websites👨‍💻 before he had a winning one. Baseball players ⚾ who have the most success, also have the most failure. They just keep going. 👉 Failure doesn’t mean anything. Failure is just the way to success. 

I realized, I got gun-shy when my marriage and last relationship didn’t work out. I didn’t want to put myself out there again. 🙅‍♀️ It’s easier to be suspicious than to be vulnerable. 

“You’re going to scare everyone away if you keep acting this way,”  he added.  

I got quiet for a minute. What he was saying was true.

“Thank you,” I said.👍

I opened up my heart. ❤️

Is there any place where you’ve closed your heart❓

Are you living in fear like I’ve been? 

Take a look and see why. Share your stories with me in the comments. 👇 👇

See if you are willing to open your heart. ❤️

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When You Think You Can’t, Maybe You Can!!

I’ve been suffering this week.  I launched the pilot of my MasterClass, Getting Unstuck with Hilary and it was super successful.  Now I’m working on filling my next course.

Until a couple of days ago, I was telling everyone “I have zero people”. I didn’t know what to do and I was feeling powerless.

Then I saw the little plaque on my wall that says, ‘You Can Do This’. It reminded me that sometimes you have got to look at something a little differently. 

I decided to let go of what I was saying. And you know what?

What I was saying wasn’t even true. I DO HAVE people registered in my course, it just doesn’t look the way I thought it would.

Once I gave up telling my sad wrong story, I started seeing the situation differently. I didn’t have to be a victim anymore. I could see actions I could take.  

Since then I’ve gone up to 13 members. I still have 30 more hours tomorrow to fill it, and I am excited. 

Just by looking at things differently, I got my power back. 

I started thinking outside the box and I started sharing in a different way. I am really, really excited to start this new batch of people tomorrow. 

What I realized this week is if it doesn’t look a certain way then I get mad and I give up. But you know what? 

✔️I’m letting go of that because how do I know the way it should go? 

✔️Who am I to say how the universe is going to want to do things? 

How about you? Where can you let go of something and get your power back. Let me know in the comments.

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Jaded Dating: Where Did This Come From?

In my newsletter this week I talked about how I discovered I was a “Jaded Dater. If you haven’t subscribed and haven’t read it, please let me know in the comments and I will send you the link.

That being said, I have continued to look at my “stuff” about dating.

I remember in my single 20’s and 30’s when everyone (mother, sister, friends, relatives) was trying to fix me up with people. They would all give me advice for “how I should act” to the point that I was literally frozen. I didn’t know WHAT to do anymore. All the fun had been squeezed out of me.

“Don’t tell dirty jokes,” they would advise.

“Not everyone thinks you’re funny,” my aunt told me after she had fixed me up with her friend’s son. “Not everyone enjoys your jokes.”

“Really,” I wanted to reply. “Your friend’s son was awfully chummy with the waitress. How is that ok and my jokes weren’t?”

I didn’t ask that because I knew why he was chummy. It was because I was late. It’s a long story, but an entertaining one so I will tell it.

He was my second blind date of the evening. On the first, I had gotten stuck with my mother’s neighbor’s nephew. He wouldn’t let me leave until he figured out whether to break up with his girlfriend or not. It was based on if WE had a future together. (We had just met). I was so frazzled that night that I left my bank card in the machine in between dates and someone withdrew $400 from my account. Luckily, the guy’s girlfriend was honest and they returned the money with a scolding the next day.

“You are lucky my girlfriend is honest. I didn’t want to return it,” the guy said. “I wanted to teach you a lesson.”

Anyway, by the time I got to the second date, the guy I was meeting was laughing with the waitress. They had their own inside jokes and obviously didn’t appreciate my humor.


Other things I remember being told about dating that has me not be myself, nervous and JADED:

My mother:  Don’t let a guy know you like him because then he won’t like you anymore!!

My mother:  Eat like a bird when you go out so they don’t think you eat too much.  (And I remember one guy did comment on how much I ate. That was our first and only date. One of my friends ended up marrying him. I guess she didn’t eat much).

The Dating Game: I think I learned to try to figure out the “right” answer so they would like you. So much for being your real self.

My Uncle: Be whoever you have to be to get them to marry you. Then afterwards you can be yourself. (Seriously, dude, that is some messed up advice in my opinion).

A Friend Learned from Her Mother: Don’t date at all because if you have sex you are spoiled.

This is all fascinating to me. No wonder there is no freedom to date.

That’s why I’m now calling it “getting to know someone.” There’s no getting stuck, getting it right, or anxiety. (Well, ok, not as much anxiety.)

Stay tuned for more excitement on the jaded dating journey to freedom.

PS I ran into the first date years later. I asked him what happened to his girlfriend. Guess what he said?

“I married her.”

How A Tornado Taught Me a Valuable Lesson

My daughter and I were huddled up, shaking in my mother’s basement, waiting for the tornado to arrive. We didn’t know when it was safe to go back upstairs.

We were lucky, it didn’t hit my mom’s house but we did lose power.

Thankfully, my father had installed a generator before he passed away. We were grateful and doing ok until it stopped suddenly 3 days later.

The generator people said they would come fix up, but, due to high demand, they didn’t make it that Wednesday.

My daughter and I had gone out to try to charge our cell phones and we were not prepared to come home to an empty, dark house. We had no flashlights and didn’t know where my mom’s candles were. She was away so she couldn’t help us.

My daughter’s friends had asked her to go out with them. 

“Go, just go, I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine,” I kept repeating.

She kept saying, “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Go, have fun.” 

I was not going to ask her to not have a good time with her friends, but she kept asking me, “Mom, are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, thinking how terrified I would be getting there in the dark.

Mom, mom, mom, she kept saying. This went on for some time. I didn’t want to ask for help.

Finally, I REALLY thought about it.

“No, I’m not okay,” I blurted out, bursting into tears as usual. ” I have no idea where the flashlights are. I’m going to be home all alone in the dark. Would you come home?” 

“Yes, it’s fine, I’ll come, I was just waiting for you to ask. Why do you have to be so strong? Why do you always think you have to do it all by yourself?” 

“I don’t know. I wanted you to have fun and I didn’t want to be weak. I didn’t want to look weak.”

She came with me and we made it through the night. In the morning, not only did I find flashlights, but the generator got fixed. We had made it.

That tornado taught me that I don’t have to be so strong and I can ask for help, and I am really grateful for such a wise daughter. 

Where are you being a victim? Where do you think you have to do it all alone and you can’t ask for help because you have to look strong? 

Trust me, it’s a lot easier when you can just say you know what, it would be really nice if you were there with me. That’s what I learned. 

I’d love to hear about your experiences about times when you were trying to handle it all, but on the inside, you were screaming for help. Let me know in the comments.

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This is How Failing Can Turn Into Something Great!

Did you ever do something you thought was really great?  And the reaction from your parents wasn’t what you wanted to hear?

When I was 11 years old, I had ONE B and the rest A’s.

“Why did you get the one B?” my father asked.

I know he was kidding, but my whole life, I’ve been kind of a victim about how I can’t get it right.

No matter what, it’s never going to be okay.

No matter what I do, it’s never enough.

I always joke about how if I won the Nobel Peace Prize, I would ruin the moment by whining, “Well, I should have gotten it last year!” 

 Isn’t that crazy?

I haven’t recognized any of my accomplishments because there was always something that I could have done better.  I only saw what I didn’t do!

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt that, but that was how I felt, always suffering like a victim.

What I realized is a lot of people have that story, and IT’S JUST A STORY!  

What if we could be present to our accomplishments?  Imagine the change in our outlook and energy.  Imagine how we would feel about ourselves. 

What if when we were failing we said  “Wow, I need to get better.  Aren’t I courageous for trying?”

That would be different, wouldn’t it?

Here’s what I learned:

  • It’s okay not to be perfect. 
  • It’s okay to have room for improvement. 

It’s okay for me to hear,  “Hey, you need a little more energy in these videos,” or, “Hey, what do you think you did differently that you are up 1 pound?” (yikes) 

It doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t mean I’m not okay and that my life is bad.

That one report card where I got the one B was pretty awesome, and even though the next time I went on to get all A’s, you know what? 

There really was no difference in my life between the one B and the all A’s. 

I love you, Dad. 

I miss you, Dad. 

It’s okay.  

We are not our results. 

We can be free, we can learn new things, we can be bad to be good and just keep going, keep having fun and enjoying our life.

So I don’t know if there’s any areas in your life where you say, “Oh, gee, if only I had done that. If only this, if only that.” 

Well guess what?

It doesn’t really matter. You can still enjoy your life, you can still be free, and you can still have fun.

I hope this helps you alter your relationship to failure and use it to empower yourself instead of feeling bad! It’s okay not to be perfect!!

Let me know in the comments about how you deal with failure.

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7 Steps to Stop Suffering

I’m going to lead a breakout session in a course I’m in and need to pick a topic by tomorrow.

I’d like the inquiry to be one that I am interested in rather than one where I think I know the answer.

I’m looking at Being vs Suffering

Today I was being present and enjoying my life. I was about to lead a “planning” call and took a look at how I’m doing on my own plan. By Oct 21 I will transform 4 areas – career, home, course and relationships.

I’m doing great on my career and my home. I am sticking and choosing “what is.” I saw what wasn’t working and added workability to both.

  • I am staying in my winter beach cottage and enjoying the winter months. I will relook at “home” when I have to move in the spring.
  • In my career, I saw that it was one little piece that wasn’t working and I am redesigning it so that that piece works as well. Most of what I want is already in place.

In dating and in my course, I was doing fine until I looked at my results. All of a sudden I started suffering. I had a terrible date on Tuesday and I currently only have 1 person registered for my course starting in October.

My old familiar “story” kicked in: I can’t have what I want, I’m stupid for thinking I can, and it’s really all hopeless.

Wow. In an instant my thoughts got “stuck” in their old patterns and the suffering began.

How to bring BEING to my story?

  • See that I made it all up
  • See what the payoff is for keeping it in place.

The payoff is that I get to be a victim, right about how I can’t have what I want, and powerless to do anything about it. While that doesn’t SEEM like a payoff, it gets me off the hook for putting myself out there and being vulnerable. It’s safer to just stay stuck.

What can I do about it?

  • Recognize the story
  • See if I really want to stay stuck in my story
  • If so, keep it and suffer
  • If not, let it go and
  • Get back into action.

I can take a whole bunch of actions:

  • Select more guys
  • Dress up and feel good about myself
  • Get out of my house
  • Share about my course
  • Talk about my book again
  • Schedule podcasts
  • Schedule book talks.

There are actions I CAN take when I stop making myself wrong. The world opens up and I get my power back.

That’s a miracle.

So what can my inquiry be about?

From Suffering to Being?

What’s Being In Relationships?

What’s Being in Regards to Our Self and Our Stories?

What’s Being with Regards to Our Future?

Something like that. Nothing is jumping out at me yet. Well, I will meditate on it and pick something by tomorrow. It’s a work in progress.

Thanks for listening.

My Boobs Didn’t Go to Harvard, But They Did Go to Wharton!

I was in a Vacation Course in Mexico about having freedom with our bodies.  

The suggestion over one of the breaks was:  “Maybe you want to talk to your bodies.” 

I went back to my room and looked in the mirror.

“My boobs need a conversation,”  I thought. 

“You know what, I’m sorry that I’ve been ashamed of you my whole life,”  I said out loud to my boobs.

A memory popped into my mind.  Bob, my 9th grade boyfriend, repeated a comment his step-father had said to him.

“Wow, I didn’t realize Hilary was so well endowed,” his step-father had said to him.

I was embarrassed. I didn’t want people making those comments. It made me uncomfortable, and I kind of walked hunched over after that. I tried to hide my boobs so people wouldn’t notice them.  All of a sudden I was ashamed of my boobs.

That day in the hotel I stared at my boobs.  They seemed to answer me inside my head.

“Hey, maybe he was just an inappropriate pedophile, or an inappropriate pervert, and he should not have made that comment.”

“Wow.” I stood up straighter.  I never thought of that.  Maybe I didn’t have to be ashamed.  Maybe it was just an inappropriate comment.

I went back to the class and I told them the story.

 “Wow, you have really smart boobs,” one of the participants said.

“Yeah, I do,”  I said.  

There was one person in the course who kept bragging about how she went to Harvard.  It was annoying.

“Hey, my boobs didn’t go Harvard,” I added. “But they did go to Wharton.”

Everyone laughed.

And through that, I got freedom not to be ashamed of my body. It wasn’t my fault he said that comment. He was just inappropriate. 

I starting being proud of my body after that. I started standing up taller and walking differently and my life has never been the same.  That was a miracle.  

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