Not feeling well – cold and headache since Tuesday – now it’s Thursday and it shows no evidence of leaving me

Saw an old flame Tuesday from behind. It messed up my mind. My freedom and peace have disappeared for two days.

I called a friend in publishing today. I wanted suggestions for how to market my book. Instead, what I got was what is wrong with my cover and how no one will be able to find it or read the sub-title. More on my video.

My motrin expired in 2018. More on the video.

I used up my box of tissues and my nose is still running

I’m hot then I’m cold – right now I am hot and about to sneeze

My head is stuffed the fuck up

OK that was fun. That’s what I don’t think I can say. That was COMPLAINING!!!!!

The good stuff:

I found another box of tissues

Fuck the bitch for telling me what was wrong with my book – that’s not what I was calling to hear, AND, I get that’s her job – I’m over it – I didn’t set out to do a perfect cover – I set out to publish my book and I DID THAT!!! Fuck you very much, bitch.

OOPS -this is supposed to be the good stuff – ok, I say that with love. Kiss kiss kiss.

I’ve been in action with work – setting appointments – the fact that over half don’t happen is just part of the game, right? I can only control MY ACTIONS, not theirs.

I am drinking cocoa tea. I may switch to alcohol. Last night I found hard seltzers in my fridge. I drank two. I tracked the points, had a nice numbing buzz and had a great sleep. What could be bad about that?

Tonight I might break out my wine. I can’t drive or see anyone since no one “wants to get sick.” So why not? As long as I track my points, it’s all good!!!!

So what if I stopped drinking at home without meaning to – this is an emergency!!!!

OK – so I’m numbing myself. Seeing that guy really threw me for a loop. And I didn’t even talk to him. It’s my brain that is making up shit. UGH UGH UGH

OK, enough. This is making me feel worse, not better. Here’s the video:

The title doesn’t really relate to the video, but I’m not in the mood to care. Let’s see if people find it.

WHATEVER!!!

I shouldn’t have blogged or recorded today. BUT I DID!!

I’m going to break out my wine.

Have a good night.

PS I just added a new author to my Amazon Author profile named, Hilary A Burns. We will see if that works. One comment taken care of………

I love that term. I made it up today.

I did an experiment that I talk about on my video. Or at least I tried to describe it. It was hard to put it into words. Very hard.

I allowed myself to experience, instead of resist, my funk. And, I broke through it rather quickly!!! It was very cool.

Here’s my story:

In the morning, I just didn’t feel excited. I didn’t want to work. My body felt off as well.

I tried sharing it. That started the ball rolling.

I tried getting deeper into it without resisting it.

I tried to work, but I was still so negative that I stopped – I knew I wouldn’t have good results with my shitty attitude. I was going to be right that no good would come from my efforts. So why bother doing it?

I got on my couch and meditated.

The video describes my process. It was very cool.

Anyway, that’s all she wrote for today, folks. Gotta get on a call.

I will just say that I feel like I’m back to the excited person I was on Thursday before the shit hit the fan and I turned into “an asshole” and fell onto the suck side of life.

I am back to the right side, folks! The process worked.

Hallelujah!

Thanks for listening and have a great night!

I am now taking notes that are big enough for me to see. I can take them with me and use them instead of needing a magnifying for the pages they gave me.

It’s amazing how complicated this was for me. I was totally resisting learning this script for work. Like a 3 year old. All day I was avoiding doing this even though it is one of my goals for 2020.

Well, I uncovered alot in this video.

And since then I remembered:

• The way I learn is to take notes.
• Then I study my notes.

I started doing that while this video was processing. I am on my way.

I’m not having fun yet, but at least I am out of paralysis and into action.

It is progress.

Have a great night.

Thanks for listening.

Going to work on my goals so I don’t have time to write more.

I’ll share both videos that I did today. One is long. I was working through yesterday’s issue again. I think I’m finally free.

The second one was something I needed to say about doing these videos.

I just found where the comments were on my videos. So nice. I responded.

That’s it.

Second One

Someone shared a youtube video with me and I watched it. Then Abraham Hicks came on automatically. I guess that is what I needed to hear. It’s called:

Let Your Magic Come Back. I sort of wish I could see them, but it’s just a recording.

That’s it. My friend’s about to arrive.

Thanks for listening.

I am in the quiet part of the public library so I can’t do a video.

I am trying to work through the aftermath of an email I received a couple of hours ago.

A client told me that she heard I had spoken inappropriately to an employee, trying to recruit them away from her company. I was no longer allowed on their premises.

Come again? Seriously?

I have responded twice telling her that I am a professional and would never try to recruit a happy employee.

I think the person I was talking to (I’m finally remembering after a couple of hours), was complaining that she might not have a job there. So I mentioned our sales opportunity. I think that’s what happened. I always mention our sales openings when someone is looking for a career opportunity.

She must have reported me and told some other version of what happened.

I was upset because this woman, I will call her Jane, dismissed me without the chance to discuss what happened.

This happened to me before. I was accused of sharing another employee’s salary with someone. That company didn’t let me come back for a year. Now, they do, but they watch me like a hawk.

I would never tell someone someone else’s salary. That’s ridiculous. I wouldn’t do that. But I had no opportunity to defend myself. Once accused, I was guilty.

While I know things happen that we can’t control, I guess I felt betrayed by Jane. I have known her for about 8 years. While we are not friends outside of our open enrollments, I thought she liked and respected me.

AND, JUST LAST WEEK, I let go of letting what other people say or do affect me. Just last week. I thought I was free and over that.

Guess not!!

This has obviously hit deep. My ACT is that I am nice, a team player, professional, and GOOD.

This doesn’t happen to GOOD people.

But as I have seen with my book, in actuality, I am not always that good. I make mistakes. I do things that seem right in the moment, only to not seem so right afterwards. I do the best I can.

I guess I am human. I guess shit happens. And I guess this woman is doing the best she can. Her communication was her best at that moment in time.

If I’m really honest, that client was a waste of my time. They had been turned off of AFLAC when my former husband talked too long during a presentation many years ago. He was given ten minutes and talked for 30.

We haven’t been able to meet with the employees since then. If you can’t see them, you can’t take care of them or sell them anything. So what am I holding onto really?

I guess I can let it go. We are all human beings doing the best we can. If this is her best, that is ok.

If I made a mistake talking to that employee, then I will learn from that experience.

OK, I feel much better.

Thanks for listening.

Have a great day.

Here is my video where I talk about how productive I’ve been. I am amazed at what I am accomplishing.

All because I made some 90 day plans. Who knew?

I forgot to mention in the video that last night I listened to an interview with Oprah and Lady Gaga.

A few days ago, on instagram, I had seen a snippet of Oprah running back stage and embracing Lady Gaga (Stephanie) and telling her what an amazing job she had done.

I wondered about it for a few days. Lady Gaga looked like she was in shock and Oprah was just hugging her and telling her she did great.

Last night I saw the podcast on Oprah’s Super Soul channel.

I listened to it driving home. I couldn’t stop. Usually I just listen to the rest the next day. Last night I kept listening when I got home. I finished it.

Lady Gaga was unreal. She was so honest and raw about what she’s been through that I was completely in awe and inspired.

She told about how she is handling her chronic pain and mental health. She hid nothing. It made me feel that I have nothing to hide.

That I can continue being the Real Me.

i was blown away by her courage and vulnerability. She said she asked God to guide her in speaking and I believe that’s what happened. (My opinion). She was in the flow.

God bless her and all of us for our unique journeys and challenges.

As Joel Osteen says, “God isn’t surprised what happens to us. He knows we can handle it. It’s the way we get stronger.”

Well, sometimes that’s helpful and sometimes it isn’t.

I mean, sometimes it just seems too much to handle. Like when my dad died. But three years later, the pain has eased. I miss him, but I experience love when I think of him, instead of pain.

And with my mom’s decline. It seems unbearable at times. But, like with my dad, I know I will get through it and in time the sadness will ease.

It’s life and we don’t always have to like it.

That’s all I’ve got tonight.

Thanks for listening.

I almost keep forgetting that I gave up thinking people are not responding to me. And, that I’m not all those negative names I call myself. Here’s what happened this morning:

Two guys at the gym were literally just doing their thing:

• one got up and walked out – I almost made the fact that he didn’t look at me (I mean, why should he?), mean that I will never have a relationship with a man
• one said hi to someone in the middle of our conversation – I almost made that mean that I am fat and old and no one will ever think I’m attractive. Well, I started to but then caught myself.

I stopped myself thinking that those actions meant that I couldn’t have the life I wanted.

It makes no sense. Only I’ve been living that way for 60 years. I am only glad that I finally distinguished it.

Right now I am waiting at a client’s. I showed the receptionist (who I know), my book.

“I know. I already congratulated you on it,” she said.

What I started thinking was, “fuck you. It’s a big deal whether you already said it or not.” How rude!!!

And as I sit here, I remember, that she is not responding to me. She’s not the only person that thinks if they tell me once, they need to remind me about it. And, not be excited for me.

I don’t HAVE TO feel dismissed.

And, does she think that I honestly remember who congratulated me on Facebook? There were at least 70 and I didn’t memorize who they were!!!

Should I NOT have shown her the book?

It’s like when you are introducing two people. Do you err on the side of not introducing them if they don’t know each other? Or introduce them just in case and risk that they HAVE already been introduced.

I think I used to just feel stupid about everything I did. Now, I am in the process of just recognizing it’s their stuff and NOT ABOUT ME.

Can I let it go?

Yes. (Actually, I talked to the girl later after my appointment was over. She admires me and gushed compliments over me. Her initial reaction obviously had nothing to do with how she feels about me.)

It’s so interesting.

Also, I am seeing where fat girl-too old to be attractive talk gets triggered. Ummmm…….everywhere. So, when I see it starting, I try to change what I’m saying.

I am attractive, lovable, and create success with freedom and ease. Hows that?

OK, they are coming in. Gotta go.

LATER IN THE DAY:

And, there are amazing guys everywhere to meet. They are all interesting and I’m excited to get to know lots of them.

(That’s to replace there’s no one I see that I want to date!!!!) My daughter called me out on my negative thinking about men last week on the way to the airport – OOPSIE.

Meanwhile she’s in Australia somewhat near where the fires are blazing out of control.

I am calm (sort of). She told me she would let me know when to worry and so far, she hasn’t.

Here’s the video. Some of it is what I just wrote about. I was musing about my brain and how negative it is.

And also what was fun about today. I’m making a list of things that bring me joy and excitement. What a novel concept?

Have a great night!!!

Thanks for listening.

I have this issue in my mind.

This video was me trying to work out where I STAND.

It helped me to see that I am in the middle of two warring sides. I don’t like being in the middle. I don’t like conflict.

This helped me to see:

• what I could say
• what I was making things mean
• where there are shoulds
• what I agree with and disagree with

It’s a little long but in case it helps someone else I am going with it. I don’t know if other people get caught in the middle. Maybe it’s only me.

My old, pleasant, unwilling to speak up and get someone mad self.

OR NOT? Maybe I’m smart not to get involved.

THERE IS NO RIGHT!!!!

OK, gotta go. I have a call in 5 minutes.

Thanks for listening.

I went on my a webinar today. It talked about “Guest Posting.”

Susie Moore was fabulous. It was a great sales pitch. She invited us to CHAT, send questions, tell her our dreams and goals:

“What do YOU want?”

“Do you feel this is right for you?”

I was right in there with her. It looked like a fabulous system for making lots of money effortlessly and with little time. Who wouldn’t want that?

I was almost tempted to ENROLL. Remember, I’m the salesman’s dream.

But I didn’t. I am so proud of myself. I did NOT press the button to SPEND MORE MONEY.

YAY ME!!!

And I loved the idea she was selling: Guest Posting.

And I realized I’ve already done it. I’ve been published on ThriveGlobal.com.

I had forgotten.

So, like I was sharing in my earlier blog, I don’t need to GIVE MY MONEY to everyone who has a good idea. I’m sure Susie Moore’s program is awesome.

And still, my heart was racing when I looked at the ENROLL button. It was the same stress I felt the last two times I signed up for stuff.

I stopped to think. I really didn’t WANT to do her program. I just want the results. Wow!

I am proud of my restraint. And, I am proud that I just published an article. Here it is:

https://thriveglobal.com/stories/comfortable-or-courageous/

It was easy, just like Susie Moore said.

I’m going to look for more opportunities for free information. It’s GOOD STUFF! After all, they are giving it away.

OK, I have to get on a call.

Have a great Sunday.

Thanks for listening.

Do I post the video I just did on Facebook?

Am I going to be “comfortable or courageous” per Brene Brown?

Good question. I’ll let you know in a few minutes. Let me get some coffee…….

OK I did it. Not sure if I did it right, but I allowed my butterflies as I pressed the button. I posted it to my story and then I think I posted it to the regular site. Who knows?

Whatever!

I gave up getting it right.

Here’s what I posted:

I posted it as premier on my YouTube channel because I was tired of hearing that first one whenever I went to my site.

I’m watching my thoughts change to:

• you don’t now what you are doing
• you shouldn’t have done that
• what an idiot
• LOSER

And I am replacing them with:

• I AM COURAGEOUS
• I AM A PIONEER

WOW! That’s a miracle!!! WHOOPEE!!

Also, I signed up for a free webinar today on public relations. At first I thought I was dumb. They have a great marketing mechanism – I found them on instragram. I know they are going to want me to pay for their services. I fell for it with the last two companies I “tried out” and had a hard time cancelling and getting my money back. It was a pain in the butt.

But then I had a realization.

I don’t have to sign up. I don’t have to give them my money. I am in control, NOT THEM. I don’t need to be a powerless victim. Why did I think I did?

I remembered 5 years ago when I WAS IN CONTROL:

When I got divorced, I took advantage of the free half hour that many lawyers will give for free. I learned what I needed to. I said no to the $25,000 retainer. I didn’t need or want to pay it. I didn’t have a lot of money, and what little I had scrounged during my marriage, I wanted to KEEP.

I did my divorce for under $500. I did pay a financial mediator $1000, but that was totally worth it. It helped up divide up our assets. I think I might have had the least expensive divorce in human history. And I came out unbelievably well. People can’t believe what I did – myself – just paying for 20 minute increments at a time.

So, in 34 minutes I am going to learn about public relations. FOR FREE!! I AM IN CONTROL!!! I don’t have to fall for THEIR PITCH!!

I’ll keep you posted.

I am excited to be the new, courageous, NOT people pleasing me.

Happy New Year’s! I really do FEEL like it’s a NEW DECADE!!

Thanks for listening.