Seriously?

I almost keep forgetting that I gave up thinking people are not responding to me. And, that I’m not all those negative names I call myself. Here’s what happened this morning:

Two guys at the gym were literally just doing their thing:

• one got up and walked out – I almost made the fact that he didn’t look at me (I mean, why should he?), mean that I will never have a relationship with a man
• one said hi to someone in the middle of our conversation – I almost made that mean that I am fat and old and no one will ever think I’m attractive. Well, I started to but then caught myself.

I stopped myself thinking that those actions meant that I couldn’t have the life I wanted.

It makes no sense. Only I’ve been living that way for 60 years. I am only glad that I finally distinguished it.

Right now I am waiting at a client’s. I showed the receptionist (who I know), my book.

“I know. I already congratulated you on it,” she said.

What I started thinking was, “fuck you. It’s a big deal whether you already said it or not.” How rude!!!

And as I sit here, I remember, that she is not responding to me. She’s not the only person that thinks if they tell me once, they need to remind me about it. And, not be excited for me.

I don’t HAVE TO feel dismissed.

And, does she think that I honestly remember who congratulated me on Facebook? There were at least 70 and I didn’t memorize who they were!!!

Should I NOT have shown her the book?

It’s like when you are introducing two people. Do you err on the side of not introducing them if they don’t know each other? Or introduce them just in case and risk that they HAVE already been introduced.

I think I used to just feel stupid about everything I did. Now, I am in the process of just recognizing it’s their stuff and NOT ABOUT ME.

Can I let it go?

Yes. (Actually, I talked to the girl later after my appointment was over. She admires me and gushed compliments over me. Her initial reaction obviously had nothing to do with how she feels about me.)

It’s so interesting.

Also, I am seeing where fat girl-too old to be attractive talk gets triggered. Ummmm…….everywhere. So, when I see it starting, I try to change what I’m saying.

I am attractive, lovable, and create success with freedom and ease. Hows that?

OK, they are coming in. Gotta go.

LATER IN THE DAY:

And, there are amazing guys everywhere to meet. They are all interesting and I’m excited to get to know lots of them.

(That’s to replace there’s no one I see that I want to date!!!!) My daughter called me out on my negative thinking about men last week on the way to the airport – OOPSIE.

Meanwhile she’s in Australia somewhat near where the fires are blazing out of control.

I am calm (sort of). She told me she would let me know when to worry and so far, she hasn’t.

Here’s the video. Some of it is what I just wrote about. I was musing about my brain and how negative it is.

And also what was fun about today. I’m making a list of things that bring me joy and excitement. What a novel concept?

Have a great night!!!

Thanks for listening.