I was feeling great.  I was on a call for the last hour with some really cool people.  There was no point to it except to share what you wanted to share.

I told them how stuck I was before I wrote the last blog.

“Wow, you’re so alive,” the host said.

“Well, you should have seen me before I wrote it,” I said.

Later I told them about my Boston weekend.  How nervous I was to go but that I grew out of the experience of being uncomfortable and doing it anyway.

“Wow, you’re so alive,” the same gentleman said again.

I was happy for most of the call, but when I got off, I noticed that I was feeling really stupid.  I was doing what I said I was going to do which is saying what can’t be said even though I’m afraid people will think I’m crazy, negative, and did I say really crazy?

I have a rule that if someone mentions my share, it was a good one.  Just something I made up.  It means they liked it and it made a difference for them.

And, someone did mention my first share.

So what’s the problem?  Why am I feeling so stupid?

………Oh, no one mentioned my second one.

Isn’t that a little crazy?  YES.  That’s what I’m afraid of being.  And here it is.  It’s like a vicious cycle trying not to seem crazy and being afraid that I really AM CRAZY!!!!!!

“We love your crazy,”  someone had told me last year.

“You do?”  I asked, shocked.

“It’s what makes you, you,”  she said.

Well, that’s something I also forgot.  Instead of trying not to seem crazy, I can just own it.  When I was young, I was proud of the crazy things I did.

Why am I trying to hide it now?  Trying to be good?  Trying to fit in?

I hate fitting in.  I love to be different.

OK, thank you.  Once again I feel better now that I’ve shared all that.  It really helps to get it out of my head whatever way I can.  I don’t know if this makes sense but I am tired so I’m just going to hope it does………..

This writing seems to really help me.  I think I will be able to sleep now instead of worrying that people think I’m crazy.

I AM.  And it’s a GOOD CRAZY!!!  YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!

PS  If this is the only post you’ve read, please read others!!!  I’m not taking the time to really edit it.  I’m feeling better about the CRAZY so don’t want to GO CRAZY rereading it over and over  (that’s a joke – good night!!!!)

I am really in a mood.  I would really like to pour myself a stiff drink.

Instead, I am going to just vent, see what happens, and hopefully create a new reality for myself.  Here goes:

It seems like I am messing everything up today.  Like everything I do is wrong.  (And it’s not really.  I’m doing quite well.  It just seems that way right now).

Here’s what happens:

• My daughter is upset because the guy that was so attentive is not as attentive anymore.  I’ve been trying to make her feel better but it seems like whatever I say just upsets her more.  So I told her I’m not going to say anything anymore.  (And I know that’s very immature of me and I’m just being a victim).
• A new associate was supposed to hit 30 drops and after 20 he stopped and went to do errands.  That’s about an hour’s worth of work for the day.  WTF?  I know being in sales is hard, but one can’t really expect to make money without putting in the work.  I texted him saying to let me know if he will hit his weekly target because I have some accounts that I want to give out.  I told him that if he hits his activity goals I will bring him with me to accounts.   (I’m questioning myself and wondering is motivating or not.  I guess I can ask him tomorrow).
• We had a guest speaker at a meeting today and she is a maniac in a good way.  She takes new people in her car with her 5 days a week at first to teach them the business.  Plus she has 4 kids.  Plus she writes three times as much business as me.  I am just feeling like a slacker.  I’m too old for that.  I’m too tired.  Good for her.  (But inside I feel like a loser).
• My weight was up a pound today.  (Not what I expected or thought it should be.  Makes me want to scream and hurt someone.  When it goes in the wrong direction I just feel powerless like I don’t know what to do and can’t do anything about this.  It makes me want to just lie down and give up – not a new thing, but it’s here again so it feels new).
• I just want to sleep.  It feels like nothing matters and I am wrong and the world is wrong.  Actually, I’m listening to the waves crash outside and looking at the water and it’s great.  So, I feel like a jerk for feeling so negative.  (See how I can turn a good thing into a negative?  I’m really good at it.  Pollyanna people would definitely not relate to this so please don’t read this if you are one.  I put a disclaimer somewhere on my blog that this blog is not for positive people).
• I shouldn’t be this way.  It’s not ok.  I should be happy and perky and wonderful.  And, I’m not.

OK, that didn’t really help.  I guess I just I need to stop resisting the negative feelings.  Just be with them.  Allow them.  Allow my frustration.  Allow my failures to be.  Allow people to do what they do.  It’s not about me.

I was listening to a podcast with Tim Ferriss.  He was talking to Jack Kornfield I think.  He was talking about being angry about being angry (I think those were his words).  That’s how I get.  I’m upset that I’m upset.

My mother just called and asked why I wasn’t smiling (she did facetime by mistake).  So I put on a fake smile and she said that was better.

My story is that I shouldn’t be upset.  My mother wants me to be perky and if I’m not, I’m wrong and shouldn’t be that way.  It’s a 2 year old conversation and not very empowering, but it’s a recurring one in my mind.

So, like Tim, if I’m upset, I shouldn’t be and then I’m more upset about being upset.  It’s a terrible vicious circle.  If I stop resisting the upset, it actually goes away.

So, if Tim ever reads this, I hope that helps.  Just stop resisting and embrace the anger.  It won’t last as long I assert.

Back to me.  OK, I’m breathing.  Staying upset is fine.  Being frustrated is fine.  People not doing what I expect them to is fine.

Breathe.  Breathe.

OK, I’m feeling better.  See, I never know where these blogs will take me, but they almost always take me to more freedom.

Sharing and saying what can’t be said because I’m afraid people will think I’m just a crazy, negative, complaining loser and saying it anyway is very freeing.

Thanks for listening.

I have this thing when people don’t return my calls or texts.  I know it’s not the truth or real, but, my mind still thinks it is no matter what I tell it.  I don’t really know how to make it go away, so I’m going to try to write about it.

Now that I think about it, I think it happens if someone gives me a certain look, needs to get off the phone when I am talking, or has a certain tone.  I think it happens alot.

So here goes……..

Let’s say I send an email to someone and they don’t respond.  I think the following:

• They don’t like me
• I shouldn’t have sent it
• I’m annoying them
• I need to avoid them in the future
• They don’t want to play with me (5 years old on the playground)

Those are the majors.  Even though if I don’t respond to someone it’s usually because:

• I’m in a hurry and don’t have time
• it sunk below the line because I got too many emails that day and I can no longer see it
• I wanted to address it in a real way but couldn’t on my phone cause it’s too hard to type on those little letters
• I hit it so it didn’t look new anymore and so I didn’t notice that I hadn’t responded

Do those reasons have anything to do with how I feel about the person?  No.  (Unless they are soliciting me and I didn’t ask them to and it’s spam or something, but it’s still not personal to how I feel about the person).

OK, that was easy.  I can now see that it’s not personal at all for me.

If I really want the person to respond, I can send another email and another one, etc.  until they either tell me to stop or they respond.

Wow.  That is totally a miracle for me.  Really good.

Another thing I used to hide about myself was that sometimes I got upset.  I thought that you always had to look happy.  I thought that if people saw me get upset they couldn’t love me.

A wise person asked me what I thought about someone if they got upset.

Good question.  I felt honored that they would share their real self with me and closer to them because of it.

Oh.  I said.  Wow!!!  That really put another spin to it.  And I gave that one up then.

Sharing is a great access to freedom for me.  Sometimes I forget when I’m stuck, but more and more I have been getting into dialogue instead of staying in my crazy little mind, and I have to say, it allows me to Create Life Out Here in a really great way.

Thanks for listening.  I feel much better.  I hope you do, too!!!!!

The other day at the gym I ran into my old friend, Steve.  I hadn’t seen him for a while.  I used to see him every day  when we both went to the same gym at 5:00 AM.

Steve is one of the those people that makes you feel better about yourself.  He always has a compliment.  At first, I thought he was just a phony, but after I got to know him, I realized that he was the real deal.

We used to play a game.  I told him I wanted a little Stevie doll on my bathroom counter so he could spit out compliments whenever I wanted/needed one.  I would press on his chest (like it was a button) and he would say something nice.

“My you look nice today,” he would say.
“Gee your cheeks (butt, he meant) look nice and round.”  And we would giggle like teenagers.

“That green shirt really brings out your eyes,” was another one.

It was great fun and at that time in my life, it meant alot to me.  I was struggling in my marriage and the compliments were a welcome change to the way I was treated at home.

Now, I was having a hard time again.  When my dad died two years ago, I put on a few pounds.  I had numbed myself after the funeral with many of the desserts that people had brought over while we were sitting shiva.  I hadn’t been able to shed the extra chocolate babka weight since then.

Wondering if Steve had noticed, I walked over to him.

“Where have you been?”  he asked, giving me a hug.

“I go to the other gyms.”  I said.  “And I go later sometimes.   Hey, can I ask you something?” I whispered.

“Of course,” he said.

“I was wondering if you’ve noticed that I’ve gained weight?  I feel like……”

“Not at all,” he interrupted.  “You look as good as always.”

“Really?  You don’t notice my extra poundage?”

“No.   I love a girl with meat on her bones.   Just the other day one of the guys was looking at a skinny girl and said, ‘too skinny’.  No one likes a bony girl.”

“You sure you’re not lying?”

“No.  See that girl over there with the chunky thighs.  That’s my type.  Not the one over there who’s all skin and bones.”

“What about my belly fat?”

“Pah.  I like a little fat in the belly.  It’s something to grab.”

I walked away feeling shocked.  His reality was a new world for me.  I had never in a million years thought that the way I looked now was acceptable, let alone attractive.

A few days later I saw Ernie, my old friend from high school.  I asked him the same questions.

“I love butts, boobs, and bellies,”  he said.  He also pointed out the chunky girls that he liked, and the skinny girls that were too thin.

“Are you just being nice?”  I asked him.  He said he wasn’t.

Once again, I was amazed.  My father  had always said “you can’t be too rich or too thin.”  “Boys don’t make passes with girls with fat asses” was a prominent sticker on our refrigerator.  He thought it would motivate my sisters and I to not eat fattening food or “crap” as he called it.

I always thought I only mattered if I was at my “thin” weight.  And, I certainly am not at that weight right now.

I walked out of the gym thinking maybe there wasn’t an actual weight that existed where I either mattered or I didn’t.  Maybe it was something my little girl brain had made up.  Just maybe I could still matter, even at this weight.  And I’m still considering it.  I am not feeling as bad about how I look.  I’m looking at guys again and wondering if they too like “butts, boobs and bellies” like Ernie does.

Not that it only matters what guys think.  It’s just that I thought that what my father had said was the truth.  I didn’t know any different.  So the fact that some guys like a little meat on a girls bones is pretty damn cool.

Maybe I’m actually ok just as I am.  It’s certainly possible, isn’t it?

There’s been so much going on that I haven’t sat down to write.  Every day I think of what I should be writing.  But by the end of the day the thought of having to use my brain to think is just flat out unappealing.

By the time I put all my stuff away, fix a meal, clean up from the meal, get my stuff ready for the next day, and check in with my family, all I want to do is get into bed and be horizontal.

And, sometimes, even though I’m really tired, when I get into bed, my mind starts racing and it takes me hours to get to sleep.  Then, the next night, I’m even more tired.  And so it goes.

But now it’s Saturday.  And, I’m finally able to take a breath.  Last weekend I was away and got back late Sunday night so never got to chill.  So this is heaven.

I’ve had so many great experiences over the last few weeks:

• new paradigm for body image thanks to my guy friends at the gym
• learned to create win/win situations instead of being resentful and victimized
• got through another communication block with my mom
• stood up for myself at work
• was the top manager for the quarter in percentage of quota at my job
• submitted my book proposal to a real publisher after 6 years of rewriting my book
• and just today, created that I can create my life more powerfully than ever before

What have I had to give up?

• that I can’t
• that I don’t know how
• that people might not like me
• that I have to be good
• that I should be another way
• that no one can like/love me if I’m myself
• that I’m powerless

What I’m creating is:

• getting paid a lot of money to travel first class around the world, speaking and sharing my story and inspiring people to create lives that they love
• being successful is easy and fun and I CAN DO IT!!!
• creating an abundance of money and love
• Manifesting the love of my life who will travel with me and create a fabulous life together

And, my brain is going crazy saying I can’t say all this stuff “out loud” where people might see and think I am a ridiculous dreamer.  I am simply going to thank it for sharing and publish this anyway.

What do you want to create?

 

My premise when I used to coach people is that first they have to puke out what’s there before they can create something new.

I have been in the process of creating the relationship of my dreams.   For years.

Are you close one might ask.

And the inside me would say no I am the world’s biggest failure.

But the NEW ME says yes, I am so freaking close I can taste it.

But there might be a few lingering dis-empowering thoughts buried deep in my brain.  I am going to do a core dump.  (That’s a term from my system days I used to hear and I don’t even know what it means but I am going to borrow it).

Here are just a few of them:

• I should look a certain way
• Someone can be attracted to me only if I am “dolled up” with my best clothes and make up and hairdressed hair.  If not, don’t worry about it, they ain’t looking. I’m invisible.
• I need to act a certain way
• I certainly can’t REALLY be myself.  No one could love that
• Relationships start out with people on their best behavior.  It doesn’t last so why bother?
• I’m invisible
• I’m too old
• My skin is too wrinkled
• My body is NOT like a 20 year old’s.  That’s who men fantasize over, not women my age
• I can’t trust my instincts to pick someone good
• If my past is an indication, I am screwed.  Give up.
• Other people might be able to have good ones, but not me
• What if I get into a relationship and then I decide I don’t like him?  Breaking up is hard to do.  Why bother?

OK that’s it.  Time for a nap.  This has exhausted me.

I’m back.

• No one could actually put up with me.
• They will start out nice, but the real guy will eventually emerge and he’s always an ass hole (sort of a repeat of one above, but it SEEMS REAL).

OK, if I think of more, I’ll add them.

Now, what I have decided to “manifest” is attracting an extraordinary single man in my proximity.  (That means he’s right here and easy to meet and talk to).  There will be flow, ease, and be exactly what I’m looking for.  It will be effortless and wonderful.  And, I can definitely have it.

So, now I can relax and enjoy my life.

But before I do, one more thing.

I was also confused about the law of attraction. I kept thinking I was doing it wrong.  You’re supposed to shoot out rockets of desire and then be “in the vibration to attract it.”  (My interpretation may not be exactly accurate).

I couldn’t stop thinking about my last couple of narcissist/sociopaths and so I KNEW I wasn’t in the right vibration to attract something different.  It didn’t seem like negativity is the correct vibration to bring me an extraordinary man.  I was more focused on what I didn’t want and didn’t know how to change it.

Thinking just brings in more of my disenchanted past.

Then I had a brain storm.  I can connect to my heart.  I can generate love in my heart instead of battling the thoughts in my mind.  That is much easier for me.

The love can displace the fear for me.  It can create peace and power instead of paranoia and pain.  (I was trying to use p’s).

That I can do.

I’ll keep you posted.

 

–

 

I’m almost thinking this post should go on my old blog, Tiredoffeelingbad.com.  But, since it does involve creating life, I’m going to leave it here.

Here’s the story.  I hadn’t talked to my boss in a few weeks.  We’ve missed each other for days and he was away last week.

Background: Last night he called when I had one of my agents in my car.  We were going to a Landmark Worldwide seminar guest event.  I was proud she, along with two others, came to the event.  I hadn’t really brought guests for a while, and the ones I had brought in the past 5 years didn’t register, OR, registered and never did the Landmark Forum.

At one point in the night, I was mute.  I finally admitted that I was terrified.  I was afraid my guests were feeling pressured and I didn’t want them to be upset with me.  I was literally frozen.

I finally told them how I felt.  It freed me to move.  One gentlemen and his sister registered after I said, “you certainly don’t have to, AND, it would make a huge difference in your life.”  It took everything I had to stay powerful in the face of fear. I’m very proud of them for taking the leap of faith.  It was an emotional evening.

In my conversation with my boss today, he made a snarky comment (in my interpretation).  We were talking about opening a new office.   It’s been an issue for a few months whether to stay in our existing office and have a rate increase or to move to another one.  In the course of our conversation I mentioned that people weren’t really using the existing office.

“If you can get people to come to a night seminar in New York, I can’t understand why you can’t get them to come to the office,” he said in what I thought was a shitty tone.

I felt stung and stopped talking.

Later I thought of saying that the reason I invited them to the seminar was that I saw value in it.  I see little or no value in coming to the office.  I could “GET THEM THERE” if I wanted to, but I didn’t see the use.

And then I would follow that up with my favorite, “FUCK YOU.”

He had to get off the phone shortly after.

My morning went further downhill from there.  I talked to another guy who would be in on the office and he didn’t have much positive to say about it either.  My mood plummeted further.

I felt like:

• everything I do/did/or could do is wrong
• I can’t trust anyone
• life is fucked
• life sucks
• there’s nothing I can say
• I’m powerless
• fuck all of them
• fuck the world

(If I look at a recent blog, these sentiments are pretty familiar when I am what I call, “down the tubes.”  Nothing really new here except the frequency of the word fuck.)

I just wanted to hide in my little beach cottage and not talk to anyone for the rest of the day.  Unfortunately I needed to take my car in for a major expensive repair.  I got into the car feeling like I needed to have a good cry and/or a good venting session.

I was loading my bags (computer, feedbag, and possible clothing changes for the day) into my car.  My phone rang.  I dug my hand into the ringing bag and could see my son’s yellow hockey jersey flashing on my phone.

“LULU,”  I said. (His name is Jesse but I sometimes call him Lulu for no particular reason).

“Can I talk?”  I said, my voice cracking.

I told him about my dilemma.  He just listened.  Then he told me about his reffing program and how they’ve been giving him constructive feedback.  Sometimes he reacts to questions instead of listening.  Through our conversation he worked through his
“intention.”   To be “reffing at the highest level” would allow him to listen to coaches/officials as a contribution instead of being attacked.

I looked at myself.  My intention has been to be a good girl and liked.  I could see that I was trying to hide the fact that I can be an ass hole/bad girl.  Not really bad, but I LIKE working at home on my deck.  I love not having to get dressed up, do my laundry, eat my own food and use my own bathroom.  I love the flexibility.  Even though I’m a 1099, a part of me is afraid of being found out.

It’s really crazy, because I am one of the few people at my level to be hitting my goals.  I am actually doing quite well.  And, here I was, cowering at home because my boss (who is going through a hard time) said something in a certain tone.

I have spent my life trying not to be “yelled at/criticized.”  It’s a shitty way to live.  There’s no freedom, courage or power.  So what if he made a comment?

I declared my intention as creating win/wins.  For example with the office.   We can all  put in our requirements and create something that has us all win.  If I’m not afraid of being “found out” whatever that means, I can be honest and tell my boss that I don’t want to be personally liable.  I can stop treating him like the enemy and we can all get what we want.  I won’t be afraid to speak up and make sure I get what I want.

That’s a whole new world for me.  It’s much more freeing then “trying not to get yelled at.”

I’m actually excited instead of living in a world of dread, resignation and defeat.

Thank you, my little man, for calling at the perfect time.  You listened to me, understood, shared your own struggles and creation, and best of all, told me I did a great job with you.

“Mom, I feel you with me all the time.  I don’t feel like I left you.  I know you’re with me.  It’s great.”

And that’s a wonderful thing.  What more could a mother want?  It’s another win/win for both of us.

I am writing because I am not feeling well and I can see there is some sort of negative swirl about it.

Familiar old candidates for negativity are:

• I shouldn’t feel this way
• It’s my fault
• I should feel better
• I should be better by now (it’s been since Friday and it’s Tuesday)
• Nothing matters
• Who cares?
• I should just go to sleep
• Mom, I just need to complain
• And, of course, self-diagnosis or friend’s diagnosis – it’s a sinus infection, did you get the flu shot?  etc.

And I just feel like a big blob.  I don’t want to do anything.  I worked today, but since I felt like crap, that doesn’t count.  Nothing counts.  Nothing matters.  Blah, blah, blah!!!

OK, this is definitely not helping.

Can I just accept that I don’t feel well?

No.

Why not?

It’s not ok.  One day or maybe two is ok, but five days is unacceptable.

Who made that up?

Me. I say to myself sheepishly.  Good ole me.

There’s a limit to how long I can be outwardly complaining about how I feel.  Now I just have to suffer silently and pretend I feel ok.

Like a freaking pollyanna phony.  And that really pisses me off.

And it’s more exhausting to pretend that I am fine than it is to just feel bad.

(Now, I’m getting somewhere!!)

So, I am going to stop resisting the feeling and just enjoy it.

Enjoy being a blob and lie on the couch with a book.  Or work on my puzzle which I love.

I could call my mother to complain if I want, but if she starts giving me suggestions, that will blow my good/bad mood.  I just want to be miserable for a little while.  That actually sounds fun in a weird way.

So, thanks for letting me work this out.  It sounds a little crazy that having a writing conversation with myself could help, but it really did.  I am no longer in a bad mood, but looking forward to being a blob.  What a wonderful unexpected thing!!!

BLOBS ARE ME!!!!!!! (I don’t have a picture, but picture a blob waving it’s hands crazily!!!!)

PS  My mom called before I could press Publish and she diagnosed me as having a “travelling something!!!”

 

 

 

 

I was on my way to see my mother.  I had packed my bags and was walking with my head down along the path to my car.  I noticed the sand on the path with irritation.

“Why am I the one to have to go there?  Why does it have to be me?”  The last week had been a strain being with my mom.  I had spent a week there since my son was leaving and I wanted to be there with him.  Then my sister came to visit for the holidays.  My mother was out of sorts and we were concerned, especially when she started a fire in the kitchen.

“Is this it?” I thought.  “Is she getting the dementia she always feared?”  I talked to a friend of mine and she asked me what I was really afraid of.

“I guess it’s about me,”  I said.  “As always.  I’m afraid of what this means.  What will we do?  What am I going to have to do?  What about when she’s gone?  She’s my anchor.  Even though her questions are annoying, I’m used to having her there.  When she’s gone, I’ll feel so alone.”  I had a good cry, finally letting out the sadness, fear and frustration of the past two weeks.

Even though I felt better, the burden of being the only sibling in the area felt heavy as I walked to my car.

How would I feel if she was gone?  Wouldn’t I wish that I could go visit her?  Wouldn’t I wish that I could be annoyed by her questions?

I remembered having lunch with some girls from high school.  Carol was complaining about her mother.  Fran said she wished she could still complain about hers.  She had passed away earlier that year.  I remember thinking how terrible it would be to not be able to pick up the phone and call mine.  How insensitive it was of Carol to be complaining in front of Fran.

So why don’t I change the context for my mother.  Why don’t I see it as a privilege to go visit her?  As hard as it is sometimes to field her incessant and repetitive questions.  As hard as I try not to be annoyed and constantly fail.

By the time I started my car, I no longer felt like a victim.  I was lucky to be going to see my mom.  We had a good time that night.  Just me and her.  Mom and me.

And I’m going to do my best to enjoy all the time I can spend with her.  Just because I can. Even when she asks me the same question 5 times.  Even when I get annoyed trying to explain the same thing over and over.

Because one day I’m going to wish that I could.  And I won’t be able to.

 

My daughter, Haley, is in Australia for the college semester.  Today, she is getting on a bus to go to the “outback” for 3 days.  I won’t be able to talk to her.

I’m surprisingly calm about it.  I told her to have fun, be safe, and take pictures.

She called me as she was looking for the bus.  “Oh, Mav’s calling.  I gotta go.  Talk to you Tuesday.”  And she was gone.

Mav is her boy “friend” in Melbourne.  She “loves” him.

“He’s so nice to me, Mom.  He does everything for me.  He drives me, he pays for me, he knows me and anticipates what I will need.  I don’t know what I’m going to do when I come home.”  She told me all this on another call this morning.

I kept my mouth shut.  I have learned to just keep my opinions and my cynicism to myself.

“I didn’t see him yesterday and I missed him so much,”  she told me.  “We are so lucky to have each other.”

So what’s the problem?  Why am I even writing about this?

I don’t begrudge her happiness.  I’m happy that she’s happy.

Selfishly, it’s a lot easier for me when she’s happy. Her first month in Australia she called me crying everyday telling me how miserable she was.

She only snapped out of it when I told her to come home.  No sense being miserable over there for another six months.  Get on a plane tomorrow, I said.

The next day she was out of her funk.  She called her advisor and booked some travel with the money she had made last year working.

And a few days later she met Mav.  And now they are inseparable.

So what’s the problem?  OK, I admit that it’s my stuff.  I had a guy that I felt the same way about:

• Couldn’t stand to be away from him
• Thought he was the one
• Felt so lucky to have found him
• Needed to be with him as much as possible
• Loved just being near him and looking at him
• Thought the only way we’d be apart is if one of us died

And, he turned out to be a lying narcissist.  (I have referred to him as a sociopath but I’m thinking he might just have been a narcissist – it doesn’t really matter, but it helps me to label him as something so I don’t think it was ALL MY FAULT that my great love affair ended so terribly.)

So, when Haley talks about Mav in that way, I get scared for her.

Why is he doing so much for her?  Why doesn’t he have a life?  Is he a liar, too?  Is he a narcissist, sucking her in and then he’ll spit her out?

OK – again, I know it’s my stuff and my past speaking.  And, he could be evil like my guy, or he could just be a great guy.

And, whatever he is, it will be a great experience for Haley to either cherish as a great memory, or learn from her mistake.  I’m hoping it’s the former.

What I have learned is to keep my mouth shut.  Just listen and not comment.  Just encourage her to live a great life.

The truth is that I am very proud of her.  She is way braver than me.  I didn’t go abroad in college by myself.  Didn’t even think about it.

It hasn’t been easy for her.  But it’s making her stronger.

I’m glad she met Mav.   I’m glad she’s having a great time.  And, whatever happens in their relationship will be perfect.

I feel better.  It always helps for me to get this stuff out.  Then I have room to put something more empowering in my brain then my fear and cynicism.

It gives me a chance to Create My Life Out here – instead of listening to my very very negative brain.

Thanks for listening.