I’m almost thinking this post should go on my old blog, Tiredoffeelingbad.com. But, since it does involve creating life, I’m going to leave it here.
Here’s the story. I hadn’t talked to my boss in a few weeks. We’ve missed each other for days and he was away last week.
Background: Last night he called when I had one of my agents in my car. We were going to a Landmark Worldwide seminar guest event. I was proud she, along with two others, came to the event. I hadn’t really brought guests for a while, and the ones I had brought in the past 5 years didn’t register, OR, registered and never did the Landmark Forum.
At one point in the night, I was mute. I finally admitted that I was terrified. I was afraid my guests were feeling pressured and I didn’t want them to be upset with me. I was literally frozen.
I finally told them how I felt. It freed me to move. One gentlemen and his sister registered after I said, “you certainly don’t have to, AND, it would make a huge difference in your life.” It took everything I had to stay powerful in the face of fear. I’m very proud of them for taking the leap of faith. It was an emotional evening.
In my conversation with my boss today, he made a snarky comment (in my interpretation). We were talking about opening a new office. It’s been an issue for a few months whether to stay in our existing office and have a rate increase or to move to another one. In the course of our conversation I mentioned that people weren’t really using the existing office.
“If you can get people to come to a night seminar in New York, I can’t understand why you can’t get them to come to the office,” he said in what I thought was a shitty tone.
I felt stung and stopped talking.
Later I thought of saying that the reason I invited them to the seminar was that I saw value in it. I see little or no value in coming to the office. I could “GET THEM THERE” if I wanted to, but I didn’t see the use.
And then I would follow that up with my favorite, “FUCK YOU.”
He had to get off the phone shortly after.
My morning went further downhill from there. I talked to another guy who would be in on the office and he didn’t have much positive to say about it either. My mood plummeted further.
I felt like:
- everything I do/did/or could do is wrong
- I can’t trust anyone
- life is fucked
- life sucks
- there’s nothing I can say
- I’m powerless
- fuck all of them
- fuck the world
(If I look at a recent blog, these sentiments are pretty familiar when I am what I call, “down the tubes.” Nothing really new here except the frequency of the word fuck.)
I just wanted to hide in my little beach cottage and not talk to anyone for the rest of the day. Unfortunately I needed to take my car in for a major expensive repair. I got into the car feeling like I needed to have a good cry and/or a good venting session.
I was loading my bags (computer, feedbag, and possible clothing changes for the day) into my car. My phone rang. I dug my hand into the ringing bag and could see my son’s yellow hockey jersey flashing on my phone.
“LULU,” I said. (His name is Jesse but I sometimes call him Lulu for no particular reason).
“Can I talk?” I said, my voice cracking.
I told him about my dilemma. He just listened. Then he told me about his reffing program and how they’ve been giving him constructive feedback. Sometimes he reacts to questions instead of listening. Through our conversation he worked through his
“intention.” To be “reffing at the highest level” would allow him to listen to coaches/officials as a contribution instead of being attacked.
I looked at myself. My intention has been to be a good girl and liked. I could see that I was trying to hide the fact that I can be an ass hole/bad girl. Not really bad, but I LIKE working at home on my deck. I love not having to get dressed up, do my laundry, eat my own food and use my own bathroom. I love the flexibility. Even though I’m a 1099, a part of me is afraid of being found out.
It’s really crazy, because I am one of the few people at my level to be hitting my goals. I am actually doing quite well. And, here I was, cowering at home because my boss (who is going through a hard time) said something in a certain tone.
I have spent my life trying not to be “yelled at/criticized.” It’s a shitty way to live. There’s no freedom, courage or power. So what if he made a comment?
I declared my intention as creating win/wins. For example with the office. We can all put in our requirements and create something that has us all win. If I’m not afraid of being “found out” whatever that means, I can be honest and tell my boss that I don’t want to be personally liable. I can stop treating him like the enemy and we can all get what we want. I won’t be afraid to speak up and make sure I get what I want.
That’s a whole new world for me. It’s much more freeing then “trying not to get yelled at.”
I’m actually excited instead of living in a world of dread, resignation and defeat.
Thank you, my little man, for calling at the perfect time. You listened to me, understood, shared your own struggles and creation, and best of all, told me I did a great job with you.
“Mom, I feel you with me all the time. I don’t feel like I left you. I know you’re with me. It’s great.”
And that’s a wonderful thing. What more could a mother want? It’s another win/win for both of us.