From Freedom to I Feel Really Stupid

I was feeling great.  I was on a call for the last hour with some really cool people.  There was no point to it except to share what you wanted to share.

I told them how stuck I was before I wrote the last blog.

“Wow, you’re so alive,” the host said.

“Well, you should have seen me before I wrote it,” I said.

Later I told them about my Boston weekend.  How nervous I was to go but that I grew out of the experience of being uncomfortable and doing it anyway.

“Wow, you’re so alive,” the same gentleman said again.

I was happy for most of the call, but when I got off, I noticed that I was feeling really stupid.  I was doing what I said I was going to do which is saying what can’t be said even though I’m afraid people will think I’m crazy, negative, and did I say really crazy?

I have a rule that if someone mentions my share, it was a good one.  Just something I made up.  It means they liked it and it made a difference for them.

And, someone did mention my first share.

So what’s the problem?  Why am I feeling so stupid?

………Oh, no one mentioned my second one.

Isn’t that a little crazy?  YES.  That’s what I’m afraid of being.  And here it is.  It’s like a vicious cycle trying not to seem crazy and being afraid that I really AM CRAZY!!!!!!

“We love your crazy,”  someone had told me last year.

“You do?”  I asked, shocked.

“It’s what makes you, you,”  she said.

Well, that’s something I also forgot.  Instead of trying not to seem crazy, I can just own it.  When I was young, I was proud of the crazy things I did.

Why am I trying to hide it now?  Trying to be good?  Trying to fit in?

I hate fitting in.  I love to be different.

OK, thank you.  Once again I feel better now that I’ve shared all that.  It really helps to get it out of my head whatever way I can.  I don’t know if this makes sense but I am tired so I’m just going to hope it does………..

This writing seems to really help me.  I think I will be able to sleep now instead of worrying that people think I’m crazy.

I AM.  And it’s a GOOD CRAZY!!!  YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!

PS  If this is the only post you’ve read, please read others!!!  I’m not taking the time to really edit it.  I’m feeling better about the CRAZY so don’t want to GO CRAZY rereading it over and over  (that’s a joke – good night!!!!)

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