Need to Create Something Other than what I’m thinking about

I am really in a mood.  I would really like to pour myself a stiff drink.

Instead, I am going to just vent, see what happens, and hopefully create a new reality for myself.  Here goes:

It seems like I am messing everything up today.  Like everything I do is wrong.  (And it’s not really.  I’m doing quite well.  It just seems that way right now).

Here’s what happens:

  • My daughter is upset because the guy that was so attentive is not as attentive anymore.  I’ve been trying to make her feel better but it seems like whatever I say just upsets her more.  So I told her I’m not going to say anything anymore.  (And I know that’s very immature of me and I’m just being a victim).
  • A new associate was supposed to hit 30 drops and after 20 he stopped and went to do errands.  That’s about an hour’s worth of work for the day.  WTF?  I know being in sales is hard, but one can’t really expect to make money without putting in the work.  I texted him saying to let me know if he will hit his weekly target because I have some accounts that I want to give out.  I told him that if he hits his activity goals I will bring him with me to accounts.   (I’m questioning myself and wondering is motivating or not.  I guess I can ask him tomorrow).
  • We had a guest speaker at a meeting today and she is a maniac in a good way.  She takes new people in her car with her 5 days a week at first to teach them the business.  Plus she has 4 kids.  Plus she writes three times as much business as me.  I am just feeling like a slacker.  I’m too old for that.  I’m too tired.  Good for her.  (But inside I feel like a loser).
  • My weight was up a pound today.  (Not what I expected or thought it should be.  Makes me want to scream and hurt someone.  When it goes in the wrong direction I just feel powerless like I don’t know what to do and can’t do anything about this.  It makes me want to just lie down and give up – not a new thing, but it’s here again so it feels new).
  • I just want to sleep.  It feels like nothing matters and I am wrong and the world is wrong.  Actually, I’m listening to the waves crash outside and looking at the water and it’s great.  So, I feel like a jerk for feeling so negative.  (See how I can turn a good thing into a negative?  I’m really good at it.  Pollyanna people would definitely not relate to this so please don’t read this if you are one.  I put a disclaimer somewhere on my blog that this blog is not for positive people).
  • I shouldn’t be this way.  It’s not ok.  I should be happy and perky and wonderful.  And, I’m not.

OK, that didn’t really help.  I guess I just I need to stop resisting the negative feelings.  Just be with them.  Allow them.  Allow my frustration.  Allow my failures to be.  Allow people to do what they do.  It’s not about me.

I was listening to a podcast with Tim Ferriss.  He was talking to Jack Kornfield I think.  He was talking about being angry about being angry (I think those were his words).  That’s how I get.  I’m upset that I’m upset.

My mother just called and asked why I wasn’t smiling (she did facetime by mistake).  So I put on a fake smile and she said that was better.

My story is that I shouldn’t be upset.  My mother wants me to be perky and if I’m not, I’m wrong and shouldn’t be that way.  It’s a 2 year old conversation and not very empowering, but it’s a recurring one in my mind.

So, like Tim, if I’m upset, I shouldn’t be and then I’m more upset about being upset.  It’s a terrible vicious circle.  If I stop resisting the upset, it actually goes away.

So, if Tim ever reads this, I hope that helps.  Just stop resisting and embrace the anger.  It won’t last as long I assert.

Back to me.  OK, I’m breathing.  Staying upset is fine.  Being frustrated is fine.  People not doing what I expect them to is fine.

Breathe.  Breathe.

OK, I’m feeling better.  See, I never know where these blogs will take me, but they almost always take me to more freedom.

Sharing and saying what can’t be said because I’m afraid people will think I’m just a crazy, negative, complaining loser and saying it anyway is very freeing.

Thanks for listening.

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