I told my daughter about my dream.  

“What does it mean?” I asked since she is good with that stuff.

“You don’t know where you’re going in life,”  she said.

“I thought so.  I don’t like it. Should I like it?  Can I see it as an adventure?”

“Like you’re on a path and you don’t know where you’re headed,”  she added.

“Is that a bad thing?  Should I know?  Am I fucked up?” 

I guess no one really knows, do they?  No one knows what tomorrow will bring, do they?  

This whole thing is making me physically uncomfortable.  I think I will go to bed and try to just chill and be present.  

Sometimes that works and sometimes I am wide freaking awake for hours.  I never know which kind of night it will be.  Makes it exciting, right?

WRONG!!!!  But, I’ve learned there’s no point in resisting it. 

I will try to turn not knowing into an adventure.  I could really create any kind of life I want.  Why should I be afraid?  Why not be excited?  It’s the same body sensations anyway.

OK, enough about that.  Let’s follow the unknown path – I was going to say the yellow brick road, but I don’t really think I’m off to see the wizard so I refrained.  

Yesterday I had a little goldilocks in my blog but I removed it.  Too hot, too cold, just right kind of thing. 

So, I am rambling.  Good night one and all.  Tomorrow is a NEW, GREAT DAY!!!  (See yesterday’s blog.)

I woke up today thinking the nightmare I had had was real.  I was supposed to get on a plane, but I didn’t know where I was going, what the flight was, or where I even was.  And I didn’t know how to find out.  It was a terrible feeling.

What’s the meaning there?  I guess I don’t know where I’m going.  And, when I woke up for real, I just wanted to go home and not deal with anything.  

I cancelled my lunch and did go home.  I did work, but my whole feeling was that I wasn’t  getting where I needed to get to (to be successful).

It’s just a feeling.  So I got out my spreadsheet and added up my potential sales.  The numbers add up.  But it’s too close for comfort.  I guess I need more of a cushion.  

I think the problem is that I wanted to try to get ahead.  I’m leaving for a week right smack at the wrong time.  It’s a long story, but I was supposed to meet my daughter in Mexico on her way home from Australia.  Only she’s not coming.  Since my trip was non-refundable I am going anyway.  Did I mention it’s a one week vacation?  Oops, forgot to say that!! 

I have to suffer over taking a vacation.    Because it’s bad timing.  I don’t deserve to have fun.  I should be working.  I wouldn’t have signed up if I knew she wasn’t coming.  I didn’t mean to have a FUN VACATION!! Poor poor me.  (Doesn’t that sound pathetic!??)

Oh, and I should have lost weight seeing that I’ll be in my bikini.  Yes folks, I like to get my stomach tan.  And, even though there’s more of my stomach than I’d like, I still want it tan.  Plus, I don’t have any one pieces.  I’ll just wear my cover-up to the pool, lie down, take it off, and if I have to get up, I’ll wrap a towel around me.  There you go.  Problem solved.

Back to my story.  I was telling my son that I woke up in a funk and he told me that he did too.  But, as soon as he listened to the Law of Attraction meditation, he started having a good day.

HUH?  I forgot about those.  This one is only ten minutes.  He sent it to me and I listened to it.

“It’s a good day.  It’s a good day………” 

I guess I should have listened to it earlier.

“It’s an ok day, I’m not feeling it, what’s wrong with me, I’m supposed to feel happy and I don’t, ……no one is setting appointments, I’m feeling lazy even though I’m happy being home and making calls……should I be somewhere else?  what is wrong here?”

That was what I was listening to.  Not so empowering as Esther’s voice on the meditation.

Tomorrow I am going to listen to Esther first thing and see what happens.  Maybe I’ll just attract success, feel sexy and beautiful in my body just as it is, expect miracles instead of thinking something is wrong, and know that I am doing everything I’m supposed to be doing.

That would be a change, wouldn’t it?

Even so, I have to admit that there was something relaxing about doing my day exactly as I did it.  I was home, comfortable, got to eat my healthy food, grilled my chicken outside, had the door open, and got a bunch of stuff done for work that I couldn’t have done if I wasn’t here.

A real change would be feeling good about EVERYTHING, just as it is.  Even about feeling blah.  OK, I can do that.

I HAD A GREAT DAY!!!!  IT WAS PERFECT!!!!

And tomorrow will be a great day!!!  Whether I like it or not!!!!

I was upset with a few people lately.  And, instead of just resenting them and sending them into the pile of people I won’t talk to ever again, I have been communicating.  Even though it SEEMS like I can’t really tell them what I want to say.

Sometimes they still don’t respond – if I’ve been chicken and sent an email, left a voicemail,  or sent a text.

Sometimes they still don’t get it – they start arguing with me instead of hearing me.

But sometimes, they really do understand and magic is created. 

And even in the first two, I feel so much better when I get out of my head and into dialogue.  

Or, if someone else was upset and they communicate their feelings to me. 

An opening is created that wasn’t there before. Affinity is restored.  Intimacy is created.  The world seems like a better place.  

Would you like an example?  Of course you would……………………

I am creating a Women’s Empowerment event with Michael, who works on staff at Landmark Worldwide.  I put together a team of 4 other amazing women.  We scheduled our weekly calls for Wednesday at 6:00 PM.  

The first week Michael was late.  He apologized for about 5 minutes. It got annoying.

The second week he was on.

The third week he forgot the call all together.  We were concerned, but kept going with the call without him.

I called him right after it ended. 

“I am so sorry.  I will be on next time and will never miss a call again.”  He kept going on and on with how sorry he was.  

“Stop,”  I said.  “I think you’re full of shit.  You might actually miss another one.   Just say you said you’d be on and you weren’t.  Don’t go on and on.  It’s boring.  And please don’t make promises you can’t keep.  It’s inauthentic.”

“OK,”  he said.

“Is it ok that I said all that?”  It wasn’t like me and I was uncomfortable.

“Yes,” he said.  “Is there anything else?”

I said no, but the next day I realized that there was more that I was upset about.  I was still “making him wrong”  and didn’t want to tell him.  I just wanted to badmouth, gossip, and resent him instead.  I knew what that would get me.  More of the same.

I picked up the phone and called him, tears already pooling in my eyes.

“I feel like you don’t care,”  I said, tears breaking loose and rolling down my face.  “It seems like this is way more important to us than you.”  I was sobbing loudly now.    “I have a thing that men will promise anything and not show up.  You are making it seem true.”

“Thank you,”  he said. 

“Why are you thanking me?” I asked.

“Because you are being very authentic.  I know you don’t normally do this so this is a big breakthrough for you to communicate.”  

We discussed my last relationship.  I thought I was SO over him.  And, of course, the whole upset was the same as my 2 year old driveway incident:  people make a promise, don’t keep it, I’m upset, no one understands, AND, ………………….there’s nothing I can do about any of it.   I hide in my room and pretend everything’s fine.

By the end of the call, I felt better.   I knew I had to forgive myself and all men in order for me to move on.  I did the forgiveness exercise and had a hard time really letting go. 

“Why do I want to suffer?”  I asked myself.

“Good question,”  I answered.  “I guess it’s easier to be a victim and stay safe then to risk being hurt again.  But staying safe will not get me my dreams.  OK, I forgive me AND them.  We were all doing the best we could at the time.”

I started feeling free again.  Instead of a resentful, hurt, suffering victim.  

And it all started with saying something that I didn’t think I could say.  

I’m so glad I did.

I am participating in a pilot program for connecting spirituality to our work.  It is very interesting.  I need to look at my notes to be able to describe the purpose:

• Ensuring that the spiritual aspects of who I am as a human are included in my area of work
• Connecting with spirit to discover my calling in life

I’m supposed to keep a journal so I figured why not do it here?  It’s about Creating My Life by saying what can’t be said and sharing.

(I hope it’s not too TMI but that probably applies to this entire blog so why censor myself now?)

We started by engaging in the process of locating the source of our connection to the eternal by being present and being in our body.  It was relaxing to just let our thoughts go and for me to let go of “doing,”  making my to do list in my head, and planning.  Just sitting there being with the other people was relaxing and refreshing.  I resisted it at first, my impatience getting in the way to MOVE ON ALREADY, but once I let that go, it was quite nice.  A real break.

We also looked at what barriers were in the way that kept us separate from manifesting ourselves spiritually,  (I am paraphrasing).

For me, I discovered the following:

• my heart has been closed
• I’m afraid to trust
• I think that being upset is a bad thing

Leading into the course, I spent a couple of days feeling quite emotional and ready to cry at the littlest (or biggest) frustration.  I really felt out of sorts.

According to our leader, Robyn, tears are the expression of the soul.  They are a clue to your heart.  

I like that.  I can relax and cry when I need to.  Instead of resisting it which is exhausting and physically painful.  

Some barriers to me manifesting something beyond what I have:

• not knowing how
• not trusting 
• worrying about what people think
• thinking I am doing something stupid
• thinking about what I need to do, how it’s not going the way I think it should, and why am I still alone

So actions I am going to take to get present:

• stop what I’m doing and breathe
• get present to my surroundings
• take a look out my window when I am home – below is a picture taken off my deck (I upgraded to this new wordpress editor which allows me to block – so this is my first block below) – isn’t it very cool?

 

This course is a 30 day journey.  When asked what I want my results to be:

• hit FAME (a work benchmark) and go over quota easily, effortlessly and early
• generate tens of thousands of dollars speaking and sharing about my book, life, and creating life out here
• my book is taken on by someone who runs with it, creates a cover, gets it published, etc.
• having a great man in my life who is fun, devoted, passionate, and willing to create a fulfilling partnership for life

When asked what my number one outcome would be, I surprised myself.  I picked the last one.  Of course I want the first to happen anyway and I am working hard to accomplish it.  The second and third feel a little like pipe dreams.  The fourth is my real dream from childhood.  During the course I saw that as a little child, I was passionate about teaching, acting and having a fairy tale life.  So number four is my fairy tale.  And with my prince charming I will create 2 and 3.

So, that’s my journaling for today.  It was good to recap yesterday’s course.  It had definitely disappeared.   Glad I could presence it again.   More tomorrow.

I was on a webinar about fretting.

It was perfect timing.  I had been obsessing for a while about everything.  Literally feeling like I was losing my mind because I couldn’t focus on anything and was worrying about every little crazy thing I said or did.

Was my sister upset because I couldn’t go for a walk with her?

Was my daughter upset because I couldn’t talk to her?

Was my post on my son’s girlfriend’s facebook stupid?

Was my mother upset cause I wasn’t coming for dinner?

And on and on……………….

One of the questions on the webinar was what is the fretting on top of.

Interesting.  I had once learned that obsessing is just a way to avoid a real hard issue.  I started looking at what might be bothering me.

A picture of my frazzled mother came into my mind’s eye.  The tears started and then I started sobbing.  Really hard.  Gut wrenching sobs.

My mom is almost 89 and an amazing woman.  But there are times when her eyes seem glazed.  My mother has told us many times that her mother looked glazed at my sister’s wedding for the first time.  And that was the start of her dementia.

So when my mom looks glazed or frazzled it sends me into an abyss.   Is she losing it now?  Is she like her mother?   Is this it?  Who will take care of her?  What will I do without her?  Will it only get worse?  WHAT WILL I DO?  HELP!!!!!!!!  It’s hard to escape these negative thoughts.

I didn’t even know I was in this dark place.  Because I was pretending that everything was just fine.  You know, Same O’ Same O.  And worrying instead about little things.

I don’t even know if my mom is “losing it.”  But it doesn’t matter.  The fear of it being true is what sent me into the abyss.

But the most amazing thing happened.  When I started crying and sharing my fears with my little breakout group, I got calm.  I felt ok.  I stopped fretting and obsessing over meaningless things.

I got to face the unknown, realize that I am not alone, and know that whatever happens, my siblings and I are in this together.

And I got to create a new way to be with my mom:  love, acknowledgement and accepting what is so.

And I became peaceful.  I love my mom.  However she is is a gift instead of something to be feared.  We are all in this together and we will take care of her however she is.

And I can feel lucky and blessed instead of freaked out, panicked and neurotic.  It’s exhausting and makes me feel like I’m going crazy.

And the ticket to freedom once again ladies and gentleman?

Sharing.  Getting into dialogue.  Getting out of my head.

And the funny part is – I didn’t even know I was stuck there.

Who knew?

 

 

I’ve been trying to write this one for a week.  It’s all mushed up in my brain.  So, here goes another attempt.

Last weekend I was in a course (I know, what’s new).  We were experimenting being the self we really don’t want anyone to see.  We got to see how that self – for me it was a moody, irritated little shit – was actually a contribution.

One of the guys in my group saw how he could more powerfully interact with his ex-wife.  Another woman saw how she could love a difficult person.

It was great.  I got to see how to be with self-righteous, opinionated people in a new way and not have to avoid them.

Sunday, one of the guys came up to me and said he liked that I was a bad-ass, but he could also see that I was sensitive.  And he thought it was great.  He had tears in his eyes.

“What do you mean, you know I’m sensitive?  I thought I was hiding that from the world.  After all, my mother always told me I was TOO sensitive.  WHAT DO YOU MEAN?” I wondered.  “How could that be a good thing?”
There was an even worse self that I was hiding.  My needy, pathetic, insecure, sensitive self.  I hate that self.  To me it is truly disgusting and the reason that no one could REALLY love me if they got to know me.   After all, my ex husband thought I was just “always upset” and my last psycho boyfriend told me he could never give me enough reassurance to calm me down.  I just knew it was true.

I went back to my group.  Earlier that day they had encouraged me to talk to a woman I was upset with.  I was embarrassed to admit I was upset about a comment she had made, because I understood why she said it.    I shared how upset I was.  She totally understood, apologized, and told me she loved me.  I felt free and on top of the world.   I was so glad I had spoken up.

“I’m all about saying what can’t be said.  I’m going to speak up from now on.  It is so freeing,”  I told my group, feeling like I had the world of communication handled.

“I think Tobin doesn’t like me.  I think I annoy him,” popped out of my mouth.  Why did I just say that? I wondered.  Me and my big mouth.

“Tell him,”  Cynthia said.

“I couldn’t,” I said, shaking my head no.

“You just said you were all about speaking up and not keeping your upsets in,” she said.

“Shit,” I thought as Tobin happened to walk by our table.

“TELL HIM,”  they all said.  Tobin looked at me like what was going on here.

I grabbed him and took him aside.

“I don’t think you like me,”  I said.

Thank you,”  he said in his trained manner.

“I think I annoy you,” I said.

“Thank you,” he said again and started walking.

“WAIT,”  I screamed, not being able to stand it.  “DO YOU LIKE ME?”

He turned back to me.  “What do you think?”

“My brain says no,”  I said.  He was looking me straight in the eyes.

“But,……….” I searched his eyes.  Something softened.  “But I think you actually love me,” I said, my voice breaking.

He nodded and kept walking.

My little brain still wondered if it was true.  But my heart knew that he loved not only me but all of us.  Deeply.

Chasing after him was being my worst needy, pathetic self.  I’m still embarrassed that I did that in public.  But what I saw was that no one shunned me.  No one ran away.

I can finally get that people really love me.  They’re not just putting up with me or being nice to get something.

And that it’s ok to be my pathetic horrible self.  I don’t have to hide it anymore.

And that has opened up a world of love for me and others.  That I can TRULY be myself and not have to worry about them leaving.

Some people may not be able to handle that side of me.  And that’s ok.  They don’t need to.

But that doesn’t mean I have to pretend to be someone I’m not.  It’s exhausting and stressful.

So thank you everyone for encouraging me to speak up.  I’m learning as I go, and, it’s an exciting journey.
 

I remember my father saying “What am I, a Shmuck?”  when he thought maybe he was having a heart attack.   He decided to go to the hospital, just in case.

He wasn’t, but it made him feel better than waiting and wondering.

Right now, I am supposed to be “relaxing” while a technician checks out my gas heater, water heater, and stove.

Since I put my heat back on, I have been disturbed by a smell that fills the air.  It gets into my nose and throat and I don’t like it.  Is it dangerous?  I don’t know.

I didn’t tell anyone because I felt like maybe it was all in my mind.  They checked it two years ago and nothing was wrong.  So, why bother everyone again?

Finally, two days ago I confessed my concern to my business coach.  Instead of just worrying and being bothered, I looked to see what I could do about this.

I said I would call my landlord.  But even though, John, my landlord who is 92 called me the next day, I still didn’t say anything.  I didn’t want to bother him and have him think I was just crazy.

John told me not to be afraid to let him know something was wrong.  If he didn’t hear from me he would assume everything was fine.

I can see how not wanting to bother people, thinking it’s all in my head, wanting people to like me, and thinking that if I’m too much of a pain in the ass people will leave me, runs me.  It has me put up with something like this that doesn’t work.

Yesterday I finally told my landlord  that this smell is really bothering me.  He told me to call the gas company today when I was home.  So I did.  And here I sit, waiting and wondering.

Maybe the gas is fine.  OK, then I’ll come with an alternative way to heat my place.

But what if it’s not.  I could have been endangering myself for no reason.  I have been getting dizzy a lot.  Maybe that’s why.  Or, maybe I’m just dehydrated like the doctor thought.

So, I’m on my computer instead of grilling my chicken like I was going to do.  I’m waiting for this guy to be done so I know if I’m crazy or not.  I’m really hungry but don’t dare put the gas on like I want to.

But, at least, like my father, I’m not being a Shmuck.  (Shmuck to me means being an idiot.  I don’t know if that’s the real meaning of the word but that’s how I use it).  I’m taking action so that I can eliminate the worry from my brain.

We will see.  More to come.

OK – LATER:

There was a small gas leak by the water heater.  The technician fixed it.  My heater and stove were fine.  He told me to have the plumber check out where the gas hooks to the house as a preventative measure.   My place is safe.  Nothing to worry about.

Once I knew that, I figured out what the smell was.  My daughter had bought two candles that had a very sweet smell, like maple syrup.  I think that was the smell that I didn’t like.  I moved them outside.  There is no smell anymore.  I can breathe again.

And I don’t think I would have figured that out if I hadn’t taken an action.  Once I knew the gas was fine, I could look for another source of the smell.   I am so happy.

It’s a miracle.  And, only because I got into dialogue and took an action.

I can literally breathe easy again.   Wow!!  I can’t tell you what that does for me.

Unbelievable.   Next time I will not wait as long to say something.

And I won’t have to suffer as long.

 

 

I was listening to a podcast this morning about Gratitude.  The speaker/author wrote a book about how he thanked 1000 people that had a part in growing/producing/distributing, etc.  his morning cup of coffee.  From going to Columbia (the country) to thank the growers, to the pesticide person who sprayed the beans, etc.

It was a remarkable story.  He had the 9 tenets of gratitude.  The one that stuck with me was:  happiness can’t bring you gratitude, but gratitude can bring you happiness.

I decided to try it.  I walked into the gym this morning and saw the friendly girl I like.

“Thank you for always being so friendly when I walk in.  It really makes a difference in my day.  I really appreciate it.”

“Wow,”  she said.  Her cheeks started turning as red as her cherry shirt.

“Does that make you happy?”  I asked.

“Yes,”  she said.  “I don’t hear that very often.  Thank you.  You made my day.”   Her smile spread across the room.

I walked away feeling really happy as well.  I had made her day.  It was such a small thing and only took about 10 seconds.  And I felt better for it as well.

I think there’s something to this.  All I have to do is to remember to keep doing this.

I just realized I could have done it during a meeting today.  Instead I wanted to tell the gentleman I was meeting with that he thought he knew everything and that’s why he wasn’t doing well.  He’s a negative thinker and doesn’t listen to anything that could contribute to his doing better.  I was frustrated and annoyed and not feeling great about the meeting or him.

I managed to keep my mouth shut, but wouldn’t it have been more productive if I had found something good about him to compliment or be grateful for?  Probably.  Oopsie!!!!!!  I guess there’s more learning I can do about this.

More to come on the subject………………………………………………..

I was reading about Be, Do, Have.  It’s not a new concept.  I just forgot it again.

Before I started writing this, I looked at my numbers and thought, “I’m fucked.”

Then I remember Be, Do, Have.

If you visualize where you want to be as if you have it now, you will take the actions that that kind of person would take.

So, I am a very successful person with an abundance of money, an awesome relationship with an amazing man, a best-selling author and world-renowned speaker.  My kids and family are fulfilled, healthy and thriving as they pursue their dreams.

I notice I’m sitting up instead of slouching.  I’m no longer worried.  I will hit my quota and FAME easily and early.  I will get my bonus as well as find other income streams that fund my retirement and my first class lifestyle.

I’d prefer that my good friend Fran was still on this earth.

I’d prefer that my numbers were higher this week.

But I will live as if my vision is already true.  I will do it for Fran.  I will do it for myself.  I will do it for my Dad and all my ancestors before him who fought to make a life for us in America.

Why live a shitty little settle for life where I’m afraid someone might criticize me?  Why not live my full potential and inspire others to do the same?

Why the hell not?

I am at the airport again.  I packed much better than last time.  It was easier because I’m going to Los Angeles where it is warm.  Hot weather clothes take up much less room.  No stress at all this time.  A miracle.

I’m empowering women locally with a community introduction to the Forum on January 2nd.  I am stepping into a created self rather than staying stuck in my little scare-dy cat mode.  It feels way more alive to be this way.

I’m tired and drained from the events of the last week.  But I am excited to be with my buddies in Los Angeles.  It is our last weekend together.  I’m sure as soon as I see them I will be excited and feel like a part of a community.  I will allow the sadness to surface when it does, and I will revel in being able to be myself with my friends.

Even though I haven’t spent much time with Fran since I moved to Connecticut, I treasured my connection with her.  I will always smile thinking of our inside jokes.   I am happy to have had her in my life and it just doesn’t seem right that she is no longer here.  No more packers jokes.  No more “you look good” over the telephone.

The last time I saw her was when she came to Westport from the city for my Dad’s funeral.  That’s the kind of person she was.

So here I go, successful, abundant in money and love, pursuing my passion and reveling in my wonderful communities.  And, it’s ok to be sad now and then.

California, here I come.

 

Today was the funeral for my beloved friend Fran.  (We had nicknames for each others and hers was Fern or Fernwood – Fernwood Tonight was a show many decades ago).

Since Sunday, when I heard that she killed herself by jumping off of a New York City building, I have been tortured.

“Why?”  I asked myself and everyone around me.  “Why would she do that?  How could that have happened?  I don’t get it.”

Apparently Fran suffered from bipolar disorder.  When she lost her job over a year ago, she spiraled downward according to her sister.

“I only ever saw her funny and fun,”  I said.  “It’s hard to imagine that she was in pain at all.”

“That’s what she wanted you to see,” her sister said.

The family told the congregation that Fran had a disease.  She was in so much pain that she needed to take her own life in order to escape the pain.

Everyone who knew Fran loved her.  She was empathetic, generous, and loving.  She was interested in her siblings, their children and her friends.

Many people called her their best friend.  It’s a testament to her that she made everyone feel so special.  I always felt that we were specially connected.  That was her gift.

I will miss having her on this planet.  The world has one less bright light for me and everyone who knew her.

Goodbye, my little Fernwood.  I love you and hope you found your peace.