I was upset with a few people lately. And, instead of just resenting them and sending them into the pile of people I won’t talk to ever again, I have been communicating. Even though it SEEMS like I can’t really tell them what I want to say.
Sometimes they still don’t respond – if I’ve been chicken and sent an email, left a voicemail, or sent a text.
Sometimes they still don’t get it – they start arguing with me instead of hearing me.
But sometimes, they really do understand and magic is created.
And even in the first two, I feel so much better when I get out of my head and into dialogue.
Or, if someone else was upset and they communicate their feelings to me.
An opening is created that wasn’t there before. Affinity is restored. Intimacy is created. The world seems like a better place.
Would you like an example? Of course you would……………………
I am creating a Women’s Empowerment event with Michael, who works on staff at Landmark Worldwide. I put together a team of 4 other amazing women. We scheduled our weekly calls for Wednesday at 6:00 PM.
The first week Michael was late. He apologized for about 5 minutes. It got annoying.
The second week he was on.
The third week he forgot the call all together. We were concerned, but kept going with the call without him.
I called him right after it ended.
“I am so sorry. I will be on next time and will never miss a call again.” He kept going on and on with how sorry he was.
“Stop,” I said. “I think you’re full of shit. You might actually miss another one. Just say you said you’d be on and you weren’t. Don’t go on and on. It’s boring. And please don’t make promises you can’t keep. It’s inauthentic.”
“OK,” he said.
“Is it ok that I said all that?” It wasn’t like me and I was uncomfortable.
“Yes,” he said. “Is there anything else?”
I said no, but the next day I realized that there was more that I was upset about. I was still “making him wrong” and didn’t want to tell him. I just wanted to badmouth, gossip, and resent him instead. I knew what that would get me. More of the same.
I picked up the phone and called him, tears already pooling in my eyes.
“I feel like you don’t care,” I said, tears breaking loose and rolling down my face. “It seems like this is way more important to us than you.” I was sobbing loudly now. “I have a thing that men will promise anything and not show up. You are making it seem true.”
“Thank you,” he said.
“Why are you thanking me?” I asked.
“Because you are being very authentic. I know you don’t normally do this so this is a big breakthrough for you to communicate.”
We discussed my last relationship. I thought I was SO over him. And, of course, the whole upset was the same as my 2 year old driveway incident: people make a promise, don’t keep it, I’m upset, no one understands, AND, ………………….there’s nothing I can do about any of it. I hide in my room and pretend everything’s fine.
By the end of the call, I felt better. I knew I had to forgive myself and all men in order for me to move on. I did the forgiveness exercise and had a hard time really letting go.
“Why do I want to suffer?” I asked myself.
“Good question,” I answered. “I guess it’s easier to be a victim and stay safe then to risk being hurt again. But staying safe will not get me my dreams. OK, I forgive me AND them. We were all doing the best we could at the time.”
I started feeling free again. Instead of a resentful, hurt, suffering victim.
And it all started with saying something that I didn’t think I could say.
I’m so glad I did.