Someone suggested I write about the holidays.

So here goes. The real thing for me. No sugar coating.

I think I have always just survived them. I can see that there is a layer of something covering over my happiness. It’s interesting, because I never really saw that, or looked to see what it was.

I am just kind of annoyed by the whole holiday thing. There’s a certain layer of sadness under the annoyance. So let’s look deeper:

• is it because I’m Jewish and so Christmas was for the other people – they all got great presents and I got a pack of trident for Chanukah? I mean, I did get other stuff, too, but it was just little things. Never the grandiose bicycles or big toys that my non-Jewish friends got. I mean, it was fine, just the way it was when you were Jewish. Am I still sad about that?
• Is it the unexpressed sadness for my years in New York when I didn’t have anywhere to go on Christmas? I remember saying I was “fine,” it didn’t bother me, but what sadness was I covering up with that? Of course I wasn’t really fine. I was sad and disappointed I’m sure, but would never have admitted it. I didn’t need people feeling sorry for me. I just hid until it was over.
• Is it because I’m divorced and now my kids still go to Christmas at my ex-in-laws, and I could still go, but it’s awkward for me and I don’t feel like I can really be myself with them?
• Is it because all of the commercials and ads show a wonderfully in love couple being so very freaking happy and I’m kind of pissed off that I don’t have that and fearful I never will?
• Is it because I feel like I should be so very happy and I don’t always feel like it?
• Is it because it seems like everyone else is with gobs of loving people all having a great time and I’m the only odd one out?
• Is it because there’s family members who have passed away and are no longer around?
• Is it because some people say this is their favorite time of year and I wonder why it’s not mine and what’s wrong with me cause it’s not and I should be happy? (I know, that last part is a repeat – a familiar theme – I should be another way)
• Is it because it seems like everyone else has family and friends who they automatically belong to and I feel like I’m all alone (another familiar theme – ok, I’m repeating some of them)
• Or, best of all, my old favorite, if I was the way I was supposed to be (a few pounds down, happy all the time, never in a bad or bitchy mood, organized, wrapped the right beautiful presents, never worried, always calm, never negative, dressed well no matter what the weather or my mood, hair always looked good, make-up always perfect and no black under my eyes, no wrinkles, slept a perfect 8 hours a night, pain-free, never sick or tired or frustrated or disappointed, (this is actually fun – let’s add never sarcastic or snippy), never selfish, always gracious, ok why not – look like Grace Kelly, grow 6 inches, never paranoid, always confident), I would be perfect and therefore never sad.

OK, I’ve solved it. I’ll just wait for the last bullet to happen. Just kidding – sort of. I can see that in my crazy thinking I think that I should definitely be another way in order to be happy on the holidays (and anyday). Since I’m still up a few pounds, got divorced, am moody, and frustrated and impatient with my mother, how do I deserve to be happy? I should suffer!!!! What kind of person gets that way? (Said in a New Yawk accent)!!! Good question. I’m looking…………………

OK, I’m crying now at Whole Foods…let’s add that to the list……….

Back to the question: what kind of person gets that way?

I guess the human kind. And I can actually love myself, my stomach roll, my bad moods, and my imperfectness just like I could love someone else’s. I don’t look at other people and see a little flab and say line them up for the execution squad. That’s what I do to myself. And it’s not kind.

So, ladies and gentleman, I am giving it up. I am going to cross over to the other side right now. My old blog distinguished the left side of life and the “right side.” On the left, life is about the bullets above – EEYORE – and what isn’t ok. The more it’s wrong, the more stuck I get.

I am going to try something new. I’m going to use LOVE as the needle to pierce the portal – instead of there being a barrier that I have to cross over to get to the right side, I’m putting a hole there. I’m swimming over on a river of love. Everything is wonderful here. Everything is perfect. Faults are loved. Craziness is loved. There is no right or perfect way to be except exactly as one is. I can love everyone, feel included, and be a part of the human race. And I can be happy exactly as I am during the holidays – even if I’m missing my dad or Fran, feeling a little flabby, or in a bad mood. I can still be happy and surround myself with family and friends as much as I want to. And I can have compassion. Oodles and oodles of compassion.

Wow!! Thank you for letting me get this all out. Without being able to share it, it’s just reality. Now the fog has lifted. I challenge you to look at your fog if you have one. And try expressing it by writing, speaking or even collaging. See what happens!

Once again, I feel like a different person after getting this out. And, of course, I’m afraid it’s just too negative and crazy to post publicly. But I’m being bold because if it helps one person, it’s worth it.

So enjoy everyone!!! And, Happy Holidays!!! (Wink, wink)

Again I don’t know what I’m going to write. Since I told people about this blog last weekend, I have had some people follow me. And while it’s great and I am thrilled, I have also not written anything since then. Frozen by fear.

I’m completely worried about what they will think.

I was taking a meditative nap this afternoon because I finally hit my numbers for the quarter and year at around 12:00 PM today. It’s been a stressful year. But I was successful 4 out of 4 quarters. And, it’s only December 19th. I did it early. It is so freaking great I can hardly stand it. Last year I missed fourth quarter so this year is REALLY REALLY A BIG DEAL FOR ME.

Anyway, as I was saying (I had to rationalize taking a nap in the afternoon), when I finally closed my eyes, lying on my couch, I could feel my heart racing. There was no reason for this. I was tired, calm, enjoying the sound of the waves outside, and under my nice fuzzy blanket.

The problem: I had started thinking about what I could write. And worried about whether people would like it. What if they first look at a blog entry that they don’t like? They will be turned off forever. What if they don’t like that I mention Landmark Worldwide? What if they think I’m just a complaining loser?

And on and on and on………..

I know I’ve had this realization before but it doesn’t seem to have mattered. So I started wondering………………………..

Why does it matter what people think? Why should I be so freaking scared about it? Here is what I realized:

• I’ll probably never really know what anyone thinks
• What they think for the most part doesn’t even affect my life
• I can’t control what they think even though I may think I can
• They will think what they think regardless of me
• They are not responding to me
• I don’t even really know who THEY are
• I’ve spent so much time worrying about trying to get things right and there really is no right to get actually
• Even if I got everyone to think well of me, would it even actually benefit me in any way – especially given all that hard work and having my life devoted to that cause?

I would say NO NO NO NO NO.

So, where does that leave me? Good question.

I can play a different game. I once played the game of trying to get people purposely upset so that I could grow out of this. Obviously it didn’t work and I subsequently forgot about it.

I could play a game of “saying what I don’t think I could say because someone might get upset or mad” which is a little bit of what I’m already doing (saying what can’t be said) in a more specific way. Especially in light of this introduction on January 2nd. I am afraid to ask certain people. Totally confronted and locked out. Just thinking about it makes my heart race.

So, that can be where I could play. In that arena. Just tell people how freaking scared I am. Instead of trying to be cool, or not saying anything, or being weird about it. I can just tell the truth. Wow!! How freeing!! I can just say I’m scared of getting them annoyed/upset/wanting to leave me. Aha, back to my two year old incident. It always comes down to that. I’m afraid they will leave me in the driveway. It’s amazing. Two years old and it still runs my life.

OK, well, as Joyce says, I can pull up my big girl pants and get out there. Say something new. Come from I CAN instead of I CAN’T. Come from they WILL instead of knowing they WON’T.

How fabulous!!! Wow!!

This has been great. Thanks for letting me get all that out. I realize it is a gift to let someone get out the gunk that has them stuck. I want to give that gift to more people. I’m not sure how, yet, but I’m dwelling in the possibility. And, I’m practicing doing it through this blog. I get to a freer place by getting this crap out. It’s like magic.

Well, I guess that’s it for now. Thanks again and have a great night!!!!

“Why don’t you share your community introduction with your friends?”  Michael asked.

Good question.  “Well, I guess I’m waiting until I get my shit together.  If I share it now, they’ll know that the Landmark Forum doesn’t work.  If it did, I wouldn’t be so frenetic and unorganized.”

Michael laughed.  “Guess what?  It’s going to be a long wait.  You might never get your shit together.  And that’s not a bad thing.  I finally gave up thinking my desk would ever be neat.  It’s just not.  It never will be.  I’ve accepted that this is just part of me.  It’s pretty cool.”

“Really?”  I said.  “You mean, I can just give up waiting?  But what will they think if I’m still the same crazy way?”

“Well,”  Michael said.  “Would you have shared any of this with me before the Landmark Forum?”

“No.  I would have run away and hid.  I would have pretended I was fine and done something I was good at instead.  I would never have asked for help.  I would have just forgotten I ever said I would do anything.  I would have slowly slinked away from you and the center.”

“OK, that’s what you share.”

“That?  Really?”   OMG.  I have been waiting since 1992 for me to get my act together.  My sister thinks the The Landmark Forum doesn’t work because I still get mad.  Another friend said it if worked I wouldn’t have gotten divorced.  Another thinks I should never make a mistake or get upset if “that thing was so great.  It obviously didn’t work on you.  Why should I even think about it?”

And I believed them.  And I’ve been waiting to share.  Waiting to live.  Waiting to be powerful.   The underlying thought was “when I’m REALLY fixed, I can share and then they will GET IT.”

And it’s been a long freaking wait.  2018 minus 1992 is 26 freaking years of waiting.  And I can’t say the wait has been fun, empowering or exciting. 

Every time I don’t bring the right flyer to a client it means I’m still not ok.  Every time I can’t find my pen in my bottomless bag I’m just a freaking unorganized loser.  What kind of person has such a messy car?  I look like I’m homeless.  And when will I ever know where/how to file all the papers on my desk?

It’s all been evidence.  And every time one of them happens, it’s like a notch down in my happiness, power and ability to be truly alive, self expressed, and share transformation.  Like a silent suffering that “I still haven’t gotten it right.  Oh well.  Maybe one day.  Maybe next year.  Ho hum.”  (I’m thinking in the voice of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh).

So after my talk with Michael I gave it up.  I’m never going to get my shit together.  I’ll never be as organized as Deb or my sister.  I’ll never wrap a great present.  I’ll never remember what the client said last year.  And it’s ok. I’m just human.  I have other strengths.  I know how to love people.  I know how to listen.  I know how to acknowledge people and have them get their greatness.  And I can see that in my opinion, I’d rather be good at that then bringing the right piece of paper or being able to find something in my bag.

I couldn’t believe it.  It became a whole new world when I finally just accepted myself.  Actually loved myself for all my craziness.  Actually loved my faults.

It was miraculous.

I went to a client and had New York brochures instead of Connecticut.  

I didn’t apologize for myself or feel a sense of shame.  I didn’t wait for them to kick me out for my incompetence.   I didn’t wish I was more like Deb.

Instead, I laughed.  I giggled.  I made a joke.  It was so freaking freeing.

And then I couldn’t find my pen.  Uh oh.  

I merely asked if I could borrow the one on the desk.  

And I laughed some more.

There was no significance, no suffering, no loss of power.  I felt giddy and free.

I was listening yesterday to some people sharing on our webinars.  I could hear them suffering about what they hadn’t gotten done, how they knew better than to stay up late, how they should be farther along in their job search, etc.  They were making themselves so wrong. 

And I saw the cost in aliveness.  In making what we do or don’t do wrong.  In thinking we should be different than we are.  And I have spent my whole life doing that.  Thinking I should be another way.  

And I’m giving it up.  (And I’ll probably forget and have to give it up every day from her on out).  

But for today, I feel free.  Really freaking free.  My body is healthy and strong.  My home is nourishing my soul and the sound of the waves outside is soothing.  I’m good exactly where I am in pursuing my passion.  My work is unbelievably great.  

And just so you know, that’s not how I was talking a week ago.  I was too fat to go on vacation.  My house was a freaking mess.  I was in danger of screwing up my numbers at work.  And I was too crazy and frenetic to even see or hear the waves.  I was a nut case that just wasn’t ok.  I have an acronym for it – Fat, Old, Ugly Loser.  FOUL!!!!!!

So this is a miracle.  And it’s a function of sharing with Michael and and saying what can’t be said. 

 I thank Landmark and all the people who I participate with.  Because without you, I would still be running away and not communicating anything.  I’d be FINE – Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.   Which I can still be, but now I have a choice in the matter.

And I invite anyone in the Connecticut/Westchester, NY area to my Women’s Empowerment Community Introduction to the Landmark Forum on January 2nd from 6 – 9.  Please comment if you would like the address or want to invite your friends.  We are creating an amazing community of powerful women.  And it’s very exciting.

And I challenge you to see where you are making yourself wrong thinking you should be another way.  And share that.  And see what happens.  

Thanks for listening.  

PS Saying Landmark or any of the courses on my blog is a new thing.  It is bold.  It is freeing.  And that wasn’t happening before this weekend either.  I have definitely come out of hiding.  Where are you hiding?

When my daughter, Haley, tells me not to worry, I think it means I should worry.

I love that she can tell me anything.   I’m glad I know what she’s doing, don’t have to wonder, and don’t need to worry that I can’t trust her.

At the same time, it’s not always easy to hear what she tells me.  

For example, when she called me the night after she had sex for the first time.  

“Great,”  I said, trying to keep the shock from my voice.  “Do I really want to know this,” I wondered silently.

I was externally calm.  I listened, made sure she had safe sex and made sure she was ok.  But I have to admit that it took me a little while to calm down after we hung up.  It just wasn’t that easy to hear that my little girl had “done that.”

Today when Haley told me what she had done I did not react so well.  Since I’m sworn to secrecy, I can’t tell you what it was.  Suffice it to say if your child told you about it, you’d be concerned.

Haley has been in Australia since July.  I have been handling it very well.  I prayed to God to keep her safe and that she would be returned to me in great shape.  

Today I decided it’s time to come home.  

“I’m changing your flight to tomorrow,”  I said.  “It’s enough.”

“Don’t worry, Mom.”  Haley said.  “I’ll be fine.”

I just starting crying.  “I just want you to be safe.  I just want to hug you.  Please come back.”

“I’ll be home soon,”  she said.  “You can trust me.  You raised me well.  You are my best person in the whole world.  I love you.”

What could be better than your child saying that?  Not much.   Haley is a smart girl and I want to assume she has good judgment.  I just don’t want to be wrong about that.  Some mistakes you can not recover from I told Haley today.

“Don’t worry, mom,”  she kept repeating.  

I can see that my upset is based on the following assumption:  you become like the people you are hanging out with.  I don’t like what her friends are doing “down under.”  She has two more weeks under that influence.  These people are her “family” she says.  OMG.  That doesn’t make me feel better. 

But I can give up my story.  I can trust her.  I can trust God.  I can have faith that my little girl can make smart, safe decisions.  

And, after one more short cry, I will connect to my source, spirit, joy, or whatever reaches my heart instead of my head.  I can’t do it right now, but after indulging in my fear/self-pity/story for just a little while longer, I will.  

————————————————————————————————

OK.  I feel better.  I am letting it go.  I am going to trust the universe and focus on my “desires”.  I am a best-selling author and speaker travelling the world first class with the love of my life.  He is a great man who fell into my lap and with fun play and ease we are creating a wonderful life where my fantasy life equals my real life.  I am enjoying an abundance of love, fun, money, passion, and following my purpose.  I am letting go of having to know how and trusting the flow of life.  

OK.  That sounds better than expecting the worst disaster possible and on some strange level wanting to be right about it so I can suffer.  I am giving that one up again (not the first time).   

Thank you for listening.  

Years ago (back in 1993) I had created a future:  Boldness, Passion & Genius.  

I guess I had forgotten about it.  I think I’ve been being Scared, Suppressed, Overly Sensitive, and Insecure instead.  Not quite what I meant to create back then. 

Today on our Year End Vacation Webinar, (hosted by Landmark Worldwide – Wisdom Division), I saw what I’ve been being run by  – trying not to get criticized, not to upset anyone, and pretending to be “good.”

What does not getting criticized, not getting people upset, and being “good” even get me?  Certainly not a prize.  Certainly no money.  Certainly no aliveness or freedom to be myself.  And, despite it being my way of being  up to now, people criticize me, get upset and think whatever they think anyway.  It doesn’t even work!!!

Well, today the gig is over.  I’m getting bold again.  I’m pursuing my passion of sharing and writing again.  And, I’m trusting that I’m a Genius.  That we all have been given a purpose and that mine is inspiring people to live the lives they’ve always dreamed of.  And creating freedom for people.  And, acknowledging people and having them get their greatness.  And, that requires me to get out of my little limiting brain patterns and GET BOLD!!

SO, ……….after I publish this I am posting the blog on our Facebook page.  I already put it in the chat on the webinar.  My heart is beating fast, but what’s really the worst thing that can happen?

Nothing?  No one looks?  People don’t like it?  They think I’m a crazy idiot?  

None of that will kill me.  (I hope). 

So, I’m going public.  Even if it scares me.  And, no matter what, I’ll keep writing.  

Because I believe that Freedom is a result of sharing and saying what can’t be said.  And every time I do it, I feel more alive.  

My challenge to you:  share just one thing that you don’t think you can say.  And, tell me what happens.  I can’t wait to hear.

TIP:  In sharing, you can say anything as long as you are not making someone wrong.  Be responsible and share from yourself.  No right/wrong.  

Thanks for listening.

I am writing a quick thank you to Robyn Maitland who was bold enough to pilot her new course, SoulWork in the last month and I was lucky enough to participate.

We just finished the course today and I am totally inspired by what Robyn is taking on.  

Since November 17th when we first started, I have dug through my seemingly physical barriers to being connected with spirit and others.  I took on “saying what can’t be said” as an experimental access to being able to “create life” in the in between, free from my limiting brain patterns and paradigms from the past.

This is a lot of words, but what has happened is that I am WAY MORE connected to others, spirit, and freedom.  Robyn helped us identify the barriers that were keeping us from being connected to “source”, generating abundance, living our desires, and creating Soul “Work” that nourishes our being.

It is just the beginning for all of us.  We barely touched the surface of what is possible.

I am giving up the notion that I need to know HOW to do something.  I am giving up forcing an outcome or “wanting” an outcome.

I am going to FEEL JOY inside the belly (still working on what this means).  

I am going to Allow, Be, and Create by being grateful and appreciative. 

I am going to return to visualizing my dream/fantasy work and life and feel the joy as if it has already been manifested, noticing the barriers that come up in my brain and letting them go.

I am virtually vibrating from the excitement of the path we have started together and the road that Robyn is paving for others.

I am so proud of her for being in action and sharing her gift.  I can’t wait to see what transpires in the NEXT 30 days.

Thank you Robyn, and our entire course.  What a miraculous holiday gift we’ve been given.

NOTE:  Worry just means I’m not connected.  Good to know.  I’m already worrying about whether this blog is any good.  I’m letting it go and trusting my inner self.  My fingers wouldn’t have typed it if I wasn’t supposed to.  

Thanks for listening.  

I think it’s best if I don’t know what I am going to say when I sit down to write.

Today I don’t, but I’m going to trust my fingers to do the typing………

I am creating freedom for myself by “getting into dialogue” instead of listening to my own “not” empowering thoughts.  My access to creating life is sharing and “saying what can’t be said.”  

Saying what can’t be said is what I refer to as the things that my brain is telling me I can’t say.  Of course they CAN be said.  Anything CAN be said.  You just open your mouth and let the words come out.

The question is “will I say them?”  I have taken on that the answer is YES instead of “NO WAY,” or “NFW.”  (If you don’t know what those initials are for, ask a teenager).

Today, Joyce, my wonderful mentor and fabulous role model for creating a great life, regardless of circumstances, challenged me to expand my inquiry.

I had been focused on what I can’t say, usually having it be about me and MY FREEDOM.   She asked me to broaden it to what can I say to other people to create freedom for them.  It expanded my brain molecules to a new way of thinking.  

I’m still pondering it.  However, in the meantime, I have reached out to my brother and a friend and shared what I’m doing and invited them to play with me in the courses I am taking at Landmark Worldwide.  I hadn’t even THOUGHT of sharing with them, because what stopped me was worrying about what they would think about it and me.  “Don’t go there,” my brain would automatically think.  It wasn’t even possible for me to consider before Joyce opened up my thinking.

Before our conversation I had been tired, lethargic, feeling heavy and suffering silently and alone.  Sharing was a burden that I just didn’t want to or know how to do in my limited thinking.  

Now I am excited and thinking about who else I can share with.  My body pains and lethargy have miraculously disappeared.  I am excited about the day instead of thinking about when I can next go to sleep and escape this cruel world.  (OK, I’m being melodramatic – but, since I’ve been called a DRAMA QUEEN, I’m allowed – it makes things more fun!!!) 

What an amazing difference in living.  And it’s all from opening up my mouth to get into dialogue, say what’s so, having a generative conversation with Joyce, and allowing myself to take the coaching (instead of making what I was doing wrong).  It is truly miraculous.

Thank you, Joyce.  You are a true gift to me and through the Wisdom Unlimited Course and our conversations, have opened my eyes to a loving, exciting world where all of us belong, are truly loved, and can create fabulous lives that we love.  An infinity amount of virtual hugs and love coming your way.  

I got back from vacation two days ago.  I am feeling like a blob.  I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way.  (Not a new thing).

I was listening to a Law of Attraction meditation and it says the only thing that you need to do is FEEL GOOD.  So you attract good.

Well, I feel like I’m failing that one.  My back hurts, my head hurts, I’m tired, I feel lethargic, and I keep remembering a comment from a woman at the airport.

I was merely remarking about how I was used to knowing everyone at the resort. (Our group had taken over the resort and everywhere you went there were people you knew and loved – it was awesome).  I was looking at a man in the airport and thought I knew him and then realized I didn’t.  

This woman said, “well, you don’t need to complain about it.”

I was not complaining.  I was merely remarking about the man I thought I knew and found it funny because he was a total stranger and we “weren’t in Kansas anymore.”  I realize her comment got stuck in my craw.

Underneath everything, I’ve been making myself wrong that she thought I was complaining.  I guess I’m afraid I am a complainer.  But I know that what works for me is “saying what can’t be said” and “sharing.”  And that’s what I was doing.  And what doesn’t work for me is when people give me advice, comments, or coaching about what I’m saying.

So, to be cause in the matter, (that’s what we learned all week), I could tell her her comment didn’t work for me and ask her in the future not to make negative comments about my comments.  Or, better, to ask her why she said it or what she meant so I will know and stop making up my own shit. 

I think I started in my funk after that.  And, I don’t know how to reach her so I will use this blog as a way to clear it out.   She was “not responding to me” and I really don’t know why she said it.

I am back in my home, looking at the sun reflecting on the Long Island Sound and it is beautiful.  Wanna hear my new man possibility?  Sure, you do.

“I am creating the possibility of a great man falling in my lap and with fun, play and ease we create an awesome life together where my fantasy life becomes my real life.”  Cool, huh?  I couldn’t even say it for a while.  I kept practicing it until I stopped making faces and could actually smile at the end.

I am giving up my past disappointment, make wrong, blame, and resignation.  I am open to a wonderful man literally stepping into my life.  I feel free to have fun, enjoy him, and create a fabulous future together.

That is new for me.  Before I would say it on top of a whole bunch of resignation and cynicism.  So, yay!  That’s a whole new world to listen into.

Some other things:

• I discovered newly that I love to dance – with a male partner who knows the steps and how to lead.  It is really really fun.  I am going to look for places to do that.
• I love doing my puzzle.  It really relaxes me but it is addicting I have to say.
• It’s ok to be tired.  I just had an amazing vacation and I am grateful that I have this weekend to recuperate. 
• Today is a get together for Fran, my friend who is no longer with us.  I am sad.  She should be coming to hang out with us instead of us remembering her.  

OK, gotta jump in the shower.  Thanks for listening.

I finally decided to read all the way through my book.  My copywriter had finished it a couple of months ago and I just couldn’t bring myself to read it.  I’m tired of my own story.  UGH!!!!  So I had been avoiding it.

Yesterday I got bogged down at some parts in the beginning and middle.  Stuff repeated, didn’t make sense, and I got bored.   I got upset and mired down.  I decided the whole thing it sucked and I shouldn’t even bother with the damn thing anymore.  Move on to something worthwhile.  Give up.  Throw the whole idea in the trash.

But today, I just decided to keep reading.  I noted where it needs work, kept reading  and made it to the end.  

And, I have to say,  I loved it.  Especially the end of the book.  It makes me laugh, cry and be inspired.  And it’s my story.

The parts that need work are where I put in background and explained why I didn’t speak up, or put up with stuff, or became victimized.  I don’t like those parts.  They repeat themselves and they bother me.  Because it was my life.  And I can see how I just let life happen to me.  And it makes me feel like I was a loser.

So I just kept making a list of those parts and kept going.  I am annoyed because I had told the woman I was paying to edit the book that these parts bothered me.  But she didn’t fix them.  And there were parts where it didn’t even look like she read through them.  I started making her wrong.  Especially because she used to tell me not to change anything that she had done.  And I could see I was becoming a victim again.

And also because the person who said he could design my cover and format my book hasn’t responded to my texts or emails either.

And I could see myself started to blame everyone else for my lack of progress.  

And then I realized that it’s MY BOOK.  I can change it if I want to.  I can rewrite the chapters that I want to.  I can eliminate stuff that’s not working.  I can edit it and proof read it myself if I want to.  And I don’t have to answer to anyone else.  And I can find someone else to do my cover or just be patient for God’s sake.  

And I am not dependent on anybody.  It’s my project and it’s my life.  

And that’s pretty freeing.  For the first time in my life, I actually feel free.  I am not waiting for anyone or depending on anyone.  

I can read my book and REALLY go through and see where things are repetitive.  AND FIX THEM MYSELF!!!  I don’t need to rely on anyone for that.  I had thought I did.  That I COULDN’T DO IT MYSELF!!

And I can see that everywhere.  Where I have felt helpless.  At work. with my car, with my weight, with my stuff, with my clothes, with my decisions.  Like I can’t do it alone.  I need someone to help me.

WOW!!!  I’m 59 years old.  When will I think I can do something myself.  Holy shit!!

This powerlessness has plagued me my whole life.  

Last night, I was reading a book that someone had recommended, ‘It Doesn’t Start with You’ by Mark Wolynn.   He asserts that people get trauma passed to them from prior generations.  It’s not even theirs, but they inherit it.  He has healed people by looking at traumas that happened to ancestors of theirs and helped them let them go.  

I decided to try it.  I started looking at the fear, anxiety, and powerlessness I get when I’m trying to go to sleep.   I can be really tired, but as soon as I am ready to turn off the light, my mind starts racing and my body feels like it has internal tremors.  I’ve tried breathing, meditating, and reading and nothing has worked to calm myself down.  Until I’m ready, I will fall asleep.  It doesn’t feel like the terror really belongs to me, but I didn’t know what to do.  I’ve accepted it.  But I don’t like it.

After reading the book, I immediately thought of my relatives who died in the Holocaust.  They would have felt the same way as me. 

Afraid, anxious, and powerless.  I could visualize them living in the concentration camps and experiencing those feelings.  Being terrorized.   After a few minutes I focused on returning those feelings to them so I didn’t have them anymore.  Since they are already dead, I didn’t think that it could hurt to give them back.  

I don’t know if it worked, but I am feeling way more relaxed today.   More in control of my own destiny.  Not as worried about pissing people off.  It’s kind of crazy, but if it works, who cares?

I will keep you posted.   It would be awesome if it really worked.

  

I forgot I’m supposed to journal.  OK, what’s been happening in terms of my soul journey.

1. I scheduled a family constellation session so that I could give back the fear and anxiety to the ancestor who gave it to me.  I think it’s from my dad.  I didn’t have it before he passed away.  It doesn’t belong to my life and it is affecting my ability to create and connect to the eternal.
2. For work, I have created hitting my goals effortlessly, easily and early.  I have been getting calls and emails from people out of the blue.  I have reduced my quota by half in 2 weeks.  It is not over yet, but it is coming to me and I am grateful.
3. In relationships, I am visualizing being sought out by a man who meets my fulfillment list (I should review that list. I haven’t looked at it for over a year).  Our relationship is easy, fulfilling, love-filled, passionate, fun and exhilarating.  It is effortless and we can work out any issues in communication.  Very exciting.
4. My book and my blog are progressing with ease.  I can relax and follow the knock.  I can let go of any pressure or anxiety about not knowing how.  I am fulfilled and passionate.
5. I continue to share myself.  I am discovered for this unique ability and sought out for my sharing, willingness to say what can’t be said,  ability to empower and acknowledge, and creative genius in freeing people.  It is exciting and fulfilling.

I can let myself be and come out of my head back into the world.  It has been a mind-filled few days and I am happy to move beyond them and return to the outer world where I can create anything and love people.

Thank you for listening.