“Why don’t you share your community introduction with your friends?” Michael asked.
Good question. “Well, I guess I’m waiting until I get my shit together. If I share it now, they’ll know that the Landmark Forum doesn’t work. If it did, I wouldn’t be so frenetic and unorganized.”
Michael laughed. “Guess what? It’s going to be a long wait. You might never get your shit together. And that’s not a bad thing. I finally gave up thinking my desk would ever be neat. It’s just not. It never will be. I’ve accepted that this is just part of me. It’s pretty cool.”
“Really?” I said. “You mean, I can just give up waiting? But what will they think if I’m still the same crazy way?”
“Well,” Michael said. “Would you have shared any of this with me before the Landmark Forum?”
“No. I would have run away and hid. I would have pretended I was fine and done something I was good at instead. I would never have asked for help. I would have just forgotten I ever said I would do anything. I would have slowly slinked away from you and the center.”
“OK, that’s what you share.”
“That? Really?” OMG. I have been waiting since 1992 for me to get my act together. My sister thinks the The Landmark Forum doesn’t work because I still get mad. Another friend said it if worked I wouldn’t have gotten divorced. Another thinks I should never make a mistake or get upset if “that thing was so great. It obviously didn’t work on you. Why should I even think about it?”
And I believed them. And I’ve been waiting to share. Waiting to live. Waiting to be powerful. The underlying thought was “when I’m REALLY fixed, I can share and then they will GET IT.”
And it’s been a long freaking wait. 2018 minus 1992 is 26 freaking years of waiting. And I can’t say the wait has been fun, empowering or exciting.
Every time I don’t bring the right flyer to a client it means I’m still not ok. Every time I can’t find my pen in my bottomless bag I’m just a freaking unorganized loser. What kind of person has such a messy car? I look like I’m homeless. And when will I ever know where/how to file all the papers on my desk?
It’s all been evidence. And every time one of them happens, it’s like a notch down in my happiness, power and ability to be truly alive, self expressed, and share transformation. Like a silent suffering that “I still haven’t gotten it right. Oh well. Maybe one day. Maybe next year. Ho hum.” (I’m thinking in the voice of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh).
So after my talk with Michael I gave it up. I’m never going to get my shit together. I’ll never be as organized as Deb or my sister. I’ll never wrap a great present. I’ll never remember what the client said last year. And it’s ok. I’m just human. I have other strengths. I know how to love people. I know how to listen. I know how to acknowledge people and have them get their greatness. And I can see that in my opinion, I’d rather be good at that then bringing the right piece of paper or being able to find something in my bag.
I couldn’t believe it. It became a whole new world when I finally just accepted myself. Actually loved myself for all my craziness. Actually loved my faults.
It was miraculous.
I went to a client and had New York brochures instead of Connecticut.
I didn’t apologize for myself or feel a sense of shame. I didn’t wait for them to kick me out for my incompetence. I didn’t wish I was more like Deb.
Instead, I laughed. I giggled. I made a joke. It was so freaking freeing.
And then I couldn’t find my pen. Uh oh.
I merely asked if I could borrow the one on the desk.
And I laughed some more.
There was no significance, no suffering, no loss of power. I felt giddy and free.
I was listening yesterday to some people sharing on our webinars. I could hear them suffering about what they hadn’t gotten done, how they knew better than to stay up late, how they should be farther along in their job search, etc. They were making themselves so wrong.
And I saw the cost in aliveness. In making what we do or don’t do wrong. In thinking we should be different than we are. And I have spent my whole life doing that. Thinking I should be another way.
And I’m giving it up. (And I’ll probably forget and have to give it up every day from her on out).
But for today, I feel free. Really freaking free. My body is healthy and strong. My home is nourishing my soul and the sound of the waves outside is soothing. I’m good exactly where I am in pursuing my passion. My work is unbelievably great.
And just so you know, that’s not how I was talking a week ago. I was too fat to go on vacation. My house was a freaking mess. I was in danger of screwing up my numbers at work. And I was too crazy and frenetic to even see or hear the waves. I was a nut case that just wasn’t ok. I have an acronym for it – Fat, Old, Ugly Loser. FOUL!!!!!!
So this is a miracle. And it’s a function of sharing with Michael and and saying what can’t be said.
I thank Landmark and all the people who I participate with. Because without you, I would still be running away and not communicating anything. I’d be FINE – Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Which I can still be, but now I have a choice in the matter.
And I invite anyone in the Connecticut/Westchester, NY area to my Women’s Empowerment Community Introduction to the Landmark Forum on January 2nd from 6 – 9. Please comment if you would like the address or want to invite your friends. We are creating an amazing community of powerful women. And it’s very exciting.
And I challenge you to see where you are making yourself wrong thinking you should be another way. And share that. And see what happens.
Thanks for listening.
PS Saying Landmark or any of the courses on my blog is a new thing. It is bold. It is freeing. And that wasn’t happening before this weekend either. I have definitely come out of hiding. Where are you hiding?