Could It Have Worked?

I finally decided to read all the way through my book.  My copywriter had finished it a couple of months ago and I just couldn’t bring myself to read it.  I’m tired of my own story.  UGH!!!!  So I had been avoiding it.

Yesterday I got bogged down at some parts in the beginning and middle.  Stuff repeated, didn’t make sense, and I got bored.   I got upset and mired down.  I decided the whole thing it sucked and I shouldn’t even bother with the damn thing anymore.  Move on to something worthwhile.  Give up.  Throw the whole idea in the trash.

But today, I just decided to keep reading.  I noted where it needs work, kept reading  and made it to the end.  

And, I have to say,  I loved it.  Especially the end of the book.  It makes me laugh, cry and be inspired.  And it’s my story.

The parts that need work are where I put in background and explained why I didn’t speak up, or put up with stuff, or became victimized.  I don’t like those parts.  They repeat themselves and they bother me.  Because it was my life.  And I can see how I just let life happen to me.  And it makes me feel like I was a loser.

So I just kept making a list of those parts and kept going.  I am annoyed because I had told the woman I was paying to edit the book that these parts bothered me.  But she didn’t fix them.  And there were parts where it didn’t even look like she read through them.  I started making her wrong.  Especially because she used to tell me not to change anything that she had done.  And I could see I was becoming a victim again.

And also because the person who said he could design my cover and format my book hasn’t responded to my texts or emails either.

And I could see myself started to blame everyone else for my lack of progress.  

And then I realized that it’s MY BOOK.  I can change it if I want to.  I can rewrite the chapters that I want to.  I can eliminate stuff that’s not working.  I can edit it and proof read it myself if I want to.  And I don’t have to answer to anyone else.  And I can find someone else to do my cover or just be patient for God’s sake.  

And I am not dependent on anybody.  It’s my project and it’s my life.  

And that’s pretty freeing.  For the first time in my life, I actually feel free.  I am not waiting for anyone or depending on anyone.  

I can read my book and REALLY go through and see where things are repetitive.  AND FIX THEM MYSELF!!!  I don’t need to rely on anyone for that.  I had thought I did.  That I COULDN’T DO IT MYSELF!!

And I can see that everywhere.  Where I have felt helpless.  At work. with my car, with my weight, with my stuff, with my clothes, with my decisions.  Like I can’t do it alone.  I need someone to help me.

WOW!!!  I’m 59 years old.  When will I think I can do something myself.  Holy shit!!

This powerlessness has plagued me my whole life.  

Last night, I was reading a book that someone had recommended, ‘It Doesn’t Start with You’ by Mark Wolynn.   He asserts that people get trauma passed to them from prior generations.  It’s not even theirs, but they inherit it.  He has healed people by looking at traumas that happened to ancestors of theirs and helped them let them go.  

I decided to try it.  I started looking at the fear, anxiety, and powerlessness I get when I’m trying to go to sleep.   I can be really tired, but as soon as I am ready to turn off the light, my mind starts racing and my body feels like it has internal tremors.  I’ve tried breathing, meditating, and reading and nothing has worked to calm myself down.  Until I’m ready, I will fall asleep.  It doesn’t feel like the terror really belongs to me, but I didn’t know what to do.  I’ve accepted it.  But I don’t like it.

After reading the book, I immediately thought of my relatives who died in the Holocaust.  They would have felt the same way as me. 

Afraid, anxious, and powerless.  I could visualize them living in the concentration camps and experiencing those feelings.  Being terrorized.   After a few minutes I focused on returning those feelings to them so I didn’t have them anymore.  Since they are already dead, I didn’t think that it could hurt to give them back.  

I don’t know if it worked, but I am feeling way more relaxed today.   More in control of my own destiny.  Not as worried about pissing people off.  It’s kind of crazy, but if it works, who cares?

I will keep you posted.   It would be awesome if it really worked.

  

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