I’m just having too much fun.

Also, this on-line dating site has kept me very busy. I know it’s very early on and I’m a newbie, but I had 4 pages of messages to go through.

If nothing else, I can practice being my REAL self with these guys. Some are far away but “willing to relocate.” Whatever!!!

They are all very complimentary and it’s actually quite nice at this point in my life. I know my professional picture is very good and that’s the only one I posted.

Thanks for your comments and cheering me on. This video takes you outside on my deck. The first attempt shut my computer down so this is my second.

I’m actually going to a party tonight. I’m getting out of my house. Bringing wine and dessert. Yay me.

Have a great night.

And, as always, thanks for listening.

Hey guys:

I am totally on a roll. I can’t stop thinking about what I want to say in my next videos. I am really excited AND also feeling exposed. That’s what I discuss in this video so I won’t repeat it here.

I’ve been trying to speak publicly the last few months. My next and last attempt is this Thursday. It’s hard and so much more work and aggravation than these videos. This is fun, easy and quick and requires no one to show up.

My worry (of course – I couldn’t just enjoy something) is that this will be something I start and then forget about. And, so what if it is. I’ll do it until I don’t. It won’t mean anything.

Also, I am tempted to critique the hell out of these videos. I’m sniffing, my wrinkles, etc., but why? What good is that going to do except shut me down?

So I will resist the urge. I am really excited.

Another thing: I signed up for an on-line dating site that is free. My masseur yesterday is on it and met someone he’s been seeing. Also, because what I am trying to “change” is that I’m constrained around men. I could justify why I am, but I won’t bother to go there.

I figured why not sign up? I am not investing hundreds like last time. This way if I don’t like it, it’s no loss.

I am not going to try to change that I am constrained anymore. I am just going to be how ever I am. If I’m gun shy, maybe that’s a good thing. Trust my instincts a little more. Don’t ignore the signs THIS TIME!!!

So I’ve learned and I’m in the game. I’m embarrassed to say all that. Again, feeling exposed. That’s what I decided I am willing to risk. Being the “real me” and possibly being rejected, disappointed, or criticized. It’s scary but it’s also very exciting.

And that’s all good. Hope you’re having a great day. More to come.

Thanks for listening.

I had this one marked private so no one could find it. Oops! I just fixed it. I have so much to learn.

And, I can’t remember what I said so now I’m worrying about repeating myself. I don’t want to have to watch them to figure it out!!! Scary that I can’t remember.

Update on my book:

We did not finish editing it. Today was the deadline and we missed it.

Tomorrow I was supposed to work on the cover with my daughter but “she wants to go to the beach.” OK, pleasant me says. That’s fine.

Well, what can I say? Don’t enjoy your life? Help me instead?

So, I’m missing an artificial deadline that I set.

Can I let it go? Experience freedom and peace?

Or, stay mad that the world is not working the way I WANT IT TO!!!!! I guess that’s about 3 years old.

I will merely set a new goal!! And set a new time that works for both of us.

Why lose sight of all the good I did the last two days!

The GOOD: I figured out how to do a video, how to save it (took 24 hours), that I had a youtube channel whatever that is, and how to upload TWO videos. Then I shared it and got lots of amazing feedback.

It was incredible. Better than I ever thought possible. Beyond my wildest dreams. Seriously!!!

And now I am lost in the muck. Even after such a wonderful day. Here’s my muck:

• My sister is telling me about something my mother did. This is more evidence for why “she can’t be trusted and can’t be alone.” After hearing my sister’s version of things I get a little crazy. Is it the truth? Am I in denial? Is she right? Then I see my mother and I think everything is fine.
• I can’t remember what I said on the first video. So I’m still worried about saying the same thing twice. Like that’s a freaking cardinal sin that I should get shot over. OY!
• And, crazy enough, I’m afraid that I marked my second video private by accident because the universe think it’s sucks and is trying to prevent me from being embarrassed. (As if the universe has nothing better to do, right?)
• I had to lend my son money AGAIN even though I said I would NEVER GIVE HIM MONEY EVER AGAIN. Well, what was I supposed to do, let him run out of gas on the way to work?
• And, he hasn’t paid the car loan that is IN MY NAME, too because he ran out of money. (I should have known better, right? Why did I cosign the loan? Because he’s my kid!!!) OY OY
• So, I’m missing my book deadline. I wanted to have my book ready for my next speaking engagement on Thursday. Oh well. Since I may not have anyone there it really doesn’t matter. Well that’s negative thinking. Yes it is. OK, fine. I’ll invite more people tomorrow.
• I’m arguing with myself in public on this blog. Now I really think I’m crazy. Probably am. Better just accept it.

OK, I’m done. I hope it was amusing for you. It’s stuff like this that I think is over the edge and I should just delete, but who knows? Maybe this is the good stuff.

And, I don’t have to look at myself while writing like when I am doing the videos. That’s nerve racking for sure.

OK, thanks for letting me vent as always. I feel a little better now. I had a massage tonight and instead of relaxing all I did was talk the whole time. Well, I guess I needed to. It’s better than snoring.

Have a great night. Thanks for your listening, as usual.

My daughter gave me the go ahead. I know I was looking at my notes and I couldn’t help staring at the wrinkles above my lip.

But I did it. I don’t know how to rename this but that’s something new to learn.

I’m so happy I am moving forward.

More to come. Thanks for supporting me in this scary (I know, just body sensations) endeavor!!!

Hey guys, I actually have my own YouTube channel. Who knew that I created it in 2014. I certainly didn’t know I did.

I have decided in the last week that I will create my own channel and record short videos where I am being real. I’ve been told that I am funny. Let’s see if I am. And, who knows if this will work?

So far I have uploaded two videos. I had no makeup on and I was just ad-libbing to see if I could do it. It took me 24 hours to figure out how to save the first one. But I finally did. And then I figured out how to upload them to YouTube. Small victories. I am very proud of this.

My goal for the day is to do a video that I can use as my first public one. I am nervous and that’s ok.

If I wait to get it perfect, I’ll never do it. I will post the link when I figure out how to do it. And if I listen to my brain, I’m sunk before I start.

Here are some of the things my brain is saying:

• you suck
• you look like hell
• you don’t know what you’re doing
• you’re too old
• you’re not funny
• you’re an idiot
• who the fuck are you to think you can do this?
• no one will watch
• you don’t know what you’re doing (again)
• you’re too ugly, old and wrinkled for anyone to watch
• get a grip on yourself
• get real
• etc,

I think you get the point.

And, I will do it anyway. You’ve got to be bad to be good.

One thing is sure. This will be the REAL ME. My purpose is to allow my people pleasing, not getting people upset, and having to be pleasant past to entertain, inspire, and empower other women. To use what I’ve learned to make a difference.

And, to have fun doing it. What I’m creating for my future is to get paid for:

• listening
• creating
• entertaining
• inspiring
• empowering
• acknowledging

And to create an expansion in the area of time and money.

NOTES:

Not looking good will be extremely obvious as the camera picks up all wrinkles, lines etc.

And, I am not going to get professionally made up for these, folks. It will never happen if I wait for that. Plus, I don’t have the patience.

So, wish me luck. I guess I can use the blog to say all the stuff I’m afraid to say on the video. That may work.

I am nervous to do a public one but so what? It’s just body sensations and I can keep a throw up bucket next to me just in case.

Have a great day. And, as always, thanks for listening.

I have ten minutes. I’ll see what I can spit out in that time.

Then I’m going to see a potential new client.

I almost got on a webinar, but since they would have been able to see me and I had no shirt on, I didn’t think it was a good idea. Plus I had too much to do: get dressed, and clean up my dishes. Also, the underwear that was hanging on my chair drying would have been in full view of my camera. So I skipped it.

I’m writing to you instead.

I am thinking of doing a youtube channel whatever that means. And using my unusually honest and a tad sarcastic style as humor. A new Mrs. Maisel type thing.

My brain is saying “Really? I don’t think you’re that funny.”

And I answer, “I don’t either, it’s just that people tell me I am. So shut up.”

And that’s how my brain drives me crazy. In an ongoing argument with itself.

I thought I’d share it with you. See if it creates any FREEDOM AND PEACE.

Da dee dum. Still waiting for it……….da dee dum. No freedom yet.

Since I’m running out of time, I’m hoping I get some freedom and peace when I get to my car. Right now my brain is too busy figuring out what I should do, say, and be. And it’s not coming up with ANYTHING GOOD!!!

My goals:

• Be free and peaceful – Grade D/F
• Publish my book by next week – TBD
• Figure out what I’m going to speak about next Thursday – ongoing torture
• Invite more people – TBD
• Keep my not eating hours to at least 12 – that seems to be as uncomfortable as I want to get for right now

OK, gotta go. More later. Have a GREAT F——–G DAY!!!!!

I had an awesome vacation. I created FREEDOM and PEACE!!

And it’s been really great.

Even though I’m behind on my numbers, I’ve been free and peaceful. Today I was optimistic. I created a plan to generate some cash and bonuses regardless……..I was happy happy happy positive positive positive……..and then……….(music from Jaws)……

I went to a 2:00 appointment with an existing client. I brought a young agent who had attended two funerals this week. I was going to show her something positive.

We literally sat there, ignored, until 2:53. I got up to see what was going on for the second time.

The woman looked at us. “I’m sorry everyone left. There’s no one here to see you.”

“Well, it would have been nice if you had told us that at 2:00,” I said, not being able to contain my annoyance.

“We are understaffed and I couldn’t break away to tell you.”

“OK,” I said and left with my new associate.

We each got into our respective cars. I called her and had a tantrum. “I’m sorry that every time I bring you to something it is horrible. I am not showing you that AFLAC can work. I am sorry. This really sucks. That was rude.”

And she tried to cheer me up and tell me to think positive.

I wanted to scream at her. “Don’t fucking try to cheer me up.” But I didn’t. Instead, I bit my tounge.

I am present to the following:

• body sensations – headache, backache, achey, head pounding
• shitty attitude – THIS SUCKS!
• the thought that something is VERY WRONG HERE

It’s basically that my body actually hurts right now and my head is pounding. I’m wondering if I hurt myself at the gym this morning doing back and biceps. It’s not normal.

Honestly, my vacation was great. I didn’t miss this AFLAC bullshit – having to set appointments, being treated like an ass hole by clients and prospects, people cancelling, missing my numbers, being dependent on agents and other people, and feeling like a FUCKING LOSER!!! I didn’t miss it one bit.

An aside: Two people I know were diagnosed with cancer while I was gone. That is really sad. That could be what’s underlying this. Trying to be fucking positive when it’s scary as hell.

I’m done trying to be good. I’m not. I talk about people and I have a bad attitude sometimes and I like to have a few drinks and I should be thinner.

I have no patience and I’m moody.

And that’s all ok. I don’t need to fix myself. I’m allowed to be frustrated and disappointed. I don’t need to be fucking Pollyanna. That’s just not my style. And I’m going to tell my agent that the next time she starts lecturing me. I’ll send her to my mother and they an be PERKY together. Just leave me the fuck alone.

This actually feels better. I’m not a good pretender anymore.

I’m FRUSTRATED AND DISAPPOINTED, got that? And it’s fine. DO NOT TELL ME TO BE ANOTHER WAY, PLEASE!!!!

If you do, I’ll start screaming at you and you wouldn’t like that.

Oh, second aside: My ex husband couldn’t believe one of our clients was afraid to talk to his wife about covering his daughter on a policy.

That reminded me of a MARITAL INCIDENT. The one that ended our marriage.

INCIDENT: My ex enrolled our son in a private school knowing I was FULLY and UTTERLY against it. He didn’t talk to me about it because he knew I was against it. He just did it behind my back.

“If it cost me our marriage, I am ok with it,” he had said. “I would do it again if I had to.”

And it did cost him our marriage. So don’t ever feel sorry for that bastard. He didn’t want to discuss it.

“I wasn’t afraid to,” he said this morning. “I just figured why should I when I knew how you felt?”

So he did what he wanted without discussing it with me. I found out from my mother that my son had enrolled in that school. I couldn’t believe he did it. He still thinks it was the right thing to do.

Sorry, the memory just frosts me. And makes me sad. That I was SO not included in my ex’s decision making. That I felt irrelevant and that I didn’t matter. That marriage was supposed to be my dream. GUESS IT WASN’T!!!

“So don’t be surprised that the guy doesn’t want to talk to his wife. Look what you did,” I screamed at him this morning. “YOU WERE HORRIBLE!” I screamed.

“I’ve always loved your passion,” he said.

I wanted to strangle him. I’m still pissed off about it 6 hours later. FUCK HIM.

I don’t know if I should publish this. But IT IS THE REAL ME.

And, what I gave up last week was not wanting to risk being my real self. And risking being disappointed or rejected for it. And left in the driveway.

So, I’m going to publish it. Why not?

Maybe someone else will get free to be real. I’m tired of pretending I’m nice.

It certainly doesn’t get me anywhere.

Thanks for LISTENING!!!!

(Yes, the caps are me yelling!!!!! Hope you enjoy it!!!!)

And, miraculously my back feels better!!!! Have a great fucking day!!

PS I did apologize to the client for losing my shit. The woman said I was fine. Maybe I wasn’t as bad as I thought. Who knows?

Tomorrow I am leaving for North Carolina for my nephew’s Bar Mitsvah. My whole family will be there.

My commitment is: everyone is perfect as they are, AND to listen from people’s greatness. I have shared this with my immediate family and they are all on board.

Then, Sunday, I leave for Costa Rica. I am on a Consultant’s Vacation Course. I asked one of the consultant’s if it was their vacation and we were just included in it.

“No,” he said. They are working and taking care of us. I like that better. It’s actually pretty cool. I think there’s about 50 of us. At the Four Seasons.

I was still in a funk. Still from the other night. Instead of allowing myself to be sad, I’ve wanted to run away. Really run away. From everyone.

I told this person that I thought I would just stay home. No one to run away from at home. I’ll just tell people I’m gone and hide for a week.

“Well, I’ve heard the Four Seasons has pretty nice rooms. You might as well hide there,” he said.

I started laughing. “I guess you’re right. It’s already paid for. I might as well go.”

At the end of our conversation I said I was fine.

“Are you sure?”

“Why?” I asked.

“You know, it’s ok to just be sad.”

How did he know I was still stuck? Amazing.

“I don’t know if I can. I feel like it’s too hard. I feel like I’ll fall apart if I do,” I said.

I thought about it. I know that being sad only takes seconds. Trying not to be sad takes years of feeling stuck inside my head and body. I gave him a list of things that had gotten to me and I didn’t think should be this way.

Then I allowed myself to be sad for about two seconds. I started laughing.

“OK, you’re right,” I said. “It wasn’t that hard. Thank you.”

And now I’m excited for my trip. To get away. To not have to listen to other people’s problems all day. To just be able to BE ME. And relax.

I don’t know if I’ll write when I’m away. We will see.

Have a great week.

Thanks for listening.

Yesterday I went to my mom’s house. I hadn’t seen her in a week or two. I told her that I wanted to be finished with dinner by 7:00. I told her at least 5 times.

It was Labor Day. A nice relaxing day. I got a lot done and showed up at my mom’s house at 5:30 with plenty of food and plenty of time.

She wasn’t there. I called her. No answer.

She finally got home at 6:30. She had lost her phone and didn’t know where it is.

“I got salmon,” she said happily.

“Well, I brought chicken. You didn’t need to go shopping. I want to be done by 7:00.”

“You’ll be fine,” she said. “It’s only 6:30.”

She starts unloading lots of vegetables and two beautiful pieces of salmon. Chattering away.

I wanted to run away. I couldn’t be with my feelings. I didn’t want to be ungrateful. I didn’t want to be a bitch.

She had been visiting my aunt who is not doing well. Then she decided to go to Trader Joe’s, her favorite store. Even though, in my opinion, there was plenty of food.

I had gone there to see HER. Not to sit in an empty house waiting for her. I was UPSET. I didn’t even know what to say. I was sad, but didn’t want her to see.

Even though I didn’t want to ruin the night, I ruined it for me. I was in an incident. Here’s how my internal thoughts went:

• it doesn’t matter what I say – I can’t have what I want – AND, if I complain, I’m just a high maintenance, complaining bitch
• my mother is going to do what she wants no matter what – if I say anything, I am a cruel ungrateful daughter – after all, she’s 89 and I should be lucky to have her
• it’s sad watching her – she doesn’t seem to REALLY be in touch – her refrigerator and shelves seem stocked with unneeded redundancies – she will eat old food rather than throw it out
• I don’t want to be sad in front of her so I’ll hold it – and all I feel is anger – I want to run out of there and be some place where I can explode into body wrenching sobs – but I don’t – I just hold it all in, seething
• I went up to bed early like I usually do but my mind was so fucked up that I didn’t fall asleep for about four hours – not a good way to spend my night when I had to get up early

And, after all that, I did stop eating at 7:00. We cooked the salmon fast and I was finished when I wanted to be.

Why by 7:00? It’s my new thing. Sort of a beginner’s intermittent fasting.

I was down .8 of a pound today. I’m lower than I have been in a year. So, I’ll keep doing it until it stops working. Why not?

Today I just feel shame. How could I be such a terrible person? My mom went and bought salmon and I had an internal shit fit that on the outside was like a mad, unfun, dissatisfied bitch. I wouldn’t want to be around me. YUCK!!!

And the amazing thing is that my mom loves me anyway. And I don’t know how she could. I hate that part of me.

Next time I could just speak up. I could responsibly say how I feel.

It’s ok that I couldn’t last night. I can forgive myself (I think).

I’ll just keep practicing speaking up and saying what I don’t think I can say. That’s my plan.

OK, gotta go get the sleep I missed last night.

Thanks for listening.

I have nothing to say. So, let’s see what my fingers start typing.

I’ve been reading some great stuff. Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly, and continuing to read Speaking Being and the Michael Singer book (blanking on name).

Not much time for fiction. I’m going on a trip and I’m thinking I will load up on some brainless happy ending books. We will see. Sometimes I just can’t find any that call to me.

Brene’s book talks about shame, shame resilience and vulnerability. It says women’s biggest thing is how they look. For men, they can’t look weak.

What I’m committed to is people being their “real” selves. Not the self with the mask that wants to look good and do everything perfectly.

That’s why I like Brene Brown. She admits when she makes a mistake or feels embarassed or ashamed.

I was also listening to Amanda Palmer be interviewed by Tim Ferriss. She also talked about being vulnerable and discussed things like miscarriages, death and struggles. I think it is personally refreshing to hear people be real.

For me, personally, what’s in the way of being real is being liked, not getting people upset, and thinking I’m just crazy. Lately I’ve been putting myself first instead of placating others, and I have to be honest, it’s uncomfortable. But it’s also liberating.

I am currently struggling with names for my book, the tag line, and what to do for my next speaking gig. I’m not suffering, mind you, I’m struggling or grappling. So don’t be giving me advice on how not to suffer (a pet peeve). I’m not suffering.

I’m in the inquiry. And enjoying being in the not knowing and discovery. When I can let go of that I have to know, it’s quite enjoyable.

I’m also late to meet a friend so I have to go. And hope that my chicken on the grill is ready by the time I have to leave.

It’s a beautiful day on my deck. I am truly blessed to have found this beach cottage. I thank God for the peace and tranquility it brings to my life.

Hope you are having a wonderful Labor Day.

Thanks for listening.