I’m Back

I had an awesome vacation. I created FREEDOM and PEACE!!

And it’s been really great.

Even though I’m behind on my numbers, I’ve been free and peaceful. Today I was optimistic. I created a plan to generate some cash and bonuses regardless……..I was happy happy happy positive positive positive……..and then……….(music from Jaws)……

I went to a 2:00 appointment with an existing client. I brought a young agent who had attended two funerals this week. I was going to show her something positive.

We literally sat there, ignored, until 2:53. I got up to see what was going on for the second time.

The woman looked at us. “I’m sorry everyone left. There’s no one here to see you.”

“Well, it would have been nice if you had told us that at 2:00,” I said, not being able to contain my annoyance.

“We are understaffed and I couldn’t break away to tell you.”

“OK,” I said and left with my new associate.

We each got into our respective cars. I called her and had a tantrum. “I’m sorry that every time I bring you to something it is horrible. I am not showing you that AFLAC can work. I am sorry. This really sucks. That was rude.”

And she tried to cheer me up and tell me to think positive.

I wanted to scream at her. “Don’t fucking try to cheer me up.” But I didn’t. Instead, I bit my tounge.

I am present to the following:

• body sensations – headache, backache, achey, head pounding
• shitty attitude – THIS SUCKS!
• the thought that something is VERY WRONG HERE

It’s basically that my body actually hurts right now and my head is pounding. I’m wondering if I hurt myself at the gym this morning doing back and biceps. It’s not normal.

Honestly, my vacation was great. I didn’t miss this AFLAC bullshit – having to set appointments, being treated like an ass hole by clients and prospects, people cancelling, missing my numbers, being dependent on agents and other people, and feeling like a FUCKING LOSER!!! I didn’t miss it one bit.

An aside: Two people I know were diagnosed with cancer while I was gone. That is really sad. That could be what’s underlying this. Trying to be fucking positive when it’s scary as hell.

I’m done trying to be good. I’m not. I talk about people and I have a bad attitude sometimes and I like to have a few drinks and I should be thinner.

I have no patience and I’m moody.

And that’s all ok. I don’t need to fix myself. I’m allowed to be frustrated and disappointed. I don’t need to be fucking Pollyanna. That’s just not my style. And I’m going to tell my agent that the next time she starts lecturing me. I’ll send her to my mother and they an be PERKY together. Just leave me the fuck alone.

This actually feels better. I’m not a good pretender anymore.

I’m FRUSTRATED AND DISAPPOINTED, got that? And it’s fine. DO NOT TELL ME TO BE ANOTHER WAY, PLEASE!!!!

If you do, I’ll start screaming at you and you wouldn’t like that.

Oh, second aside: My ex husband couldn’t believe one of our clients was afraid to talk to his wife about covering his daughter on a policy.

That reminded me of a MARITAL INCIDENT. The one that ended our marriage.

INCIDENT: My ex enrolled our son in a private school knowing I was FULLY and UTTERLY against it. He didn’t talk to me about it because he knew I was against it. He just did it behind my back.

“If it cost me our marriage, I am ok with it,” he had said. “I would do it again if I had to.”

And it did cost him our marriage. So don’t ever feel sorry for that bastard. He didn’t want to discuss it.

“I wasn’t afraid to,” he said this morning. “I just figured why should I when I knew how you felt?”

So he did what he wanted without discussing it with me. I found out from my mother that my son had enrolled in that school. I couldn’t believe he did it. He still thinks it was the right thing to do.

Sorry, the memory just frosts me. And makes me sad. That I was SO not included in my ex’s decision making. That I felt irrelevant and that I didn’t matter. That marriage was supposed to be my dream. GUESS IT WASN’T!!!

“So don’t be surprised that the guy doesn’t want to talk to his wife. Look what you did,” I screamed at him this morning. “YOU WERE HORRIBLE!” I screamed.

“I’ve always loved your passion,” he said.

I wanted to strangle him. I’m still pissed off about it 6 hours later. FUCK HIM.

I don’t know if I should publish this. But IT IS THE REAL ME.

And, what I gave up last week was not wanting to risk being my real self. And risking being disappointed or rejected for it. And left in the driveway.

So, I’m going to publish it. Why not?

Maybe someone else will get free to be real. I’m tired of pretending I’m nice.

It certainly doesn’t get me anywhere.

Thanks for LISTENING!!!!

(Yes, the caps are me yelling!!!!! Hope you enjoy it!!!!)

And, miraculously my back feels better!!!! Have a great fucking day!!

PS I did apologize to the client for losing my shit. The woman said I was fine. Maybe I wasn’t as bad as I thought. Who knows?