Is Running Better Than Numbing?

Yesterday I went to my mom’s house. I hadn’t seen her in a week or two. I told her that I wanted to be finished with dinner by 7:00. I told her at least 5 times.

It was Labor Day. A nice relaxing day. I got a lot done and showed up at my mom’s house at 5:30 with plenty of food and plenty of time.

She wasn’t there. I called her. No answer.

She finally got home at 6:30. She had lost her phone and didn’t know where it is.

“I got salmon,” she said happily.

“Well, I brought chicken. You didn’t need to go shopping. I want to be done by 7:00.”

“You’ll be fine,” she said. “It’s only 6:30.”

She starts unloading lots of vegetables and two beautiful pieces of salmon. Chattering away.

I wanted to run away. I couldn’t be with my feelings. I didn’t want to be ungrateful. I didn’t want to be a bitch.

She had been visiting my aunt who is not doing well. Then she decided to go to Trader Joe’s, her favorite store. Even though, in my opinion, there was plenty of food.

I had gone there to see HER. Not to sit in an empty house waiting for her. I was UPSET. I didn’t even know what to say. I was sad, but didn’t want her to see.

Even though I didn’t want to ruin the night, I ruined it for me. I was in an incident. Here’s how my internal thoughts went:

  • it doesn’t matter what I say – I can’t have what I want – AND, if I complain, I’m just a high maintenance, complaining bitch
  • my mother is going to do what she wants no matter what – if I say anything, I am a cruel ungrateful daughter – after all, she’s 89 and I should be lucky to have her
  • it’s sad watching her – she doesn’t seem to REALLY be in touch – her refrigerator and shelves seem stocked with unneeded redundancies – she will eat old food rather than throw it out
  • I don’t want to be sad in front of her so I’ll hold it – and all I feel is anger – I want to run out of there and be some place where I can explode into body wrenching sobs – but I don’t – I just hold it all in, seething
  • I went up to bed early like I usually do but my mind was so fucked up that I didn’t fall asleep for about four hours – not a good way to spend my night when I had to get up early

And, after all that, I did stop eating at 7:00. We cooked the salmon fast and I was finished when I wanted to be.

Why by 7:00? It’s my new thing. Sort of a beginner’s intermittent fasting.

I was down .8 of a pound today. I’m lower than I have been in a year. So, I’ll keep doing it until it stops working. Why not?

Today I just feel shame. How could I be such a terrible person? My mom went and bought salmon and I had an internal shit fit that on the outside was like a mad, unfun, dissatisfied bitch. I wouldn’t want to be around me. YUCK!!!

And the amazing thing is that my mom loves me anyway. And I don’t know how she could. I hate that part of me.

Next time I could just speak up. I could responsibly say how I feel.

It’s ok that I couldn’t last night. I can forgive myself (I think).

I’ll just keep practicing speaking up and saying what I don’t think I can say. That’s my plan.

OK, gotta go get the sleep I missed last night.

Thanks for listening.

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