Mom and Me at the Penn Squash Court Dedication Event

I brought my mom with me to a big event at Penn. They were dedicating the newly renovated Penn Squash courts to my old coach. It was special.

I talk about it in the video I will attach. It was really great. My mom is the best person to bring to an event. She doesn’t complain and is up for anything. I realized how lucky I was to have her there.

It was fun, but like any homecoming type weekend, it ended.

Now I am home and realizing THIS is my real life. That life ended 38 years ago. Can you believe that?

Penn squash was a big part of my life, though. 4 years of playing every day. Travelling to matches and becoming the captain. It was very special and a highlight of my college career. And I didn’t even know what squash was when I got there as a freshman. That’s pretty cool.

Seeing my coach and several teammates was great. We will always share a special bond.

It’s so easy to forget the things in my life that I really enjoyed. That were such a big part of my life at that time. Going there this weekend reminded me of the “special-ness” of my experience at Penn.

Finding out that a few of my teammates had passed away was difficult to hear. I had just assumed everyone was thriving like I am. Wow! A rude awakening.

All night they kept flashing a slide show. Of course I looked for myself. I was in the groups of five women that got to play in Toronto over Christmas and in the team pictures as well. I never thought that those talented young women standing next to me were no longer with us. It made the time there even more special. Reminding me to not take anything or anyone for granted.

Another topic: My meditation task today was about thinking about 3 situations where I feel or felt the freedom to simply be.

I’m still thinking about them. I’d say on first glance:

  • when I am dancing to a great song
  • when I am writing
  • when I am recording my videos

Other times:

  • moments when I am with my friends from the past
  • moments when I’m with my family especially when we are dancing
  • moments when I am listening to someone and really getting what it is like in their world
  • moments when someone is listening to me with no judgement or opinion
  • feeling a connection to someone
  • sharing with people

It’s interesting to see that my first three were when I am alone. If I am with people, I can have small segments of that. Probably until I start thinking. Then I separate myself and start feeling like I don’t belong. When I am just having fun, being in the moment, and not worrying is when I am free to be.

I know that when I am disapproved of, feel criticized, rejected or dismissed, or think someone is upset, I will go in my head and not be free to be. So that’s good to know.

I was definitely hooting and hollering at the Penn thing – free to be and maybe a little loud – but it was fun. And, the red wine probably helped. I felt connected, part of things, and free to be.

Something to keep noticing. Definitely want more free to be moments in my life. It is fun and exhilarating and I feel connected to the world. “Life is great.”

Well, that’s more than I thought I would say. Here’s the video:

Have a great night. Time to unpack and get ready for MONDAY!!!!

Thanks for listening.

Penn Squash and I Am Cool

My daughter thinks that I’m cool.

How great is that.

I am trying to remember to listen to other people’s opinions of me instead of my own. Mine are always negative, disempowering, depressing and down right hopeless.

Why not listen to other people’s opinions?

Life could be fun. Life could be a creation. I could live my dreams……….

Anyway, I gotta go. I’m already late.

Have a fabulous, fascinating weekend!!!

Thanks for listening.

OK – I did this video

I finally had time to do the video about what I discussed in my earlier blog today. I don’t think I need to repeat myself.

All I can say is: wow! I feel so much better.

I have been having the worst time since the weekend. I had said I would complete a whole bunch of things in my life. I didn’t think I was doing them right and I’ve made myself wrong, wrong, wrong.

Finally I can see the light of day. Hallelujah. FREEDOM.

I just remembered that I had this opening this morning when I was reading the Untethered Soul.

I’ve been reading the same two pages for a while now. They are so powerful that I haven’t moved on from them.

They say you have to go through the discomfort in order to get to freedom. Instead of resisting it, or stopping at the edge of it, go through it. Like the dog in the electric fence. Barrel your way through the pain. And on the other side is freedom.

These pages were exactly what I needed to hear. I almost didn’t read this book today, but since I had forgotten my easy reading happy ending book, I picked this one up. Thank God.

Fat Loser that No One Can Love – I can joke about it now. How cool is that?

It was the perfect message at the perfect time. Wow!! Awesome!!! Hallelujah again.

Anyway, gotta go. I want to take a nap before my seminar.

Have a great night. And thanks for listening.

Fat Loser Who No One Can Love

I’ve been stressed out the last couple of days.

I was sitting down to dinner last night with one of my friends. I told her I was struggling in my results and feeling bad about it.

“I know, I’ve watched your videos. You’ve been talking about it for a few days.”

Oh. I guess I have.

Is that a problem? Am I an idiot? Should I not be?

My self torture started last night and continued into the morning. I have a list of items I’m trying to “complete” from a course I did over the weekend.

I decided to complete another one on my drive to the gym this morning at 5:00 AM. It was with my dad, who has passed away. I decided to have a conversation with him.

“Dad, the last thing you said to me was, “don’t eat that cookie.”

“I know. I was dying. Can’t you let it go?”

“I tried, I thought I did, but dad, I didn’t like it. I would have liked you to have said something loving and wonderful. My whole life has been about me wishing you could just love me as I am.”

“I do love you. And, I didn’t think you should be eating the cookie. It was automatic. And, I was dying. That day for God’s sake.”

“I know. It’s stupid, but I can’t let go of it.”

We continued to chat. He loved and loves me. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. It’s the way he was. He always wanted me to be my best self. And, he thought you could never be too thin or too rich.

Since he died I have gained 5-7 pounds. I thought I had moved on from his comment. Today I realized I did not.

I know I can forgive him. And I can forgive myself. Just give me a few minutes……………….

On the stairmaster, I looked at my thoughts some more. And my stress.

I’ve been afraid I’m a “Fat loser who no one can love.”

That’s my biggest fear. That it’s true. Every day, every result, every glance in the mirror, every bad date, every critical comment, every weird look has been whether that statement is true or not.

“I’m thin. I’m fat. She’s fatter than me. I’m thinner than her. I’m ok if I stand like this, but if I stand like that you can see my flab roles……….” and it never stops. It creates stress, back pain, headaches and obsession.

Today, still on the stairmaster, I decided to take the case that’s it’s true.

Then I don’t have to worry. I can relax. I have nothing to worry about. I can finally live.

I can be free to eat what I want. I can not worry about my results. Because not having results has seemed like a life sentence. I can enjoy being alone.

Because the worst case has happened. I’ve been proving it my whole life. And now I can stop worrying……..

Cause I know it’s all in my brain.

Not in reality. There are plenty of people who love me. I am healthy and fit and would love to lose 10 more pounds but if I don’t, I can still have a great life.

And, I’ve accomplished quite a bit in my 60 years. I’m actually a success.

Just don’t tell my brain. I’m going to just let it think it won.

I’m a FAT LOSER who no one can love. It’s a lot easier than being afraid and worrying and being stressed out.

OK, gotta go to my next client. I’m going to be relaxed, loving, have fun and joyful.

Because I have nothing to prove.

More later.

(And I hope this made sense. I have to leave and can’t read through it again – OOPSIE!!!)

Tried to Stay Upset

I was in a great mood until our new wonderful AFLAC system kept throwing me out when I was trying to sell to a client. It was taking a long time to get to the next screen and instead of getting there, it logged me out. I was trying to stay positive.

“I’m sorry, but I am going to have to leave.”

What could I say? I couldn’t make the system work.

I packed up my stuff. I went outside.

I got in my car. I actually cried for several moments.

I decided not to resist my feelings. I let them out and keep watching my thoughts. I traced them back to an 8 year old incident.

My mother was trying to teach me how to hit the tennis ball for the first time.

I couldn’t hit it. I kept missing it and missing it. Finally I quit.

“Keep trying,” my mother said.

“NO. I CAN’T DO THIS.”

I don’t know if I threw my racket at that age, but I definitely had a temper tantrum.

I can see that I still hate not being able to do something. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I want to quit. I make it wrong. I make myself wrong. The whole world gets wrong.

Well, folks, this has been my work. I haven’t been able to sell.

And it has lasted 4 months. My sales have sucked for 4 months. The longest slump ever. I HATE IT!!!

The Law of Attraction BE DAMNED. I decided to let my negativity flow.

“I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I CAN’T DO THIS.”

My adult version of the tantrum is to numb it. Give me a beer or wine and some nachos. Let me numb the pain in my chest, neck and back. Numb the fact that when I don’t sell, I don’t make money and it doesn’t seem like I will EVER SELL ANYTHING EVER AGAIN!!!!

Today, I tried to NOT BE HAPPY on the video. You will see what happened if you watch it. I had fun but no tell anyone because I’m supposed to still be miserable.

And, you will learn who Pathetic Patty is. A very close friend. A little too close.

Pathetic Patty or Happy Hilary?

What I know: it definitely helps to get this stuff out. Pretending I’m fine just makes it worse.

This was actually fun. And 45 minutes ago I didn’t think that was possible.

Have a great night. Thanks for listening.

I Did It

Today I started out happy. It was great. Full of life, possibility and ready to conquer the world.

All it took was three little things and BOOM!

My thoughts change to:

Everything sucks. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m broke and will never make money. These videos are stupid. I’ll never publish my book. I’ll never find a guy. I’m fat….you know, the usual shit when I am in my down swing.

It was an immediate switch. Happy one minute, resigned and pathetic the next.

Here’s the thing.

I just spent the weekend listing all my incompletions. I created wonderful ways to take on my disappointments and create life:

  • forgive and move on
  • let it go and move on
  • put the past in the past and create life in the present
  • get over myself and enjoy my life by focusing on the positive

Aren’t those wonderful thoughts? I thought so way back when I made them this morning.

I had marked complete next to a bunch of these items. And I was complete this morning.

Now, however, I don’t think I am anymore. This afternoon I am calling myself a liar. I can say they are done as long as I am in a good mood. This afternoon I am not and so I hate everyone again, including myself. I have not moved on. I am still hating and resenting. I am VERY STUCK IN THE PAST, feeling hopeless and powerless.

Well, maybe not in reality. That’s just how it feels.

And, I look totally ugly on this video when it gets me in the wind and from the side. Just saying………

OK, I’m back. Had to change into my comfy bra.

I think the reason I have the headache is because I had too much coffee this morning. I got to a meeting and was going to switch to water. But, my associate had bought me a LARGE coffee cause that’s what I like and drink in the morning. So what did I do? I DRANK IT!!!

UGH!! Big mistake.

OK, I am going to close my eyes and try to relax and BE with the headache. Maybe that will work.

This video really made me laugh out loud. I was all over the place. Let me know if you laugh too!!! (Or if you think it’s dumb!!@!)

Asta La Vista.

Trying Blog First

I’m eating dinner so not going to record right now. I’m trying to write instead.

And, start with the good stuff instead of the negative. For a change:

  1. The guy who is going to help me link my websites, videos and blogs finally emailed me today with ideas. I am so excited. I’ve been waiting since June so this is really great news.
  2. I did some work with my disempowering conversations this weekend. I can literally let them go and create something new. It is very freeing.
  3. After my second date yesterday with Barry Manilow, I got resigned about ever meeting anyone. Today I saw that I was just disappointed. When I’m feeling negative, blaming myself, feeling hopeless and wanting to numb myself, I’ve been seeing that it tracks to a disappointment.
  4. Once I recognize that, I can deal with it, and come back to creating something new powerfully.
  5. This isn’t new, it’s just that I don’t always recognize what my trigger is. It occurs like things really do suck and are hopeless. Seeing the moment it started is helpful. Then I can look at what happened objectively instead of just going down the dark tunnel of powerlessness and hopelessness. It’s not a fun place to be.
  6. I wrote about this for years in my first blog, Tired of Feeling Blog. It helped me get from the left/dark side to the right/happy side. I developed techniques. I tried to shorten the time on the left.
  7. I haven’t looked at that stuff for years. I don’t think I will. I’d be afraid to go back to those not so fun days.

Gotta go. I’m going to go back to my jigsaw puzzle and perhaps a Hallmark or Lifetime movie. It doesn’t matter if I don’t finish the movie. I know how they end!!!! Will it be a Christmas movie or will they be royalty or talented musicians?

It doesn’t matter. Even if the guy and girl just met, they always end up happily ever after!!!

Have a great night. Thanks for listening!