I Think I Lied

Yesterday I said I was going to say that “SUCCESS IS EASY.”

I was empowered, positive and HOPEFUL!!!

Even this morning I was envisioning success, on the phones, making calls, and expecting fucking miracles.

Driving home from my last appointment, I was thinking not only is SUCCESS HARD, it’s VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE AND NOT WORTH GOING AFTER.

If I count the number of “dings”, I probably won’t be surprised that I am now FRUSTRATED, RESIGNED and PATHETIC (Willa likes me to call it powerless but I prefer PATHETIC – Willa is the person helping me with my book and she hates when I call myself pathetic)!!! Yes, I said PATHETIC.

Here’s what happened:

  1. DING 1: A client told me their board decided not to offer AFLAC to any of their employees. The one person who has something can keep it. But don’t come in or call them anymore basically.
  2. DING 2: Another client told me they had 4 new people, no one was interested, and no need to make a visit this year.
  3. My client, who was about to buy a cancer plan, told me he needed to think about it and to call him next week.
  4. My new agent scheduled a new client that I HAD FOUND on a day that I can’t go. WTF?

The last one pisses me off. It’s MY client. I worked hard for it. She was helping and says she can’t get her to change the date. WTF? It’s on a Saturday when the account opening office is closed. And then she wouldn’t pick up the phone so I could explain this.

I guess it’s 4 dings and I flat line. Done. I’m done. I’m FUCKING DONE!!

Let’s add that my daughter’s expensive insurance isn’t covering her physical and lab test for the tune of $1100. Who the FUCK do you think is going to have to pay for that?

You got it!!! ME!!!

And before that, I was having a great day!! Sold a dental plan, lost 2 pounds, great cardio workout, making calls, visualizing my success, thin body, great man, and best selling book as well as getting paid lots of money for my inspiring, life changing speaking.

BOOM!!! 4 dings and I’m out. (I had always thought it was 3).

Frustration is a childlike response. OK, I get it. I want people to do what I WANT THEM TO DO!!! What’s wrong with that?

I guess nothing if you’re 3 years old.

So what can I do?

I can keep making calls to new places.

I can call the woman myself and reschedule it for when I can be there.

I can grow up the conversation to say that I’d prefer people to do what I want them to, but since I can’t control what they do, I can accept their actions. (A little too mature, frankly, but isn’t that the idea?)

ANOTHER NOTE:

I am trying to finish eating by 5:00 so I can have 14 hours of fasting. It’s my new thing. I’ve done it 3 days and lost 2 pounds. 5:00 is a little early and I’m a little nervous so I’m shoveling food in my mouth because I have to leave in a few minutes.

I don’t know if this is a good strategy. We will see. At least it’s something new.

OK, gotta go.

Thanks for listening. As almost always, I feel better acknowledging my childish expectations and reactions. It feels better than just silently thinking I’m an idiot. Better to do it publicly!!!!!

ADIOS!!!!

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Success is Easy

That’s what I’m going to say today. All day.

Because this weekend I was all in a funk. I know, what’s new?

Powerless, negative, and just plain nasty in my own little head.

I realize that I’ve been listening from a filter of “I can’t. I don’t know how. I suck. There’s nothing I can do.”

And, since April when I had to put a bunch in an IRA to save on my taxes, I’ve been back living in scarcity.

And, since then, I’ve stopped making money and doing well.

So why not change what I’m telling myself and saying?

SUCCESS IS EASY. WEALTH CREATION IS EASY. I’m living in abundance. I know what to do. I got this.

Time for some fucking miracles. Why not?

(I’m not really believing this, but I don’t have to).

I’m going to HIT FAME!!!! MIRACLES!!!

I’m losing weight!!!!

I’m happy!!!

My wonderful guy is awesome and loves to take care of me!!! I’m in love!!

Life is awesome!!!

Gotta go to a meeting!!

Be How I Am

I’m mad. I don’t think I should be.

Or maybe I’m sad. OK, I’m sad.

I’ve given up on my numbers for the quarter.

[I’ve hit 6 times in a row, more than any other district sales coordinator. I’ve only missed one “FAME” in the past 4 years. It makes me “good.” I feel “special” when this happens. And I live for that, I guess. More about this later.]

Last March, I also gave up for a few days. I did end up hitting them, but during the time I “gave up”, I felt the same as I do now:

  • Feeling dead
  • Not wanting to do anything – why should I, it won’t make a difference
  • Tired
  • Achy
  • Mad
  • Sad
  • Defeated
  • Not talking to anyone
  • Powerless
  • Only wanting to sit in the sun or sleep or eat or drink to numb myself from this apathy and horrible feeling

Because if I don’t hit my numbers, I cease to exist.

I’m not special. I won’t get the bonus. I’ll be JUST LIKE everyone else.

And, I’m not that good at sales, so I’ll actually be much worse than everyone else.

It feels like I should just die. (Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, I’m just following the thoughts to see where I end up so I can get to freedom. No worries about me, please. This is my process.)

I guess if I’m not special, than I don’t matter. So I NEED to be special. That’s why my conversation with PSYCHO the other day made me feel good. I felt SPECIAL.

Special doesn’t really exist, though, if I come back to the present. Everyone is special and no one is special. Everyone matters. I matter anyway. Even if someone leaves me in the driveway or forgets to show up. Even if they don’t want to play with me. Even if I don’t get my bonus or hit my numbers. Even if I’m alone. And, even if I feel like this.

I think I’ve picked the men I did because they were good talkers and made me feel special. When they disappointed me later, if fit my story. “See, I knew it. I:

  • can’t have what I want
  • something’s wrong with me
  • I’m unlovable
  • I’ll always be disappointed
  • people lie – I can’t count on anyone”

I got to be right. I picked people who told me what I wanted to hear. Without actions to match the words. And, always was waiting. Waiting and waiting…..for the good part to return.

Just like in the driveway. I was still hopeful, waiting for them to come back and take me. But they didn’t.

And I’m still waiting……….for the good part.

WOW!!!! And I’m sad about it. And mad that this keeps happening to me.

I’m a powerless victim, at the effect of others. And picking people that are SURE to disappoint because that’s how they are. And, even though I see the signs, I still wait and hope for things to change. And they don’t.

[I was going to type this privately because I didn’t know where it would go, but oh well, it will be out there. It’s being vulnerable, Brene, ok?]

So how to get my power back?

I will apologize to my daughter for being a jerk.

I will get to work and keep booking appointments even though I don’ feel like it.

I will get ready for tonight and be vulnerable and real.

My handouts will be fine no matter what.

I can trust people even though sometimes they forget.

I will attract people who want to connect, communicate, and create. The 3 C’s. I’m looking for partners in creating dreams.

Anyone interested?

OK, I’m still feeling drained, but at least I can see why my default is sad and mad. I’m still freaking waiting like a confused victim.

I CAN create my life even feeling this way. I am NOT my feelings. OK, better get to work…………

Thanks for listening…………

More

Yesterday, I finally got mad and asked my daughter, “HOW the fuck could you forget to let me know that you weren’t coming? I don’t get it. How does that happen? Please tell me.”

She tried to tell me.

“I still don’t get it. You were on the way. I was waiting. How do you just not call?”

And again, it didn’t matter what she said.

The good part was I finally got mad. I finally spoke up.

I stopped being a silent victim.

That’s the growth. I CAN be mad, sad, disappointed. AND, the new part, I can let people know how I feel.

I don’t have to sit back, being the “good, understanding one.”

I CAN SPEAK UP!!!

Instead of being insulting, sarcastic, and never forgiving which I was just now.

OOPS!!

She’s supposed to come over later. I’m now afraid she’ll FUCKING FORGET like yesterday!!!

The worst part is that I need her help on some handouts that she worked on. I am dependent on her help and I HATE IT!!!! I can’t even fucking bold them since they were done on her computer. They are unreadable because they are on a pink background and the black is showing that well.

I hate being dependent on someone. My speaking gig is tonight. I would like these handouts DONE!!!!!! I’m nervous and want to be prepared.

Game plan: If she is not here by 1:15 I will do them myself. I will trust her, but have a back up plan.

How does that sound? Until then, I am going to do other things. Just put all this aside. I’ll see if that works!!!

Thanks for listening. (Can you tell I still want to scream? I better start BREATHING!!!!)

Opportunity for Growth and SHAME

“I’ll be there at 4:00,” my daughter texted. “I’m on my way.”

So I wait. And wait. And wait.

At 4:30 I texted her. Where are you?

Nothing.

I called.

“Oh, I’m at Bar Taco talking to the bartender.”

“What?”

“I came here to meet Jesse.”

“What? You texted me that you were coming here. You were on the way. WTF?”

I hung up. I sent some very nasty texts and emojis. Then I blocked her.

I stared at my phone. Very immature.

I unblocked her. After all, she’s my daughter.

She wanted to know if she should come here now.

Nope.

I’m too livid.

And, I know I’m being immature, unforgiving, and she probably just forgot.

It’s just that it’s my fucking incident. Forgotten, left behind, irrelevant, not important.

Fuck this. I’m just going to allow myself to be disappointed. I was looking forward to seeing her. She’s fucking leaving tomorrow.

She wants to know if I want to see her after she gets her computer. I really want to get her back and punish her. I know, I’m immature, spiteful and malicious. I’m evil and on it.

I’m just going to stay mad for a little while longer and not respond. I’m not over it yet.

dum dee dum dee dum dee dum………….

still mad

dum dee dum dee dum dee dum

still mad – and I know I’m supposed to be the parent, here, folks!!! I’m just being how I am………….more later………………………………………..I need to calm down

OK, more immaturity. My text: “I’ll say I’m coming to see you but I won’t really come. I’ll just have you wait all night wondering what happened to me. That’s a good plan.”

Can you believe what a jerk I am? It’s kind of fun. Let’s see what she says……….

She wants to know what I want to do. I guess I’m not growing. I’m still mad. I don’t want to go there and see her, my mom, and Mark.

Maybe growing is staying here and taking care of me. Not going when I don’t want to. Being how I am.

I don’t know.

I guess the problem is I think I shouldn’t be mad. That I should get over it. That when someone tells me they are coming and doesn’t, and doesn’t bother to let me know, that it’s ok. It’s my fault for being upset.

And, she probably forgot. Does that make it ok? Does that mean I should just forgive and move on?

I’m just not up for that right now. I need to just BE with my disappointment. I’m listening to the waves. I’m breathing. I’m allowing myself to BE.

OK – still haven’t responded. I figured out my problem in the shower. Here is the conversation I had with myself:

  • you’re being an idiot
  • she probably just forgot
  • get over it
  • be the adult
  • you’re being a jerk
  • and my favorite: YOU SHOULDN’T BE UPSET

But, like when I was two, I AM UPSET!!! She was on her fucking way, Jesse called, she went to him instead, and I’m left fucking waiting with no phone call that the plans changed.

Of course I’m upset. I can understand that she forgot, but that doesn’t alleviate my feelings. I’m allowed to have my feelings. They are legit. I don’t have to get over it until I’m over it.

I think that’s the growth. To ALLOW myself to have my feelings. I am NOT my feelings, but I can allow them.

I’ve also been thinking about the conversation with my ex-boyfriend. And, realizing that I got my hopes up again. And, that nothing will happen with him.

And that’s ok. It’s ok to dream. And to accept the facts. And to be disappointed. And to allow myself the fantasy.

And I can create a fantastic relationship with someone else. He’s not the only one on the planet. And, his good behavior doesn’t last that long. And I’ve seen his bad. It’s REALLY BAD. Mean, heartless, and cruel. So, the fantasy is truly that. I dodged a bullet, as my friend says.

A girl can dream.

And then move on.

Thanks for listening.

Note: I’m reading Daring Greatly, a book by Brene Brown who is a Shame Researcher.

Allowing myself to be ashamed creates vulnerability. That is the path to “Wholeheartedness” according to Brene. I ashamed of my behavior.

This blog is letting it all hang out. Should I really press PUBLISH?

Why not?

Not Knowing

I’ve been gaining weight. It’s a sign that I’m still numbing, even though I thought I was over doing that. Guess I’m not.

Yesterday I was up yet another pound. It just so happened that before 7:30 AM, I’d had a fight with my ex husband, and ran into my ex boyfriend.

At 7:40 AM, after I got weighed at Weight Watchers, I got in my car to get my coffee before the meeting started. I called my coach’s voicemail, thinking I’d be matter of fact. I started talking and started sobbing. I was crying so hard that I could barely breathe. The floodgates of my emotions had opened. I recorded and deleted 3 messages, never actually leaving him one.

I walked into the WW meeting with my sun glasses on. I looked and felt like a wreck. I didn’t speak for a while. Zach, our leader, kept looking at me since I was obviously upset and usually one of the talkers. I stayed quiet, not knowing what I could say.

He looked at me again.

“OK, I’ll talk,” I said, removing the sunglasses. “This morning, my ex told me that he borrowed more money from the bank. Unfortunately, he did it in an account that still has my name on it. We had used it as a pass-through account for the kids. I should have closed it, but I didn’t. I told him I wanted my name off the account. He got belligerent. He said horrible things about me and acted like he was a hero, and I was a terrible person.”

(Of course) I was crying again. “I didn’t even know I was upset for an hour. I worked out and thought everything was fine. Even though I wasn’t eating this morning, I can see how disconnected I was to my emotions. I’ve been wondering why I’ve been eating. Now I can see it’s because the food is the first place I go when I’m uncomfortable. I’m not even aware. Being around my ex is stressful. I try to be nice and not upset him, and I’m sacrificing myself in the process. I’m protecting him and hurting myself.”

My vulnerability opened the whole meeting up. People started sharing. It was good to finally start talking about it.

The rest of the day, I talked. I am confessed that I had had a conversation with my ex boyfriend. I had been vulnerable and told him how I felt and how hurt I was. I got some questions answered that had been plaguing me. He told me he thinks about me every day and how special our relationship had been. Unfortunately, his own life got in the way and he was sorry that he hurt me.

Having this conversation somehow made me see that I CAN trust myself. We did have something very special. It just wasn’t good timing. He wasn’t responding to anything I did. He was taking care of his own life and didn’t have space for our relationship anymore. I finally felt at peace.

I was a mess all day. Quiet and pensive. I let myself just BE that way for once in my life. I didn’t fight it. I was exhausted and went to sleep early.

Today I have my power back. I’m ready to be back in action. Even though yesterday was difficult, I needed to go through that to be stronger.

I can make decisions for me. I don’t have to worry or take care of others if that means sacrificing myself. That is a huge thing.

I am a Keltic Warrior!!!!!!! (That’s what one of the WW women had suggested.)

We are KELTIC WARRIOR WOMEN – maybe we have moved on from Helen Reddy?

Who knows?

Abundance

OK, I’m still here. No one. 2:19.

I can see I am going down the tunnel of “scarcity.”

My current thoughts: Since no one enrolled today, I won’t hit my bonus. I won’t be able to pay my bills. I won’t be able to do anything.

EVER AGAIN!

My new thoughts: Instead, I can participate in ABUNDANCE!!

There is plenty of people that want to buy AFLAC. They are just not here today.

There is plenty of money to go around. I can have whatever I can stand for having.

I can’t see how right now, but I don’t have to.

I am enjoying generating an extra $20,000 this year from unknown sources. My life is free, my expenses are paid off, I am taking amazing vacations, and enjoy living in abundance.

I love knowing I have enough money to do whatever I want to do. Life is fun!!!

(My brain is arguing, but I’m going to just include the noise).

I love being discovered for my inspiring writing and speaking.

I love knowing I am making a difference for thousands of women across the world.

I love knowing my body is slim, healthy and strong.

I love knowing my bills are paid, my retirement accounts are fully stocked and I have an abundance of cash for FUN LIVING!!!!

I love knowing people are paying lots of money for my books, speaking and poems.

My song has been put to music and is a big hit.

My relationship with my amazing man is enjoyable, secure, relaxing, passionate AND Fun.

OK, I think that’s enough.

I’m still waiting for the people to come. But, I’m no longer upset about it. I’m looking forward to getting a nice healthy meal and driving back home.

PS: Someone just came and bought a life insurance policy. Things are turning around. YAY!