What I’ve Seen About Pressure

The quote this week: “Are you putting pressure on yourself?” has really made me think.

The answer is an undeniable “YES.”

The pressure, I’ve seen, comes from undistinguished constructs in my mind. It’s not actually real.

I’ve identified a few of my own constructs this week in my blogs and videos. They were not readily obvious and took a little work to unconceal. Visit those for more details, especially if you are someone who often “feels bad” for people like I was. My whole life was feeling bad or sorry for people. Not fun.

Nice or Mean – Lots of Pressure addressed “feeling bad” and created a bunch of freedom. Click here to find out how to get free: https://creatinglifeouthere.com/2020/08/11/nice-or-mean-lots-of-pressure/

Releasing the Pressure – How I figured out how to RELEASE the pressure – click here to see the tips in action: https://creatinglifeouthere.com/2020/08/12/releasing-the-pressure/

And today’s insight:

I learned to be “under the radar” as a kid. My older sister would get in trouble so I learned how to not get noticed.

This summer I am living in my mom’s house for the summer. The same house I grew up in. I’ve noticed myself tiptoeing around, not wanting to wake anyone up, not do anything that would get negative attention, or piss anyone off. I’ve tried to remain undetected. And, I’ve felt a lot of pressure.

Why would I do that? Good question.

I remember as a kid, coming down our iron circular stairs after waking up. I used to cringe as my father would yell:

“Well, look who decided to wake up? Sleeping Beauty?”

I hated it. I felt like my father was making fun of me. I hated coming down those stairs. I tried to only come down when he wouldn’t see me.

Today I am creating a new interpretation. He was happy to see me and that’s how he showed it. What a wonderful way to look at that same incident.

In my construct there was a lot of pressure to stay unnoticed and not do anything that would call attention to me. There isn’t much freedom in that at all. Any time I’ve spent in the house I’ve been walking around scared and on eggshells.

I can reinterpret my whole childhood right now. Being seen makes people happy. It brings joy.

Just today, I woke up my mom before I left for my office. She was sleeping but likes me to say goodbye. I gave her a kiss.

“Thanks for the kiss,” she said, looking very happy.

“You’re welcome. Here’s another one.” And I gave her another kiss. She smiled like a little girl.

I loved making her happy. From now on, rather than hide, I’m going to try to give her MORE attention and kisses and hugs. What a new way to live!! And a way to make both of us happy.

It warms my heart, causes no pressure and creates Naches (Yiddish word – I might be using it wrong but I like it anyway).

Thanks for listening and have a great day.

Miserality – A New Word

I am attempting to just BE how I am.

And the word to describe it is Miserality. It’s not just miserable, it’s just an overall sense of “this should not be, I shouldn’t be this way, and only someone who is just WRONG would be feeling this way.”

And how is this way, you ask?

Good question.

  1. I have a procedure in 1.5 hours. I am scared. I am going to have to drink 32 oz of water and not pee while they put something up right in the place where all that pressure will be. I am not excited about it and I am pretty terrified about what they will find. Instead of trying to have positive fucking thinking, I am trying to just allow my fear. It’s really not working. Maybe I just need a good cry. I will work on that when I’m finished writing.
  2. Today I was doing yoga of all things and all of a sudden my back was fucked up. It is literally in agony. I am not going to take motrin because the last time I did I got a serious outpouring of blood from my nose and it wouldn’t stop. I am voting for pain instead of a serious nose bleed, but I don’t really LIKE IT.
  3. I’m supposed to be making calls for work. I am too distracted and I can’t freaking remember any of the last correspondences I had with my clients. I’m kind of embarrassed to contact them again and admit it. Resistance makes the heart grow fonder? Oh know, that’s absence. Well, I certainly have that since I’m not reaching out.
  4. I just changed my bra thinking that it may lessen the strain on my back. The other one was a criss cross one so it was PULLING on my neck. This one is one of those not very supportive ones with weird cups in it. The cups are not in the right place so not only are the boobs too low, but they look very odd. At this point I don’t really care.

Well, I think that’s actually it. I am sitting in my office looking out the window at the traffic. I don’t know if they can see me in here so if I adjust my bra cups, I wonder if they will notice. It would actually be fun if someone beeped. It might make my day.

Well, that’s it for now. I guess I can see it’s only a few things instead of all of life in general that just feels “like poop on a stick” as my kids used to say. And that’s how I feel right now.

I’m going to allow it, not resist it, and start drinking my water soon.

Thanks for listening and wish me luck.

PS I just took the cups out. Better to just be saggy then saggy and deformed looking, I think.

PPS No one honked. Bummer.

Releasing the Pressure

Yesterday was my first day back after Tornado Tuesday’s week long power outage in Connecticut.

My plan was to get in touch with all my agents and schedule meetings with at least 4 clients.

Ready to go, I sat at my desk to log onto my work website. I couldn’t get in. The saved password had disappeared. Damn. I didn’t know what it was. It took a while to figure it out.

That would have been fine, but all of my passwords had disappeared from my computer and phone. I couldn’t get into my email, wordpress, or any of the other web sites that I use.

It took hours to figure all of them out.

My mind started going. “I’m not getting anything done. This is a waste of time. Why is this happening? and on and on and on……..I should be calling clients. Something is really wrong here…….How am I ever going to make money if I have to waste time like this?……………”

The pressure started building in my body and head.

What better opportunity to put the quote “Are YOU putting pressure on YOURSELF?” to use.

Here are my tips and what I did to relieve the pressure in action:

  • Identify when you are feeling pressure: NOW
  • Look at the body sensations you are feeling: Tightness in chest, fast heart beat, difficulty breathing
  • Experience the sensations – I allowed the tightness in my chest, and took 3 deep breaths which slowed down my racing heart
  • What was I telling myself: “I’m never going to get this done, something is wrong, I should be doing other things, why did this happen? Why am I wasting my time on passwords? This is ridiculous. I’m an idiot for thinking I would be productive today
  • Ask if it is true: No, I had to reset the passwords in order to get into my emails, my systems, and to find my client information. There was nothing else I could do. This was necessary.
  • Create something new to say/think: I am doing what I need to do. This is part of working. I AM WORKING. AND, this is the way it looks today. Something must have happened during the power outage or when I upgraded my phone and computer. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Successful people invest time so they can save time later. That’s what I am doing.

And with that, I calmed down. I started focusing on the task at hand. I got more effective and efficient at what I was doing and finished the job. I organized my office for the first time in a long time, and started a training course that I had been putting off.

I was productive, even though it didn’t look like the way I thought it would when I got to my office in the morning. I am in touch with my accomplishments instead of feeling physically pressured, stupid and not present.

I hope this is valuable for you. These tips will also be posted on instagram to support the quote of the week: “Are you putting pressure on yourself?”

I hope you relieve some pressure. I certainly did.

Thanks for listening.

Nice or Mean? Lots of Pressure

I guess in my mind there are only two choices: being nice or being mean. There really wasn’t anything in between.

And if I was nice, I was usually sacrificing what I really wanted.

Example 1: If my son wanted to go out to dinner, even though I didn’t want to eat that late or spend the money, I felt like I was in an awkward situation. If I said yes, I was resentful and if I said no, I felt like a boring, stick in the mud, bad mother. Either way was a no win.

Example 2: One day, my mother was confused and wondered why her caregiver was returning after a week off. “Why does she need to come? Do you really think I need someone to be with me all the time?” I am still haunted by the look on her face. I couldn’t answer without crying. “How could I do this to her?” I asked myself. Either way I “felt bad.” Either I lied or I told her something horrible.

Example 3: My ex was stopping by my mother’s house uninvited. It was awkward to either let him in the house or tell him he couldn’t come in and had to leave. I either resented him for being there or “felt bad and mean” for saying no.

The quote of the week is “Are YOU putting pressure on YOURSELF?” Somehow, I was living in a paradigm where there were no good alternatives. I was constantly “feeling bad” as I have mentioned in the examples above and feeling intense amounts of pressure.

Today I was talking to my wise mentor. “I feel like I either have to be nice and sacrifice myself or mean and feel terrible,” I said.

“That’s a very young conversation,” she said.

“Well, it seems either/or,” I said. “And I end up feeling resentful or bad.”

“You can be compassionate without feeling bad,” she said gently.

“Hmmm………..What’s the difference?” I asked.

“Compassion is having empathy for the person. Being in their world. It has nothing to do with you.”

“So when I feel bad I am making it something about me? Like I should be able to help them or do something or it’s my fault they are in this situation?”

“Yes. All of these scenarios don’t have anything to do with you. They are living their life. You didn’t do this to them or cause this.”

“Wow. That’s amazing. I always think everything is my fault somehow. I think that’s why I feel bad all the time.”

“Yes, and it’s not. You can be kind and direct. You can be kind and firm. You can be nice and straight.”

“Wow, that’s a new world for me. Thank you.”

Let’s redo the examples above with compassion and directness:

Example 1: “I’m not going to go with you. Thank you for the invite.”

Example 2: “Yes, mom. I do think you will be safer with someone with you.”

Example 3: “Please wait for an invitation before you come by. Thank you.”

Wow. There is no suffering in those second set of responses. I am being firm. There is no longer any reason to “feel bad.” I am a great mother whether I go out to dinner with my son or not. I am a great daughter even though I am sad. And, I can have the life I want, regardless of what someone else is asking of me. It’s ok to say no.

This is a game changer for me. I am looking forward to having my life work better now. It’s not a choice between nice or mean. It’s being kind and direct. That’s a win/win.

And a whole lot less pressure.

Thanks for listening. Have a great day!!

I Got This!! OR Do I?

Tornado Tuesday – Wow!!! Still no power!

This video says it all. I am without internet so uploading here at the gym and they close in 5 minutes.

I tried to be tough, but……….

Freedom occurred in this video. I won’t explain it again. It is also in my newsletter which goes out tomorrow. If you haven’t subscribed, please do.

Have a great rest of Sunday.

Thanks for listening.

Do I Want to Be Right?

Great question!

One of my techniques for creating freedom is not resisting my experience. Last night I woke up at 3:00 AM. My mother had unplugged a part of the alarm system my nephew had installed. I had no idea if it would summon the police or fire. Thankfully, my sister had also woken up, and knew what to do.

Crisis avoided, I got back into bed, heart pounding. It was a familiar feeling of something’s wrong and there’s danger.

I decided to not resist it. My mind kept returning to something that had happened earlier in the day. I had helped someone out and had expected to get accolades, acknowledgements, and praise. Instead I got nothing. I was surprised and I could see I got a little stuck after this.

My brain was telling me “you do stupid things and everyone is going to leave you.”

I recognized this as a familiar rant of my mind. Rather than resist and try to talk myself out of it, I decided to dial it up. I repeated “YOU DO STUPID THINGS AND EVERYONE IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU!” over and over loudly inside my head.

This is my automatic programming from a 2 year old incident. I didn’t get to go to a concert and was left in the driveway. (The truth, I think, was that there was never a ticket for me and I was never going. I just assumed I was.) I was disappointed and made up a story that I had done something stupid and that’s why they left me.

Yesterday I was disappointed too, I could see. I expected a different reaction from this person and didn’t get it. All of a sudden, the fear kicked in. “You can’t be your REAL self. You have to be good. Keep your mouth shut. And definitely don’t expect anything. You’ll just be disappointed. They will leave you again.”

All that was going through my mind. The difference was that this time, I just got to watch it like a ticker tape instead of thinking it was the truth.

I DON’T want to be right about that I want to be able to be my REAL SELF and be free. I chose not to listen and not to be right.

And today I am fine and fully self-expressed.

Do YOU want to be right? I challenge you to take a look.

Thanks for listening.

Are they stupid or just different?

In working with the quote this week – Are you waiting for someone else to change so you can be happy? – I have noticed a bunch of stuff.

I don’t necessarily think other people should change, but I DO THINK think they are stupid.

Usually because their way is different than MY WAY. It’s been very interesting to see.

Very interesting to see all these new things

For example, a friend of mine was saying he didn’t deserve certain things and I thought that was terrible. How could a person think that way?

But then, when he was stuck in traffic on his way home after coming to see me, I felt bad. A lightbulb went off – I didn’t think I deserved someone having to be in traffic just for coming to see me. Like I wasn’t worth it!!! Like I didn’t deserve someone to be inconvenienced. Wow!!! Who knew?

I guess we all think we deserve some things but not others. Very interesting.

Also, I saw that when people spend money on things that I wouldn’t spend it on, I judge them. And, they probably judge me if I spend differently than them. Also very interesting.

But here’s my question:

Why should I think they are stupid just because they have their own set of values? Why is “stupid” so automatic?

I think growing up we were taught that “right” was a certain way.

  • Don’t waste money
  • Don’t use credit cards
  • Save your money
  • Don’t be extravagant
  • Don’t waste time
  • Don’t drive the speed limit – it’s for idiots
  • Don’t hang around with losers or you’ll end up like one
  • Guys don’t make passes at girls with fat asses
  • Don’t be fat
  • It’s ok to stand up a girlfriend if you get asked out by a guy

I naturally assumed these were “world rules” that everyone followed and if you didn’t you were STUPID.

Until something happened:

I stood up a girlfriend for a guy which, according to my mother was a universal rule for women, and my friend GOT MAD. I was confused and explained my mother’s rule. My friend was horrified. She thought my behavior was RUDE and INCONSIDERATE. OOPSIE!

That’s when I learned that not everyone shared my set of rules. Everyone has their own set.

As a people pleaser, since then I have spent a lot of time trying to learn other people’s rules so I can keep them happy. It’s a lot of work, a thankless job, and not easy to do.

Since I am now 61, I am thinking that I can stop working so hard trying to please everyone else. I could enjoy my life instead and just be interested in what makes other people tick. I can be fascinated in how different we all are. Instead of the good/bad, stupid/smart, right/wrong paradigm that I’ve been living in . It might make for a more enjoyable and inclusive way to live.

What do YOU think?

If you haven’t subscribed to my new newsletter, please let me know and we will get you on. The weekly theme is really fun and thought provoking.

Thanks for listening.

Annoyed about Being Annoyed

I had to stop resisting my annoyance with my mom. I felt like a terrible person, daughter and human.

This video talks about how I got free from that. (Also, see tips below)

Seriously?

I use this week’s quote: “Are you waiting for someone else to change so you can be happy?”

I’ve heard the little voice in my head many times:

“If he/she didn’t say stuff like that I could be happy,”

Any time I take something the wrong way, it affects my mood/happiness. Instead of wishing people were different, I am now looking at how I can react instead. Here are my tips for when you are waiting for someone to change so you can be happy:

  • Notice if you are upset with someone else’s behavior/comments
  • Notice if you are wishing they would change
  • If so, consider the fact that they will probably never change
  • Given that, you have some choices to make
    • accept them as they are
    • or alter your reaction
    • or accept your reaction
  • Example from the video:
  • I get annoyed when my mother asks a lot of questions, especially when I’ve already told her the answers or that I don’t know them
  • I don’t think I should be annoyed so I try to be pretend nice which just makes me feel like I want to explode or run away
  • I wish she would change so I could be happy
  • I realize she’s NEVER going to change or be different
  • I accept her and accept that it annoys me
  • Once I allow my annoyance, magically I feel free.
  • I can answer her questions, joke around and have a good time with my mother instead of feeling of wanting to avoid her and spend as little time with her as possible   

It’s quite remarkable since for a Long Long time I really didn’t enjoy being around my mom for this reason. I felt terrible knowing that I was being so nasty, not appreciating her, not being grateful that she is still here, wondering what’s wrong with me since some people have lost their mothers, etc.

All that just made me feel worse for feeling that way.

Allowing my annoyance and finally not resisting it gave me freedom.

I hope this makes sense. It’s a little tricky, but it works.

Thanks for listening and have a great day.

Are You Waiting For Someone Else to Change?

The quote of this week is so exciting. Guess why? It’s mine.

In my video I talk about where it came from. You’ll never guess……. from when I was married. I was literally waiting for my husband to change so I could be happy.

Yes I was waiting for him to change so I could be happy – not a fun life!!

Once I realized this I was on the road to happiness.

“Why should he have to change? Why should anyone have to change? They should be able to be exactly the way they are.”

“And so should I. I wouldn’t want to have to change for someone else to be happy. I want to be able to be exactly as I am too.”

And here’s the great thing. Once I realize that I was no longer waiting for him to change.

AND, …….THE BIG ONE HERE, FOLKS……..He didn’t have to change, AND, I didn’t have to stay in a marriage that was not working for me. Given the way he was, I was choosing to save my soul.

  • I didn’t like the way he did money
  • I didn’t like the way he treated me
  • I didn’t like being disrespected
  • I didn’t like not being heard
  • I didn’t like being blamed for “always being upset” and never being able to have a conversation about what was really going on
  • I didn’t like being told promises that weren’t kept and then told he “never said them” so I literally felt like I was the crazy one. I know I heard it, I know he said, why is he saying he didn’t?

I literally felt like I was going insane. I needed to get out to save myself.

I grabbed back my power, stopped being dependent on his behavior for my happines, and started designing my life to work for me.

And I have. I now have a life I really love. It is awesome.

And YOU CAN TOO!!!!

Thanks for listening.

PS I am launching a new newsletter. First one to send tomorrow. It discusses my newly defined “Getting Real: a collection of tools and techniques to help people get unstuck and create freedom in their lives.”

PPS. I’m really excited to be working with a new social media strategist. 6th one’s a charm. YAY!!

PPSS If you have subscribed to this blog, you should receive a copy. And, you are free to unsubscribe if would like. (But I hope you won’t).

Wishing I Was WAY BETTER!

To keep the quote going, I was feeling like “poop on a stick,” as my kids used to say, instead of how I “wished I was” when I recorded this video. I worked through being stuck in order to get to freedom.

Getting Unstuck

I’ve also been seeing how immature I am when someone makes a comment I don’t like.

  • I talk badly about them
  • I think “fuck you”
  • I think of ways to get them back
  • I talk about how I was wronged and how BAD the person is that said it

I’ve been thinking I shouldn’t be that way.

But, what if I just accept myself as is. I could play with it instead of thinking I’m just BAD.

Life would be alot more fun. I can accept my evil side and just roll with it.

Also, in the video, is exploring something new. It involves not only “saying what can’t be said,” but also “hearing what can’t be heard.” I’m not sure I am mature enough for that one right now. But I will think about it.

Food for thought as always.

Thanks for listening and have a great day.