Very freeing.

I somehow got the Oprah podcast with Joel Osteen to play for a second time. Usually I can only hear them once, so I felt that I was MEANT to hear it again.

I talk about it in the video so I won’t repeat it.

Making progress….letting go of being limited by what others do or say. Which does not make sense, but what can I say? It was my life. And it was definitely constraining.

Breathe…..Breathe……Breathe……Freedom and peace…..

I AM all the good stuff and watching my resistance to it. It’s very interesting…

Have a great night. More on Sunday.

Thanks for listening.

Today I finally took care of my health insurance. I have been avoiding the health insurance company’s emails that something was wrong and I could lose my health insurance. Today I dealt with it in an effective and patient manner. It took a while, but there was no frustration, annoyance or negativity. That’s a miracle.

I also scheduled my blood work and bone density exams. Check those off the list of things I kept forgetting to do.

Yesterday I mailed my holiday cards. Only to people who sent me one. Sorry about that. I just return cards. I’m on the defense instead of the offense.

I saw an email today from Tim Ferriss. He was talking about one-ply toilet paper. It was hysterical. Let me see if I can find it……

OK, Here is what was in the email from Tim today:

——————————————————————————–

New blog post: “Where Are You Still Using Single-Ply?“

I recently had an epiphany.

It wasn’t in the shower. It wasn’t while meditating under a tree. It was while sitting in the bathroom.

As I held the toilet paper in my hand, I realized that it was single-ply. Clearly, I had long ago decided to save money by cutting this corner. “We are not in a position to indulge in such excesses!” I imagine I might have thought, shifting my shopping gaze from comfy double-ply Charmin to a war-ration house brand of single-ply.

Of course, here’s the problem: single-ply is a fool’s bargain. It’s a translucent sham. If you don’t want to shove your fingers directly into the pit of despair, you need to fold it over itself again and again, defeating any cost savings. And even if you did save $5 per month, isn’t the extra $5 worth trading 30 days of butt-sanding for 30 days of butt-caressing?

To make any headway with this, I first had to look backward…

———————————————————————————–

I didn’t click on the link to read the rest so I can’t tell you what else he said

I just liked that he was TMI, too. So I don’t feel alone anymore. Plus, it made me laugh.

OK, the rest is in the video.

Enjoy it!! It’s a long one. I Gotta go write my poem!

Thanks for listening

Good question.

I’ve been wondering about it all day since driving my daughter to the airport this morning.

“It just bothers me that you don’t see yourself the way I do,” she said. “You see yourself so negatively,” she finished.

Yes I do, I thought. That’s just what I do.

“It’s so limiting. You are manifesting the negative,” she said.

I got defensive. I told her why…………etc.

And I’ve been thinking about it. Why wouldn’t I want to manifest a great guy? Why do I say I just don’t see anyone I want to date? Why would I sentence myself to that? Why be resigned? Why be right about how no one will want me? Or that the ones that do are not who I want? WHY!????

These are all great questions. AND, you’ll just have to watch the video to find out. I don’t want to keep repeating myself. And, I don’t have anything new to report.

I am going to go finish my puzzle and watch a little Hallmark.

It’s New Year’s Day!!! Pretty soon work starts again!!!!

Happy New Year’s!

OMG! This morning I was my usual negative mess.

Of course, my brain was telling me I was too f—-d up to even talk to anyone.

I guess it’s like listening to someone who only wants me to fail. I had a friend in junior high who told me she liked my hair long after I had cut it short.

Later, she admitted, that she had liked it short, but she just didn’t want me to look good.

Nice, isn’t it? I was surprised she admitted being so NASTY!

It’s just like our brains.

I listen to mine like it’s a good friend. I forget that it is SO NEGATIVE AND LIMITING.

Yesterday, I finally started reaching out to people and just being REAL. I sent an email out to two people – I was completely pathetic and making myself wrong. I was not going to do a course I had signed up for and just wanted to let them know. I was completely honest about how I was feeling. I was embarrassed after but at least I had started talking about it.

I could see that by taking myself out of the course, I was punishing myself for not being successful this December. I had had a plan to sell a certain amount and I did not hit it.

Withdrawing was a fitting punishment for a failure/loser which I felt that I was.

Today I had at least 3 conversations about it.

Luckily, I was able to get out of my negative thoughts by hearing what other people’s realities are about me – and replace my negative version.

They want me in the course. I contribute to the conversation. They refused to interact with my limiting conversation about me. That was a real gift that I needed today.

————————————————————————–

An aside: I’m also getting feedback about my book. People feel like they are reading “my diary.”

Well, they sort of are – except that it took me 7 YEARS to rewrite that diary into a BOOK!

——————————————————————————————————-

Back to my prior thoughts: It took speaking up when I was afraid/didn’t want to. My brain told me no one cares and I am too much of a negative/always upset person to have someone want to listen to me.

Well, that was not the case. People love me, acknowledged me, and spoke to my greater self – not my internal self.

I am moved by their response. I think I probably could have eliminated this negative trend about three weeks ago if I had recognized it earlier.

Oh well, live and learn. It was great to talk to people who can get it and know how to respond in an empowering way.

I love them. I am blessed.

Have a great night. No video today. I’m not in a private place so it’s difficult.

Also, I reached out to the public library and Barnes and Noble today. I told them I am a “local author.” Maybe I can do an event.

Cool, right? Who knows?

Have a great night.

I love recording my videos and writing my blogs.

I guess because I get to share.

I don’t even know if anyone is listening. For whatever reason, when I’m recording, I’m not worried about that.

The good thing is no one can interrupt or give me their unwanted and sometimes damaging advice. So it’s fun.

What else do I love to do?

• jigsaw puzzles – it’s relaxing and distracts me from worrying
• reading – same as long as it’s a good story – I don’t like long descriptive paragraphs with no dialogue or action – I skim through those parts
• looking at the water – it’s relaxing and peaceful
• dancing to music with a good beat and I know the words (rare to know them all, but at least I usually know the chorus) – I suppose I’d be dancing with others – that’s really fun – dancing alone probably is NOT so much fun
• working out – I feel productive, get my energy and body moving – and I love when I’m done even more
• reading by a pool or on a deck in the sun – relaxing
• eating food I enjoy – this is a tough one not to have wrongness about – but I did it yesterday and it was very nice
• listening to people share themselves
• creating life with people – usually after the one above
• acknowledging people so they get what’s great about them
• sharing and saying what’s scary – I love creating intimacy, closeness and realness

Why am I writing these?

• Because it reminds me to enjoy my life
• After the last few weeks of self-imposed stress, I am happy to be experiencing freedom and peace again
• There is no where for me to get to
• I don’t need a relationship to be validated or to matter
• Worrying about the future – money, weight, dementia, getting hurt or sick, the weather, whether I’ll sleep or not – just doesn’t help or create peace – and I was doing a lot of that lately
• Trying to get it right leads to no where good
• Thinking I HAVE TO do something – lose weight, make more money – just causes stress and literally causes weight gain and lack of money – IT DOESN’T WORK!!!
• I’m thinking that I could enjoy my job if I bring in what I love to do. I could listen to clients, let them share, acknowledge them, etc. It would be fun and I could reduce my dread of going back after the New Year’s.

OK – thanks all about that.

I just added cards and a poll to this video. How fun. A new toy. I’ll add that to my list of likes. I love to discover new things and explore. Let me know if these polls work!!

OK, I’m going to go relax. My new thing. It’s Sunday. Why not?

Have a great rest of the weekend.

Thanks for listening.

–

What road did I want to be on? (Continued from prior blog post)

Last night I started reading the 1-Page Marketing Plan. I was disturbed by it. I couldn’t answer the questions:

• why should they buy?
• why should they buy from me?

Who was my target market? I didn’t know. I put down the book.

I started working on my puzzle and turned on the Hallmark Channel. My favorite way to spend a night alone.

I chilled out all night – loved the happy endings. DJ from Full House starred in the second one which was a little like the Grinch. An angel lady takes her back in time so she can learn her lesson to pursue her talents and let love in. It was awesome.

[The fact that her “prince” was a fireman was a little annoying, but whatever. I can let it go, right? I’m complete about my fireman, aren’t I? OF COURSE I AM! It’s just that living in a fantasy world is sometimes so NICE……………]

OK, I’ve I digressed – two Hallmark movies later, I accepted the fact that I don’t know what I am selling/marketing. I don’t even know why I need a freaking web site in the first place. No F—-G CLUE! HELP!!! HELP!! I asked the universe to guide me. What the hell am I trying to do.

AND, I woke up as negative as ever – WTF?

I went to the gym. On the way, Tim Ferriss was talking about how he discovered the way to sell – by story-telling.

That’s it, I thought. I can tell my story. I can use my “struggle” with negativity to inspire others.

I know this story. I wake up with it. And despite all my attempts to get rid of it, it’s not going away. I can’t make it stop. But I can still create my life anyway.

My exploration is this: Creating Life Out Here – and the access is SHARING and Saying what I’m afraid to say.

I got afraid to get into dialogue about this. Because I’ve been listening to my brain.

“Something’s wrong with me. I’m so negative. I shouldn’t have to talk about it…..etc. Who wants to hear this?” So I shut up and shut down.

I knew it was just my brain. It just seemed SO REAL.

BREAKTHROUGH:

I actually love to share what I’m going through. It’s what creates FREEDOM for me. It’s my way out.

When I don’t share, I am stuck. Energy-less. Power-less. Hope-less. I’m just in my head, listening to my negative thoughts. And it sucks.

I had asked the universe to help me. I had asked for a sign.

Earlier this week I had found “A Return to Love,” by Marianne Williamson in my mother’s basement. We were cleaning it out. I had grabbed it and left it on my table at my cottage.

This morning I picked it up and put it in my bag. At the gym I started reading it. It was the sign I was looking for.

This is part paraphrase, part quote from her book.

She had been struggling with what to do with her life. Bad relationships, drugs, food, distractions, and lots of self-loathing.

Her brother had told her everyone thought she was weird. “It’s like you have some kind of virus.”

Marianne says: “I felt like an alien. I had often felt at though life was a private club and everybody had received the password except me. I felt other people knew a secret that I didn’t know, but I didn’t want to ask them about it because I didn’t want them to know I didn’t know. I believed other people were dying inside too just like me, but they couldn’t or wouldn’t talk about it.”

She found the Course in Miracles. The basic message: relax.

She finally started feeling happy. She had energy. The Course is written as a guide to the miraculous application of love as a balm on every wound. Whatever the area of psychic pain that people have, love is the cure, the Answer.

END PARAPHRASE/QUOTE

Marianne began speaking about the course in Miracles. I heard her back in the 1990’s. That’s how old this book is. I had totally forgotten about it.

It’s quite amazing. Corny as it sounds, I feel like the universe responded.

My energy is back.

All I have to do is share my journey. Not force anything to happen. Literally go with the flow. I’ve returned to Freedom and Peace.

I thank my children, Marianne and Tim Ferriss for their timely wisdom.

I can breathe again.

Thank you, as always, for listening and for contributing to my life.

Have a wonderful day.

I’ve been desperately doing, doing, doing, trying to get IT RIGHT. Trying to get somewhere FAST!

The problem was that I didn’t take the time to stop and think about where I was going. I was paying money for the ANSWER. So I could get SOMEWHERE!!!! I was paying to jump on their yellow brick road. (We just watched the Wizard of Oz). And RUN down it. As fast as I could…..The adrenalin was rushing…………….

“Let’s go!! I’m doing the work! I’m in action. YAY! FINALLY! I’m going somewhere……”

I was thrilled. Really excited. Willing to spend the money.

Two weeks into it I wondered why I was feeling so crazy?

I was trying to design my web site. But I wasn’t getting anywhere. It looked terrible. Why was I doing this? It’s not my thing. I suck at design. I suck at making things look nice. What had I signed up for?

Was I excited or was I stressed?

I was definitely spending way more more money than I had originally signed up for: things like hosting sites, web themes, contact managers, and logos were costing additional hundreds of dollars. And there would be more – I was going to have to pay people to design stuff for me. It wasn’t going to be ending anytime soon.

What was going on? What was I doing? I was doing all this so people would pay me to coach them. I didn’t even WANT to be a coach? I was paying money to sell something that I didn’t want to sell. How had this happened?

Last Monday I had a call with the company I was going to pay additional money to – to buy something called an auto responder. It was going to collect emails so I could market myself.

I explained what I was trying to do.

“It doesn’t sound like this is working for you,” the wonderful sales girl said.

“I think you’re right,” I said, feeling a little validated.

“This isn’t what you were trying to do, is it?” the girl said.

She promised that her company could do this cheaper and way more easier. So that I could have joy in my life instead of stress.

It sounded great. I felt like I had found a friend. She understood me. (I’ve called myself the salesman’s dream. Here I was again, believing what she said).

So I cancelled the first company. I cancelled the hosting site and design sites. I tried to recoup some of my losses.

And I signed up with the second company. I was excited to experience joy and be in “the flow” as we had discussed.

But then I tried to start working with them. I called the company. I couldn’t find the department that was to help me with this web site. I kept calling and calling.

I talked to about 10 people. They kept transferring me to someone else.

And they all said, “that’s NOT my department. I’m sorry you are confused. We don’t develop web sites. If that’s what you want, you can pay MORE MONEY to get the web site developed. I could pay by the hour for this additional service.

I was SO exasperated. And Frustrated. I felt like I was literally losing my mind. The stress in my head felt like it was going to explode.

Why was I paying money to feel like I was going crazy? I can do that for free. I’m very good at it.

After about 4 days of feeling tortured, I cancelled the second company. I told them I didn’t need to pay to be exasperated.

At least THEY were willing to refund my money.

The first company is going to charge me additional money for cancelling. While I wish that wasn’t what they decided to do, I’m letting go of any ill will and instead using it, instead, to validate my decision to no longer work with them.

Friday I felt like a fool. A broke fool. An idiot. A confused idiot. Lost. (I’m still trying to actually receive the refunds for all my cancellations).

“Don’t be so stressed. Let the universe guide you,” my son said. I wanted to punch him until I realized he was right.

I was paying money to run down a road not knowing why. Not knowing where I even wanted to go. And trying to RUN FAST. Just thinking about it stresses me out.

I decided to take a step backward. Chalk up my losses to experience.

What road did I even want to be on?

[GO TO NEXT BLOG. This one is getting too long. TO BE CONTINUED…………]

Good night.

OK, trusting the universe is not my thing.

I’m a get it done, make it happen, push things through kind of person.

I had hired a couple of different companies because I wanted to monetize what I am doing so I can eventually retire from my sales job. At 60, the thought of going door to door for another 5 years, exhausts me. In reality it can be fun, but the THOUGHT of it makes me tired.

I am looking for ways to make money AND have fun doing it. I had thought I had the right path to MAKE THIS HAPPEN FAST!!!!

Apparently NOT!

After a couple of freaked out weeks trying to work with these people, I decided this was not what I was looking for. I was DEFINITELY NOT “in the flow.” I was frustrated, exasperated, stressed, annoyed, and STILL did not know what I was doing even though I was paying people a lot of money. I can be exasperated for free thank you very much!!

It’s disappointing.

I finally remembered, though, that the whole point of doing something new is to be able experience more freedom and peace.

I’ve had the obvious for the past 3 weeks – stress, freak out and nights spent worrying if I was making a mistake – instead of sleeping.

Tonight I have peace back. Hallelujah. I can breathe again.

So, while I should be in bed since I have to get up at 4:45 AM tomorrow, I decided to get back in communication with ya’all. I have passed through the walls of resignation, discomfort, not knowing, and needing to be validated.

Watch the video if that makes no sense.

Enjoy!!!

Plus I’ve gotten feedback on my book. They like the writing. It flows!!! See, there’s that validation I love. Well, why not? I’m out of my little comfortable house so hearing positive feedback feels great. (Again, watch the video).

Gotta go to bed so I can wake up again tomorrow!! (God Willing)

Have a great night. Glad to be back in communication.

I am feeling terribly guilty about my mom.

She can’t help what she is doing.

I get frustrated.

I don’t like to keep arguing about the same things:

• she is just trying to be helpful
• I don’t want to sleep there – all the beds are taken
• I guess I could sleep on the other couch (that’s where the dog was and I hate smelling dog (Sorry to all you dog lovers)
• I know she’s just trying to be helpful – she’s hanging on to what she knows how to do:
  • feed us
  • keep track of our whereabouts
  • worry about us getting places safely
  • where are we going
  • when are we waking up
  • These are all things that she likes to ask about.
• As a 60 year old woman, I resent the incessant questioning
• WHY?
• It’s annoying
• It’s unnecessary
• She doesn’t remember the answers anyway
• I have other things to do besides answer the same FUCKING questions over and over again – I know, I sound like a monster, but this is the real internal anger coming out which is good
• OK, I’m going to let it rip
  • Who cares?
  • Why do I need to fucking tell you?
  • You won’t remember anyway, so why should I answer the same question for the 1000th time?
• OK, even though I feel evil, this is helping. This is saying what I definitely don’t think I should say. And I feel better.
• Pretending it doesn’t bother me doesn’t work
• Trying to be nice and then losing my shit and screaming at the top of my lungs is not a good strategy
• So what do I do now?

I don’t know. I really don’t.

I can answer once even if the question doesn’t matter.

I can ask her what I said before if she asks me again.

I can tell her how helpful she is being.

I can tell her I love her.

I can be sad when I’m sad.

I can think it shouldn’t be this way when I need to.

I can breathe, pray, meditate, and forgive myself for not being the person I think I should be:

• always calm
• always kind
• always patient
• always generous
• always happy and loving

AND I’M NOT THAT!!!

Sometimes, but not right now.

• I feel frustrated, anxious and annoyed

How’s that for honest?

• This is fun though. IT’S REAL!!!

OK, folks, that’s all I can take.

Have a wonderful evening.

I will do the best I can. I DO feel better just having been able to be honest with ya’all. (Yes, I’m from the south today).

Have fun!!!!

–

In today’s video, I was attempting to create freedom for myself.

AN ASIDE: I am finding it difficult to communicate with my mom without arguing. (She called while I was making the video and I called her back since then. It didn’t go well. I don’t know what the problem is. Everything becomes a fight. I find myself wanting to call her back and apologize, but I’m afraid that will make it worse. We will see.)

Anyway, back to the video: Am I arguing to stay alone? Am I arguing for that there’s something wrong with me?

My brain is always criticizing:

• you’re too fat (it doesn’t need to say this one anymore, it’s just true in my mind)
• you’re too old (can’t you see these wrinkles?)
• you’re too sensitive (I always seem to be crying or upset)
• you’re not neat enough
• your car is a mess
• etc

And my brain seems to be winning. I am so used to it that I forget it’s not true.

My daughter told me I looked good the other day in my exercise clothes.

WHAT?

That is not in my reality.

People say they love me.

I can argue with that one too. Just wait. Eventually they will make a comment that I take personally or the wrong way. I will decide they are trying to fix me and don’t think I should be the way I am. Boom. They are gone.

IT SEEMS REAL TO ME. I GO DOWN THE TUBES AND DON’T EVEN KNOW IT, GETTING RID OF PEOPLE LEFT AND RIGHT.

And then there was the girl that said, “OR NOT!”

That was an immediate fuck you and I haven’t talked to her since.

Am I arguing for being right about how I shouldn’t be the way I am?

Am I arguing for that no one can REALLY LOVE ME AS IS?

I didn’t think I was. Until this morning.

The untethered soul tells us that we do fight to stay in our box. We will argue for it.

Why?

So we can stay right? So we can stay in our small little worlds?

I guess it’s just being human. That’s what we do.

So what can I do?

All I have to say is don’t try to fix me.

I am willing to have a conversation, but not if you are trying to fix me.

Then you go in the ass hole pile. Sorry!! (You have to watch the video to get that).

I can have a conversation if I upgrade some of this. I don’t have to run or throw everyone out.

This would be a big upgrade. I could say:

“I’m hearing it this way. Is that what you mean?”

OR

“Can you use another word? That one is triggering me.”

OK, this is progress. Small but something.

I’m exhausted from this. Gotta start doing something else.

But it’s valuable. I’m not committed to being right about this. OR that I can’t be loved and therefore will always be alone. Why would I want to be?

This is good to distinguish. Again, it’s progress for me.

Thanks for listening. Have a great day!!!