I am feeling terribly guilty about my mom.
She can’t help what she is doing.
I get frustrated.
I don’t like to keep arguing about the same things:
- she is just trying to be helpful
- I don’t want to sleep there – all the beds are taken
- I guess I could sleep on the other couch (that’s where the dog was and I hate smelling dog (Sorry to all you dog lovers)
- I know she’s just trying to be helpful – she’s hanging on to what she knows how to do:
- feed us
- keep track of our whereabouts
- worry about us getting places safely
- where are we going
- when are we waking up
- These are all things that she likes to ask about.
- As a 60 year old woman, I resent the incessant questioning
- It’s annoying
- It’s unnecessary
- She doesn’t remember the answers anyway
- I have other things to do besides answer the same FUCKING questions over and over again – I know, I sound like a monster, but this is the real internal anger coming out which is good
- OK, I’m going to let it rip
- Who cares?
- Why do I need to fucking tell you?
- You won’t remember anyway, so why should I answer the same question for the 1000th time?
- OK, even though I feel evil, this is helping. This is saying what I definitely don’t think I should say. And I feel better.
- Pretending it doesn’t bother me doesn’t work
- Trying to be nice and then losing my shit and screaming at the top of my lungs is not a good strategy
- So what do I do now?
I don’t know. I really don’t.
I can answer once even if the question doesn’t matter.
I can ask her what I said before if she asks me again.
I can tell her how helpful she is being.
I can tell her I love her.
I can be sad when I’m sad.
I can think it shouldn’t be this way when I need to.
I can breathe, pray, meditate, and forgive myself for not being the person I think I should be:
- always calm
- always kind
- always patient
- always generous
- always happy and loving
AND I’M NOT THAT!!!
Sometimes, but not right now.
- I feel frustrated, anxious and annoyed
How’s that for honest?
- This is fun though. IT’S REAL!!!
OK, folks, that’s all I can take.
Have a wonderful evening.
I will do the best I can. I DO feel better just having been able to be honest with ya’all. (Yes, I’m from the south today).