Need to Work Through Some STUFF

I am feeling terribly guilty about my mom.

She can’t help what she is doing.

I get frustrated.

I don’t like to keep arguing about the same things:

• she is just trying to be helpful
• I don’t want to sleep there – all the beds are taken
• I guess I could sleep on the other couch (that’s where the dog was and I hate smelling dog (Sorry to all you dog lovers)
• I know she’s just trying to be helpful – she’s hanging on to what she knows how to do:
  • feed us
  • keep track of our whereabouts
  • worry about us getting places safely
  • where are we going
  • when are we waking up
  • These are all things that she likes to ask about.
• As a 60 year old woman, I resent the incessant questioning
• WHY?
• It’s annoying
• It’s unnecessary
• She doesn’t remember the answers anyway
• I have other things to do besides answer the same FUCKING questions over and over again – I know, I sound like a monster, but this is the real internal anger coming out which is good
• OK, I’m going to let it rip
  • Who cares?
  • Why do I need to fucking tell you?
  • You won’t remember anyway, so why should I answer the same question for the 1000th time?
• OK, even though I feel evil, this is helping. This is saying what I definitely don’t think I should say. And I feel better.
• Pretending it doesn’t bother me doesn’t work
• Trying to be nice and then losing my shit and screaming at the top of my lungs is not a good strategy
• So what do I do now?

I don’t know. I really don’t.

I can answer once even if the question doesn’t matter.

I can ask her what I said before if she asks me again.

I can tell her how helpful she is being.

I can tell her I love her.

I can be sad when I’m sad.

I can think it shouldn’t be this way when I need to.

I can breathe, pray, meditate, and forgive myself for not being the person I think I should be:

• always calm
• always kind
• always patient
• always generous
• always happy and loving

AND I’M NOT THAT!!!

Sometimes, but not right now.

• I feel frustrated, anxious and annoyed

How’s that for honest?

• This is fun though. IT’S REAL!!!

OK, folks, that’s all I can take.

Have a wonderful evening.

I will do the best I can. I DO feel better just having been able to be honest with ya’all. (Yes, I’m from the south today).

Have fun!!!!

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