Need to Work Through Some STUFF

I am feeling terribly guilty about my mom.

She can’t help what she is doing.

I get frustrated.

I don’t like to keep arguing about the same things:

  • she is just trying to be helpful
  • I don’t want to sleep there – all the beds are taken
  • I guess I could sleep on the other couch (that’s where the dog was and I hate smelling dog (Sorry to all you dog lovers)
  • I know she’s just trying to be helpful – she’s hanging on to what she knows how to do:
    • feed us
    • keep track of our whereabouts
    • worry about us getting places safely
    • where are we going
    • when are we waking up
    • These are all things that she likes to ask about.
  • As a 60 year old woman, I resent the incessant questioning
  • WHY?
  • It’s annoying
  • It’s unnecessary
  • She doesn’t remember the answers anyway
  • I have other things to do besides answer the same FUCKING questions over and over again – I know, I sound like a monster, but this is the real internal anger coming out which is good
  • OK, I’m going to let it rip
    • Who cares?
    • Why do I need to fucking tell you?
    • You won’t remember anyway, so why should I answer the same question for the 1000th time?
  • OK, even though I feel evil, this is helping. This is saying what I definitely don’t think I should say. And I feel better.
  • Pretending it doesn’t bother me doesn’t work
  • Trying to be nice and then losing my shit and screaming at the top of my lungs is not a good strategy
  • So what do I do now?

I don’t know. I really don’t.

I can answer once even if the question doesn’t matter.

I can ask her what I said before if she asks me again.

I can tell her how helpful she is being.

I can tell her I love her.

I can be sad when I’m sad.

I can think it shouldn’t be this way when I need to.

I can breathe, pray, meditate, and forgive myself for not being the person I think I should be:

  • always calm
  • always kind
  • always patient
  • always generous
  • always happy and loving

AND I’M NOT THAT!!!

Sometimes, but not right now.

  • I feel frustrated, anxious and annoyed

How’s that for honest?

  • This is fun though. IT’S REAL!!!

OK, folks, that’s all I can take.

Have a wonderful evening.

I will do the best I can. I DO feel better just having been able to be honest with ya’all. (Yes, I’m from the south today).

Have fun!!!!


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