In today’s video, I was attempting to create freedom for myself.
AN ASIDE: I am finding it difficult to communicate with my mom without arguing. (She called while I was making the video and I called her back since then. It didn’t go well. I don’t know what the problem is. Everything becomes a fight. I find myself wanting to call her back and apologize, but I’m afraid that will make it worse. We will see.)
Anyway, back to the video: Am I arguing to stay alone? Am I arguing for that there’s something wrong with me?
My brain is always criticizing:
- you’re too fat (it doesn’t need to say this one anymore, it’s just true in my mind)
- you’re too old (can’t you see these wrinkles?)
- you’re too sensitive (I always seem to be crying or upset)
- you’re not neat enough
- your car is a mess
And my brain seems to be winning. I am so used to it that I forget it’s not true.
My daughter told me I looked good the other day in my exercise clothes.
That is not in my reality.
People say they love me.
I can argue with that one too. Just wait. Eventually they will make a comment that I take personally or the wrong way. I will decide they are trying to fix me and don’t think I should be the way I am. Boom. They are gone.
IT SEEMS REAL TO ME. I GO DOWN THE TUBES AND DON’T EVEN KNOW IT, GETTING RID OF PEOPLE LEFT AND RIGHT.
And then there was the girl that said, “OR NOT!”
That was an immediate fuck you and I haven’t talked to her since.
Am I arguing for being right about how I shouldn’t be the way I am?
Am I arguing for that no one can REALLY LOVE ME AS IS?
I didn’t think I was. Until this morning.
The untethered soul tells us that we do fight to stay in our box. We will argue for it.
So we can stay right? So we can stay in our small little worlds?
I guess it’s just being human. That’s what we do.
So what can I do?
All I have to say is don’t try to fix me.
I am willing to have a conversation, but not if you are trying to fix me.
Then you go in the ass hole pile. Sorry!! (You have to watch the video to get that).
I can have a conversation if I upgrade some of this. I don’t have to run or throw everyone out.
This would be a big upgrade. I could say:
“I’m hearing it this way. Is that what you mean?”
“Can you use another word? That one is triggering me.”
OK, this is progress. Small but something.
I’m exhausted from this. Gotta start doing something else.
But it’s valuable. I’m not committed to being right about this. OR that I can’t be loved and therefore will always be alone. Why would I want to be?
This is good to distinguish. Again, it’s progress for me.
Thanks for listening. Have a great day!!!