Exploring the boundaries of what's possible by sharing and "saying what can't be said"
Author: Creating Life Out Here
Hilary believes that the key to Creating a Life You Love is sharing and saying what can't be said. She writes from the heart and shares her experience in creating her own life powerfully and by design.
Above is my very first podcast. I recorded it and then it was produced by some other people. I’m not wild about how it looks, but I listened to it and was blown away by our conversation.
John Stack, my guest, has an amazing, riveting story. Grab your tissues and take a listen.
That being said, I am excited and nervous about podcasting. It’s new so:
I don’t know how
I want it to be great without having to be bad
I don’t know how much money I have to invest in order to get it back
Producing more will cost money if I want them to be good
I am in the inquiry and don’t have to know the right answer yet
I love having conversations with people that make a difference
OK, that’s all for now. Time to get back to/start working and it’s 3:08 PM in the afternoon. Oh well, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. (I actually have done ‘some’ work so don’t tell anyone I haven’t done ANY – they are already accusing me of having other things I am working on – OOPS!)
Thanks for listening. Let me know what you think of the podcast. It’s about awareness and this is a topic that is the difference between life and death. Seriously.
This morning I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror while I was about to walk outside.
“OMG – I AM SO FAT!” I thought. “Holy shit. What happened to me? Is that my profile? It’s enormous! Look at my fat face!!! OMG!!! HELP!!”
I tried to calm myself down but I couldn’t. “No wonder why I’m alone. No wonder my life looks like hell right now. I should be put out of my misery……” and on and on. My brain went crazy.
I was listening to a call at the same time. A woman was grieving the death of her mother last week. A light bulb went off and tears came to my eyes.
I am just sad. It’s easier to call myself fat than to deal with the reality of certain situations.
My mom has dementia. She is 91. And, sometimes I am sad that life looks this way. This week, her caregiver of 2 years quit with 1 day’s notice. It was a shock and my sister is scrambling to find someone new to take care of my mother.
Trying to tell myself to be grateful that we still have my mom, getting mad at the caregiver, and getting mad at myself for being fat just don’t create any freedom.
The only thing that works is to allow my sadness. To use my “fat hijack” as an indicator that something is going on. To tune into the sadness and just cry. It only lasts a few seconds when it is the pure emotion. It is followed by calmness and peace. And I can love myself again.
Who knew that feeling fat could be a new pathway to freedom? I certainly didn’t.
If there’s something I want to do that I think will:
upset someone
make me feel like a “bad girl”
have me have to justify my actions
have me have to defend my actions
inconvenience someone
etc.
I torture myself with the decision.
Here’s my latest:
For 2 hours on Saturday I have a conflict. I am supposed to be in two courses at the same time.
I can make up the two hours for both in different ways: one I can make up by watching a recording and the other I can make up at another live weekend.
I am choosing to go to the first one instead of having to watch a recording. I will make up the two hours of the second one during another live weekend.
Why?
I don’t like to listen to recordings. I like to be in live courses where I can share and speak. This way I can be in two live courses instead of one live and one recording.
So that’s what I am going to do. Because I can make my life work the way I want it to.
Thank you. I was torn and having trouble sorting out WHY I chose that one and vacillating for 5 days over which way to do it.
I am just going to CHOOSE and stick with my decision.
And, I’m not a bad girl, getting anyone upset, having to defend or justify my actions, or inconveniencing anyone. Phew!
I am going on a vacation. I already wrote a newsletter about this and yet…
Still not free…
Talked to my son about the packing.
“Just bring what you love.”
“I’m afraid I won’t have what I need. That somehow if I bring everything I own I will be ok down there. I get nervous travelling. I don’t know why. HELP!!!!”
“I understand. I used to do the same thing. Now, I don’t. I have a great bag and everything fits and life is easier. I travel a lot and my life works.”
“OK, I will take everything out and only put back in what I wear here.”
I tried on some work out pants in case I could wear them on the plane. They were uncomfortable. I took them out and put them back in the closet. I took out a bunch of stuff that I really don’t need – extra work out pants, bras, underwear, shirts and shoes.
I undid the second bag and incorporated everything into the first. Instead of a whole bag of nuts, I took 3 little bags. I checked and they are 9 points. Way too much. Now they are just for emergencies.
I talked to my daughter. “You only need one pair of sneakers.”
“NOOOOOOO.” I screamed.
“You can only wear one pair at a time.”
“You’re killing me,” I said.
“And wear those on the plane with your jacket.”
“FINE.” I said, pouting.
I’ve been telling myself for years that I have “Packers’s Disease.” There’s nothing I can do about it. I just keep filling the bag until I run out of time.
Well, what if I listen to my kids and just say: “I’m a smart packer. I know how to dress. I know how to pack. I love myself. I love my life. I am calm and looking forward to my vacation.”
That would replace: “HELP. They are going to know I’m crazy. I don’t know what I’m doing. My mother told me I have no taste and my daughter tells me I dress like a dyke.) I can’t trust myself. No one can ever love me because I have ISSUES!” (No offense to dykes, it’s just that it wasn’t the look I was going for.”
OK, I am down to one bag. I do wear MOST of what it is in there. I don’t need 7 bras. I will make do with flip flops, sandals and sneakers.
I thought my course was going to have generated enough income to cover my investment in the year since we started, and as of last week, it HAD NOT.
I was pissed.
And was told I had a negative attitude which got me even madder.
I wrote about this last week. Instead of calling myself stupid, I decided I would replace stupid with “smart, courageous and brave.”
Since that day the world has opened up. Instead of putting out energy for being right about how stupid I am, I started putting out a vibrant energy of creativity and freedom.
Here are the miracles:
my paper and workshop were accepted for the conference for global transformation
I am speaking at a conference on the Gift of Healing next week
I am writing an article for a company that has 19,000 subscribers to their newsletter
I am being interviewed for 2 podcasts
I can barely keep up with it all. It is very exciting.
In looking at the steps that created my freedom, I see the following:
Uncover – I had to first uncover what had me be stuck – until I saw I was calling myself stupid and being right about it, nothing was going to change
Forgiveness – I had to forgive myself for doing that – I had to accept myself exactly how I am and stop making myself and the situation wrong in order to move forward
Create a new context – I decided to call myself, smart, courageous and brave for taking on the course, my commitment for the world, podcasting, YouTube, instagram, etc. “Most people would not be doing this,” I was told. “You are courageous.” That put me in a new energy and vibration
I think there are other factors, as well, but these are the ones I’m looking at right now.
Anything you see? I am open for suggestions. These will become the pillars for my podcast:
Podcast Name (right now): “Get Real and Get Free.”
Mission Statement: All people are free to create lives they love
Problem: People get stuck in their thoughts, paradigms, and contexts
Solutions: Uncover, Forgive, and Create a New Context
That’s it for now. Let me know what you think and if I’m missing something.
Thanks for listening.
PS I almost called the podcast: From the Loser Left to the Light Right but decided that was a little too negative. I was in a bad mood when I thought that one up!! Can you tell?
“This will not work if you’re negative,” my marketing guy, I will call him Stan, said.
“Well, I’m just disappointed,” I said. “I paid you alot of money and this isn’t working.”
“We have not given up helping you,” Stan said. “And we are not charging you additional money.”
I stopped listening while he kept talking………
“We’ve gone over this before. If you are negative, this won’t work, ……..I told you what to do the last 3 weeks and you haven’t done it…this takes work……being an entrepreneur doesn’t happen over night……….”
I felt like a 5 year old. He wasn’t HEARING ME!! All he was doing was lecturing me. He had the audacity to say they were helping me for FREE. I PAID THEM A LOT OF MONEY LAST YEAR AND THIS HASN’T WORKED!!!
“We told you we would help you be successful. That’s why we work on this every day. We haven’t given up, but if you are going to be negative, we should all stop right now.” He finally finished.
My face was frozen in a scowl. I wanted to tell him to just fucking give the whole thing up and fuck you very much. I just stared into the zoom camera, not willing or able to speak.
I could just say ok. Let’s stop the nonsense. He was calling my bluff. Did I really want to do that? Maybe not.
“You know what it is,” I finally said, voice breaking. “I feel stupid. I really thought this was going to work. I had an unfulfilled expectation that I would be successful, make back my investment, and be making money by now. I’m just REALLY disappointed.”
“We are too. But we are not giving up unless you do. And you need to have a positive attitude,….”
“Can you PLEASE stop telling me to be positive? This is as good as it’s getting right now. I may be different in 5 minutes, but right now this is ALL YOU’RE GETTING!! And please stop saying you are working for free – I PAID YOU A LOT OF MONEY AND I’M DISAPPOINTED.”
Silence on both our parts.
“OK,” I said. “I will give up that I am stupid. It’s familiar. I am telling myself I was stupid for thinking I could do this and now I am being right about how I am stupid. I can give that up.”
“You are actually courageous,” he said.
“Thank you. OK, I will say I am smart, brave and courageous instead of stupid. And I will be positive. I can do this. I will contact 20 of these people a week.”
“How about 25 a week? 5 a day?”
“UGH. OK. I will force myself.”
“Positive…….”
“Fine. I will be positive. Thank you.”
“Sometimes I just need to kick you in the butt.”
“Yes, you do.”
That was that. Now I have to contact 5 potential referral sources a day. My brain is telling me I don’t know how, etc. And, I don’t have to listen to it.
Have a great day and thanks for listening. I am smart, brave and courageous. How are you?
I had gotten divorced, and my ex-husband kept calling me his wife, which really, really annoyed me.
For two years, he would say it, and I would just cringe. I couldn’t stand it. I resented him. I was pissed off, but I never told anyone.
Finally, I told one of my friends.
“God, I hate when he calls me that,” I said.
“Well, why don’t you say something?” they asked.
I thought about it. I realized I was afraid.
Even though we were not married anymore, we still had the kids. I was afraid if I told him, he would leave. He would just disappear, and then what would I do? I would have to be with my kids alone and handle everything myself. As selfish as that sounds, that was my real thought.
I know some people do that, but it was an irrational fear that if I told him, something bad would happen.
But one day I gathered up some courage.
“Look, I’m really afraid to tell you this, but something is really bothering me,” I put my head in my hands and burst into tears.
“What is it? You can tell me…….” he said gently.
Between sobs I said, “It really bothers me when you call me your wife. I’m not your wife. We’re divorced.”
“Oh, okay. So I won’t call you that,” he said matter-of-factly.
And that’s how I became an ex-wife in seconds.
So here’s my question to you. Is there something that really bothers you, and you resent someone, and it pisses you off, but you don’t think you can tell them because you’re afraid?
Where is something like that in your life, where you’ve lost affinity and you’ve lost connection? If you don’t like it, you just have to say it and your life will change in a few seconds.
Really the way I did it, he didn’t get mad. I just said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but it’s something that really bothers me.” And then I said it and it was fine. In the next few seconds, I had such freedom, the affinity was back, and we started getting along.
Now, when something bothers me, I can just say, “Hey, I really don’t like that,” and it’s okay, and your life can change in a couple of seconds.
So that’s my story about how I turned into an ex-wife in seconds, just by saying what I didn’t think I could say.
Hope you find your way to saying what you don’t think you can say, because I’m telling you, it’s awesome.
And of course… If you want more educational and fun content…
This Is How To Change Your Children’s Lives for The Better!
When I was in high school, I used to do a lot of things.
✔️I was a cheerleader.
✔️I was in the orchestra.
✔️I was in the band.
✔️I was in the chorus.
✔️I played tennis.
And I was a top student..
I would show up at my piano lessons in my cheerleading uniform, holding my flute, school books and tennis racket.
“You are a jack of all trades and a master of none,” my teacher told me one day.
I didn’t know what he meant but it didn’t sound good.
I showed up to my lessons without ever practicing. I thought I was a pretty good sight-reader and I was getting away with it.
One day my piano teacher taped me. He played back the recording.
“Stop it,” I said. “Please turn that off.”
I was shocked at how horrible it sounded. I mean, here I thought I’d been getting away with it and he knew the whole time that I was not practicing.
He taped me several weeks in a row and made me listen. It was horrible. Finally I cried to my mother about how mean this guy was.
Being a music teacher herself, she couldn’t understand what was going on . She went in to talk to him.
“Why do you make Hilary cry? What’s happening here?”
His answer changed my life. He said, “Well, because she has talent.”
When my mother told me that, I couldn’t believe it.
No one has EVER told me I had talent. All these years of piano, flute and harp lessons and I never once heard that I had talent. I just went. It’s what there was to do.
After that, I started practicing. I practiced and practiced and practiced and had a senior recital that I’m very proud of. Taking lessons became something very different after that. It became something I was good at instead of just going because it’s what I was supposed to do.
I also figured out that that’s why he said I was the master of none. I flitted from one thing to the next without really working hard at any of them. In college, I became more focused on just a few activities. I was elected captain of my squash team and the president of my sorority. I was happy to finally be a leader.
What this lesson taught me was that Encouragement, compliments, acknowledgement, and telling somebody they’re good at something can change their lives. It’s way more effective than insulting them or being mean.
That’s what I started doing with my kids. And that’s what I try to do with everybody – tell them what’s good about them instead of what’s wrong or focusing on their mistakes.
Is there anyone in your life that you could give a compliment to?
Is there someone to whom you could say: “Wow, you’re really great at that. Keep going?
Or what about yourself? Can you encourage yourself instead of what I was doing, which was tearing myself down and telling myself I was no good.
The encouragement and the compliment changed my life. Could it change yours?
Please let me know what happens.
And of course… If you want more educational and fun content…
When I’m annoyed, I want to eliminate the person, thing, group or task that is causing the discomfort.
This limits me from connecting with people, pursuing things, and being alive.
When I really look at the annoyance, it is a function of my relationship with myself.
I am annoyed because:
I’m comparing myself to others – they are happy, more accomplished, more skilled, look better, etc.
I don’t want to do something – familiar thoughts such as: I can’t, I don’t know how, I don’t want to because I’ve failed at it before, I don’t have time, etc. – it’s an internal whine that just has me reject the idea
I’m not where I think I should be – sales, relationships, weight, body, pain levels, etc.
I’m alone and everyone else has fun plans – and I know I didn’t try to schedule anything so it’s my fault so what am I even complaining about?
There’s things I feel like I should do – like see my mother more – and I just haven’t because I’ve been busy
I had some expectations that didn’t happen
So what does all this mean?
I don’t know. I guess I can just use being annoyed as a GATEWAY to freedom.
I can just be aware that being annoyed is where I stop. I can recognize it, and then see how what actions I can take.
Possible actions:
accept being annoyed
accept myself as is – annoyed and all
be present to what I am grateful for
go see my mother or see her tomorrow
keep tracking my food even though all I want to eat is chips (I’m cooking broccoli cause I like volume so that’s a step)
meditate, sit, be present, take a nap
I’m not quite out of the annoyance, but, I’m allowing myself to just be annoyed. Let me see what shows up…
OK…I JUST SAW WHEN IT STARTED.
Yesterday I was listening to a podcast. The guy who started Bullet proof coffee was being interviewed by Maria Schriver.
This guy lost 100 pounds and got really healthy. He does intermittent fasting, and only has one meal a day which includes organic vegetables and a small portion of grass fed meat. He says this way of eating can cure Alzheimer’s.
Since dementia seems to be hereditary and runs in my family, I got interested.
Here’s what got me stuck: I don’t want to only eat one meal a day. I like my chips and carbs and burnt chicken.
I DON’T WANT TO EAT LIKE HIM. I made that mean I will get dementia. Hence the suffering. Either eat like him or get dementia.
This reminds me of a story:
Back in the 90’s, I went to a spa. All we ate was vegetables, beans, and more vegetables. It was very strict but since that’s all there was and it was all cooked and served to us, it was fairly easy to do it there.
At home, no one was making me this healthy food. I knew I couldn’t maintain that strict healthy way of eating. Rather than do my best, I gave up. I revolted and started eating burgers and fries every day. The crazy thing was I NEVER ate burgers and fries or even thought of eating them before I went to the spa. It was weird.
I think when I don’t think I can do something perfectly, I give up. I am just BAD AND WRONG and nothing matters. Might as well just eat the damn fries. (Make sure they are crispy, though!)
Back to Mr. Bullet. I wish I had never heard him. And I did. So what can I do?
I can turn this from right/wrong, good/bad, into what can be workable. I can work in some of what he says if I want to and see if it works. I can try organic vegetables and grass fed meat after I eat what’s already in my refrigerator.
I can try bullet proof coffee again with the weird butter for breakfast and see if I feel better this time. I can even buy his book and try it gradually.
Or, I can just keep doing what I’m doing and be fine with it. I was happy before I heard him and I can be happy even though I heard his podcast.
Well, this is long. It’s been valuable for me. I hope it makes a difference for you in some small way.
Creating Life Out Here 