I was just on an inquiry call. It’s a drop in call with people from all over the globe and we discuss what we are up to for the world.

My initiative, as I call it, is creating life out here in the in between, free from the limitations imposed on us by our brains. The access is sharing, and saying what can’t be said.

Sometimes, saying what I don’t think I can say is very uncomfortable. I have noticed that if I do something that is an “outlyer,” (out of the comfort zone), I am ok as long as I get some acknowledgement or validation in a relatively short period of time.

If I don’t get any, than eventually my brain will convince me that what I did was stupid, and I revert back into more comfortable actions or conversations like invalidating myself and my life. This pretty much guarantees that I won’t venture too far away from anything I’m used to doing which is very limiting.

Tonight, Brian from New Zealand brought up improvising. People related it to acting, being present, inventing, and being in the zone.

I thought that perhaps, improvising might be a fun way to go into the unknown, or discomfort in order to forge new pathways for humans.

If it wasn’t all so damn significant, I could possibly be free from my past and just play in new areas.

It’s certainly something to think about. One new thing I’m doing as of last week: I am going to flirt with men. It used to be a natural expression for me. I had a ball. But then, I got very serious and stopped playing. So this is another area where I can improvise and have some fun again.

Another thing: outside my beach cottage rages a storm. The waves are noisily crashing, the wind is loud, and a part of me is uncomfortable. What happens if the cottage goes out to sea with me in it? Who would hear me yelling? How long could I last swimming in the cold water? And on and on…….

I guess I could improvise here too………..Relax and enjoy the rhythmic crashing and pitter patter of the rain…………And keep my phone by my bed in case I need to call the coast guard.

That’s all for tonight, folks!!! I’m going to try a loving meditation. I’ve never done one but I have heard wonderful things about them from Tim Ferriss and his podcast guests. Tonight I finally remembered to find them on google.

Have a great night!!!!

Last week was a very negative work week in terms of gossip, drama, and people talking about other people. It was all leading up to our annual awards dinner on Friday.

Then, to make a bad week worse, at the awards event, one of my fellow District Sales Coordinators (DSC) brought up a very disturbing event from the past. His comments stirred up a dormant hornet’s nest. Last summer one of my agents turned me in to the AFLAC Trust. It could have resulted in me getting fired. It was based on false allegations which were cleared, but this was after a month long investigation. The betrayal and disloyalty I experienced were painful.

But I had moved on. And forgotten all about it. So, when this DSC brought it up and told me it wasn’t who I thought it was, I was shocked. He said it was another agent that I still work with. This agent had sworn to me that she had nothing to do with any part of it.

Needless to say, I was disturbed. How would I know who it was? Should I confront this person? Could I trust her now? My mind spun with questions.

As the evening went on, I was not my normal self. I distrusted anyone who was friendly to me and thought them phony. I didn’t want to be around any of these people that I usually love to hang out with. Then, I complained to 3 of the market staff about how I wasn’t acknowledged for one of my accomplishments. They didn’t even mention it. The whole ride home (I had brought my mom as my guest), I couldn’t stop bringing it up. It was a terrible feeling to be steeped in such a cynical outlook on people and life.

The next day I couldn’t stand myself and was embarrassed at how I had acted. I wrote an email to my market director apologizing for being a brat and telling him I allowed myself to get negative due to gossip. I am now committed to not participating in gossip. I could see how it destroyed my attitude, and can’t imagine what it does to other people. It can erode our team spirit and pit people against each other instead of having a win/win culture.

That was Saturday. I didn’t hear back from him Sunday or Monday morning. I immediately felt like an idiot for having sent the email. Why did I bring it up at all? Why didn’t I just let a dead dog lie? What a jerk I was? I tried to put it out of my mind but it kept popping back in. I felt terrible.

Then, later that day, he responded. And my whole world changed. Here is his response:

“No need to apologize! I get it and it was a decision by leadership to hone down our awards to have more time for fun, but your success DID NOT go unnoticed. Everyone is so impressed with your “continued” success year over year. You are setting the standard for growth and winning.

I love your pride and what you have done! You should be proud and excited for 2019. I know you are going to have a repeat year. I love your motto. Stay focused and don’t listen to the “noise”. Focus on you and your team and nothing will stop your team.

Thank you for reaching out!”

And I breathed again. And I thanked him for letting me know my accomplishments were noticed. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Transformed me from feeling like an idiot loser to someone proud to be setting the pace for others.

Now, instead of feeling stupid, I feel like a winner who is so happy she reached out!!! What a difference an email can make!!!!!!

The last week I was really out there, talking about how I was told I shouldn’t be upset when I was little and how hard it was for me to allow myself to be upset because I always thought there was something wrong with me if I was upset so I would hide if I was upset until it passed and then emerge when the “upset had passed.”

I don’t know if that makes sense, but ……it was fascinating to me how free I felt when I could actually just be upset, let out the pent up emotions from my whole life, and let them go. And it was fast. A few seconds of emoting and poof, I was free. I had never experienced anything like it in my life.

So I was sharing about it, you know, that’s what I do. And twice when I was really “into the explanation”, the person I was talking to had to get off the phone. Mid-sentence. So I was starting to think, “I definitely shouldn’t be telling people this. It’s either boring, uninteresting, or both. And, it makes them have to get off the phone.”

It was just a little thought, but it started taking root. Today, on another call, I was told “don’t put your monologue on loud speaker” in the middle of a sentence.

I shut up. I was gone. Done. I was never speaking again. Never voicing any thought or insight again. Done. Kaput, Finito.

And I kind of knew I was acting childish. But I still wasn’t going to speak again. Especially not to THAT PERSON.

After about a half hour of stewing, my daughter called. After I listened to her, I confessed how I was feeling. “Pick up the phone and get into communication,” she said.

I didn’t want to. I thought I’d be told that this was more monologue.

But I called anyway. And thank God I did. Because the person who said it said she wasn’t speaking to me when she said it. She was saying for others. Not me. And she thanked me for my contribution to the calls.

So I was wrong. Very wrong. And I am very glad that my daughter told me to make the call. Not only was I no longer upset, but I felt happy and free. Amazing.

Then tonight, I was thanked by a coworker who I was kind of afraid of. She’s been venting to me and I was somehow thinking her upset was my fault. (Because that’s what I always think – everything bad is somehow my fault – except the weather and traffic – they usually aren’t because of me).

And I realize I was wrong again. She appreciates that I listen to her and cheer her on. I can do that. I’m good at that. It wasn’t my fault at all.

So, maybe, just maybe, I’m not as bad a person as I think. It’s kind of cool. Maybe it’s just my brain’s automatic negativity and not REAL. (Ya think?)

Cause when things are happening that are uncomfortable, it’s much easier for me to hide behind “I’m wrong” and back down. And stay out of sight for a while. Because I haven’t really trusted my instincts that much. I’d be brave for a while, then get scared and retreat.

But now, armed with compliments, I am going to forge ahead bravely and fight for what I believe in:

SAY WHAT CAN’T BE SAID AND SHARE, AND YOU WILL BE FREE TO CREATE A LIFE OUT HERE THAT YOU LOVE!!!!

What do you think? (Of course I need some validation, right? Guess I’m not quite standing so bravely out there yet, but I’m closer than I was!!!!!)

Have a great night!!!!

I think I am On It.

How do I know?

Everything hurts. I don’t want to do anything. I want to go to sleep (it’s only 6:26 PM).

I just saw a video by Jack Canfield called “Pay Attention to the Signs of the Universe.” It made me think and now I am really even more on it than before I saw the video.

Here is what Jack said:

Look for these five things in order to pay attention to what the universe is trying to tell you:

• When you have had the experience of joy
• Any physical pain you notice – it could be alerting you that something isn’t right or some belief is stuck
• When you have a song stuck in your head or a recurring dream – listen to what the message is that’s repeating
• Your inner voice – not the regular elephant voice, but the quiet one
• Ask the universe what it is trying to tell you – meditate, etc.

Not sure I have these exactly right, BUT, now my back REALLY hurts. What is that telling me? “Get off my back?” “Back off?” Interesting………..Who am I wanting to say that to? ………Maybe myself. Maybe it’s more of the being kind to myself. I took it on today and while I’m pretending to be kind, my “inner voice” is all over my back. AHA. There it is again. Who knew?

When in my life have I experienced joy?

• being with my family when we are laughing together
• laughing in general
• discovering new ways to do things
• exercising
• hearing a song with a great beat
• dancing
• reading
• doing my puzzles
• writing
• listening to someone and creating freedom for them
• believing in someone when they aren’t

So, I was going to say (because I’m on it) that I don’t experience joy before I wrote this list. I proved myself wrong on that one.

What is my inner voice saying? Good question. I will have to shut down my negativity long enough to hear it.

What is the universe saying? Again, see above.

So, I am going to stay on it just because resisting it and making it wrong is exhausting and doesn’t work. Instead I am just going to be how I am and see if it lifts……………………………….

Song from Jeopardy is playing – do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do ……………

OK, it didn’t lift. I don’t think I’m actually accepting that being this way is actually ok. It’s so freaking WRONG to be on it!!!! I should be peppy and happy and positive and joyful and la dee freaking dah!!!! And I’m definitely not that.

So there you have it. Guess I’ll just stay on it!!!! Have a great freaking night!!!!!

I have been “using my words” as we tell little kids. And it worked.

All weekend, when I was feeling like a crazy person – either scared, frustrated, disappointed, or not feeling heard, I communicated instead of just staying stuck in my not so rational mind.

And I couldn’t believe the difference it made.

Probably the biggest examples was when we were taking my daughter to New Hampshire back to college. The world’s worst winter storm was forecasted to begin at 6:00 PM. To beat it back to Connecticut we would have to leave NH at 2:00. At 2:30, we were still chasing wood pallets for my daughter’s new mattress to rest on. And there was no end to the adventure. I could feel the stress in my chest spreading up into my throat. It was getting worse as the minutes ticked by and no one seemed to care that we were in “imminent danger.”

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was in a car with my ex-husband. (Haley was in a different car with my mom, leading the chase). I told Mark how horrible I felt. “I’m scared, I want to leave, and I feel like nobody is listening to me. And it’s making me feel like a crazy loon and its getting worse and worse and I can’t stand myself and I am sure no one else wants to be around me either.”

We talked. He actually listened.

“Is it that you’re so scared of the storm?” Mark asked.

It actually wasn’t my fear of the storm that was making me feel so not fun to be around. It was that nobody was getting how scared I was. And the more no one listened, the more horrible I felt. And I made myself wrong for it, got into this horrible vicious cycle, and just wanted to escape and be alone in my misery. I didn’t know how to get out of the cycle.

It didn’t help that I was thinking of all the not fun times when I had been around other people in bad moods. And I knew I was being one of them and couldn’t stand it.

But an amazing thing happened after he listened to me. The horrible funk lifted. It just disappeared. It was gone. I could enjoy the day.

And I wasn’t even nervous anymore. And the funny thing is that we never even hit the snow. It started two hours after we got home.

What an important lesson for me.

And I got to try it again today. I was so excited to come back to my house. I had all my bags, my groceries, and was looking forward to enjoying my solitude and the water view. For the last month I had mostly stayed at my mom’s house because that’s where the kids were staying and I wanted to be with them. Finally, they were gone and I couldn’t wait to get home.

When I drove my road, however, I couldn’t get to my house. The whole thing was flooded. I had to turn around and go back to my mom’s, a half hour away. I was so disappointed and frustrated. I sent screaming emojis to people. I vented my frustration. I got it out, got busy, and miraculously forgot about it.

And 3 hours later, I tried again. This time I got in because the tide had gone down. I had forgotten that the original moment of frustration wasn’t forever. Like when you don’t feel well and it feels like this is the way you will feel forever. And you can’t picture ever feeling good again.

But it REALLY HAD seemed like the world was against me again. And somehow it was my fault. Looking back, it seems a little ridiculous. How could I have caused a high tide?

Last thing. I was feeling resigned and defeated about my weight loss progress. Instead of losing, I have gained. Not the direction I was trying for.

So today, I decided to take action. I got on the chat on the WW site and I talked to Lorraine. She was very nice and asked me a lot of questions. I told her that possibly when I go to my mother’s house, I may eat more than I plan to due to the stress.

“Is your mother ill?”

“No, but she’s almost 89 and asks a lot of questions and doesn’t remember the answers so she asks them again and again. And when I lose my patience, I feel terrible. And then there’s the issue of my ex husband living there (long story) and that tries my patience as well.”

“More than ever you will want to be kind to yourself,” she answered.

She also said drink more water, mix up what I’m eating, and watch my portion sizes. But I think the most useful is the Be Kind to myself.

I definitely have not been. I have been holding myself to a very high standard and when I don’t match it, I forget everything good I’ve ever done and it just seems like I suck, life sucks, and nothing really matters. And that sucks.

So, my new motto is be kind to myself. Why not? It certainly can’t hurt, and it’s got to feel better than what I was doing before.

And also, drink more water!!!!!!

What is right is not always popular, and what is popular is not always right.

After I posted about people pleasing, I saw this quote in my email. I think I’m not as concerned with what is right, as what will upset someone.

I realize how much I am run by not getting people upset. How much I don’t say or do because of that fear. I was thinking today that if we inherit certain behaviors, thoughts, or patterns from our ancestors, this pattern might have been inherited.

I had ancestors in the Holocaust. Their lives could literally have been at stake if they made someone mad or upset. Of course they would be careful about what they did or said. I could have gotten this behavior from them and it’s not really mine to deal with anymore.

I can say a prayer tonight and quietly return this behavior to my deceased ancestors. It can’t hurt them any longer. They are already dead. And I can be free. I did it with my anxiety and it’s much better.

I will see if this works. Maybe it will become easier to take the action or say what there is to say. You never know. As crazy as it sounds, it can’t really hurt, can it?

So, until then…………………………………

Yesterday, per my new boss, I sent an email to my ex boss and copied in his boss.

My old boss, K, had offered a contest where if he hit his quota and we hit ours for the last two weeks of 2018, he would pay us $500.

Both happened. But when I had asked K about the money, he kind of ignored my question.

Even so, I felt sort of like a rat copying in his boss. I almost didn’t send the email.

Why? Why wouldn’t I want to hold him to his word?

I guess I was afraid he’d be mad. Afraid he wouldn’t like me. Afraid he would badmouth me. And that it would come back to bite me in the ass.

One time, in the 90’s, when I worked on Wall Street, I was very cocky. I complained about one of the consultants, B, my company had hired. Be rarely showed up. And when he did, he would try to tell us what to do. B hadn’t even been involved in the project. It pissed me off and I felt I knew better. I had also been a consultant in a prior job. I’m pretty sure I may have contributed to B getting fired.

When Drexel, where I worked, went bankrupt, I had an interview at Solomon Brothers. B was now working there and was supposed to interview me. He refused. And, he blackballed me so I obviously didn’t get the job. And I never forgot it. You know that old saying, “don’t burn your bridges?” Well, I had obviously burnt mine.

So, as I was hitting send on the email to my old boss and his boss, I thought maybe I was making a mistake.

About an hour later I got an email from K. “What’s your address? I’m making out the check tonight,”

So, I guess it worked. Now I’m glad I sent the email. I am going to rethink my fear of speaking up and standing up for myself once again.

Sort of related, today I happened to be listening to a Tim Ferriss podcast. He was interviewing Greg McKeown, the author of a book about “Essentialism.” Tim was asking Greg how to say no to people who ask you a favor. Tim was also afraid of getting people mad and the backlash effect of saying no. In the past, he had been maligned when he had said no to doing someone a favor.

Greg said “Don’t sacrifice respect for popularity.”

He said that people who are on purpose stay on purpose. They don’t say yes to keep people happy and sacrifice their own goals. There is a way to do it that doesn’t have a negative effect.

I found this very interesting. So I will continue to inquire and explore the topic.

Below is a quote I just saw. It reminded me of my anger yesterday after my phone call.

“It is those moments after the anger subsides and the objectivity returns that your best ideas take root. “

So, I will call it all good. It’s all in the service of creating a powerful life. Trusting my upset instead of invalidating it and looking to see what isn’t working. Then seeing how to upgrade my reactions and responses to increase the amount of empowerment and joy in my life.

Because that is what I enjoy. Seeing how to make life even better. Especially when I’m not feeling the love. How can I return to affinity? What do I have to say? What do I have to complete with someone? How can I say it powerfully and not make them wrong?

Stay tuned. There is always more to learn…………………………………………

I just got off the phone with someone and I am annoyed. I was trying to speak but I couldn’t get through what I wanted to say because several times she interrupted me to give me advice.

That really bugs the crap out of me.

It used to happen to me when I was married all the time. I couldn’t have the conversation I was trying to have because my ex would either start challenging my choice of words, give me advice, or just start talking about what he wanted to talk about.

I guess feeling heard is important to me. When I don’t get to finish, I shut down and just start resenting the person. And I stay pissed off for quite some time.

Well, that’s not really being cause in the matter of being heard, is it? It’s being a sulky, petulant victim who gets rid of people and makes them wrong instead of just “saying something.”

The problem is that what I want to say is:

• shut the f–k up you rude bitch. I don’t care what you have to say, just let me f——-g finish. I’m not asking for your advice. I’m NOT FINISHED!!!!!!!!!
• talk to the hand
• I’m hanging up
• f—k you
• la la la – I’m not listening – let me know when you’re finished and I’ll continue
• you call yourself a leader? didn’t they teach you to listen? isn’t your advice to me noise?
• you asked me a question and you’re not letting me answer – wtf?
• …….

So given all that, it’s probably better that I have kept my mouth shut. I don’t think saying any of those things would have helped the situation at all and it probably would not have ended well.

If I was a little more mature, what could I say instead? Let’s see……….

I got nothing…………I need some time………..

WHY DON’T WE TALK ANOTHER TIME WHEN YOU CAN KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT?

OK, not there yet. Well, at least I’m finding humor in this. That’s a step up from pissed off victim.

I’D LOVE TO FINISH MY THOUGHT – ANY CHANCE OF THAT, BITCH?

OK, I’m obviously not upgrading this at all. But at least I’ve aired out some pent up frustration.

Here’s something: I could ask permission to speak uninterrupted before I start talking. If they don’t have time to listen or can’t do that, I can ask if we can talk another time or find someone else to talk to. Now that sounds mature.

It seems like a lot of work, but it’s got to be better than what I have been doing. And I will keep thinking.

And I have to realize that some people may not be able to stop themselves from interrupting. I can merely grant them being and not take it personally.

But only as a last resort!!!!!!! And that will take some practice!

Thanks for listening. Have a great night!!

What I mean by this is saying the thing that you want to say, but it’s kind of stuck in your throat. And it’s something you wish you could say, but for some reason, it feels like you physically can’t say it.

Some people think I mean vomiting up all of your nastiness. Or just going around complaining about how life isn’t fair to you. Or just having turrets and annihilating everyone around you.

That’s not what I’m talking about. It’s not meant to be harmful, hurtful, nasty or negative. It’s meant to free you from your internal monologue and help you create a generative, powerful life.

Here’s an example for me from today.

Tammy (not her real name) and I had an agreement for work. If she wrote $50,000 of business, I would give her $3000. It helped her stay motivated, and it helped me hit my quota. I get a bonus for hitting my quota and without her, I probably would not have made it, so it was a good deal for both of us.

We had a great quarter. We both went way past our numbers. So what’s the problem?

We never discussed what happened when she went over the original $50,000. She kept mentioning how I would pay her more since she did more, but it wasn’t part of the agreement. Every time she mentioned it, I got stressed. But I didn’t speak up.

I was afraid to talk about it. (Hence this was something I couldn’t say). Weeks have gone by. In talking to my coach, I realized how nervous this was making me. I didn’t want Tammy to get mad, resent me, badmouth me, or throw me under the bus, so I just stayed quiet when she brought it up.

Today I decided to SAY SOMETHING. I texted her that I had a question.

She called immediately.

“We never discussed what would happen when you went over the original $50,000. I get nervous every time you mention it and just wanted to know what number you were thinking of.”

“You’re right. We didn’t.”

We went back and forth, tossing out numbers. Eventually I realized that she had assumed that for every $25,000 she wrote she would get another $1500. And, she did more than another $25,000. So, her number was $5000.

My number had been more like $4000. And, and unless I 1099 her, she’s getting tax-free money that I’ve paid taxes on.

We agreed to wait until we see what my bonus actually is. Then we will revisit the number.

While I don’t like paying her $5000, it’s an investment. She may be on my team this year, and I have to decide if it’s worth an extra $500 or $1000 to keep her happy, staying positive and being a team player.

But I ALSO want to make sure that I am not losing out on the deal. I will work out the tax implications and tell her it’s this much if I 1099 her and this much if I don’t. Again, I’m a little afraid to stand up for myself, but it’s just another example of where I’m afraid to speak up (“say what can’t be said.)”

In order to have a win/win, we both have to be happy and free of resentment. We are going to continue to work this out. I don’t want her to feel ripped-off, but I also don’t want to feel like a sucker that is stupid and taken advantage of.

So, that’s my example of saying what can’t be said. It was getting into dialogue instead of monologue. Speaking up even though I was afraid Tammy would get upset. Saying something even if I thought “I can’t say that.”

“As long as we are not making the other person wrong, we can say anything.” That’s a direct quote from Helen Gilhooly, one of my newly favorite people. (I was mad at her for about 19 years – finally got to really tell her what was going on and she finally understood what had happened in 1996 and apologized. Long story but I’m glad it’s behind us).

What can you say that you are afraid to say? Where do you have resentment for someone and if you look, it’s because YOU didn’t speak up?

What’s the worst thing that can happen?

Keep sharing yourself. It’s the path to freedom.

We’ve got this thing going with my mom. I have three sisters and two brothers.

When I hear something from one of my siblings about my mom, I immediately start thinking there’s a real problem and I, to use a technical term, “lose my shit.”

What is Real?

And what I’m realizing is that it’s hard to sort out what’s real and what’s not. For example my mother is giving money to a “friend” because she says she needs it. That’s a fact.

It breaks my heart because my mother will eat old, moldy food and not throw anything out to save money. She hates spending money. That’s her choice.

Maybe she feels good giving this person her money. I think it’s a fact that the woman has a gambling problem and her sons put her on a budget because of it. It seems like when she blows her rent money gambling, she comes to my mother. It feels like she is taking advantage of my mother.

My mother thinks she is going to pay her back. I am pretty sure she never will. That she can’t.

Is that a problem? It feels like one to me. I don’t want my mother to be used. But who’s choice is it? And, is my mother capable of making good decisions? I don’t know.

Another example: The symphony told her there were no violas in the next concert so she wasn’t needed. According to one sister, she went to a rehearsal with no music and just sat there. That she never knows where her music is. I immediately got embarrassed and humiliated for her. How terrible!! It would make sense that they would politely tell her not to play anymore. That she is no longer able to play. That really makes me sad.

But, according to the other sister, it was one song that she didn’t have the music for and she read from another person’s music. No biggie. And, there are probably just no violas in the next concert and so that makes sense.

What’s the truth? I don’t know.

All I know is that I need a better coping mechanism for this. I can cry when I need to cry.

But am I crying about the “story” or about what’s really happening? I don’t know. I can ask my mother the truth, but is she reliable? I don’t know.

I guess I can just be with the not knowing. And love my family for the different perspectives they bring. And try to get the real “undistorted by people’s perspectives” facts if that’s possible.

And continue to love my mother, however she is. Because I do. And just to be with what is so, without the story.

I’m wishing myself luck. Thanks for listening.

NOTE: I’m rushing and don’t have time to re-read this again. It might not be my best editting job. FYI