The last week I was really out there, talking about how I was told I shouldn’t be upset when I was little and how hard it was for me to allow myself to be upset because I always thought there was something wrong with me if I was upset so I would hide if I was upset until it passed and then emerge when the “upset had passed.”
I don’t know if that makes sense, but ……it was fascinating to me how free I felt when I could actually just be upset, let out the pent up emotions from my whole life, and let them go. And it was fast. A few seconds of emoting and poof, I was free. I had never experienced anything like it in my life.
So I was sharing about it, you know, that’s what I do. And twice when I was really “into the explanation”, the person I was talking to had to get off the phone. Mid-sentence. So I was starting to think, “I definitely shouldn’t be telling people this. It’s either boring, uninteresting, or both. And, it makes them have to get off the phone.”
It was just a little thought, but it started taking root. Today, on another call, I was told “don’t put your monologue on loud speaker” in the middle of a sentence.
I shut up. I was gone. Done. I was never speaking again. Never voicing any thought or insight again. Done. Kaput, Finito.
And I kind of knew I was acting childish. But I still wasn’t going to speak again. Especially not to THAT PERSON.
After about a half hour of stewing, my daughter called. After I listened to her, I confessed how I was feeling. “Pick up the phone and get into communication,” she said.
I didn’t want to. I thought I’d be told that this was more monologue.
But I called anyway. And thank God I did. Because the person who said it said she wasn’t speaking to me when she said it. She was saying for others. Not me. And she thanked me for my contribution to the calls.
So I was wrong. Very wrong. And I am very glad that my daughter told me to make the call. Not only was I no longer upset, but I felt happy and free. Amazing.
Then tonight, I was thanked by a coworker who I was kind of afraid of. She’s been venting to me and I was somehow thinking her upset was my fault. (Because that’s what I always think – everything bad is somehow my fault – except the weather and traffic – they usually aren’t because of me).
And I realize I was wrong again. She appreciates that I listen to her and cheer her on. I can do that. I’m good at that. It wasn’t my fault at all.
So, maybe, just maybe, I’m not as bad a person as I think. It’s kind of cool. Maybe it’s just my brain’s automatic negativity and not REAL. (Ya think?)
Cause when things are happening that are uncomfortable, it’s much easier for me to hide behind “I’m wrong” and back down. And stay out of sight for a while. Because I haven’t really trusted my instincts that much. I’d be brave for a while, then get scared and retreat.
But now, armed with compliments, I am going to forge ahead bravely and fight for what I believe in:
SAY WHAT CAN’T BE SAID AND SHARE, AND YOU WILL BE FREE TO CREATE A LIFE OUT HERE THAT YOU LOVE!!!!
What do you think? (Of course I need some validation, right? Guess I’m not quite standing so bravely out there yet, but I’m closer than I was!!!!!)
Have a great night!!!!