Need Some Relief

We’ve got this thing going with my mom. I have three sisters and two brothers.

When I hear something from one of my siblings about my mom, I immediately start thinking there’s a real problem and I, to use a technical term, “lose my shit.”

What is Real?

And what I’m realizing is that it’s hard to sort out what’s real and what’s not. For example my mother is giving money to a “friend” because she says she needs it. That’s a fact.

It breaks my heart because my mother will eat old, moldy food and not throw anything out to save money. She hates spending money. That’s her choice.

Maybe she feels good giving this person her money. I think it’s a fact that the woman has a gambling problem and her sons put her on a budget because of it. It seems like when she blows her rent money gambling, she comes to my mother. It feels like she is taking advantage of my mother.

My mother thinks she is going to pay her back. I am pretty sure she never will. That she can’t.

Is that a problem? It feels like one to me. I don’t want my mother to be used. But who’s choice is it? And, is my mother capable of making good decisions? I don’t know.

Another example: The symphony told her there were no violas in the next concert so she wasn’t needed. According to one sister, she went to a rehearsal with no music and just sat there. That she never knows where her music is. I immediately got embarrassed and humiliated for her. How terrible!! It would make sense that they would politely tell her not to play anymore. That she is no longer able to play. That really makes me sad.

But, according to the other sister, it was one song that she didn’t have the music for and she read from another person’s music. No biggie. And, there are probably just no violas in the next concert and so that makes sense.

What’s the truth? I don’t know.

All I know is that I need a better coping mechanism for this. I can cry when I need to cry.

But am I crying about the “story” or about what’s really happening? I don’t know. I can ask my mother the truth, but is she reliable? I don’t know.

I guess I can just be with the not knowing. And love my family for the different perspectives they bring. And try to get the real “undistorted by people’s perspectives” facts if that’s possible.

And continue to love my mother, however she is. Because I do. And just to be with what is so, without the story.

I’m wishing myself luck. Thanks for listening.

NOTE: I’m rushing and don’t have time to re-read this again. It might not be my best editting job. FYI