Today I woke up in Southampton, NY in a $10 million home. My friend, V, is house and dog sitting and she invited me out. There’s nothing to do but relax and enjoy this gorgeous place.

So why did I wake up with my heart and thoughts racing………

“Get up. It’s time. Do something. V might get mad. She’s doing all the work. You’re missing something,…” etc. etc. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I looked around. “Oh, it’s Saturday.”

I turned over and went to sleep. After all, there’s nothing to do. Yes I wanted to work out, but I have all day. For once I could just sleep as late as I wanted to.

Same thing happened an hour later at 6:30 AM. I finally got up the third time at 7:30. So much for sleeping in.

“You know, the reason I don’t visit people is because I get all stressed out,” I confessed to V this morning. “I worry about the host getting mad, that I’m going to break some unspoken rule, I’ll have to go to the bathroom, have gas, be hungry, or won’t be able to work out. It’s like I’ll become a deaf mute, can’t have what I want, and am an immediate burden. It’s very stressful.”

“But that’s just your mind,” V said very wisely.

“I know. That’s why I’m telling you. To get it out of my mind where it keeps me stuck. Normally I just don’t go so I don’t have to be stressed by my thoughts. And I don’t tell anyone about it. I just hide at home. This is a big deal for me. I’m trying to get some freedom by talking about it.”

“Well, I’m just glad you’re here. There’s no rules and if something is wrong I will tell you. Otherwise, assume it’s all good and you can just relax.”

“OK,” I said.

I think I just get scared when I THINK of staying in someone’s house. Like I won’t be able to speak up, ask for what I want, communicate or do anything. Like a two year old who needs permission to speak. It’s very strange. But in sharing about it instead of being ashamed and keeping it as my private horrible secret, I can get free. I might even be able to enjoy myself and have some FUN. Give up trying to do this right and people please. Wouldn’t that be a novel idea!!!

And hopefully enjoy this weekend with my wonderful friend in this gorgeous setting.

(Hopefully!!!!!! )

This weekend my son, Jesse, daughter, Haley, and ex-husband, Mark, went on a road trip to my sister’s for Passover.

We had over three hours to be in the car together.

I drove at the beginning and Jesse sat in the front. We laughed and talked in goofy accents. Haley was in the back with Mark. She was on her phone and occasionally made derogatory comments about her father.

I could have told her to stop and be nice, but I didn’t. Instead, Jesse and I joined in, calling him “M” and making fun of some of the “dumb” things that he occasionally does.

When we switched drivers, I got in the back with Mark, Jesse drove and Haley sat in the front seat next to him.

I looked at Mark after some more ribbing from the three of us. He is not one to let things get to him, so I was surprised to see him looking hurt. I felt bad. It’s enough, I thought. This is not how I want the ride to be. We are better than this.

“I have an idea,” I said. “Let’s do an exercise that we did in my course last weekend. Let’s go around and tell each other what we like about our relationship with each person.”

This exercise had transformed how I relate to my mother. Instead of her being an annoying person who literally drains me of all positivity, she became someone new. She never withholds her love no matter how bitchy, annoyed and moody I am. She is always there, asking questions and seeing what she can do for me. And I had missed that by only seeing her as a a pain in the ass. I now relate to her as a gift, instead. One that I cherish and feel grateful to have.

That’s a big switch. So I decided what the hell? Could this exercise hurt us?

And that’s what we did. We went around and acknowledged one person at a time by saying what was great about our relationship.

It was amazing. “Instead of seeing myself as a loser, I see myself as a fun, loving contribution who inspires people,” Jesse said. “It totally shifts how I see myself. That was awesome.”

And it was the same for all of us. We all felt better about ourselves and more related to each other. I was proud of my kids, and even Mark. I felt present to the good in them instead of my petty complaints and irritations.

We continued to have empowering conversations the whole weekend. I was proud of my little family unit (even though Mark and I are divorced). And the good feeling and gratefulness has carried through to today which is Monday.

I recommend trying it. Especially when you see things getting ugly. Why not feel acknowledged instead of mean? What can it hurt?

Let me know what happens.

The past week I was eating things I didn’t really want. I felt like crap. I was tired and achy and couldn’t wait until I could go to sleep at the end of the day.

I knew on Tuesday that my weigh in was not going to be good. But it hadn’t been good for the last two weeks when I was really trying, so what was the difference anyway? If I was going to gain, at least I hadn’t deprived myself.

I was up another 1.2 pounds.

“What happened?” Peggy, the weigh in lady, asked. She means well, but I found her question annoying as you can imagine.

I didn’t answer and just went and sat down, feeling pretty uninspired. Finally I raised my hand.

“I tried a new strategy,” I announced to the group. “I ate what I didn’t want and didn’t think I should have. I didn’t hold back at all. Guess what? It didn’t work. I gained another pound.”

Zach, our fearless leader, always puts a positive spin on things.

“That’s good to know,” he said. “Then you know you don’t need to try that one again. So that’s good information.”

“Hmmmmm, guess you’re right,” I said.

People continued. Robin, my friend talked about her struggle with getting active.

“I don’t really feel good about myself,” she said. “I know I should get out and exercise, but I just don’t. I want to feel good again.

I couldn’t help myself. I raised my hand. “Well, I exercise every day and I still don’t feel good. So don’t worry about it. It’s not helping me at all.”

I left there wondering what had happened to me. For years I had lost the weight and kept it off. Why was I now gaining back my weight? What was different?

I thought back to my book. I wrote about how I finally lost the weight I had gained during my marriage. What was different now?

Suddenly it came to me. Just like after I had had my son. I got on the scale and was still up. I became a FAT PERSON. And I started eating like a fat person and gained another 25 pounds.

I had done it again. When I got on the scale and was up, I became a FAT PERSON. And I started eating like one because it DIDN’T MATTER!!!

And it sucked. And it wasn’t the only negative thing I was thinking. All my old favorites came back:

• I’m ugly and fat
• No one can love this
• I suck at work
• Everyone thinks I’m an idiot
• I’m a fat, old, ugly LOSER (FOUL)
• There’s no guys out there anyway, and even if there were, who cares? I’m too tired to have to be nice and positive

I shared my stuckness with my daughter. She recommended listening to Abraham Hicks again. I did. I definitely wasn’t attracting what I wanted. I was attracting what I DIDN’T WANT because that’s what I was focusing on. But that just felt worse. I didn’t know how to be positive anymore.

I decided to try an exercise from my seminar. Instead of resisting the negative, I turned up the volume. I just felt as miserable as I could. Despair was all around me like a blanket. I tried to feel it as much as I could. Just stayed with it instead of making it wrong. It was just a few intense minutes, but something happened.

I suddenly felt free. The octopus released it’s tentacles.

Wow!!! Amazing. Who do I WANT to be? I asked myself. What can I attract instead?Suddenly it came to me:

• I’m a THIN PERSON
• Great guys are pursuing me
• I’m great at helping new people be successful quickly and easily.

I started repeating these 3 things all day. What would a thin person do? I was weird, but I was excited about life.

Every time one of my negative insults was ready to come out when I passed a mirror, I switched it. I’M A THIN PERSON!!!!

It really changed everything. I guess the steps were:

• notice my negativity
• instead of resisting it and thinking I shouldn’t have it, embrace it and turn up the volume
• create a new, empowering thought and repeat it all day, especially when the other ones threaten to take over

It seemed to work. The resignation and despair have dissipated. Even though I’m tired, I can see an exciting future instead of more of the same depressing one my mind had constructed before.

I’m excited to eat healthy and feel great.

I’m excited to be pursued by some great guys.

And I’m excited to help my new people be successful (this one’s a little harder to imagine but that’s ok). I need to make it fun instead of a burden.

We will see what happens. I was nervous to spend the holidays with my family, knowing I would gain weight. But now, I’m a thin person and I will eat accordingly. I know how to do that. It’s not a problem anymore.

I will keep you posted. Have a great day!!!!

I only have 15 minutes to write this.

I’m going to give it a try. And hit PUBLISH no matter how it reads through at that time.

I’ve been talking to a couple of people and I keep hearing them talk about “getting it right.”

I have had a frustrating and exhausting relationship with that phrase all my life.

“I JUST WANT TO GET IT RIGHT!!” I either think or say quite often. It’s like a two year old having a tantrum.

Until one day in a conversation I realized that there is NO RIGHT. It doesn’t exist. We have standards and ideals, advice from others, things we read, etc. People will always give you their opinion or advice if you ask them. But there is actually no BOOK OF RIGHT to guide us. No UNIVERSAL RIGHT way for anything.

And for me, this search for what’s RIGHT has prevented me from speaking up AND taking action.

Today I am giving it up. “You have to be bad to be good,” I just told Robyn this morning. She’s been working on one blog for weeks, trying to get it perfect. I’m sure mine have typos and stuff, but my rule is, read through it two or three times and then push PUBLISH. Otherwise I’d still be working on the first one.

If I worry about what people will think, I’m also frozen into inactivity.

So, my advice if you want it, is make a mess. Do it badly at first if you need to.

Because it’s the process that we love. And if we ruin it with worry, then we won’t have any fun.

How do I know? Because I’ve been hiding my blogs. I don’t tell people about them or really share about them that much.

This week my task is to call WordPress and see how I can make this more user friendly. I hate calling help lines, but in the name of progress and contribution, I will do it. (And I don’t know why this is indented or going to the right, but I don’t have time to figure it out.)

Have a great day, my friends. I love you.

PS I am in a course this weekend on Relating and Relationships. So, I DO love you even though it makes me and probably you uncomfortable for me to say it. This is a bold action. More soon.

The last two days I have been screaming at my ex-husband.

I’ve had about 25 years of pent up resentment and anger and it’s just been spewing out.

Why?

Because I have been living under a false belief that I have to be “pleasant.” And just take whatever is given to me. And because I haven’t admitted that having my ex live with my mother is sometimes very hard to deal with.

You wouldn’t have known it was difficult these past two years. Because I was “fine.” I was a good girl who put others before myself. And if I got mad, I was put back in line by my mother who would always take Mark, my ex’s, side.

“Stop it, Hilary.” She’d say. “Just stop it.”

So I would be a good. I still went to see my mother. And I’d be pleasant. And I would drink an entire bottle of wine and eat more than I had planned to.

I wasn’t conscious to it. I just knew my weight was creeping up. And I couldn’t figure out why until very recently.

“How bad could it be?” you might ask.

I’ll give you an example just from tonight. I called my mother to say I was not coming for dinner. She asks me every night. My son, who’s in town, wanted me to come since he’s staying there. But the thought of going would have involved drinking the entire bottle of red wine I left there over the weekend.

Compared to going home which does not involve thoughts of wine at all.

So I told her I was going home. We talked.

“Mark wants to talk to you,” she said suddenly without asking me if I wanted to talk to him.

“I just wanted to say hi,” he said.

Silence on my part. I had nothing to say to him.

“Are you going to the seminar tomorrow?”

“Yes. Jesse and I are driving alone,” I said.

“I’d like to come with you. I enjoy seeing you with our son,” Mark said.

“Well, I’d like to spend some time with him alone,” I said.

“My take on this,…….” Mark started saying in a tone I knew well. I was going to lose the argument as he told me how this was going to be.

“I don’t want to hear your take,” I interupted. “I simply want to spend time with my son. Why can’t I do that? Why does this have to be a fight? I don’t barge in on your time with him. I’d like to spend some time alone WITH HIM!!!” I yelled. “Why do I have to defend myself? Why is this the inquisition? This is why I am not over there for dinner.”

This went on for a while, escalating until my throat was sore.

“I think I should just hang up,” Mark started saying.

“Fine,” I said and pressed end.

And I was shaking. I drove home realizing that, although I don’t like yelling, being able to speak up is a hell of a lot better than being a pleasant phony and numbing myself with wine.

I’m not used to this new me. And it’s a little weird I have to say.

But it feels pretty great to take care of MYSELF and MY FEELINGS instead of trying to take care of everyone else and sacrifice myself in the process.

Why should I worry about Mark or my mother being upset? Why do I feel obligated to go there even when it doesn’t work for me? Why should I think their questions and accusations are correct? Why can’t I be upset and be alone if I want to be? Or just be alone?

And sometimes I have a higher tolerance for being able to take it than others. A few things have happened in the last week that pushed me over the edge. And I saw my paradigm of thinking I needed to be pleasant. And good. And how limiting that is for my well-being.

And who said pleasant is the right way to be. Plenty of people don’t worry about that. So why should I?

I’m going to experiment with this thing. See what happens.

I can always revert back to pleasant if I need to!!!!

I finally talked to Willa, the woman who I paid to give my book a “read through.” She had to move our talk from Friday to today (Sunday) and I was getting a little impatient to hear what she had to say.

Her comments were better than I ever dared hope for:

• It was inspiring
• I was moved to tears
• It’s good
• Powerful personal voice – I was routing for you – I never lost sight of you
• I was carried along
• It’s got many current issues – weight, divorce, relationships, dreams fulfilled

What I didn’t feel was positive and a little disturbing was the fact that I may need to write under a pseudo name so I don’t get sued because I’m mentioning real people.

Also that I might need permission for mentioning Landmark Worldwide and Weight Watchers. UGH!! More shit to do.

But I’m thinking of names – Prunella was always a name I gave when I was trying to goof on people in college. But then I have to change my nickname. Prunie and Pru just don’t do it for me. Well, I don’t have to figure it out now, but I guess I can make that part fun.

And they are just details. The good news is that it’s 80% done, Willa believes in it and says she can get definitely get it ready to be published. And, she believes “WE” will find a publisher when the time is right.

And that is what I have wanted for a long time. Someone who I can RELY on and who believes in my story and will be a partner. My heart is singing.

I’ve been working on this for so long and keeping it alive with some help but mostly by myself. And I feel like now I can relax. I don’t have the entire burden just on me. And, I can transform the burden into an act of love. Because I believe in my message.

I believe that women can be who they are meant to be, despite who they may have become, especially in marriage or relationships.

So, power to us, women.

Another note: I’ve been listening to Suze Orman’s talk recorded at the Apollo Theater the last couple of days. While I’m driving, she’s been speaking to me about women being empowered. Especially having power about their money. And her message resonates with my women’s empowerment initiative. She is inspiring and does not mince words. She believes in all of us. That we can control our destiny and be Secure, Strong and some other S I can’t remember.

I believe that women are coming of age. I hear it everywhere. It’s not about any negativity towards men. It’s just that our time has come. I can feel the excitement and power in my body just thinking about it.

And it’s really exciting.

Today my Short, Straight and Curly girls had our Sunday call. After a little while, Virginia spoke up and said she didn’t want to participate and was going to “take her marbles and go home.”

Robyn and I stopped talking and asked her to continue.

“I don’t feel heard or included and I don’t feel a part of this. You’re talking about a call and I don’t know anything about it and ………” She kept going until she felt a part of things. We asked her to continue.

“What I really want to tell you about is what happened yesterday. I was talking to my friend, David for three hours about what my message is. We used google so I didn’t have to type with my broken wrist and it just recorded everything. It was really exciting and this is what David paraphrased about who I am.”

I can’t do justice to it right here, but David got the essence of who Virginia is. She wants people to be heard, get who they are, and know they are ok. And once Virginia got to speak about what was in the way of her participation, she was back in the gr0up and excited again.

Meanwhile, back in my little head, I was now suppressed. I had been so excited about sharing about how I met an old high school classmate who was a television producer and looking for a project. I thought it was something the three of us could do. But when Virginia started speaking, I just stopped.

I just sat back like a bad little girl and stayed quiet. Robyn and Virginia talked and I kept my mouth shut.

Finally I spoke. “OK, I’ve been feeling like I was a bad girl by talking so much. It’s my fault that Virginia felt left out.”

They both laughed. “I really felt that way. But look, all I have to do is say it and I’m back alive again. How wild is that? It’s so easy to come back.”

The other day we had a webinar for my Wisdom Assisting team. We went into breakout sessions and talked about what was in the way of team.

“I don’t feel like I belong. I feel like everyone else is united and I am the one on the outside. People don’t like me and I have to watch my time allotment when I speak so I don’t go over MY TIME.”

No one else on the call felt like they belonged either. But the fascinating thing was that once we all said what was in the way, affinity became present. And team.

And I think it’s that simple. Say what’s in the way. Say what you don’t think you can say. And you will have freedom, be able to listen, be included, and create a powerful life.

At least that’s what I say. I’d love to hear your opinions as well. See if you can comment on this blog. I’d love to know.

The other night I was disappointed that my 3 guests didn’t show up to a guest event at my Sex and Intimacy seminar.

I sat in my chair thinking.

• I didn’t do it right. If I had done it right, they’d be here.
• I suck. I’m never inviting anyone again.
• I’m never talking to those people again. Fuck them.
• I hate this.

I realized I was just invalidating myself. I’ve seen this before. OK, I decided to take it to a higher level.

• I’m just upset.
• I’m disappointed. I can just BE with the disappointment.
• I was looking forward to them coming. It’s ok to be disappointed.
• I don’t need to ignore them, I can be gracious.
• It’s all ok.

But as I sat in my chair I could feel a heavy cloak of “I’m a loser.” I wasn’t thinking it, I just WAS it. Everyone else was happy. I was trying to be. I didn’t want to be a downer so I got up and went to the ladies room. I ran into Annamarie. She was my partner and on my women’s empowerment team. I told her I was just trying to be disappointed. “It’s ok,” I mumbled dejectedly.

She looked me in the eyes as I dried my hands.

“Do you know you’re a success?”

“No,” I spit out immediately with a little venom.

“Well, you are.”

I just stared at her. I didn’t FEEL like a success.

“You had two community introductions with 8 guests. Two people’s lives are altered because they registered for the Landmark Forum. You are sharing your heart out and making a difference wherever you go. You ARE a SUCCESS.”

Hmmm, I thought. I tried it on. It felt a lot better than my loser cloak. But if I’m a success, then she is too.

“Well,” I said back to her. “Do you get that YOU are a success?”

“No,” she said immediately.

“Well, you are too. You were my partner, never let up, was reliable, count-onable and powerful. YOU ARE A SUCCESS.”

“Hmmm,” she said. I could tell she was also thinking about it too.

I went back into the room smiling. What if I actually AM a SUCCESS? What if it didn’t mean anything that my guests didn’t show up.

Why should, once again, a disappointment fling me into the land of being a total, unequivocable loser? Why does that happen? Why is it so automatic?

I guess because I’m human. It’s what our brains just do. I didn’t consciously do it. It just happened.

But the real question is why did Annamarie and I have such a hard time considering that we are successes? Why was it so hard to hear and accept?

Why is it easier to think we are losers, not getting it right, not ok, not the one, something is wrong, it’s all our fault, etc.?

That’s what I am looking into, my friends…….. I find it disturbing, yet fascinating and exciting….more about that soon……stay tuned………

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Today I am listening either for Trust.

It has been very insightful. I see to the extent that I don’t trust myself. I expect to be ridiculed or told what an idiot I am.

For example, this morning, I asked whether we were having our district call. I put the question on our group text.

“Read the above text” was the answer from my boss.

I wanted to scream. The text said that he moved our Monday call to Wednesday. And then he moved it to Thursday which is today. Here’s the thing, jerkoff, I wanted to say. We have 2 f—–g calls. I got it about the 9:00 call. I didn’t know about the 8:30 call. All you had to fucking say was no.

But instead I said:

” I thought that was the 9:00 team call dude. I’m thinking that’s a no. Thank you.”

And I sent him a “Have a Nice Day” with an emoji as I was seething.

Then offline I said to just him. “I was just checking. Thought both were moved. Wanted to err on the side of certainty rather than miss your f——g call. It’s a good thing you’re cute.” I was still trying to be nice and not make waves and stay liked. But I wasn’t feeling free yet.

So I sent him the emoji I almost sent to the whole group. It was a HUGE UGLY RED FACED MONSTER with its eyes rolled back. And then, because I was still being wimpy, I followed it with a hee hee, giggling girl.

I felt better communicating but I could see I was embarrassed. I hate feeling that way. And, what I saw yesterday was that I automatically blame myself. “I should have known better.” Like it’s my fault that he was obnoxious and couldn’t just answer the question. Was I not supposed to ask if I was confused and just miss the f——g call?

I can see now that in the past if I’ve been embarrassed, yelled at,spoken to sarcastically or treated poorly I thought it was my fault. Somehow I either deserved it or should have known better. Never or rarely did I stick up for myself.

So today I am listening for Trust. Especially trusting myself. If I ask a question it’s because I want the answer. If someone is rude, it’s not my fault. If I get embarrassed, I just get embarrassed.

I CAN TRUST MYSELF!!!! I’m actually quite smart so I don’t know where I got the idea that I should have known better, but, who cares? That is being put in the past right now.

I CAN TRUST MYSELF!!! And, don’t mess with me. Cause I will give it right back to you. No more self-blaming victim.

I am woman, hear me roar!!!! (Thank you, Helen Reddy).

Wish me luck. AND, definitely don’t mess with me.

I am so excited. Robyn, Virginia and I are working together.

We all want to be speakers and left to our own devices, have not been in action about it. Robyn and I started speaking two weeks ago. We started giving ourselves action items and reporting on what we did the next week.

We just added Virginia to our call this morning and it was awesome. There was a synchronicity and electricity as soon as we said hello.

I wanted to call us Short, Straight and Curly, but Robyn and Virginia removed the Short from the title. Now we are simply “Straight and Curly.” So that’s what we are calling ourselves.

We are in action. We are empowering each other. We see in each other what we, as ourselves, can not see.

“You created this,” Virginia said to me today.

“I did?”

“Yes, don’t you see it?”

“No, I just thought everyone created stuff like this.”

“NO. They don’t. This is what YOU do.”

“Wow, that’s really amazing. I didn’t even know.”

And stuff like that. And I see Robyn’s gift of seeing the soul in all of us and helping us get in touch with that part of ourselves. And Virginia is an incredible healer, artist, and actress. We all have powerful messages. And they are unique. And we are in action following our dreams and passion.

Before I was just talking about it like some day one day maybe I would I mean I really wanted to but didn’t know how so whatever kind of thing……………

This is way more exciting.

Get ready, here we come!!!!