Trusting MYSELF

Today I am listening either for Trust.

It has been very insightful. I see to the extent that I don’t trust myself. I expect to be ridiculed or told what an idiot I am.

For example, this morning, I asked whether we were having our district call. I put the question on our group text.

“Read the above text” was the answer from my boss.

I wanted to scream. The text said that he moved our Monday call to Wednesday. And then he moved it to Thursday which is today. Here’s the thing, jerkoff, I wanted to say. We have 2 f—–g calls. I got it about the 9:00 call. I didn’t know about the 8:30 call. All you had to fucking say was no.

But instead I said:

” I thought that was the 9:00 team call dude. I’m thinking that’s a no. Thank you.”

And I sent him a “Have a Nice Day” with an emoji as I was seething.

Then offline I said to just him. “I was just checking. Thought both were moved. Wanted to err on the side of certainty rather than miss your f——g call. It’s a good thing you’re cute.” I was still trying to be nice and not make waves and stay liked. But I wasn’t feeling free yet.

So I sent him the emoji I almost sent to the whole group. It was a HUGE UGLY RED FACED MONSTER with its eyes rolled back. And then, because I was still being wimpy, I followed it with a hee hee, giggling girl.

I felt better communicating but I could see I was embarrassed. I hate feeling that way. And, what I saw yesterday was that I automatically blame myself. “I should have known better.” Like it’s my fault that he was obnoxious and couldn’t just answer the question. Was I not supposed to ask if I was confused and just miss the f——g call?

I can see now that in the past if I’ve been embarrassed, yelled at,spoken to sarcastically or treated poorly I thought it was my fault. Somehow I either deserved it or should have known better. Never or rarely did I stick up for myself.

So today I am listening for Trust. Especially trusting myself. If I ask a question it’s because I want the answer. If someone is rude, it’s not my fault. If I get embarrassed, I just get embarrassed.

I CAN TRUST MYSELF!!!! I’m actually quite smart so I don’t know where I got the idea that I should have known better, but, who cares? That is being put in the past right now.

I CAN TRUST MYSELF!!! And, don’t mess with me. Cause I will give it right back to you. No more self-blaming victim.

I am woman, hear me roar!!!! (Thank you, Helen Reddy).

Wish me luck. AND, definitely don’t mess with me.