Getting Out of My Rut

Today I woke up in Southampton, NY in a $10 million home. My friend, V, is house and dog sitting and she invited me out. There’s nothing to do but relax and enjoy this gorgeous place.

So why did I wake up with my heart and thoughts racing………

“Get up. It’s time. Do something. V might get mad. She’s doing all the work. You’re missing something,…” etc. etc. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I looked around. “Oh, it’s Saturday.”

I turned over and went to sleep. After all, there’s nothing to do. Yes I wanted to work out, but I have all day. For once I could just sleep as late as I wanted to.

Same thing happened an hour later at 6:30 AM. I finally got up the third time at 7:30. So much for sleeping in.

“You know, the reason I don’t visit people is because I get all stressed out,” I confessed to V this morning. “I worry about the host getting mad, that I’m going to break some unspoken rule, I’ll have to go to the bathroom, have gas, be hungry, or won’t be able to work out. It’s like I’ll become a deaf mute, can’t have what I want, and am an immediate burden. It’s very stressful.”

“But that’s just your mind,” V said very wisely.

“I know. That’s why I’m telling you. To get it out of my mind where it keeps me stuck. Normally I just don’t go so I don’t have to be stressed by my thoughts. And I don’t tell anyone about it. I just hide at home. This is a big deal for me. I’m trying to get some freedom by talking about it.”

“Well, I’m just glad you’re here. There’s no rules and if something is wrong I will tell you. Otherwise, assume it’s all good and you can just relax.”

“OK,” I said.

I think I just get scared when I THINK of staying in someone’s house. Like I won’t be able to speak up, ask for what I want, communicate or do anything. Like a two year old who needs permission to speak. It’s very strange. But in sharing about it instead of being ashamed and keeping it as my private horrible secret, I can get free. I might even be able to enjoy myself and have some FUN. Give up trying to do this right and people please. Wouldn’t that be a novel idea!!!

And hopefully enjoy this weekend with my wonderful friend in this gorgeous setting.

(Hopefully!!!!!! )

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