The past week I was eating things I didn’t really want. I felt like crap. I was tired and achy and couldn’t wait until I could go to sleep at the end of the day.
I knew on Tuesday that my weigh in was not going to be good. But it hadn’t been good for the last two weeks when I was really trying, so what was the difference anyway? If I was going to gain, at least I hadn’t deprived myself.
I was up another 1.2 pounds.
“What happened?” Peggy, the weigh in lady, asked. She means well, but I found her question annoying as you can imagine.
I didn’t answer and just went and sat down, feeling pretty uninspired. Finally I raised my hand.
“I tried a new strategy,” I announced to the group. “I ate what I didn’t want and didn’t think I should have. I didn’t hold back at all. Guess what? It didn’t work. I gained another pound.”
Zach, our fearless leader, always puts a positive spin on things.
“That’s good to know,” he said. “Then you know you don’t need to try that one again. So that’s good information.”
“Hmmmmm, guess you’re right,” I said.
People continued. Robin, my friend talked about her struggle with getting active.
“I don’t really feel good about myself,” she said. “I know I should get out and exercise, but I just don’t. I want to feel good again.
I couldn’t help myself. I raised my hand. “Well, I exercise every day and I still don’t feel good. So don’t worry about it. It’s not helping me at all.”
I left there wondering what had happened to me. For years I had lost the weight and kept it off. Why was I now gaining back my weight? What was different?
I thought back to my book. I wrote about how I finally lost the weight I had gained during my marriage. What was different now?
Suddenly it came to me. Just like after I had had my son. I got on the scale and was still up. I became a FAT PERSON. And I started eating like a fat person and gained another 25 pounds.
I had done it again. When I got on the scale and was up, I became a FAT PERSON. And I started eating like one because it DIDN’T MATTER!!!
And it sucked. And it wasn’t the only negative thing I was thinking. All my old favorites came back:
- I’m ugly and fat
- No one can love this
- I suck at work
- Everyone thinks I’m an idiot
- I’m a fat, old, ugly LOSER (FOUL)
- There’s no guys out there anyway, and even if there were, who cares? I’m too tired to have to be nice and positive
I shared my stuckness with my daughter. She recommended listening to Abraham Hicks again. I did. I definitely wasn’t attracting what I wanted. I was attracting what I DIDN’T WANT because that’s what I was focusing on. But that just felt worse. I didn’t know how to be positive anymore.
I decided to try an exercise from my seminar. Instead of resisting the negative, I turned up the volume. I just felt as miserable as I could. Despair was all around me like a blanket. I tried to feel it as much as I could. Just stayed with it instead of making it wrong. It was just a few intense minutes, but something happened.
I suddenly felt free. The octopus released it’s tentacles.
Wow!!! Amazing. Who do I WANT to be? I asked myself. What can I attract instead?Suddenly it came to me:
- I’m a THIN PERSON
- Great guys are pursuing me
- I’m great at helping new people be successful quickly and easily.
I started repeating these 3 things all day. What would a thin person do? I was weird, but I was excited about life.
Every time one of my negative insults was ready to come out when I passed a mirror, I switched it. I’M A THIN PERSON!!!!
It really changed everything. I guess the steps were:
- notice my negativity
- instead of resisting it and thinking I shouldn’t have it, embrace it and turn up the volume
- create a new, empowering thought and repeat it all day, especially when the other ones threaten to take over
It seemed to work. The resignation and despair have dissipated. Even though I’m tired, I can see an exciting future instead of more of the same depressing one my mind had constructed before.
I’m excited to eat healthy and feel great.
I’m excited to be pursued by some great guys.
And I’m excited to help my new people be successful (this one’s a little harder to imagine but that’s ok). I need to make it fun instead of a burden.
We will see what happens. I was nervous to spend the holidays with my family, knowing I would gain weight. But now, I’m a thin person and I will eat accordingly. I know how to do that. It’s not a problem anymore.
I will keep you posted. Have a great day!!!!