I know I’m being a victim.

I’m not enjoying my life and I’m not having fun.

Why?

Funny you should ask. I know I’m taking everything personally. And I really just need a good cry. But in the meantime, I’ll just VENT. No advice, please. No coaching. No comments. I already know I’m being a jerk.

Situation 1:

My daughter’s boyfriend flew in from Australia last night. My daughter, Haley, and her father (my ex) went to pick him up this morning. I was at the gym.

“We are ten minutes away from the Edge,” Haley said. I texted her where my car was. I had her clean laundry in my car.

“OK. I’ll see you soon.”

I hung up the phone excited to meet Mav and see Haley. I skipped stretching and stood by the front door after ten minutes had passed. I watched for their car.

After a few minutes I called her. “Where are you?”

“We are at Stew Leonard’s buying bagels.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I guess I won’t wait here anymore.” I grabbed my bag and stomped to my car. “What the fuck? I’ve been standing here like an ass hole waiting for you. Guess I’m an ass hole for thinking you were coming. I thought you got off the highway to see me. Fuck me………”

I haven’t stopped ranting since. And that was 5 hours ago.

Unlike my ex-husband, son and daughter, I work. I don’t have time to hang out and lollygag around wondering how the wind is going to blow. Maybe I’m a little self-righteous about it and victimized by my work schedule, but I also like to be able to pay my bills. I don’t live for free at my mother’s house like my ex-husband does. I feel better about myself when I am paying my own way. (Just an aside since I’m on a roll).

Apparently my ex told Haley that I’d be available at 7:30 instead of the time we picked which was 7:15. That was not the case. I had to run to weight watchers, get weighed, take a shower back at the gym, go to the meeting, and then get to Waterbury for a client meeting. That was my only free window of time since I cut short my stretching.

How the fuck would Mark know when I was available when I didn’t even speak to him? Why would she say ten minutes and then just blow me off?

Why is this even a big deal? Why am I still so mad hours later? It was just a miscommunication.

True.

But for me, it’s my life. It’s my two year old incident.

Being lied to.

Being left in the driveway.

Not mattering.

Being blown off.

And then, when I’m upset, being told it was JUST A MISCOMMUNICATION!!!

And to make it worse, my mother tells me “you really need to meet Mav.”

I REALLY lost any remaining sanity and started screaming at her.

So let’s add it all up:

I’m a screaming lunatic victim who is not accepting apologies. Who’s making a big deal out of a mere miscommunication. And I know I’m being a jerk and I’m wrong for being one.

I could be gracious and admit it was just a mistake. But I am not.

I WANT THEM TO SUFFER!!

I WANT TO BE RIGHT ABOUT HOW I DON’T MATTER!! I’M IRRELEVANT!! IT’S ALWAYS LIKE THIS WITH MARK!!! I’M THE LAST ONE TO KNOW THAT HE HAS CHANGED THE PLANS!! I’M STANDING THERE WAITING LIKE A FUCKING ASS HOLE ONCE AGAIN!!! And then he acts all innocent so I look like the FUCKING BITCH!!!!!

Situation 2:

One of my weight watcher friends asked me why I was surprised that they were treating me this way. “This is not a new thing,” she said.

Made me feel worse.

Situation 3:

One client told me she’d call me right back. She hasn’t and never does. Two other potential clients told me they are not interested and to delete them. One said he only told me to follow up to get rid of me. What a DICK!!!!!! I wrote his restaurant a really bad review. And I stared at it.

But I didn’t press post. Because I knew it would look bad on me.

I know intellectually that he’s not responding to me.

Instead of wanting to punish people for an incident that happened when I was two, I could be a little more mature. I could forgive instead of suffer.

And I will. Just give me a few more minutes to feel stupid and angry. To be a victim.

And then I will apologize for my childish behavior……..

OK, not right now, but real soon……..

The miraculous thing is that just being able to vent this has released it’s grip on me. A little bit. I might be able to let it go………………soon.

I’ll let you know when.

This weekend I was at a conference.  One of the guest speakers was Robin Quivers who has starred on the Howard Stern show for over 3o years.

She talked about setting goals, her life and her success.

I was interested because I have been a very good goal setter and goal achiever. But I have never reached the kind of success that Robin spoke about. Her story intrigued me.

“I could never have set goals to achieve what Howard and I have accomplished,”  Robin said.  “I just enjoyed every day.  We went where no one has been, simply by doing what we loved and having fun.   We could never have predicted the kind of success that we have created.  It didn’t exist when we started.” (The quote is what I remember, not word for word verbatim…….)

This contrasted to earlier in her life when Robin was a nurse, serving in the air force, and struggling to find what would make her happy.

Stumbling upon broadcasting, meeting a mentor who opened some doors, and meeting Howard set her on her life’s path.  I found her message fascinating and thought provoking.

I was taught that goals were what there was to do.  I went to business school and had coaches.  Specific measurable results was “doing it right.”  Yet for me, something was missing.

Enjoying every day?  Following my joy?  Letting go and letting it happen?  Being in the flow?  Not easy for a task oriented person like myself.

What is my calling?  I ask myself most days.  I struggle to define it.

Maybe it’s empowering people to create lives that they love.  Being their REAL self, free from the limits that our brains put on us.  Following our passions, being loved just as we are, being connected.

For me, sharing authentically and really listening gives me a sense of purpose. Writing and making people laugh gives me joy.

I don’t know where this will lead me, but I feel that when I am listening in a certain way, discovering new ways to create freedom, and inspiring people with my authentic sharing and humor, that I am in the flow. When I am not afraid to be my true, outrageous self. Not worrying about being annoying or obnoxious. Being loud and a little crazy.

I can feel when I am in it.  I can tell when I am not.

As we learned this week, everything takes practice.  We are not a certain stuck way.  All we can do is practice every day being how we are called to be.  And create lives that we love.

I thank Robin for an inspiring and empowering talk.

PS I wrote this yesterday and today, I was not in the flow. I was tired and irritated. I guess that’s why it takes practice. Because I’m not very good at enjoying every moment – YET!!!!!!

I showed my daughter,Haley, an old picture of the two of us that I had found on my phone.

“Don’t I look fat, though?” I asked after she said she liked the picture.

“Mom, if you keep thinking like that you will keep attracting what you don’t want.”

“I know that, but……..” I tried to say defensively. I already know that, don’t I?

She told me a story of two of her friends. One lost weight because she was speaking about what she wanted to attract. One “got ugly” because she was always afraid she was. Whatever that means, I get the point.

Why don’t I remember this? My brain is so “to the negative” and it seems so true.

“You look good,” some of my weight watchers friends told me last week. It was the end of our meeting. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror.

“I can’t look good at this weight,” my mind automatically told me. “They’re just being nice.”

I went back out. “Do you REALLY think so?” I asked Maria. “Are you just saying it because you’re a nice person?”

“No. I really mean it. You look great. I haven’t been around for a while and I was noticing how good you looked from across the room.”

Another friend wrote me a note: “You are extremely fit. You are amazingly fit.” And it doesn’t say FAT, it says FIT, she said.

Today at the gym a guy I know suggested I row.

“You can get a really high metabolic work out.”

I heard it as “you really need to lose weight and this will help.”

Yesterday, after Haley’s positive lecture, I still walked around Hollywood where we are staying as if I was fat and ugly. I just was.

At dinner, I went into the ladies room. I looked at myself.

I did look good. My legs did look fit and muscular and not the huge tree trunks I always imagine. My face looked pretty and not the round too fat face I thought would be looking back at me. The pink of my shirt gave me a healthy nice look. It didn’t make me look obese as I had thought while we were walking.

I came back to the table. “I actually look pretty good.” I said.

Haley’s friend Laurence agreed. “I was going to tell you how good you look,” he said. “Better than you looked when I saw you last year.”

“Did I look terrible last year?” I asked. I couldn’t help myself.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying you look good now.”

“Oh, ok.” See how automatic it is.

I guess if I’ve spent my many years thinking negatively, it’s not going to change immediately.

My brain will keep telling me I’m fat, but I can SAY something different.

“I AM HAPPY AND I LOOK FUCKING AMAZING!!!” I can say.

“I AM HAPPY, LIVE IN ABUNDANCE, LOOK FABULOUS, and HAVE A GREAT LIFE!!”

“I AM HAPPY, LIVE IN ABUNDANCE, LOOK FABULOUS, HAVE A GREAT LIFE, AND I AM ATTRACTING AN AMAZING MAN TO BE MY LIFE PARTNER AND LIVE MY DREAM LIFE ADVENTURE”

Well, it’s going to take some work. Not to be negative, but I’ve said this kind of thing before, just a couple of blogs ago. I guess I just forgot. It’s not bad, I just forget.

Because I’m a human being. And I’m perfect just as I am.

And so are you.

In our wisdom weekend, I raised my hand to demonstrate my relationship resignation.

“I’ve given up. I don’t even try anymore.”

“Well, what’s your possibility for relationships?” Joyce asked.

“Having an empowering partnership.”

“That’s in the world of having,” Joyce explained. She pointed to the board. There were 3 circles. Having was the circle on the right.

“Well, I don’t know what to do, so I stopped doing anything,” I said. “I thought that was my problem.”

“That’s in the circle of doing,” She pointed to the middle circle.

The circle on the left was called Being.

“How are you being when you are resigned?” Joyce asked.

I didn’t know. I was blank. Joyce asked the other participants the same question. They shouted out their answers. Angry. Sad. Annoyed. Bossy. Right.

What was my answer? In relationships, I am always upset about something.

“Dissatisfied,” I said. “I am BEING dissatisfied.”

“What’s a new possibility you’d like to invent?” Joyce asked me.

Hmmmmm. What did I always want in relationships?

“To be HAPPY!” I yelled. Where did that come from? I wondered.

I felt different. I felt alive. My molecules had realigned just by my speaking.

Joyce walked over to me. She looked me in the eyes. “How are you?” Joyce asked.

“HAPPY!” I yelled. We repeated this several times.

“Who’s enrolled in this possibility?” she asked the rest of the people.

I couldn’t believe it. Almost everyone had their hand up.

“Are they enrolled in my possibility or their own for being happy?” I asked.

“Possibility is not any one person’s,” Joyce explained. “It’s universal. They are enrolled in the possibility itself.”

Wow. It was so easy.

I went around saying “I’m HAPPY” the rest of the day. People smiled.

I have to admit, though, that I fully expected someone to tell me to shut up and go back to being miserable. Wasn’t I being annoying being so HAPPY?

It’s really kind of funny. And a little sad. That I think people would prefer me to be miserable over being happy.

The truth is that no one got annoyed. Instead they smiled back and gave me the thumbs up.

Throughout the day I sometimes forgot. I’d be muttering about something and thinking there was something wrong.

“How are you?” Someone would ask.

“Oh, right, I forgot. I’m HAPPY,” I’d say. And I would smile and stop complaining.

It was as simple as saying it.

Try it. See what happens for you. You might just get HAPPY.

Have a happy freaking day!!!!!!

I just had a Wisdom Weekend in NYC.

We looked at resignation and the different phases of it.

We looked at where in our life resignation occurs as normal.

How we can just kill off possibility – our own and others.

And where we wait for someday, one day, and don’t take action on our dreams.

I shared about how I am resigned about relationships.  I thought I was doing well going from victim to complacent.

Normal is “I’m alone and I’m ok with that.”

Really?

My dream has always been to be in a wonderful, romantic loving relationship with a passionate, empowered, loyal man.

Well, that dream was buried under high levels of guck:

• Don’t want to get hurt again
• I pick the wrong guys
• Look what happened in my marriage
• The last guy (and several before) lied about being married/available
• It starts off great and then something happens and it’s different
• I get pathetic and needy and I hate that
• It’s just easier to be alone.

One of the women shared about her childhood.  Her mom was busy and she didn’t want to “bother her.” 

She learned to be independent and self-sufficient.  Didn’t need anyone else.  “I got this.”  Kind of life. Worked hard.

My eyes leaked for the next hour.

That was me.  I don’t want to bother anyone.  I was very busy doing a lot of stuff. No time for people.

“What you can’t be with, you avoid………”

And there was more.  I hated that I was upset as a child.  “Don’t be upset” I was told.

I avoid upsetting other people. 

Instead of speaking up, I leave.  I just get rid of people.  I don’t tell them why.  I just go away.

We were having lunch yesterday and a guy at our table made an obnoxious comment. 

I didn’t like it.  I decided I didn’t like this table or him.  After a couple of minutes of misery, I got up and left. I sat with some different people on the other side of the restaurant.

I liked it better over there.

I saw him later that day. “Why did you leave? Dona said you were mad at me about something.”

Hmmm, I thought. I guess Dona told him. What to do? Guess I can go for it……..

“Well…………..I didn’t like when you said X…….  But I didn’t say anything.  I just decided I didn’t like you or that group.  No one was talking to me. So I left.”

“OK, anything else?”  I looked at him.  He really got it.  He wasn’t upset.  He was smiling at me.

I thought about it. “No…….Thanks. I feel much better now. ”  I gave him a big hug. 

Wow. I felt free.  He wasn’t upset.  I was no longer upset.  I felt love for myself and others return.  It wasn’t a big deal anymore. It was quite simple. I felt connected to other humans.

When I’m upset, I think I shouldn’t be.  I try to talk myself out of it which makes it worse.  I tell myself there’s something wrong with me. I’m better off being alone so no one can see how miserable I am. I leave.

I jam myself into being silent. And it sucks.

I have a choice now.  I can “say what can’t be said.”  I can communicate.  I can feel alive and connected.

I can keep practicing this.  Even if I do it poorly, it’s better than being silent, disconnected and resigned that this is as good as it gets. I knew this before and I just forgot.

All I have to do is open my mouth and share what’s really there.  No one has gotten upset and left me for doing it. 

YET my brain is screaming.  They haven’t left you YET!!!!!

Thank you for sharing, brain.

I’d much rather be free than listen to your resigned advice.

I choose FREEDOM.

I’ve had some unexpected expenses the past few weeks.

And before that I bought some new clothes.

Rather than keeping my credit card balance at 0, it has now crept up again.

And my mind wants to jump to:

• something is wrong
• I’m going to die
• I’m out of control
• I’m going in the wrong direction
• HELP ME!!!
• My balance is going to keep going up and there’s NOTHING I CAN DO!!
• I’m helpless and powerless
• I had it perfect and I blew it
• PANIC AND FEAR AND FULL BLOWN BODY SENSATIONS OF TIGHT CHEST, HEADACHE, CAN’T BREATHE

It’s really amazing. And it’s just like when I think I’m gaining weight. Or when I wake up in a panic. It’s the similar thoughts and body sensations.

This week I’ve had the following expenses:

• new brakes
• new tires
• more money to my boss for rent, contests and recruiting
• taxes
• and next week the upcoming trip to Los Angeles

Being afraid isn’t going to help me. Each time I’ve been aware of my discomfort, I’ve changed my thoughts from fear to:

• ABUNDANCE
• I am living in ABUNDANCE

And I take a deep breath. And my whole body relaxes.

I guess I’ve had this ongoing thing……when I feel out of control, I get afraid. And then I try to control things. And it seems then that things get worse. I spend more, or eat more, or worry more.

It doesn’t help AT ALL.

So if I think I’m a thin person or I’m living in abundance or I am successful, my being and energy changes.

I’ve been listening to the Oprah Super Soul Sunday podcasts. They talk about being a channel for universal energy (probably not what they called it but I can’t remember their exact words right now). I actually feel different when I stop trying to control things and let them happen.

And wonder why I’ve always focused on what I’m afraid of? I guess it doesn’t matter, it’s just being human.

Well now, I am feeling calm. And imagining what I REALLY WANT:

• a fit healthy trim body
• abundance
• a great partnership with a loving, faithful man
• a fulfilled, happy, prospering family
• spreading love and acceptance around the world
• creating a connecting, loving world community

And that feels much calmer and much more peaceful. Instead of worrying about whether I am packing the right clothes for my trip, I can calmly sort through the piles of potential clothes and just be calm. (Well, I’m not sure if I can do that yet, but I’ll certainly work on it tomorrow. Packing is not my best thing right now.)

Oops – I’ll use the new technique. I am a smart and wonderful packer. That takes off the pressure of trying to “get it right”.

See how easy it is…….ok, more later.

Jesse, my son and I were sitting out on my deck with my friend, Laura. We were enjoying the day.

“I’m going to go back to Minneapolis,” I head Jesse say to Laura.

“What? When did you decide this?” I interrupted.

“Yesterday.”

“When will you be leaving?” I asked.

“Two weeks.”

I figured out what date that was. “So you won’t be here for my birthday.”

I just sat there, not moving. Something changed. Instead of being happy to be with Jesse I was now annoyed. “What a loser,” I thought instead of being proud. Suddenly he was just very wrong.

“When did you decide this? Aunt Sherry probably already knows. How come you tell Aunt Sherry everything? How come I have to find out everything from her? Why don’t you tell me anything? Why don’t you want to talk to me? Why do you have long conversations with her and with me you are distracted and don’t have time?” I kept hammering him with questions.

“You’re sounding a little like a victim,” my friend, Laura interrupted. “I thought you gave that up at the seminar the other night.”

“Yes,” Jesse agreed. “You do.”

“Fuck you both,” I wanted to say. But I could see they were right. I was presenting evidence for why he treated my sister better than me. I WAS being a victim.

“Wow,” I said instead. I looked to see what triggered it this time. I stared at the waves.

“It’s disappointment again. It’s the same thing as yesterday. Wow, that’s amazing. I became a victim instead of recognizing I was disappointed.”

I sat with the disappointment for a moment. “I guess I was really looking forward to having you here on my birthday. Haley won’t be here and now you won’t either.” I started crying. “I just wanted it to be a special day since it’s such a big one. I wanted to have my kids with me.” The tears were coming down now. I have a thing about my birthday. Another victim thing. “I can never have what I want – especially on my birthday.”

I got up to get the tissues.

“I’ll be here,” Laura said. “You’ll have me. Give me the dates and I’ll put them in my calendar.”

“Thanks,” I said.

“And you never know, maybe I’ll fly back to see you,” Jesse said.

I doubt it, I thought. You won’t. Oops. I was already back to victim. I kept wanting to pick a fight and be right. This was very interesting to notice.

I can plan and invite and tell people what I want. I can have the day be really special.

Or, I can do what I usually do. Casually mention it to people with no details, no follow up, and then be right about how people don’t show up. And be upset the whole day. That’s what’s predictable.

It’s kind of fascinating. And good to see.

Will I be empowered by victim or BE the victim.

I think I’ll get planning. And design my birthday exactly how I’ve always wanted it to be.

And create having a GREAT BIRTHDAY!!!!!

I’m still trying to figure out the “empowered by” victim thing.

I thought I had it a couple of days ago. I was flying high, loving life, all about other people, no suffering, and having fun………

Suddenly, Friday night, I found myself eating what I knew were not “good choices” while out with a business associate. I had two vodka drinks with the fried calamari and zuchini and flat bread pizza.

No problem if I had stopped there. I could have, but I didn’t. I hadn’t seen my mom in a couple of weeks and had told her I would come over. She’s all about feeding me dinner and I didn’t tell her that no, I was full, and didn’t need to eat anymore.

Instead, I got there and opened a bottle of red wine. I didn’t know why I felt compelled to drink the whole thing. I tried to, but thankfully, after the second glass plus the salmon dinner I started feeling really sick and uncomfortable so I stopped.

“Why did I do that?” I wondered. All I wanted to do was sleep and escape reality. Even though I was supposed to be hanging out with my mom. It was strange.

The next day I looked for what triggered this sudden visit from my victimized, miserable self. My “I’m a thin person” had disappeared along with the world is a wonderful loving place where everyone is perfect as they are. That world was gonzo.

I was fat and old and ugly and nothing was right and it was all my fault.

Driving to the gym the next morning, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I called my coach. I needed to figure out what happened. I recorded and deleted 3 voicemails, talking until I figured it out. Here’s what happened:

1. Yesterday I had found out that I couldn’t pursue a new source of income because I was unwilling to lie on an application. If I had known that ahead of time, I wouldn’t have wasted two months filling out endless forms, getting fingerprinted, and being frustrated by the never ending process. I had been looking forward to generating some big commissions and doing something new. I was simply disappointed and hadn’t recognized it.
2. I had ordered cards for my “poster” presentation coming up in Los Angeles. They were waiting for me when I got to my mother’s house. I was horrified when I looked at the 1000 I had ordered. Yes folks, for only $9.00 more I had ordered another 500. I felt like an idiot. The margins were uneven and the writing was practically cut off at the bottom. I had been looking forward to seeing how great they looked. Instead, I was disappointed.
3. I had been busy every night the past week, hadn’t gotten enough sleep and had a lot to do to get organized. I thought if I could just have a day to catch up, I’d be happy. But this, my friends, was a trap. Because even if I got caught up, there will always be more things to do. The to do list never ends. Instead, I could just choose to be happy now.

I left my coach a fourth message which I didn’t delete. I summed up what had happened and didn’t need to tell the gory details. It was simple. Once again, I hadn’t recognized that I was disappointed. Instead, I became a victim, blamed myself for what went wrong – I should have known better – and numbed myself with food and alcohol. And outlined my action steps:

1. I experienced my disappointment. It took about one minute
2. I made a list of what I needed to do, what was the top priority for the day, and scheduled when I would do the rest of the items.

RESULT:

I ended up having a busy and productive day. I finished the poem for Renee’s 60th birthday, and had it printed and framed. I even bought a pretty gift bag and tissue paper and wrapped it beautifully. This was a big deal for me to get done in one day.

I spent the day being present, enjoying the people around me, and having a great time at Renee’s birthday dinner.

I guess, in the end, you could say I was “empowered by my victimhood.” I recognized it, distinguished the source, developed an action plan and followed it. I presented my good friend with a unique gift of acknowledgement and was proud of my work. What a difference from how the day began.

Pretty cool, eh?

I have created a new context for my life. Last night my context was: angry brat who seeks revenge on anyone who has done me wrong.

I couldn’t figure out how to get out of being the brat. And, I will admit, a part of me was enjoying it. I was wearing my “CAPE OF REVENGE” and envisioning all sorts of ways to “get people back.” Blood, destruction, harm, etc. It was way more violent than I’d like to admit.

As much as I liked it, I knew that wasn’t who I wanted to be. I decided to use my initiative, “saying what can’t be said.” I reached out to Shereen, my seminar leader, since she was the one I wanted to punish.

Why would I want to do that? Good question.

Here’s what happened:

I was a substitute on the group leader call. I shared something. Then, later when I wanted to share again, Shereen said that instead of calling on me, she wanted to give the other people a chance to say something.

Not a big deal. Logically I knew that made sense. Of course the other people should share.

I was fine, right?

Not really. I didn’t listen to a word that was said after that. I did other work on my computer, answered texts, and prepared my to do list for the next day. And, after the call I decided that instead of sitting in the front row like usual at the seminar tomorrow, I was going to sit in the back, not pay attention, endure it, and go home. I was done with participating at Landmark and in the world. Fuck them all, my mind was saying. Fuck THEM ALL!!!!

I confessed my brattiness to Shereen. “I know it’s immature, but it’s not really giving me any freedom to know that.”

“Well, what kind of person needs to get people back?” Shereen asked.

Hmmmmmmmm………”A victim,” I said.

“And there’s nothing wrong with that. We all enjoy being the victim at times.”

“I hate to admit that I’m a victim,” I said. “It seems shameful and wrong and bad.”

“Well, you could actually be empowered by it.”

“How?” I asked.

We talked for a while. Most of what I said was still “being hurt by someone,” wanting to get them back, not being REALLY open to relationships, aka still a victim.

“What’s a new context you could create?” she asked.

I didn’t know. Everything I thought of was a fix for not getting hurt and trying not to be left.

“What my dream has been since I was little is to have a really great, loving relationship with a man – passion, empowerment, feeling secure, safe, travelling, financial abundance, etc.” I said. “I don’t say it anymore because I’ve been too resigned…… There’s something wrong with me. I pick the wrong ones. They lie………I guess that’s more of being a victim, isn’t it?”

“Well, how would you be in that dream relationship?”

I thought about it. I couldn’t figure it out. I was on my way to meet my boss and his boss. I wanted them to acknowledge me. I could see that was also a fix.

“There’s not enough acknowledgement in the world to have you feel ok,”Shereen said. It was all still in the victim paradigm.

“Damn,” I said. “How do I get out of this?”

“Keep looking.”

I made the last turn, driving through a closed road. After a conversation with the police officer who told me not to take that route anymore, I almost gave up. “I don’t know.”

Driving past the barrier at the other end of the closed road, I kept thinking.

“Empowered,” popped out of my mouth. “My new context is “Empowering partnerships. Everywhere and with everyone. That’s not a fix. That’s exciting. And my dream relationship would be a part of that.”

I knew I had it. I could feel it in my bones. We got off the phone and I had am amazing review with the boss’s. They were impressed with my plan and how I was working with my people. I felt alive and free. Powerful.

Thank God I called Shereen when I did. It was perfect timing. I got to choose empowering partnerships instead of going in as a victim. Boy would that have sucked. Phew.

And I still feel empowered. Part of my brain is saying “don’t worry, it won’t last.”

But the other part is FIRED UP!!!!!

So wish me luck. I’ll keep you posted. Have a great day!!!!!

My pet peeve is drama. Not because I don’t like it, but because so many people talk about it.

What the hell is it? I’ve been asking people.

They can’t even answer.

“Ya know, drama.”

“When someone’s upset.”

“When someone is complaining.”

I’m sorry, but that doesn’t help me understand it. I still don’t know what it is. And then there are the comments:

“I’m in a no drama zone.”

“I can’t deal with her drama.”

And my really pet favorite: “She’s a drama queen.”

Why do I hate it so much? Because I’ve been called one. And I think it’s a bad thing. So when someone talks about drama, I take it personally.

Because for me, being upset is actually a freedom. Sharing what is really bothering me is a pathway to freedom. And having someone listen to me like what I am saying matters, is a true gift.

I’m pretty sure that the people who have drama meters stop listening when they “label” something as drama. And they start listening through the filter of “here she goes again. When will she be done?”

As a person who’s been on the other side, it’s brutal. I’m already upset, and now the person is treating me like an annoying person. And they aren’t listening to me. Could I feel any crazier?

And, just as an aside, guys who think all women are crazy? Well, take a look at yourself. I bet they didn’t start out that way. I have attracted my share of infuriating men. I didn’t start out crazy, but became that way as time went on. No other comment about that.

Except……..being with someone (my ex-husband for example) who couldn’t listen to me and just tuned me out was pretty horrible. I could never have a conversation with him about the stuff that wasn’t working. And it was really frustrating. Really frustrating……..enough about that tangent.

Here is my non-drama answer. Nothing is “Drama” until you label it as such. Some people just need to vent. If you have time, just listen. Really listen. They will be calm after. Don’t resist it.

If you can’t listen, just tell them you don’t have time right now and you are sorry. They can leave a message on your voicemail or call someone else which is way better than knowing you can’t wait for them to shut up.

Normally I don’t talk to you, I tell about myself. This one, as I said, is a pet peeve. Take it for what it’s worth.