I Know I’m Being A Victim

I know I’m being a victim.

I’m not enjoying my life and I’m not having fun.

Why?

Funny you should ask. I know I’m taking everything personally. And I really just need a good cry. But in the meantime, I’ll just VENT. No advice, please. No coaching. No comments. I already know I’m being a jerk.

Situation 1:

My daughter’s boyfriend flew in from Australia last night. My daughter, Haley, and her father (my ex) went to pick him up this morning. I was at the gym.

“We are ten minutes away from the Edge,” Haley said. I texted her where my car was. I had her clean laundry in my car.

“OK. I’ll see you soon.”

I hung up the phone excited to meet Mav and see Haley. I skipped stretching and stood by the front door after ten minutes had passed. I watched for their car.

After a few minutes I called her. “Where are you?”

“We are at Stew Leonard’s buying bagels.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I guess I won’t wait here anymore.” I grabbed my bag and stomped to my car. “What the fuck? I’ve been standing here like an ass hole waiting for you. Guess I’m an ass hole for thinking you were coming. I thought you got off the highway to see me. Fuck me………”

I haven’t stopped ranting since. And that was 5 hours ago.

Unlike my ex-husband, son and daughter, I work. I don’t have time to hang out and lollygag around wondering how the wind is going to blow. Maybe I’m a little self-righteous about it and victimized by my work schedule, but I also like to be able to pay my bills. I don’t live for free at my mother’s house like my ex-husband does. I feel better about myself when I am paying my own way. (Just an aside since I’m on a roll).

Apparently my ex told Haley that I’d be available at 7:30 instead of the time we picked which was 7:15. That was not the case. I had to run to weight watchers, get weighed, take a shower back at the gym, go to the meeting, and then get to Waterbury for a client meeting. That was my only free window of time since I cut short my stretching.

How the fuck would Mark know when I was available when I didn’t even speak to him? Why would she say ten minutes and then just blow me off?

Why is this even a big deal? Why am I still so mad hours later? It was just a miscommunication.

True.

But for me, it’s my life. It’s my two year old incident.

Being lied to.

Being left in the driveway.

Not mattering.

Being blown off.

And then, when I’m upset, being told it was JUST A MISCOMMUNICATION!!!

And to make it worse, my mother tells me “you really need to meet Mav.”

I REALLY lost any remaining sanity and started screaming at her.

So let’s add it all up:

I’m a screaming lunatic victim who is not accepting apologies. Who’s making a big deal out of a mere miscommunication. And I know I’m being a jerk and I’m wrong for being one.

I could be gracious and admit it was just a mistake. But I am not.

I WANT THEM TO SUFFER!!

I WANT TO BE RIGHT ABOUT HOW I DON’T MATTER!! I’M IRRELEVANT!! IT’S ALWAYS LIKE THIS WITH MARK!!! I’M THE LAST ONE TO KNOW THAT HE HAS CHANGED THE PLANS!! I’M STANDING THERE WAITING LIKE A FUCKING ASS HOLE ONCE AGAIN!!! And then he acts all innocent so I look like the FUCKING BITCH!!!!!

Situation 2:

One of my weight watcher friends asked me why I was surprised that they were treating me this way. “This is not a new thing,” she said.

Made me feel worse.

Situation 3:

One client told me she’d call me right back. She hasn’t and never does. Two other potential clients told me they are not interested and to delete them. One said he only told me to follow up to get rid of me. What a DICK!!!!!! I wrote his restaurant a really bad review. And I stared at it.

But I didn’t press post. Because I knew it would look bad on me.

I know intellectually that he’s not responding to me.

Instead of wanting to punish people for an incident that happened when I was two, I could be a little more mature. I could forgive instead of suffer.

And I will. Just give me a few more minutes to feel stupid and angry. To be a victim.

And then I will apologize for my childish behavior……..

OK, not right now, but real soon……..

The miraculous thing is that just being able to vent this has released it’s grip on me. A little bit. I might be able to let it go………………soon.

I’ll let you know when.