Silent or Free

I just had a Wisdom Weekend in NYC.

We looked at resignation and the different phases of it.

We looked at where in our life resignation occurs as normal.

How we can just kill off possibility – our own and others.

And where we wait for someday, one day, and don’t take action on our dreams.

I shared about how I am resigned about relationships.  I thought I was doing well going from victim to complacent.

Normal is “I’m alone and I’m ok with that.”

Really?

My dream has always been to be in a wonderful, romantic loving relationship with a passionate, empowered, loyal man.

Well, that dream was buried under high levels of guck:

  • Don’t want to get hurt again
  • I pick the wrong guys
  • Look what happened in my marriage
  • The last guy (and several before) lied about being married/available
  • It starts off great and then something happens and it’s different
  • I get pathetic and needy and I hate that
  • It’s just easier to be alone.

One of the women shared about her childhood.  Her mom was busy and she didn’t want to “bother her.” 

She learned to be independent and self-sufficient.  Didn’t need anyone else.  “I got this.”  Kind of life. Worked hard.

My eyes leaked for the next hour.

That was me.  I don’t want to bother anyone.  I was very busy doing a lot of stuff. No time for people.

“What you can’t be with, you avoid………”

And there was more.  I hated that I was upset as a child.  “Don’t be upset” I was told.

I avoid upsetting other people. 

Instead of speaking up, I leave.  I just get rid of people.  I don’t tell them why.  I just go away.

We were having lunch yesterday and a guy at our table made an obnoxious comment. 

I didn’t like it.  I decided I didn’t like this table or him.  After a couple of minutes of misery, I got up and left. I sat with some different people on the other side of the restaurant.

I liked it better over there.

I saw him later that day. “Why did you leave? Dona said you were mad at me about something.”

Hmmm, I thought. I guess Dona told him. What to do? Guess I can go for it……..

“Well…………..I didn’t like when you said X…….  But I didn’t say anything.  I just decided I didn’t like you or that group.  No one was talking to me. So I left.”

“OK, anything else?”  I looked at him.  He really got it.  He wasn’t upset.  He was smiling at me.

I thought about it. “No…….Thanks. I feel much better now. ”  I gave him a big hug. 

Wow. I felt free.  He wasn’t upset.  I was no longer upset.  I felt love for myself and others return.  It wasn’t a big deal anymore. It was quite simple. I felt connected to other humans.

When I’m upset, I think I shouldn’t be.  I try to talk myself out of it which makes it worse.  I tell myself there’s something wrong with me. I’m better off being alone so no one can see how miserable I am. I leave.

I jam myself into being silent. And it sucks.

I have a choice now.  I can “say what can’t be said.”  I can communicate.  I can feel alive and connected.

I can keep practicing this.  Even if I do it poorly, it’s better than being silent, disconnected and resigned that this is as good as it gets. I knew this before and I just forgot.

All I have to do is open my mouth and share what’s really there.  No one has gotten upset and left me for doing it. 

YET my brain is screaming.  They haven’t left you YET!!!!!

Thank you for sharing, brain.

I’d much rather be free than listen to your resigned advice.

I choose FREEDOM.

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